Here’s a new years resolution that anyone can keep.  Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt. 

Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment.  We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes. 

The People We Love Sometimes Bring Out the Worst in Us

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family.  Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear. 

It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.  

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me.  He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point. 

Sometimes the love we can express doesn’t bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us. 

Seeing the Limits of Our Capacity to Love

It is a humbling realization.  To see the limits of one’s own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself.  This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech “Where do we go from here?” 

He calls this creative redemptive love “ultimately the only answer we have as a human family.”  This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with.  It has to be enough. 

When Love Brings Out the Best in Us

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me.  I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources.  It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections. 

Needing to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident. 

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe,  I can’t fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can’t be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship. 

In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space. 

When a woman falls in love with a man, he makes her feel safe, protected, and cherished.  She makes him feel seen and respected.  These gifts we give each other satisfy ancient longings housed in our biology.  They are why we trust each other so quickly, connect so deeply, and start planning for the future!

Moving From Trust & Fulfillment to Irritation & Frustration

At some point, couples move from this position of trust and fulfillment to irritation and frustration.  It is as if a pendulum swings them back and forth, sometimes against their will.  Maybe it begins with simple things.

For instance, one is a slob and the other is a neat freak.  These differences started out being cute but aren’t anymore!  Eventually, she will drive him nuts wanting to talk about the relationship.

He will make her worried and insecure withdrawing at every attempt she makes to talk.  Before you know it, they feel like enemies to each other either some of the time or all of the time.

Breakdowns in Communication

The next time your relationship suffers from a breakdown in communication, consider what drew you to each other in the first place.  For her, feeling safe, protected and cherished satisfy deep, fundamental needs.  For him, feeling seen and respected satisfies deep, fundamental needs.

Instead of putting your attention on what you are not getting from your partner, put your attention on what you once gave and try giving it again.

Personality Conflicts and Communication

My husband, Joseph, and I have a personality conflict that contributes to breakdowns in communication.  It has occurred to me that addressing the personality conflict isn’t the way to improve the situation.

If we go there, we will wind up monitoring each other and/or ourselves, adding to the frustration and contributing to an even bigger breakdown!  Instead, focusing on what we originally gave each other in this situation might just save us a lot of heartache.

What the Personality Conflict Looks Like

The personality conflict looks like this.  I have a very active mind.  Whenever anyone speaks to me, they are intruding on my thoughts.  This means that for the first few seconds of conversation, I am in two places at once in my mind.  I’m finishing up my thoughts and beginning to pay attention to the person speaking to me.

Things can get lost in translation because of my active mind!

In addition, my sharp mind prefers details.  Instead of telling me something like, “That was the best hamburger I’ve had in a long time,” when it’s been a couple of days since that hamburger was eaten; I prefer more details such as, “Remember when we ate at the Stony Knob Diner last week and I had a hamburger and fries?

That was the best hamburger I’ve had in months.  We need to go back there soon!”  I realize people don’t talk like that.  Folks pick and choose from hundreds of thoughts to share and often begin mid-sentence.  I speak like that because details matter to me.  See, it’s just a personality issue.

It Isn’t Personal

It isn’t personal. What gets personal is how we handle it when I get frustrated because I don’t understand something he said.

We have dropped into the habit of Joseph periodically saying something that I don’t understand.  I don’t understand because I don’t believe I have enough details to understand.  I communicate that I don’t know what he is talking about with frustration and impatience in my voice because I very much want to understand.

Frustration Emerges

Also, because we have had this breakdown going on for a number of years, the frustration in my voice has grown.

He feels like I am telling him something is wrong with him and so he gets impatient with me and gives me one of these looks that brings out the beast in me!  Suddenly, a personality issue has become very personal because of tones of voices, feelings, attitudes, and a breakdown in communication.

It’s Not Life and Death

Even though a personality conflict isn’t a life or death matter, it can make me as a woman feel unprotected, unsafe, and not cherished.  Someone who loves and cherishes me wouldn’t look at me that way!

The same personality conflict makes him feel unseen and disrespected.  Suddenly, a truly insignificant-in-the-great-scheme-of-things incident rocks us at the core because these fundamental needs are challenged!

Make Attitude Changes

Next time, I am going to respond with a different tone of voice by coming from a different attitude.  Instead of reacting from the space of impatience and frustration I have made a habit of, I am going to come from the space of seeing him and respecting him.

That would look like telling the truth.  Such as, “I was with some thoughts in my head and didn’t catch all that, would you mind saying some more?”  I bet I will get a different response from him.  Taking responsibility for what is going on in my head is far more respectful!

If Joseph were working on this on his own, he might choose to interact with me from a place of cherishing my feelings to see if he could get us to shift gears with this personality conflict.  He might say, “Gosh, I know it frustrates you when you don’t get enough details and it frustrates me to slow down and provide them!  But here goes…”  I would find that disarming.

Without either of us manipulating the other to communicate in a certain way and by simply taking responsibility for the truth of where we are at when the communication breaks down, we are able to treat each other in a way that communicates love, respect, and cherishing.

That satisfies those fundamental needs that we once easily met and we get to walk out of a personality conflict that causes breakdowns rather than risk walking out of the relationship, causing a break up.

Honesty delivered with care and compassion rocks!