fighting – Page 9

How to Keep a “Financial 9/11” From Interfering In Your Relationships

I’m calling the meltdown on Wall Street “financial 9/11.” With the stock markets plummeting more than they have in roughly two decades, with the bailout being denied, with banks being bought, people foreclosing, it’s easy to see how difficult times have become.

And this difficulty is spreading from out from Wall Street and Washington and trickling right down to the homes of many middle class Americans.

The One Thing People Fight Most About

Money is one of the things people fight about the most, and with families throughout the nation feeling the pinch of high gas prices, rising food costs, possible job loss, less discretionary income and much more, fights about finances are likely to increase. And, while it’s naive to think that a financial crisis won’t take a toll on a a relationship, you don’t have to let it control your life.

It’s always a good time to talk about family finances but with things fluctuating the way they are right now, it’s IMPERATIVE to talk about money with your significant other. This is specially if the responsibility for budgeting, investing and financial decisions typically fall on one person.

Both people need to know what’s going on, need to be able to give input and need to feel like can voice their concerns. If the burden is falling on one person, the added stress of an unstable market can lead to poor decision making, including financial infidelity, where one person is making decisions, purchases or withdrawals behind the other’s back as a way of mitigating the added stress they’re feeling.

They can also turn to other addictive behaviors including overeating, resort to taking sleeping pills to help them fall asleep when their mind is racing, or even turn to a sexual affair. Couples need to remind themselves that they’re in it together, and they need to focus on the importance of being honest and working as a team.

Don’t Panic!

The important thing is not to panic. Aside from working through finances as a couple, you should also take times to do other things with each other. Watch your favorite TV show (which is free entertainment!), cook dinner together, exercise together. You want to keep your relationship and your passion for each other strong through this period as there will be lots of other distractions that will be needing your attention.

Talk About Money

Now is a good time to use “Smart Heart Dialogue,” which I’ve mentioned in my book, Financial Infidelity. Smart Heart Dialogue helps you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with.

Many of these conversations can be triggered by a transition in a relationship like the financial transitions many couples find themselves in right now! Use that transition to be open and honest in finding out what you can about the other person’s view of money.

This type of dialogue would likely work well in Washington to a). have mitigated this crisis in the first place and b). help politicians come to an agreement in terms of what’s to be done next. When talking in terms of Smart Heart Dialogue, I have some sample questions, one of them being:

“I overspent while we were on vacation, can you lend me some money?”

The explanation I give seems especially fitting for the government’s current situation:

*The person asking for a loan may not take money and budgeting as seriously as you do. Or maybe you overspent too. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases.

Five Little Words That Strike Fear Into The Hearts Of Men

By melody

Everyone knows that guys get freaked out at the age old question, “How do you feel about our relationship?” Even statements along the lines of “We need to talk” usually send guys running for the hills.

Why is this? How can you talk to your man about your relationship without scaring him off? What is the right way to go about it so your relationship can stay positive?

“Honey, we need to talk [about our relationship]”…

Why Do Men Always Get Defensive When You Want To Talk?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpF8-TRYLuQ[/youtube]

They’re scared they’ll get it wrong.

When women ask men questions, they’re always afraid of giving the wrong answer. It doesn’t even matter what the question is most of the time.

If the “right answer” isn’t clear from the get go, men tend to shy away from talking about the subject with you at all. Many times, this stems from women getting angry and frustrated when a man does happen to answer a question. If he happens to answer with the “wrong” answer, the woman will get angry and the entire situation will get blown out of proportion.

If this happens,especially if it happens numerous times, men only learn that when they answer questions, bad things happen!

More often than not, men would rather not give an answer at all and shy away from the discussion than risk giving the “wrong” answer and getting a lot of flack for it.

Creating A Positive Atmosphere

You can avoid this by simply staying calm if your man gets an answer “wrong.” In essence, there really are no wrong answers. Discussing a relationship or other issues are actually just talking about how each person feels.

This isn’t wrong or right ,but what is said can upset the other person. By staying calm and collected even if your partner does something to upset you, you’ll keep your partner open to opening up.

Get angry and take it out on him, and he’ll close like a clam. Encourage him to open up by simply having a positive attitude about what he says. If something upsets you, tell him – in a nice way.

Asking the Dreaded Question.

Don’t approach a situation with the words, “We need to talk.” This only scares guys away. Women might not think it’s a big deal, but to men the mere suggestion of that type of discussion evokes a strong evacuation instinct. They can’t help it.

You can, however, help how you approach the situation. Say something positive about the relationship, for example, how much you enjoy a certain aspect of it. Then let him respond to that. Chances are, when approached like that, your partner will likely open up with what he enjoys about the relationship as well.

When the conversation starts rolling along in that manner, you can bring up issues that you have, of course, in a positive way. Avoid negative language like “you never” or “you always.”

It’s hard to do, but avoid placing blame. Just talk about the situation calmly with your partner and let them know how you feel. Avoid ranting and above all, give you partner room to talk to. No man enjoys being a listening post for a woman on a frustrated rampage.

Talk about any issues you have with your partner right away so you can avoid penting up your frustration and taking it all out on your partner at once.

Is There Really an Infidelity Gene and What Does it Mean For Your Relationship?

By drbonnieeakerweil

A new gene discovered by scientists is being called the “infidelity gene,” but what does that actually mean, and is the name truly rooted in the scientific discovery?

Scientists at Karolinska Institutet have found a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners. The same gene has been previously studied in voles, where it has been linked to monogamous behavior in males, but this is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with male bonding.

The Genetic Link and How it Affects Relationships

The effect of this variation is relatively small, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.

Hasse Walum, postgraduate student at the Department of Medical Epidemiology and Biostatistics, and his team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of a particular gene linked to hormone receptors, allele 334, often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.

According to the study, the incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant.

There was also a connection between the men’s gene variant and how happy their partners were with their relationship.

“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele”, says Hasse Walum.

It’s Not All About Genetics

A related study was carried out several years ago, in which researchers focused on women who were twins and found that if one of a pair of twins had a history of infidelity, the chances her sister would also stray were about 55%. It found the tendency for both twins to be either faithful or unfaithful was strongest in identical pairs who have identical genes.

The executors of the study stressed that genes alone did not determine whether somebody was likely to be unfaithful. Much could be boiled down to social factors as well.

I’ve found similar things throughout my years as a therapist and believe that certain people ARE genetically predisposed to have a more difficult time being faithful. I call it the bio-chemical craving for connection.

Where Infidelity Comes From

It usually stems from three things: stress, loss or separation and leads to thrill-seeking behavior to avoid an emptiness I believe is passed down from generation to generation.

I do work with a doctor who can balance brain chemicals to allow the adulterer to bond with their partner, and not need to seek out those thrill-seeking behaviors,which I talk about in my book, Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.

Of course there are other factors at work here. For example, if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.

This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting AGAINST however you have to whether it’s through therapy, support groups or counseling.

To learn more about Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, check out her latest book Financial Infidelity.

Should I Give My Cheating Man Another Chance?

By loveandsex

Whether you’re in a brand new relationship or a years old marriage, being cheated on is devastating. The idea of losing a relationship and the person you love can be even more devastating.

Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGVvt4xcseE[/youtube]

Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

For a relationship to be successful, you need to have a level of trust, understanding and confidence in each other. You need to be able to trust your partner and have confidence that they love you and won’t cheat on you. Regardless of how they cheated or with whom they cheated, if you can once again build your relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty, your relationship may stand a chance.

This is essential though. If you try to rebuild your relationship on mistrust, lies and dishonesty, the only way your relationship will be headed is in the dumps. You can try to prolong the inevitable, but if your partner continues to lie to you, continues to cheat or in any way isn’t open and honest with you, your relationship isn’t going to be worthwhile.

You will eventually get tired of lies and mistrust and move on, but knowing ahead of time whether you can really save your relationship can save you a great deal of time and heartache in the long run.

Whether or not to give your cheating partner another chance is not a decision to make lightly. It’s something you really need to sit down and think about before making your choice. Try to talk to your partner and find out what their feelings are towards the situation as well.

Does your partner want forgiveness or do they seem to not care? A lot of your decisions will come from how your partner reacts when you approach them about the cheating.

How Do I Know if My Partner Has an Alcohol Problem?

By johnloumcmahon

One of the most common questions I am asked is “Does my partner have an alcohol problem?”. This is not only a very common question it is also a very common problem. It is estimated that, in the Western world, at least 1 in 10 drink in a way that could be harmful.

Furthermore between 3 and 5% drink in a way that could be extremely harmful and about 1% would be classified as alcoholic. So do these statistics help, probably not. We will return to the question, and more importantly why people ask it, shortly but first of all let’s look at this question in a slightly different way.

Yes, Houston, There Is A Problem!

About two weeks ago I was fortunate enough to take possession of a brand-new holiday lodge in the beautiful Devon countryside. This was a lifestyle choice to get out of the city more often, spend quality time as a family, to walk and get fit and to provide a wonderful environment to work and write. The lodge is great. It has everything you would ever need, washing machine, dishwasher and even wireless broadband.

So as you see it is not exactly back to nature or at least not in a primitive way anyway. However last week we were the victims of the UK summer, which seems to be getting progressively wetter. It has been raining a lot recently but one day last week we had rain that was absolutely torrential, it just poured down.

I love storms especially when I am cozy and dry and looking out at them, makes me feel as if I’m in a little cocoon. An hour or so into this storm we became aware of a pool of water under the central heating boiler, so was the boiler leaking? Further investigation showed us that the rain was coming in the flue in the roof, landing on the boiler and running off it onto the floor.

Next-day the repair man arrived. After an inspection he told us that that the leak was caused by the wrong type of rain (not sure what the right type is). When we looked at him completely incredulous he started into a technical explanation about the angle of the tiles and wind direction, almost certainly designed to baffle and make sure ignorant laypeople like us to stop us from asking any more awkward questions.

Finally I said to him I’m not really that interested in long explanations about what is wrong, I already know what is wrong, there’s a leak, what I need to know is can you fix it? All I want is that we do not have any more water coming through the roof.

And The Point Is?

All very nice I hear you say, but what has that got to do with whether or not my partner has an alcohol problem. Well the same principles apply. If you are asking whether your partner has an alcohol problem, then there is probably a problem and it probably concerns alcohol. Your partner’s drinking is causing a problem between you, or at least there is a problem for you. We did not need anyone to tell us that a pool of water on the floor was a problem.

Do you really need someone to tell you that your relationship is suffering because of your partner’s drinking, that you are anxious any time your partner is late home, or when you go to a party. If these types of things are happening then YOU have a problem, that is, your partner’s drinking is causing you difficulty and that is a problem for your relationship.

Would knowing your partner had a the medical diagnosis, alcoholic, dependent, binge drinker, alcohol abuser, make you feel better or help solve your problem? Just like the statistics quoted at the beginning of this article, this is information that is probably not very helpful, so why would you want it? Why do so many people ask this question?

But He Doesn’t Drink Every Day!

The main reason is almost certainly because your partner and you disagree about whether they have a drinking problem. They probably point to the fact that, they don’t drink every day, they don’t get drunk every time they drink and therefore they are not an alcoholic. This may or may not be true but it is a different question altogether.

Even in England it does not rain every day, but when it did the rain came through my roof; problem! If he or she is not drinking or getting drunk every day that is great, but when they do, problem! That is the main criteria – is the drinking causing a problem in your marriage?

Most people with an alcohol problem do not face up to it immediately, but then neither do most people with a weight problem, exercise problem or any other kind of problem. You have probably discussed the issue, maybe angrily, maybe tearfully, in the past.

You are probably feeling fearful, angry, frustrated and insecure. You probably feel that if you just had that little piece of information that would prove s/he has a problem. You want a lever (diagnosis) to make you feel supported and to convince your partner that you are right and that change is required. Well you have the information. You don’t need a doctor to tell you that there is a problem. However what you do about it we will address in another article.