divorce – Page 2

Divorce Advice: My Friend Can’t Get Over Her Ex Husband!

A friend of mine got a divorce from her husband years ago, but she still pines for him like it was yesterday. I want to be there for my friend, but my patience is wearing thin. It’s been ages – why can’t she move on?

What She Said

These things take time and there’s no accounting for someone else’s grieving period after getting a divorce. That said, some tough love might be needed soon.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

Of course, there’s a fine line between caring and codependency. It’s great to help your friend seek alternatives, but it’s not your sole responsibility. It’s important to set some boundaries. Tell your friend that you care, but venting about the ex is now limited to ½ hour of your time when you two hang out. (Or whatever limit you’re comfortable with. You get the drift). She’ll probably be bummed at first and might try to push you for more. Stand firm in your decision. When time is up, move to another topic. Allowing your friend to continue moping is clearly affecting your relationship. She might feel like you’re “not being a good friend.” Say that the cutoff is because you want to see her shine and that it’s in no way a lack of support.

The best you can do is encourage your friend to get back out there, all while recognizing that the choice to do so is hers alone. Invite your friend to the movies, the gym, parties and nights out on the town – places where she can get used to the social scene and get life going again.

You’re Not The Therapist

Remember, your role is “friend” not “professional therapist.” If she still needs to process the divorce, suggest that a counselor would be better suited for the emotional needs she has. It sounds like the subject of the former marriage has taken center stage for a long time. If she’s as good a friend to you as you are, she’ll most likely snap out of it and realize that you need a break from the baggage. Friendship is a two-way street; it’s her responsibility to meet you halfway.

What He Said

I have never been married, so obviously, I have never had a divorce. But last weekend I was in the gym, and I was trying to work out around some of the weekend warrior types (the type of guys who go to the gym and only exercise their jaw muscles and then wonder why they look like crap) and these two guys were talking about their children and their ex wives. The following conversation actually happened.

Guy #1: I don’t think I’ll ever live with another woman again. I will have my place, she will have hers. That will make it easier when we break up.

Guy #2: Yeah, I can’t do the serious intimacy any more. That’s why I just have sex with women.

Guy #1: I can’t even do that. I’m still do afraid to date.

Guy #2: Yeah, that was me for a little while after I got divorced six months ago. When did you get divorced?

Guy #1: 2005

Guy 2: (awkward silence)

I wanted to say what Guy #2 didn’t have the balls to: That’s sad. I don’t care how messy, painful or nasty the divorce was. Move the on already! Five years have passed and the guy is still damaged. I don’t know what the details of his situation are and I frankly don’t care. They don’t matter any more. His ex isn’t the problem, HE is the problem. And so is your friend.

What can you do? Probably nothing. I wouldn’t let her bring the issue up any more. If she does, tell your friend that she’s not allowed to anymore. Feel free to be a jerk about it. But only if you need to be. Try being very firm first. Say that you love her, but enough time has passed and you won’t be letting her drag you into this crap any more. If she wants talk endlessly about the problems she has, that is what Oprah is for. Not you.

When You Have to Move Out

By loveandsex

We live in an age of cohabitation. It’s fairly common for boyfriends and girlfriends to move in together prior to marriage, especially in cities where rent is expensive and living alone proves financially impractical. That’s all fine and well as long the relationship is going great, but when a break up occurs, living together can make things that much more painful. Yet it would be crazy to stay in a bad relationship just to save on rent or avoid dividing up your things. Follow the advice ahead and the process will be as pain free as reasonably possible.

Who Will Be Moving Out?

The first very important thing to decide when a break up happens is who will be moving out from the house or apartment. Will one of you be staying and the other one leaving, or are you both going to move out to other places? If you decide that only one of you is leaving, the person at fault for the breakup needs to be the one to move to a new place. That means that the dumper should go, because the dump-ee may not have seen this coming. They don’t deserve to have their entire life thrown into upheaval, unless the dump-ee is truly at fault because they cheated or did something else equally as terrible. Then they should definitely be kicked out of the apartment or home. The other exception would be if the dumper owns the house solely in their name, in which case the dump-ee should move out. In that scenario, the dumper should take action to help the dump-ee find a place before making them leave the shared living space.

Divide Shared Possessions

Once you’ve decided who is staying and who has to go, you need to divide up anything that’s shared by both parties. This can be tough and lead to lot of arguing and fighting, but it is a completely necessary step. The best thing that you can do, especially if you’re the dumper or cause of the break up, is try to be as amicable as is possible. If there are items in your home that you both use, but only one of you paid for, the buyer should get first dibs on that item. If there are shared items that you paid for together, things get significantly more complex. The best solution here is to attempt to balance out the value of what you both end up with. If you and your significant other bought both the couch and the bed together, one of you should get the couch and the other the bed. If you know your now-ex really wants the bed, be the bigger person and take the couch. Even if you’re mad at each other, you’ll feel better about it in the end (and avoiding yet another argument doesn’t hurt, either).

What About Shared Friends And Shared Pets?

What if the shared item isn’t an item so much as an entity? If you have a pet together and can remain somewhat amicable, you can try to share the pet. Perhaps you can switch off who keeps it every other week or so, not unlike a divorced couple shares custody of their children. If the break up was too sour, and you can’t stand the idea of having an on-going link to your ex, then the person who was at fault needs to let the other person keep the pet. Ditto for shared friends. If you aren’t okay with seeing each other at group events that mutual friends are involved in, you either need to rotate events for awhile, or decide who gets to see which friends. That could easily be the most difficult discussion of your entire relationship, but it can prevent a lot of future drama (and you can still see these friends one-on-one as often as you wish).

In the end, if you make every effort to be the biggest person and think somewhat rationally during an otherwise emotional experience, you will greatly reduce the amount of drama involved with moving out after a breakup.

Are You Ready To Date Again?

By melody

The truth is that most men will immediately start dating after a divorce. Ex-wives are often startled by how quickly they are “replaced”. Sometimes the ink isn’t dry yet or even, has not been laid down yet! Why is that? Surely they are not so shallow, so unaffected by the trauma of the divorce!

In fact, no, they are not shallow. Reality is, it’s the surest sign that they are miserable without you. How’s that? Well, you see, they are so hurt and lonely without you they run out to try to heal their wounds by finding someone to fill the hole in their heart since you left. Hey, they will do that before the end of the marriage if you have left energetically from the marriage. (Trust me, this is not justification, only an explanation.)

Beginning To Date Again

Those of us who cannot face jumping back in so quickly are left with the question of how in the heck do we start the process of dating again when we feel so broken and distrustful. Dating was so easy in high school. We were young and had a pool of people to choose from every day. They were all around us in our classes, and only a few already committed to someone. That’s not so true today.

From the time we are in our late 20’s to our golden years it seems the majority of the good ones are already taken. And, where the heck are the good ones that are left. It’s not like you are going to see them in study hall. Dating at work is difficult if not impossible for most of us, so where and how do we meet a potential date anyway?

And more importantly, how do you know when you are ready to dive back into the dating pool? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Can you have a conversation with someone without mentioning your ex even once?
Have you gone through a period of mourning the loss of the marriage?
Have you worked through your anger?
Can you honestly say that the dissolution of the marriage was as much your fault as theirs?
Can you picture yourself being with someone else?
Can you picture yourself touching someone else?
Can you picture yourself kissing someone else?
Do you have a good grasp on what happened between you that didn’t work?
How about what did work?
Can you view your marriage and divorce as a “course correction” and not a dismal failure?
Do you have a clear idea of how you were responsible for what occurred?
Have you grown enough since your divorce that you can be the kind of partner that you want your partner to be?
Have you faced your own intimacy fears and blocks?
When you imagine dating someone have you already planned out your entire life with them? (If so, this is not a good sign)
Have you forgiven your ex?
Have you forgiven yourself?

When we have been betrayed, let down, disappointed, abandoned or even abused in our past relationships some of those questions can be really tough. But if you fail to work them through, you are setting yourself up to fail again and, no, you are not ready to date.

The Importance Of Self Growth

Most of us need to go through some kind of counseling or self-growth before we are ready to date again. Dating before you are ready can make dating excruciating for both people (not to mention the friends listening to our saga).

The most important questions are 11, 15 and 16. if you can answer those affirmatively then you might be ready to date, but only if you have fully grieved your marriage.

Grieving is a process that takes time, and a willingness to feel the hard stuff. And of course, like all grieving, it happens in stages and is never quite over. I remember being so glad to be out of the marriage, yet feeling a wave of grief when my ex re-married within two years of our divorce. I was confused at first, because I was clear I didn’t want to be married to him. But the truth is, seeing him marry reminded me of all the hopes and dreams I had of our marriage in the beginning. I had to grieve the loss of those hopes.

Give yourself time to heal, and to face your own part in what occurred between you and you will be ready to date again. For some of us it’s a matter of months, for others it may take years. Don’t let anyone rush you into it either. Friends feeling our pain may want us to get back on the horse again. But you are the only one who knows when you are ready. That said; don’t let fear keep you from riding the horse again. If you have worked through all the questions above, you should get back in the saddle regardless of how scared you are. You deserve to have the love you are capable of giving.

Breaking Up Literally Hurts

By drbonnieeakerweil

Before you let someone diminish the pain of a break up or tell you there’s no such thing as a broken heart, consider this study from the University of New York, and Rutgers University. Scientists tracked brain activity as participants in the study – 15 students who had recently been victims of a break up – did mundane tasks like counting backwards from 8211 by sevens. That’s right – students who had recently been dumped were asked to provide a picture of their former significant other, then look at it while they counted down from upwards of 8000 – all which seems to add insult to injury!

Brain Activity After A Breakup

Aside from the potential painfulness of this exercise, the scientists discovered that “the brain areas associated with the pain of romantic rejection were the same ones involved in reward, motivation, physical pain, craving and addiction. For instance, looking at photos of exes lit up regions that are activated in cocaine addicts’ brains.”

It’s possible that anyone reading a romance novel could tell you that, but it goes deeper in explaining why the feelings of heartbreak are so hard to get over – it’s the same feeling experienced from pain, addiction and a host of other things. Lucy Brown, professor of neuroscience and neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, thinks it’s helpful for people to know that breaking up is supposed to hurt. “One guy called back the next day and said he thought the self-knowledge really helped,” she says.

Can You Avoid A Breakup?

It’s true that sometimes relationships just can’t be worked out and that dealing with the pain of a break up, struggling through the loneliness and emerging with new self-awareness is part of a growing process. Especially since the study participants were college-aged, these processes are to be expected. But so often I find that people have given up too easily on significant, meaningful relationships because of a lack of dedication to working through a problem.

There is a fine line between being a sucker for someone who hurts you repeatedly and with no indication that the behavior will change – and of course I’m not advocating staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I discuss finer details and techniques in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, but if both parties admit there are problems before the relationship gets to a dire point, and both people are willing to put effort into putting things back together I believe most relationships are salvageable.

Q&A: Help! I Keep Getting Stuck In The Friend Zone

By loveandsex

Getting stuck in the friend zone is no fun, especially if you really want more than just a friendship with someone. But are you really looking for a serious relationship, or is it a case of like attracting like? Here’s how to find out if you’re ready for a relationship or you really are getting stuck in the friend zone!

Question: This is my first question to you guys, and i just got wind saying that you guys know your stuff when it comes to relationships. I got out of a 5 year relationship with my fiance, and its been 3 months. I’m talking to women, and it seems like all women want now is casual sex, no commitment. I feel like I keep getting stuck in the “friend zone” and that’s all women look at me as. Any advice?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am9544xXUvw[/youtube]

Are You Really Ready For Committment?

It’s a common belief that “like attracts like” and those looking for serious relationships will actually be attracted to each other. If you’ve just gotten out of a long, committed relationship, you may subconciously just be looking for friendships right now and not know it. If you’re only attracting women who simply want to be friends and have casual sex with no strings attached, take a moment to think about if that’s really what you want too. It’s okay if you’re not ready for a serious relationship and having fun with friends is a great way to get yourself back in the dating game. Sit down and really consider what you want at this time. Are you really looking for another committed relationship or are you attracting the kind of people you subconciously want to date right now?

Don’t Rush It

There’s no rush when it comes to dating after ending a serious relationship with someone. Even if you were the one who ended the relationship, the body, mind and soul still needs to grieve for the loss and take time to adjust to a new lifestyle. Things are very different for you now, and it’s important to give yourself time to absorb it. That doesn’t mean isolate yourself, but you may want to be careful about jumping right into another committed relationship. Give yourself time to think about the relationship, but also allow yourself to think about what you want now before you take the next step.

Attracting The Kind Of Partner You Want

When you’re really ready for a committed relationship, trust that you’ll start attracting people who feel the same way you do and are also looking for a committed relationship. Focus more on having fun now, and let whatever happens happen. Time has a funny way of healing old wounds and paving the way for new and better things in your life if you let it. Constantly trying to attract a partner who wants a serious relationship when you don’t – even subconciously – will only put more stress on you and make you feel like you’re not “dateable” material. Don’t worry about it! Just have fun and build new friendships and nurture old ones. Take this opportunity to make your life what you want it to be right now and in time, the right person will come.