divorce – Page 11

Burned By His Ex… Will He Ever Commit to a Relationship With Me?

It’s an age old dilemma…

A woman is dating a guy who isn’t ready to commit. It can certainly be vice versa, and either way, it’s frustrating to be the one ready to commit when your partner isn’t.

Everyone stresses the importance of being on the same page relationship-wise with your partner and they’re right. What can you do though when they’re not ready to commit and you are?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met a guy through work, I’ve been out with him several times, had a good time. I like him a lot and think he likes me too. He doesn’t want a relationship and a commitment because an ex girlfriend whom he was planning to marry dumped him for another man nearly two years ago. He said he still wants to meet up now and again.

I’m wondering what’s the point in meeting anymore. But on the other hand I’m also thinking that maybe I should continue seeing him and give him some space and don’t hassle him and then see if over time something does develop. What do you think ?

-D, United Kingdom

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1XaRufyUGo[/youtube]

Your partner wants to continue casual dating

That’s great, but remember, you have to read between the lines. Do you think that your partner truly wants to continue casual dating or is just too afraid to say that they’re “not that into you?” If you suspect the latter, just confront your partner in a positive way to find out the truth. If they really are into you but just want a casual relationship, go for it!

You also need to ask yourself if you’re comfortable with casual dating. Is this something you’d like to continue doing as well? There are two sides to this coin. If you enjoy being with your partner and you have fun together, you might want to relax a little about the commitment issue. It could be that you’re with the right person but it’s not the right place or time for a commitment and that’s okay!

On the other hand, if you’re just plain not comfortable with casual dating if you can’t see it going anywhere, then you might want to consider moving on. It sounds harsh, but holding on to hope that something will change later on down the road while you’re unhappy in the present is just going to make both you and your partner miserable.

Only move forward with the relationship if you’re fine with casual dating from here on out because there is the possibility that your partner will never want a committed relationship.

Moving forward

If you decide to move forward with the relationship, it’s important that your commitment shy partner get lots of space. Giving them no room to breath or giving them ultimatums will likely result in relationship disaster.

Find things you like to do and enjoy them. Go for a walk, join a bowling league or sign up for that painting class you’ve been eyeing. Busy yourself with things that nurture your being and let your partner fall in between the cracks. Make time for them but don’t make your whole world revolve around them.

That can sometimes be the key to getting a commitment shy person to warm up to you. They don’t feel like they’re the center of your universe and ,if they make one wrong move, your universe will come crashing down. Who wants to have that much pressure put on them?

Either way, if you and your partner end up calling it quits later, you haven’t missed out on things you wanted to do. If you do work out, you’ve learned how to build a solid foundation for a relationship.

My Boyfriend is a Total Liar! Should I Dump Him Or Give Him Another Chance?

By loveandsex

What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

– Melissa, NY

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYTOEOm4fUc[/youtube]

Why is he lying?

Is he lying about money? Is he lying about work? Is he lying about extramarital affairs? While it’s important to pinpoint what your partner is lying about, it’s also important to understand why your partner is lying.

Could it be something that stems from childhood?

Many pathological liars have psychological issues that stem from childhood. Whatever issues your partner has that may be causing him to lie to you need to be worked out by him and him alone. This is something he can see a psychiatrist or a therapist for. They will help your partner work through his problems so he can learn to be honest and open with you about everything that has to do with your relationship.

Are you creating an environment that forces him to lie about things?

While partners shouldn’t lie to each other, it is not uncommon for a partner to feel forced to lie because he or she does not feel safe telling their partner the truth. What happens when your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear? Do you jump down his throat? Do you yell, start an argument or berate them?

If this is the case, you must understand that your partner most likely lies to avoid what happens when you don’t get the answer you want. He’s just telling you what you want to hear so you’ll leave him alone. It sounds harsh, but it happens. If you suspect that this might be your situation, relax a little and make your partner feel safe telling you the truth. It will take time, but you and your partner can learn to trust each other again and build the foundation for a great relationship.

Can he change?

You must ask yourself if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone that lies to you. Your partner can’t change because you force him to – he can only change if he wants to. Talk to him. Does he want to change? Can he? If he’s working with a therapist, he most likely can but it will take time.

If your partner doesn’t change, you have to be prepared to be with a liar for the rest of your life. Is this something that you can handle? Is it something you want to handle?

In most cases, the answer to those questions is “no.” So you must do what you have to do if your partner continues to lie to you and move on. Let him know that his lies are driving you apart. He needs to understand that his actions are the cause of the breakup. If your partner wants to change and you believe he can, give him a shot and see where it goes. If you truly love each other and work hard to overcome this obstacle, it can be done.

Cheating and Infidelity – 5 Tips For Healing The Hurt

By lisa

Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting.

For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable.

However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake – it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign.

Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit.

There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair

This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing

The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings

There could possibly be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions.

4) Learn how to communicate effectively

Sometimes affairs can come on the heels of build-up of resentments, unexpressed needs, feelings and so on. Be clear that I’m not excusing unfaithful behavior, only highlighting that effective communication between couples can only help build and maintain a strong relationship foundation.

5) It takes time

A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula to figure out, “how long.” It will depend on a lot of factors specific to who they are, what transpired, the length of time it occurred and so on.

After following these guidelines, nagging doubt or mistrust of the unfaithful partner might remain. The wounded partner can be vulnerable to having his/her insecurity triggered. Stay aware of maintaining behavior that is kind, loving, loyal and supportive of each other.

In other cases, there are couples that weather the storm of infidelity and come out stronger in the end. In either situation, if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for, this is the first and most important step you’ve already taken towards the healing process.

Find Out If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

By lisa

Signs of Abuse

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner? Are you afraid a lot of the time in your relationship? Is your self esteem being slowly eroded? It’s possible you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse can sometimes be a tricky thing to identify for those in the situation because often the abuser employs tactics that make the other person feel like they’re going crazy. Abusive people will dominate conversations so that the other has little time to decide if the behavior is harmful.

There’s often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they’re the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser! We call this “crazy-making” because that’s precisely the impact it has on the receiver.

In my own practice I’ve seen couples come in where it’s pretty obvious this is going on. I’ve seen men and women in emotionally abusive dynamics with their partners. I’ve witnessed people literally verbally “shut down” their partner – and the other one shrink away right before my eyes.

Part of the problem for people who are being emotionally abused is they often don’t realize it. Their self-confidence has been whittled down to a nub.

Could you be in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Ask yourself the following five questions – which are also signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

The Cycle of Abuse

Another important aspect of this dynamic is what Dr. Lenore Walker originally coined as the “cycle of abuse.” Essentially, there’s usually a kind of repetitive looping that goes on that consists of four phases:

1) Tension Building: The receiver gets the sense that the abuser is upset and takes active steps to placate him/her.

2) Incident: Verbal or emotional abuse occurs – consisting of threats, humiliation, blaming, intimidation, etc.

3) Reconciliation: Abuser apologizes, minimizes the abuse, blames the receiver, denies it occurred, etc.

4) Calm: No abuse taking place, often called the “honeymoon phase.”

This cycle has the effect of eventually breaking the person down emotionally. It can happen quickly for some – and take years for others.

Final Thoughts on Emotional Abuse

There are many reasons why abusers and their victims get caught up in this damaging dance. The issues can almost always be traced back to the family of origin for both people. Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control – and deep down they fear abandonment. Sometimes they witnessed their parents engaged in it.

The same applies to victims – part of their life story can be around “learned helplessness” for a variety of reasons. They may have a history of being in abusive relationships – or they might have witnessed their parents caught up in the same cycle.

Regardless of how people get there – they can get out – and learn how to have healthy, loving relationships.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, make sure to take steps to protect yourself if you have the intention to leave. Have a safety plan intact and increase your support network. If you suspect your partner has the capability to become physically violent and you fear for your safety call 911.

For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. Additional resource for abuse: http://www.helpguide.org

10 Tips To Infidelity-Proof Your Relationship

By stephanyalexander

Infidelity can sneak up on even the most solid partnerships.

According to an infidelity poll conducted by WomanSavers.com of 6,330 women, 92% believe that emotional affairs lead to physical affairs, whereas only a mere 7% believe they do not.

With the increase in technology, cheating has become more prevalent.

However, following the below top 10 infidelity-proof tips will increase your chances of having a long-lasting, healthy, monogamous relationship.

1. Don’t Drink or Use Drugs Around the Opposite Sex

Drinking alcohol or using drugs with the opposite sex is one of the quickest ways that lead to infidelity because it lowers your inhibitions. Even having a cocktail at a business lunch can lead to more intimate conversations and inappropriate behavior.

2. Develop common interests and hobbies.
If you and your partner are always spending time apart doing the activities you enjoy separately, there is a higher chance one of you may meet someone who enjoys doing the same activities you do. Couples that “play” together, are more likely to stay together.

3. Exercise and eat right.
Don’t let yourself go physically. Exercise and eat well not only for yourself, but for your partner. If you quit trying just because you have become comfortable, your partner will resent you for being lazy and may become attracted to someone who values their self worth more.

4. Don’t plan meetings alone with the opposite sex.
Now I know it’s not possible to always have meetings in groups. However, if you know you are attracted to an acquaintance, try to plan your meetings in groups because this helps lower the intimacy factor.

5. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If you would be uncomfortable with your partner doing something that you are doing or are considering doing, don’t do it. Respect your partner enough to always consider their feelings.

6. Travel together whenever possible.

The old saying “when the cat’s away, the mouse will play” rings very true. Don’t put yourself in situations where you are more likely to cheat such as going on solo vacations or going to a restaurant or bar alone.

If you are traveling for business and your partner is unable to join you, phone them daily to stay in touch.

7. Don’t Mix Business and Pleasure.

The office is meant for business, not gossip or intimate details. Don’t flirt, touch or wear revealing clothing to your workplace. Keep it professional.

8. Stay sexually creative.

It takes effort to keep the fire lit in the bedroom after you’ve been together for a while. Be adventurous and think outside the box. As long as you are both comfortable with it, there’s no harm done. Couples who have a happy sex life are much less likely to cheat.

9. Don’t share too many personal details with the opposite sex.

Intimate details should be for your partner. Many times emotional infidelity leads to physical infidelity. If a conversation is becoming too intimate for you, simply redirect the conversation to include your partner or politely direct the person towards professional help.

10. Put positive effort into your relationship daily.

It doesn’t matter if you give your partner an extra hug or put the dishes away, the fact that you are doing something small to show you care on a regular basis can make all the difference and may prevent your partner from seeking attention elsewhere.

If you are considering cheating, respect your partner enough to end the relationship for the sake of their emotional and sexual health. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.