dating – Page 47

Online Dating: How To Avoid Being Perceived As An Email Pest!

If you’ve been dating online for any length of time, you will have come across a few people that are too eager, or too persistent, or even over familiar. It’s not about restraining your eagerness, or not pursuing someone, or avoiding building a rapport.

It is about striving for a balance because the reality is that, if you don’t keep certain things in check, somebody, somewhere, may be describing you as a pest, desperado, or even stalker. Here are three actions that are likely to rub someone up the wrong way or have you marked in the pest category.

1. Sending a flurry of winks and emails based on seeing a profile (no response yet)

I’m delighted for you – you’ve found a profile that excites you and you want to stake your claim before someone else does, so you send a flurry of emails and winks to bring yourself to their attention.

The trouble is that regardless of whatever wonderful qualities you claim to have and the wondrous message that may be contained within those emails, they may never get opened because you seem a little desperate, over eager, and are actually behaving a little disproportionately to what has actually happened.

You have seen a profile! Send an email with a great catchy title or something and do the job of fifteen emails with one!

2. Sending terse emails after not getting a response to an initial email

I know it’s annoying not to get a response but I want to bring you back to reality with a bump. You saw a profile, you liked it, you got in touch. Don’t assume that by sending an email that you are entitled to a response. If you’ve been building sandcastles in the sky and fantasizing about a fairy tale ending with the recipient, you’ve set yourself up for a fall because so far, this whole thing is in your head!

Sometimes people are busy but intend to respond. Sometimes people are so overwhelmed with responses that they don’t even get a chance to reply. In an ideal world, people would respond to every message but it’s a bit like sending rejection emails for job applications, and to be honest, isn’t a rejection email a bit unnecessary?

Slow your roll. If you get a response, great. If you don’t, move on! Unless you’re on a teeny tiny dating site, there are other people! Don’t bank on one horse until you know there is a horse!

3. Making a flurry of communication after exchanging emails

Great, you’ve actually made contact with someone, exchanged email addresses and mobile numbers. The worst thing you could do right now is to send text after text, or emails trying to downplay your eagerness and desperation but actually seeming even MORE desperate! You know the emails I’m talking about:

“I know I’ve sent you several emails already but I’m not being a pest and I don’t want you thinking I’m desperate. It’s just that I sent you a couple of emails but I haven’t heard from you. There’s no pressure for you to respond….”

For a start, just because YOU decide you’re not a pest doesn’t mean you aren’t. Just because YOU decide your actions aren’t desperate does not mean that they aren’t!

Sending several emails and texts, or even leaving voice mail messages when you’ve had no response yet from someone you hardly know is borderline, if not full on pest behavior. What if they are out? What if they are nursing their sick grandmother on their death bed? What if, they see all of these emails, texts, and voice mails and feel a bit scared that they have unleashed a bit of a psycho?

Always remember the 3 P’s of avoiding being an online dating pest:

Patience, Proportion, and Persistence Control.

It doesn’t kill you to wait for a response to your initial contact – whatever you do, don’t send more than one email until you have a had a response.

Don’t get this online dating lark twisted. There are potentially thousands, if not millions of people on these websites and whilst I appreciate that you want to get a date, you need to keep things in perspective and proportion.

Don’t inflate the fact that you got in touch with someone into more than what it is because nobody ‘owes’ you a reply and if you get carried away every time you make contact with someone, you won’t get very far!

And whilst I admire some people’s very thick skin that’s comparable to hide of a rhino, there is persistence in terms of staying the course with online dating even with some negative experiences, and then there is persistence in the form of not knowing when to back off, or refusing to take silence for answer.

Can You Win the Approval of the ‘Dating Board’?

By jason

Dating, divorced or not, can be as nerve wracking as a tough job interview. You never know the questions but at least you know what you should get quizzed on. You’ve fielded all of the queries from your new interest but it’s time to move on to what I like to call “The Board Room.”

What Is The Dating Board Room?

The Board Room isn’t a physical place. It’s the culmination of several different people who are going to interview you and present their findings to your lady. This interview process can take days, weeks or even months, depending on who is part of the board room. It always occurs, even if you don’t know it. This is where you may here “You’re fired!”

Who Is On The Board?

The board can consist of several different men and women who have the interests of your lady in mind. Most women have at least two confidantes; a “best” girlfriend and a close male “GuyFriend.” Other members of the board normally will include at least one or two other friends of either gender and close family, like her mother and dad.

The Girlfriend

You have to sell yourself to this woman. Not only is she the closest person to your lady, your lady is probably her best friend. Early in the relationship The Girlfriend is probably the most important person to not insult, cajole or arouse suspicion in. Her word will be what seals the deal. If she doesn’t like you there’s not much hope for your new relationship.

The “GuyFriend”

The GuyFriend can be a tough sell. Put yourself in his shoes. Here’s a close female friend of his who is dating this new guy (you). You’re competing for part of his turf and she will listen to the GuyFriend to determine if you’re a huge creep. Guys tend to read guys rather well. If you’re obviously a fraud, the GuyFriend will spot you easily.

Mom and Dad

Depending on how close she is to her family, mom and dad’s opinion of you may be what truly closes this deal. They raised her, have her interests in mind, and know now to handle your lady when they want her to listen. Parents also have the job of ALWAYS being the parent and have met her other men. Mom and dad have the experience of dealing with the good and the bad and will understand your situation.

The Posse

The Posse is her other friends. The ones she hangs out with now and then but doesn’t share all of her secrets. One or two may have misgivings about you, it’s bound to happen. You’re in serious trouble if ALL of them do.

How To Get The Job

There’s only one safe bet to get the job. Be real. Be yourself. Unless you’re a Hollywood actor who never steps out of character and comes back to the real world, people can and will see you for who you really are. You can only keep up the act for so long. It’s only a matter of time before your truly colors show. Remember that a tiger can’t change it’s stripes. Maybe it can roll in the mud and cover them, but before long someone will see it for what it truly is.

Does Being Divorced Help?

Divorce, hard as it is, can complicate matters even further, particularly if you have children. Children change the dating landscape and your new lady knows that. Her parents will be more than willing to impart their wisdom about your situation which has the tendency to be more negative if their daughter doesn’t already have children.

As difficult as things may be, divorce can also be a strength. You’ve been through something physically and emotionally difficult and come out with a stronger emotional fortitude.. Use that strength in the board room. Be open about yourself but be true to who you are. Your lady, her friends and her family will appreciate you more for it. Before you know it, you’ve got the job.

Magical Thinking About Finances Can Put a Strain on Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

At some point or another, almost all of us have used magical thinking to give us the confidence to go on when a relationship hits a rough patch. Most people are able to move through this stage by taking risks to confront their partners.

They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive. They realize that when two people become entrenched in a behavior pat tern, one of them must change in order to break the pattern.

There are no magical solutions

There are no “magical solutions” (except for those people still in the honeymoon stage).

When it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their partners.

Are you practicing magical thinking?

To find out if you practice magical thinking to ease concerns about money, ask yourself the following questions…

Are you a gambler?
Do you expect to win if you buy a lottery ticket?
Do you believe it’s just as easy to find a rich spouse as a poor spouse?
Do you believe you can influence your financial situation, or do you think that thingswill eventually “just work out”?
Do you avoid discussions about money?
Do you feel financially secure, even if you don’t have money put away?
Do you still feel nervous about your future, even though you are financially prepared?
Do you believe that appearances let you know whether a person you are dating does or doesn’t have money?
Do you find yourself daydreaming about a sudden scenario that will change your financial picture (for better or worse)?
Do you believe that if a bank is willing to give you a loan, you are capable of repaying it?
Do you pick pennies up from the sidewalk because you believe you will be able to save for a vacation that way?
Do you believe a college degree is a guarantee of a good income?
Do you believe that as long as you are working at a responsible job you can afford a new car or other major purchase, regardless of your balance sheet?
Do you believe colleges will give you or your children significant financial aid because you have large amounts of debt?
Do you believe bankruptcy is a way to get out from under your personal debt with no real consequences?
Do you believe it’s okay to carry high personal debt because “everyone else does”?
Do you believe that if you don’t open a bill, you don’t have to pay it that month?
Are you late with bills, even though you have the money to pay them on time?
Do you believe that you should always stretch yourself to have the best house, car, or personal technology available?
Do you purchase status items because they make you feel “rich”?
Do you put high-ticket items you really can’t afford on your credit card because it’s not like spending “real” money?
Are you “keeping up with the Joneses” even if it puts you in debt?

Practicing magical thinking when it comes to finances can put a strain on your relationship. Seek counseling to help you establish more realistic financial thinking.

6 Simple Ways To Let Your Date Know You’re Interested

By david

Have you ever been out on a date with someone who you really liked, but you weren’t sure exactly how to let them know that you really like them and are interested in them?

It can be hard to know how to express yourself around someone whom you don’t know very well yet.

There are LOTS of ways to let a date know you’re interested in them. You could, for instance, immediately start kissing them and have a long session of “sucking face” . . . but you don’t want to do that. While it will certainly convey your interest, it will also give them the wrong impression of you.

Clearly, then, there are better and worse ways to convey your interest to a date (with the above example being one of the “worst” options). So let’s look at some more realistic (and better!) ways that you can let your date know that you are interested.

Here are 6 great ways you can let your date know you’re interested in them

1. Lean in directly toward your date when they are talking to you.

Body language plays a huge role in what you communicate to others. This is especially true on a date, where the person you’re with will be paying a lot of attention to your body language.

So, when you’re on a date with someone who interests you, you need to let them know it with your body language. One of the best ways is to lean in towards your date. Lean in and smile. When you are leaning in, look at them directly in their eyes, so that they know you are interested in them.

2. Smile or laugh a bit when your date says something funny.

While we all know it is important to listen to what your date is saying during a conversation, it is equally important to react to things that your date says that resonate with you. For instance, when your date is saying something funny, contribute to that part of the conversation. Keep the conversation rolling when it’s on something funny and don’t change the subject.

3. When your date says something that intrigues you, comment on it.

When your date starts talking about a topic that is in an area of interest of yours, respond with questions and get more involved in that topic. Say, for instance you feel really passionate about an upcoming election and your date says “Well, I really don’t think I’m going to bother voting.” You can respond with something like “Wait a second. Why are considering not voting?”

Then let the conversation flow from there. Asking questions when a date says something relating to an area of interest of yours is a great way both to get into deeper conversation with your date while also showing them you are interested in what they’re saying.

4. Challenge them a little bit.

Challenging your date just a little bit will lead to a stimulating conversation. It shows you’re date you’re interested and engaged in the conversation, and that you’re not just a puppet who just nods and agrees with everything they say.

5. Keep your body language open at all times.

Do not fold your arms. Do not pick at your nails when you are telling a story or talking. Look at your date directly in their eyes. Don’t look in other directions. If you don’t keep eye contact, your date will not only think you are not interested in them, but that you are looking at somebody else.

6. Bring your date “into your space.”

When you catch yourself leaning back really far, lean back in towards your date. When you tell a story, be animated. Whenever you talk to your date, use hand gestures and use your body language. Face them and bring them in, holding your hands directly out in front of you. By doing all of this, you’re bringing your date in to your sphere. They will notice this too and know you’re interested.

So many things about a date are subliminal. You can listen, be a good conversationalist, talk all day long, and get along easily with people. Doing all of these things, however, may still not mean that someone with whom you are out on a date will know that you are interested in them. It is necessary to more clearly express your interest (so that a date will know you are not just being friendly).

If you struggle with knowing how to naturally and effectively show a date that you’re interested in them, then following these tips will really help you to break through many of the challenges you’ve had in the past. You will also be pleasantly surprised at how much differently those interesting dates will act towards you!

Why Your Relationship Success Depends on Feeling Your Feelings

By wendystrgar

Regardless of what kind of relationship you are in, the foundation for its success is based on your ability to experience and articulate your feelings. The authentic self disclosure of the joy, fear, anger and pleasure that your time together brings you is the adhesive material that makes relationships real.

Most of us are handicapped by our feelings. Not only do we not often give ourselves the permission and space to feel them, but often they exist without even being able to name them. Our internal experiences that don’t get expressed with language don’t just go away. They live in us and often surprise us with their sudden re-appearance at times when we least expect them.

The truth about feelings

Thinking about our feelings like weather patterns is a helpful beginning. Like a sudden storm, they inform and distract with their intensity. They are changeable and act on the environment and relationships you are in with great power. They reflect the nature of the moment with great accuracy. Our ability to experience and share our feelings in meaningful ways is one of the profound marks of our humanity.

Yet feelings are for many people a locked box; an experience that overwhelms and is difficult to express. We are taught in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons to suppress our feelings. We learn to silence our feelings so well that the messages in our bodies are not even discernible.

Suppressed feelings are not as invisible as you might think. They take on a life in our dreams and eventually become diseases in our bodies. Our inability to express our feelings cuts us off not only from our own experience but limits the connection we feel with the people we love most.

Why we disconnect from our feelings

Part of the reason we disconnect from our emotional life is because we are afraid we will be overtaken by our feelings. Small children are frequently shaken by the enormity of their emotional experience. When was the last time you witnessed a temper tantrum in the grocery store- what better metaphor for a giant storm raging inside a little body? What happened when your feelings were too big to hold when you were a child? What happens now?

Learning to feel begins with a choice

Jim Carrey was quoted in a Playboy magazine interview last year saying that “Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you’re sitting on the couch and you get up to make a triple-decker sandwich. It’s on the other side of that, when you don’t make the sandwich….It is about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling.

I am always asking myself “What am I going to give up next? Because I want to feel.” Learning to feel begins with a choice and the realization that authentic living demands the maturity to open up to your full experience, as messy as it might be.

This is, in fact, the do or dies work of relationships; to have the courage to feel the full range of emotions that comes with intimate connections. It is literally the fuel for the fire of passion, the air that keeps relationships breathing, the stuff of transformation and growing up.

Just as our weaknesses and frailties are wedded to our virtues and strengths, the ability to express uncomfortable emotions creates the possibilities of discovering the love and passion that we want most.

So how do we choose to live a feeling life?

How then do we make this choice to live a feeling life, to physically experience the internal storms of growing up and growing old? It is a practice, no different than learning a new musical instrument. Some days you hit the right notes, other days there is no melody at all. In agreeing to the practice, something opens and each moment gives you an opportunity to try again. Slowly you become comfortable with the weather systems of your emotions. Some days it is even comforting to know they are there.