fighting – Page 12

My Girlfriend Says She Needs Space – What Does That Mean?

Who hasn’t found themselves in a relationship where one partner wanted space?

It’s a totally normal and healthy thing unless you’re not the one asking for space. Then it gets uncomfortable and sometimes even awkward when your partner wants space but you’re content with closeness.

What does it mean when your partner asks for a little breathing room? Are they trying to play the field or do they really just mean what they said?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am seeing a girl who left her marriage one year ago and had been in another one year relationship directly following the breakup of her marriage. About 2 weeks following the breakup of her relationship I started seeing her and things are actually going very well or were going well.

We had a discussion about how we are spending a lot of time together and she had made a promise to herself that she wouldn’t get into a serious relationship right away. I took this as she wants to play the field and not see me. What do you think?

– Steve, Alberta

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RS-XD0vMcs[/youtube]

There are many reasons behind asking for space.

A person might ask for space in a relationship for a variety of reasons. The key to figuring out what your partner really means when they ask for space is trying to understand what is behind the need for space.

Did your partner just get out of a string of serious relationships and would perhaps want to take the next relationship slowly? Is your partner going through a troubling emotional time right now where they would need some time by themselves to think things through? These are all good, legitimate reasons that someone would ask for space in a relationship.

If your partner is going through anything like that, chances are their request for breathing room is just that – a need for space. It probably doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be with you anymore or that they’re trying to play the field. Although this is a possibility, it’s actually very rare.

If you suspect that your partner is trying to play the field (and by suspect, we mean have real reason to believe) then you should just talk to your partner about it. Air out your feelings and let your partner have their say too. Chances are, if you talk about together in a non-judgmental way, you’ll get to the bottom of the situation in no time.

Give your partner space.

If your partner asks for space, there’s not a thing you can do about it but give them space. As frustrating as it might be, especially if you’re not on the same page as your partner, you really don’t have a choice. It’s your partner’s choice.

If they want to slow down, or take some time to be by themselves, it’s important that you let them! Chasing after your partner will only serve to push them away. Remember the saying that if you love something, let it go and if it comes back, it’s yours? Even though it’s cliché, it certainly applies to this situation. If your partner asks for it, let them have as much time and space as they need to deal with what they’re dealing with. Make it clear that you’re there for support if they need it, but otherwise, steer clear! If they truly care for you and want to have a relationship with you, they’ll find their way back to you.

If your partner really is playing the field, they’ll go down a different path and you might be all the better for it. Just remember to take everything in stride. Give your partner space if they need it and just hang out until further notice. Chances are, if what your partner says about needing space and taking it slow is to be taken at face value, you’ll end up back in a solid relationship again and your partner will have worked through some of the issues at hand, making for a better relationship in the end!

Do You Even Know What You’re Fighting About?

By melody

If you’ve ever gotten into a fight with a partner over something seemingly silly, you might have been very confused about why it was such a big deal. And yet, it may have been one of the biggest blow ups of your relationship.

The truth is that sometimes a fight is about much more than not picking up dirty laundry or taking out the garbage.

Jeanie was so upset with her husband. He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to. He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months. She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce if not an affair. Jeanie’s husband, Frank was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat an issue with Jeanie.

Why he was pulling away

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about. Frank was terrified of losing her to death. He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable. Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us. We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

Our brains can trick us into believe one thing when another is true

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away. But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have. When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four.

And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners. We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do. As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

How childhood can affect our adult relationships

Let me give you an example. Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years. They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

What happened next…

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt, Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven. She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position. Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old. Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Take time to really listen

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on. On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface.

Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary. But it’s always worth it.

Women: 5 Ways To Save Your Marriage

By loveandsex

Is your marriage in trouble? No matter how bad, there’s always hope and ways to turn your situation around.

Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could “just say no” and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said “you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow.” When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, “it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper.”

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to “get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton.”

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, “Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change.” Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a “gripe session” gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

After a few months or years, most couples get into a comfortable pattern where they always do the same things. Same dinner / movie dates, same sexual routine and same behaviors. You can rekindle some of that magic and keep your marriage magical by simply paying attention to these three important areas:

1. Go on creative dates – agree to go out and do something you’ve never done before once every week, fortnight or month. It doesn’t really matter what you do, but it’s important to commit and do this constantly. Want some ideas? Go to a winery, museum, art gallery, carnival, the beach, or have a picnic in a park.

2. Spice things up under the sheets – try a new position, technique or location. Wear some nice lingerie or introduce some new toys into the bedroom.

3. Change the norm – buy him a gift just to say “I love you,” give him a surprise quickie before work, a nice massage, set up a scavenger hunt that shows how much you care about him with a gift at the end.

5. Face your money issues and debts

One of the biggest problems facing couples today is the huge amount of debt they bring into their marriage. Not only are there more divorces, couples are calling it quits much earlier in their marriage than ever before. Here are some ideas to get your debt and money issues under control.

1. Sit down and prioritize all aspects of your family budget together. Only when you analyze your spending habits will you fully realize where you are wasting money. It’s a great opportunity to talk about your goals and dreams.

2. Realize that frivolously spending money can be a sign of disrespect for your marriage and mate.

3. If you would like a bigger diamond ring or a fancier car, ask yourself why.

4. Take a quick inventory of all the items you own but could really live without. Consider how much you paid for them. What if you didn’t buy those items and had all that money in savings instead? Would it make a difference in how you view your job, your family and your future?

Find Out If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

By lisa

Signs of Abuse

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner? Are you afraid a lot of the time in your relationship? Is your self esteem being slowly eroded? It’s possible you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse can sometimes be a tricky thing to identify for those in the situation because often the abuser employs tactics that make the other person feel like they’re going crazy. Abusive people will dominate conversations so that the other has little time to decide if the behavior is harmful.

There’s often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they’re the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser! We call this “crazy-making” because that’s precisely the impact it has on the receiver.

In my own practice I’ve seen couples come in where it’s pretty obvious this is going on. I’ve seen men and women in emotionally abusive dynamics with their partners. I’ve witnessed people literally verbally “shut down” their partner – and the other one shrink away right before my eyes.

Part of the problem for people who are being emotionally abused is they often don’t realize it. Their self-confidence has been whittled down to a nub.

Could you be in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Ask yourself the following five questions – which are also signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

The Cycle of Abuse

Another important aspect of this dynamic is what Dr. Lenore Walker originally coined as the “cycle of abuse.” Essentially, there’s usually a kind of repetitive looping that goes on that consists of four phases:

1) Tension Building: The receiver gets the sense that the abuser is upset and takes active steps to placate him/her.

2) Incident: Verbal or emotional abuse occurs – consisting of threats, humiliation, blaming, intimidation, etc.

3) Reconciliation: Abuser apologizes, minimizes the abuse, blames the receiver, denies it occurred, etc.

4) Calm: No abuse taking place, often called the “honeymoon phase.”

This cycle has the effect of eventually breaking the person down emotionally. It can happen quickly for some – and take years for others.

Final Thoughts on Emotional Abuse

There are many reasons why abusers and their victims get caught up in this damaging dance. The issues can almost always be traced back to the family of origin for both people. Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control – and deep down they fear abandonment. Sometimes they witnessed their parents engaged in it.

The same applies to victims – part of their life story can be around “learned helplessness” for a variety of reasons. They may have a history of being in abusive relationships – or they might have witnessed their parents caught up in the same cycle.

Regardless of how people get there – they can get out – and learn how to have healthy, loving relationships.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, make sure to take steps to protect yourself if you have the intention to leave. Have a safety plan intact and increase your support network. If you suspect your partner has the capability to become physically violent and you fear for your safety call 911.

For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. Additional resource for abuse: http://www.helpguide.org

Are You Playing The Blame Game? Do Any Of These Situations Sound Familiar?

By melody

Randy was reaching for a doughnut when his wife glared at him. Inside, Randy could feel a defiance surging inside. He reached for the second doughnut and felt smug and happy with himself.

Janet struggled to maintain her composure when Jerry joked about her going to spend her morning with a bunch of “old ladies”. Her anger railed in particular because just prior to his coming in to the room and making the statement she was recalling how he had hurt her by referring to someone else with his pet name for her.

Lisa was furious with Greg because he had chosen to call her while she was getting her hair done and didn’t believe it really took so long to highlight and trim her hair. He had even called his hairdresser to confirm his opinion that it should not have taken so long to accomplish.

Fighting words, all of the examples above could and did lead to long lasting, all out battles between these couples. Their ability to see themselves as the victim in the situation perpetuated the argument. Each part of the couple felt wrongly accused and unjustly treated. They were, of course, all correct.

They had been unjustly treated and had been wronged in some way. So had their partners! When we fall into the game of seeing ourselves as a victim and our partners ad the perpetrators we fail to recognize the others position.

It’s easy to do isn’t it? It’s easy for us to see ourselves as the victim of the wrong. But in reality what is really going on? Both people are feeling hurt, threatened and that they are being treated unfairly.

So what do we do? How do we address the issues when both partners are feeling wounded? It’s tough and requires a great deal of commitment that sometimes, we can’t muster.

When something goes wrong and we feel wounded our brain kicks into a survival mode that prevents us from seeing the situation at hand clearly. What we do is see things purely from our own perspective. This is not because we are terrible humans. This is because it’s what are brains are wired to do.

Survival Mode

When something happens and we feel threatened, our brains go into survival mode. What this means is that we go into hyper alert. Adrenaline pumps through our veins and we seek to regain a sense of control.

When our survival is threatened we feel out of control. There is, in fact, nothing so out of control is feeling like we are headed for disaster and death.

But then our brains look to regain control, and we do this by laying blame on someone. Once blame is in place, once we know whom to blame, then we know how to respond to the situation. Our brains can relax (to some degree) because we know what course of action to take.

Once we know who is to blame we know how to respond. If, the person to blame is ourselves, then we know we have to attack ourselves, berate ourselves and punish ourselves until we have learned the lesson to not do whatever it was again. This is the personification of the Victim role.

If the person to blame is someone else, we then get to chose between two responses. We choose to either defend ourselves against the perceived perpetrator, or rescue the victim.

Either way we get a sense of control and power back. When its our spouse we can see them as both Victim and Perpetrator. Our response then, is to rescue them and protect them from our anger at their perpetrative behavior.

An example of this is John, who knew his wife was stressed and tired, and he loved her desperately. One day he came in to find his wife spanking their daughter with a belt.

He intervened and gently told his wife, “Honey, I know work is hard right now. Why don’t you go take a hot bath? I’ll take care of Carrie.” He never held her accountable for her behavior, just tried really hard to make sure that she didn’t feel so stressed.

What’s really going on?

The thing is, John still blamed his wife for her horrid behavior, even though he rescued her from the consequences of it. His anger and resentment built over the years for all he had “protected” her from.

Eventually he left her, taking the children with him, and felt righteous about having done so. After all, she had been such an abusive person.

Now, I’m not saying she wasn’t abusive. What I am saying is that the cycle of abuse happens in an environment of blame. John perpetuated the blame and while he may have protected his children to some degree, he also left them without a mother because he failed to see her behavior as a cry for help.

As Randy reached for the third doughnut he laughed at himself. What is going on here? I’m acting like a child. Then he recognized that his mother had tried to control his eating, and what his wife did was trigger a memory of that. He laughed at himself and told his wife he was sorry for reacting like a rebellious teen.

Janet reached over and gave Jerry a hug. Her lips trembled as she told him how hurt she was feeling and how his comment had made it worse.

Jerry was defensive at first, but then looked at the pain in her eyes and told her he was sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt her. Then he talked about how jealous he was of the time she spent away from him.

Lisa eventually got it that Greg was not really upset about her getting her hair done, but that his insecurity over her having had an affair a year before had kicked in and he couldn’t stop himself.

Lisa became tearful as she apologized for scaring him that way. She recognized that his behavior was not really as irrational as it appeared.

When we step out of blame; the potential for empathy is endless.