intimacy – Page 5

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

True forgiveness is when you have no memory of how it was before. The past loses its grip on your memory and suddenly there is room for a new way of relating. It’s an odd phenomenon because it isn’t an experience that you can will to happen, it is something that happens to you, seemingly without you- when you have an open heart and a true intent to find what there is to stay for.

Choosing to stay in a relationship is tied to the belief in the power of forgiveness to change life completely. It is the singular pathway we have at our disposal to make things new between people. Having an excellent memory and needing to be right are not helpful in developing this quality in your life.

Be Respectful To One Another

The other important agreement we made was to stop saying anything mean or disrespectful to each other. Couples often have subtle sarcasm, jokes that aren’t really jokes that pepper a conversation and slowly but surely eat away at the positive feelings between them.

Taking note of how often we might say things to our partner that we would never utter to a friend or even a stranger might surprise you. Becoming conscious of the words we use in our daily relating is the door to making a partnership safe.

With practice, the hurtful ways we communicated were planted over by the two of us actively trying to stay. Over time, even the negative unspoken thoughts we were trying not to say were replaced with small kindnesses. Connection happens by itself when we feel safe.

A Whole New Life

Then seemingly suddenly, we began exploring our intimate life with a whole new curiosity and openness. Our sex life became the glue to hold the rest of the more challenging places together. The safer I felt in the relationship, the more risks I could take in the bedroom.

The more our physical love flourished, the more that our relationship thrived. There are still times when one of us, might not feel in the mood when the other does, but now it doesn’t mean anything more than what it is, bad timing.

Although it took us years to get here, sharing the kind of deep intimacy which is the reward for all the communication work that you put into years together is an extraordinary blessing. There is nothing like the “take your breath away” power of loving someone who loves you back, with their eyes wide open. There is no place in life that is more satisfying, healing and transforming.

How To Give A Terrific Breast Massage

By mayasilverman

The eternal fascination for most men, and indeed many women, the breasts, can be an incredibly neglected and forgotten area in the realm of Tantric pleasure and touch.

Think about it. If you’re a man reading this, how much time do you lavish on her breasts?

Do You Have Tunnel Vision With Women’s Breasts?

The ‘Tunnel Vision’ approach assumes that a woman’s breasts are always ripe and ready for a bit of manual molding. Nothing could be further from the truth. The breasts and its many parts are very sensitive, and only a lover with a slow hand can truly appreciate them in full majestic glory.

Structurally they are made up of fibrous connective tissue and a layer of fat tissue. They are rich in blood and lymph vessels, hence the importance of massage in maintaining good circulatory flow of blood, lymph (tissue fluid) and sexual energy.

Perhaps more importantly the breasts are symbolic of a woman’s emotional center, healing and nurturing. By neglecting these lovelies, you fail to acknowledge an incredibly important part of the feminine mystique.

The Kama Sutra On Foreplay And Breast Plat

The Kama Sutra refers to the importance of foreplay and breast play:

“Ardent young men, do not neglect the preliminaries! Endeavor to satisfy your mistress. Listen to her desires. Some men, carried away by the power of their desire, forget the prelude, only to be surprised when they are pushed away later! Yet it is such a delight to kiss, to caress, to nibble one another…

To explore with your hand or your mouth her body, her breasts, her neck, her belly, down to her innermost curves. Fulfilled, the beloved shall return these kisses and caresses wholeheartedly. No part of the beloved’s body should be neglected. Her lover shall make it his duty to discover them, to reveal to his mistress all the pleasure she can receive from them.”

Tantric breast massage is an incredible gift with which to lavish unbridled attention on your lover. Pleasure, better circulation, toning, and nurturing are all aspects of the massage.

The Kama Sutra mentions key areas on the female body sensitive to kissing:

neck
forehead
cheeks
eyes
breasts
lips
palate inside the mouth (not sure how this works!)

Prepare Your Sensual Environment

Prepare your sensual environment with soothing music, dimmed lighting, perfumed candles and make sure the room is warm and visually inviting. Introduce items of spiritual or personal significance such as flowers, favorite nibbles, a photo – whatever works for you and your lover.

Begin by covering your lover with a sheet or towel so that she does not get cold. Rest one hand on her heart and the other on her yoni and visualize warm heart energy moving from your heart into your hands and down towards your lover’s heart and yoni. This is a very relaxing, healing, connecting and balancing visualization to use before launching into the breast massage.

Beginning the Breast Massage

Pour the warmed oils into your hands. Rub your hands together so as to spread the oil, and now place your hands on each of the breasts. Always massage slowly and gently up towards the heart, your right hand moving in a clockwise direction, and your left hand moving in a counter clockwise direction.

Massage from the outer edge of the breast inwards, but avoid the nipples until after at least 15 – 20minutes of breast stimulation. Don’t forget the skin above the breast (check area under the collar bone, as well as the skin under the breasts – two very sensitive areas).

Focus Your Attention One Breast At A Time

Now focus your attention on one breast at a time.

Place on hand lightly on the upper half of the breast, applying gentle pressure with the other hand again moving the hand in circular sweeps from the outer breasts in toward the nipples. Continue for a further 20minutes or more.

End the breast massage as you began, placing one hand on her heart and the other on her yoni. Visualize healing heart energy entering your lover and breathe slowly and deeply together for a few minutes. Allow her to rest.

If you’re not in a relationship, or just welcome the opportunity to nurture yourself and body, why not take the time to give yourself a great tantric and sensual breast massage. Once again, don’t be tempted to cut corners, take the time to create a sensual and erotic environment, dress to kill, get out your favorite relaxing music, perfumed candles, lie back and enjoy!

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

By loveandsex

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

By maiaberens

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with “wonder, delight and pleased approval”. Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

My love in the form of appreciation and admiration has helped my partner grow from a shy, somewhat timid man, to an outward-going yet quiet type with lots of inner confidence.

I know because he’s told me. I don’t think it would have worked this way if it weren’t truly authentic on my part. I do admire and appreciate a zillion things about him. It’s funny. Admiration alone leaves me feeling a little empty or needing something else. I seem to need his commitment and respect. Those are totally satisfying to my inner self.

Men Need Encouragement

When my ex- used to come to me for encouragement, I basically wanted to kill him. He was mean and ugly a good deal of the time and then it seemed he wanted me to be a good and kind mother. I wasn’t happy about that at all. Whereas when my current husband is low, I find it easy, most of the time, to offer encouragement and, amazingly, it usually works for him.

Men and Their Caves

John Gray also says men like to go to their caves. This was truer in the beginning of our relationship and I’m grateful I knew “men go to their caves”. Maybe the cave has changed but it doesn’t look like it used to. It used to look like hours alone or away.

Now reading without interruption seems to do it for my husband. I’m not sure why it’s become different. I have a suspicion that it’s because he now knows I trust him to leave the cave and I don’t have to try to break my way in to get him to come out.

Why Men Are Further Away Than Mars

If I agree with all this Mars Venus philosophy, why do I say, “Men are from way farther away than Mars”? Because sometimes I cannot understand his thinking, his worldview and the way it must be inside the being of a man.

For example, I knew my husband for probably 20 years, our relationship has a very high level and amount of communication and he, shockingly, one day revealed that he believed in capital punishment!

How can a man who is, like me, peaceful to the point of believing in the possibility of world peace and who is nice and friendly to my ex-, who has liberal views on most anything else still believe in capital punishment?

Another example: say he thinks he’s coming down with a cold. He has lots of sick days. Why does he persist in going to work anyway? It isn’t because he doesn’t take good care of himself. He exercises.

He eats healthy. But he will just muscle through until he can’t stand up any more. And I don’t get martyr vibes from him either. I just don’t’ get that. If I feel sick, which isn’t often nor am I wimpy about it, I lie down. If I muscled through, I would definitely feel like a sacrificial victim. Under those circumstances, I do what I have to but not a drop more.

Since women can’t see the world through the eyes of a man and men can’t view the world through the eyes of woman, my husband and I have both been known to marvel that any relationship ever works, anywhere, any time!

I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime?

By loveandsex

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tisCh2DYOi8[/youtube]

Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, “Fine, leave,” however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From?

Acting out in this way when you’re having an argument with your significant other really is a primal instinct. It comes out of fear, desperation and frustration. You’re desperate to gain control over the situation and you’re upset and frustrated that you’re even getting to this point in the first place.

You want something you say to make an impact, and in the heat of the moment, the phrase, “I’m leaving” may be the only one that seems it will make a difference. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re definitely not alone.

If You’re The Partner

If you’re the partner of someone who is threatening to leave, realize where this is coming from. Your partner is just hurt, frustrated and desperate. They’re probably not planning to leave nor did they even think about doing so before the argument happened.

It’s difficult not to react strongly to something like this, but if you stop for a moment and realize why your partner is actually acting this way, it might make it easier for you to understand that your partner probably doesn’t really mean anything by it.

Even though you might be angry at this point, it’s important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship because you want to be, and you don’t want to see it end anytime soon. It’s important at this point that your partner knows you would care should the relationship end!

Expressing this to your partner can bring them down a notch from where they are in their frustration and probably help the argument to stop escalating. Then you can really sit down and discuss what is upsetting you and what the problem is, and begin working towards a solid solution.