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Relationship Advice: How To Make A Major Decision With Your Partner

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Relationship advice is something all couples need, especially when making a big decision together. Here’s how to get through it without too much fighting.

When you’re one half of a serious relationship, especially if that relationship is a marriage, you can no longer make large decisions on your own. Everything that you do affects not only you, but also your significant other. Therefore, it’s imperative that you seek out relationship advice and learn how to make major decisions as a unit.

You must become better at judging where to compromise and where to stand your ground. Furthermore, you need to be able to determine when sacrificing something you want and allowing your S.O. to get what they want will be better for your relationship as a whole. This, among other things, will require you to strengthen your communication skills together.

Take Time To Talk About It

The first step toward making a big decision together is to set aside time to discuss it. Make sure that you’re both in good moods. If you’ve just had an argument or one of you has had a particularly bad day, you’re not going to be in the proper mindset to make a large scale decision.

If you’re both feeling fairly calm and happy, ask your S.O. if you can talk about the big topic at hand. Then eliminate any possible distractions. Turn off the TV or your music, set your phones to silent and put the computer to sleep. This is a potentially life altering choice for both of you, so you want to make sure it has both you and your significant other’s fullest attention. Don’t have the talk if you’ve been drinking or while you’re drinking, either. You should both be in a very clear state of mind.

Lay Out The Facts

Once you’ve found the proper time and setting to hold your discussion, begin by establishing the facts. Let’s say that you’ve decided you’re ready to start having kids, and your S.O. isn’t quite so sure. You need to state your position and the reasons why you feel ready—you don’t want to wait until you’re too old, you feel financially settled, etc.

Then ask your S.O. to explain what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling it. Maybe he or she wants kids, but feels like they need more time to establish themselves at their job first. Without getting defensive or hostile, ask how much more time they think they need. No matter what the topic is, you should do your best to get your mate to open up fully and be honest about their feelings. It’s important that you both be completely open about what you want and your related fears.

Looking For Compromise

After you’ve each fully explained your side of the story, it’s time to look for compromise . In the case of the baby issue, you may have to agree to wait a little longer than you’d like, as long as your S.O. agrees to get started a little earlier than they’d hoped. When meeting in the middle is a possibility, go for it. Of course, sometimes it isn’t.

Perhaps your issue is that your mate wants to move to a new city to take a promotion in their job, and you don’t want to move because you’ll be giving up your current job to do so. In a case like that, there’s no way to fully compromise, so you’ll ultimately have to decide what will be best for your partnership. Step back and attempt to view things more logically. Will there be other job possibilities for you in this new city? Is your S.O. the bigger bread winner in your relationship, or are you? Do the pros for one side outweigh the cons for the other?

Staying Calm, Cool And Rational

If you and your S.O. can keep the right relationship advice in mind and both keep your cool and be as rational as possible, you’ll find you’re able to reach a consensus sooner rather than later. That doesn’t mean that either of you should be a pushover, but it does mean that you can’t let emotions alone rule your choices. Most importantly, though, you have to remember that you’re no longer in it only for your own good. The health, happiness, and success of your relationship as a couple are now your priority when it comes to making big choices.

Conflict Resolution: How To Apologize Gracefully

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No matter how fantastic your relationship is, there are going to be times when you screw up. We’re only human and we all make mistakes. Whether you say something particularly mean in the heat of an argument, or do something far more serious, you’re going to have to apologize every now and again. As such, it’s pretty important to know how to apologize the right way.

Sometimes a simple “sorry” just doesn’t cut it. In fact, if you do a poor job of apologizing, you may find yourself getting into a whole new argument with your S.O. and you’ll never reach a conflict resolution. A truly good, genuine apology, however, can be like a well-executed set of stitches. Not only does it close the wound you’ve opened up, but it can minimize the chance of future emotional scarring.

Mean What You Say

Though it may seem obvious, one of the most important ways to apologize properly is to really mean it. If your apology is cast off carelessly just to end the fight at hand, it won’t be believable. An insincere apology will only rile your mate up, not satisfy their need for appeasement. Instead of hastily saying you’re sorry, hear your partner’s argument all the way through.

Then pause to consider what you’ve done wrong, and genuinely apologize for it. It can be hard to acknowledge your own wrong-doing, but if you really love your partner, you need to admit that you did something wrong and are really sorry about it. If you’re not really sorry, then you need to call a time out on the argument so you can think more by yourself.

Choose Your Words Carefully

When you actually go about apologizing, you really need to be careful with your word choice. Saying things like “I’m sorry you’re so angry” or “I’m sorry that you don’t approve of what I did” isn’t really apologizing and won’t do anything for actual conflict resolution. That’s just turning things around on your partner under the guise that you’re sorry. You need to actually take responsibility for your actions when you apologize (i.e. “I’m sorry that I forgot to mail our rent check this month”.)

You also need to be careful with your tone. Don’t yell your apology angrily, and don’t let sarcasm creep into your voice. Take a good, deep breath to calm yourself down before you start speaking. If your S.O. starts to interrupt you as you’re talking, just let them. After they’ve said their piece, start your apology again. If you keep your cool, even if your partner can’t, your apology will feel more genuine.

See Your Partner’s Point Of View

To further improve upon your apology, make sure to acknowledge that you understand where your partner is coming from. Simply stating that you get why they’re mad shows a level of empathy and regret that they’ll appreciate. If you really want to win them over, say that you want to discuss how to prevent a situation like this from happening again.

Ask for their advice and input. Inviting them to help figure out the best conflict resolution reminds them that you really do value their opinion and their role in your life. Part of apologizing is not only showing that you are truly sorry for what you’ve done, but also showing that you want to keep from repeating your mistakes in the future. A hug and a kiss once you’ve both calmed down never hurts, either!

How To Get Your Way In A Relationship

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A relationship is a give and take – isn’t it? Not always – here are some strategies that will help you get your way in a relationship when you need to.

No matter how in love you may be, there are going to be plenty of times in your relationship where you and your significant other disagree about something. Maybe you can’t decide on where to move to, or maybe you just can’t agree on what to have for dinner. Either way, it is possible to get your way without coming off like a self-centered jerk. You just have to make a calm, reasonable argument and know how to pick your battles.

How Important Is It?

If you find that you and your partner are at an impasse, the first thing to do is to decide how truly important it is that you get your way. How upset will you really be if you have to let your S.O. win on this particular topic? If you feel that you can live with it, you should go ahead and let your partner win. In doing so, you’ll not only end the debating, but you’ll also give yourself bargaining power in future disagreements.

If you agree to move into your boyfriend or girlfriend’s apartment instead of having them move into your place, you may find that you have the upper hand when it comes to choosing your next place of residence.

On the other hand, if you decide that you really want to get your way on the matter at hand, you may have to suggest that you’ll let your significant other make the call next time. Either way, ensuring that neither of you always gets their way is a compromise that can pay off. It makes sure that you don’t look too self involved when it is your turn to get your way.

Solidify Your Argument

When you are determined to come out on top, make sure that you have a truly solid argument. A lawyer wouldn’t show up to court without having done their research, and you shouldn’t show up to a decision-making debate empty handed, either.

Let’s say you get a job offer that would require you both to move, and you know your partner likes where you currently live. You need to have a well-considered list of positives when the time comes to discuss the issue.

Moreover, your argument can’t just be about how the move would be good for you. You should be able to point out how it will benefit you, how it will benefit your mate, and how it will benefit you as a couple. Don’t gloss over things or fib about how great it will be, but do look for a way to sell your S.O. on it.

You might start by admitting that this new city will be more expensive than where you currently live, but that the raise you’ll be getting and all of the added amenities will make it worthwhile. Perhaps your partner loves hiking, and you know that this new city is near a big national park.

Not only will these positive revelations make your partner feel better about moving, but demonstrating how much research you’ve put into the decision shows them how much you care about it. If you can make them see how important it is to you, your S.O. will be more likely to let you have your way.

It’s also key that you make them feel included in the decision, even if the outcome does end up in your favor. Never make a big decision without consulting your partner, even if you suspect that it will take some effort to win them over.

Stay Calm And Don’t Be Critical

Ultimately, if you can remain calm and congenial while making a clear, solid argument, you’ll drastically increase your odds of getting your way. Promising to compromise on future issues or offering a trade off can help.

Most importantly, make sure that your significant other knows that you really do care about their opinion in the matter, and they are sure to show you the same respect.

I Am Trapped In An Abusive Relationship! Help!

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I need relationship advice. My husband treats me like crap. He’s awful. He’s verbally abusive, belittles me constantly, the list goes on. I can’t figure out what to do. I want to leave, but I feel trapped. What do I do?

What She Said

First off, I’m sorry to hear of your current situation. No one deserves to be treated like that. Secondly, why do you feel trapped? As far as we know, this is the one life we get. Do you really want to spend it with someone who’s abusing you?

I’m not trying to be flip. This is a serious situation. Admittedly, this is not my exact area of expertise. There are facilities that help women in domestic abuse situations, but I’m not sure if that extends to emotional abuse. Check resources in your community. Help might be closer than you think.

I know you say that you feel stuck. If you have children, or you’re financially dependent on your husband, it will take some planning to extricate yourself from the home. If you don’t have kids and you have some expendable income, you might want to examine what is tying you to the situation. Seeing a qualified counselor or therapist may help you gain the clarity to remove yourself from an unhappy home.

The Truth About Love And Marriage

Love and marriage are complicated. No one knows what goes into a couple’s dynamic. If you feel your connection with your husband has turned sour and no amount of help will bring the light back, consider letting go of the past. Take heart in your family and friends, or whatever support system brings you peace. Know that there is still much joy to be found. I’m not saying it won’t be scary or difficult – but no more difficult than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.

What He Said

You’re not trapped. You do not live in a house without doors, or in a prison cell. If you want to get out, get the hell out and don’t look back period. Go off the grid. Just having a penis is practically a criminal offense these days so getting a restraining order should be no problem. If there’s no kids, just file for divorce and disappear. Yeah, it might be messy, but do what needs to be done and don’t look back.

Leave If You Want To Leave

If you want to leave, and there’s a good reason and it sounds like there is, then leave. Sure, you could try counseling or fixing the relationship in some way, but it sounds like it’s messed up beyond repair. So if that’s the case, what are you waiting for? Ripping off a band aid is never pleasant. You either rip it off fast and get the pain over with or you rip it of slowly and you make it worse.

This is going to hurt. It’s a big deal. There’s really no way around that. The best relationship advice is the sooner you can come to terms with that and rip the band aid off the sooner you’ll be on your way to your new life. You’ll have an adjustment period to be sure, but that’s another issue. Just rip the band aid off and get it over with already.

How To Argue Without Things Getting Out Of Hand

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Relationship advice comes in many forms, whether it’s suggestions on how to make your partner feel special or suggestions on how to keep the fighting that comes with a relationship to a minimum. Let’s face it – arguments happen. It is inevitable that, at some point in the course of your relationship, you and your significant other will disagree on something.

We’re all human beings whose emotions get the better of us on occasion, so it can be hard not to be hurtful at times. However, there are ways to participate in a fight with your mate and not cause long term harm to your relationship.

Thinking Things Through

First and foremost, know when to take a deep breath. In the heat of the moment it can be very easy to blunder ahead, saying lots of things you will later regret. If you can learn how to pause and think before speaking, you’re already a lot closer to saving face in a sour situation. Say you and your S.O. are fighting, and you’re about to accuse him or her of some sort of long term fault. Before you speak, take a breather and think about how to word things. This is quite possibly the best relationship advice there is – waiting until you’ve thought something through before you speak up.

Instead of saying “you always forget something when you go to the store,” shift the wording so it is less accusatory. Make it about how your feelings are hurt, not how your partner is a screw up. For example, try saying “When you forget to bring something back that I’ve asked for, I feel like I’m not being listened to, and that hurts my feelings.” Allow your partner to explain themselves fully without interrupting to interject your opinions.

The Art Of Compromise

Once they’ve said their piece, tell them you understand their viewpoint and suggest a compromise. In the case of our forgetful friend, suggesting that you make a list together before he/she runs errands would be a good solution. Also, be sure to praise any good things the offender did do, i.e. “Even though I’m upset that you forgot item X, I do appreciate the fact that you went to the store for me. I know you’re trying to help.” By recognizing the positive, you not only make the other person feel better, but you also remind yourself that they have lots of traits worth loving. That can take the edge off your own anger as well as theirs.

Focus On The Issue At Hand

Another key thing to avoid when arguing is dredging up lots of other problems. If you’re having a small argument like the one referenced above, that’s not the appropriate time to bring up larger issues. Saying “You always forget something when you go to the store, not unlike how you forgot my birthday two years in a row,” will only escalate your fight. Stick to the topic at hand, then address related problems at a later time when you’ve both calmed down.

Don’t Be Afraid To Take Time To Cool Off

Speaking of having time to cool off, never underestimate the power of calling a time out on your argument. Sometimes the only way to keep from having a total melt down is to honestly admit that you need some time to be by yourself and think before you keep talking. There’s no shame in telling your significant other that you need to take a break so you don’t say something you’ll both regret later.

If you follow this relationship advice the next time you and your boyfriend or girlfriend get into an argument, there could be a lot less drama as a result. It’s important that you always remember that arguments are bound to happen every once and awhile, but they’re not the end of the world and they most certainly don’t mean an inevitable break-up. If you and your significant other take a little effort to fight right, everything will work out in the long run.