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Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

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The Question: I met a wonderful man in April 2006. On our first date he told me that he would be moving across the country for graduate school in August and would not be interested in a long distance relationship.  I continued to date him anyway, and we had a great relationship for 5 months.  We saw each other every day and basically lived together.

When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems.  He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible.  Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day.  He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend.  I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title.  I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title.  The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions – as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company?  If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart

Why insist you each be lonely and miserable during the times that you can’t be together. Go out and enjoy life, rather than sitting around waiting by the phone. That way when you are together, you can really have fun and enjoy each other without the worry and dread of when it’s going to end and you have to be apart again.

If you’re afraid of losing him to someone else, then you are letting fear and jealousy get in the way of a perfectly good relationship.

Are you ready for a really controversial statement?

“Complete honesty and trust in a relationship is more important than complete monogamy.”

Trust has nothing to do with what someone is doing or who they’re with.

My definition of trust is “knowing that the person you’re with feels comfortable enough with you to tell you absolutely anything without fear of retribution.”

Dan and I have an agreement that if we are ever interested in someone else, we’ll talk about it and if it seems like the right thing to do, then so be it. Isn’t it a little selfish to keep our partner from being happy, just to satisfy our own selfish desires?

“Unconditional, or true love means that you love someone regardless of what they say, do, or feel. Love is something we give, not something we take…”

This is probably not what you’re going to hear from other people, but I recommend not trying to hold on so tight and letting things develop naturally. Enjoy the time you do have together. Life flows much more easily when we stop trying to control other people and make them fit into out tight little boxes. And trust me; we all have our boxes of how we think reality ‘should’ be.

In summary…

  • Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
  • If you’re going to have a long distance relationship with him, then enjoy it for what it is, see each other when you can, and stop worrying about commitments and what he’s doing when you’re not around.
  • When the time is right and you’re BOTH ready, you can make a more serious commitment.
  • Worry less about what everyone else says that you should do and follow your heart.

Relationship Secrets… Should I Have Told Her?

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The Question: I’ve been seeing a girl for 4 months. We were serious but she started teaching and wanted to take it down a notch because she is under so much stress from the internship and she has anxiety attacks and is on medication for them. I found out today that another reason she can’t be serious with me is that I get mad at things she thinks I shouldn’t.

During the 4 months we have been seeing each other I’ve kept it a secret that I have anger issues from a head injury I got a couple of years ago. This injury left me with small lesions that affected my mood, memory, and some motor and thinking skills. Even though I’ve been through therapy for it and have gotten somewhat better, I hate telling girls, or anyone else, because I don’t want to use it as a crutch or a sympathy card.

I got so worried after tonight that she was seriously going to dump me that I sent her an email telling her of my ailment. The last girl I dated and told her about it kinda disappeared, so I’m a bit scared what she will do because I really like this girl. I just couldn’t let her keep thinking that I’m a jerk when my anger is only so much in my control.

Should I have told her about the lesions and how they affect me or should I have kept my mouth shut? 

The Answer:

Whether you should have told her or not doesn’t really matter since you already told her. What’s done is done. As a rule I never regret absolutely anything. You can choose to learn from all your choices and experiences and do something different next time, but stay away from regret and self doubt. They only hurt you and lead to uncertainty, which leads to more regrets. 🙂

But keep this in mind for the future… You should always talk about a serious or emotional topic in person, never on the phone or via email. In an emotional situation like this, if you really need to get it off your chest, type up that email and then save it in draft or delete it all together. You’ll feel better and will still have the opportunity to let things cool and have a calm chat in person.

From my perspective, full disclosure is a must if you’re considering a long term committed relationship with someone. Otherwise, secrets (small or large) seem to create a heaviness over the relationship because you’re always wondering if the other person will find out. Most likely, your partner will find out anyway because secrets have a way of coming out eventually.

It is however a good idea to wait to share certain intimate details until it looks like the relationship is actually going somewhere. Picture going on a first date with someone and you both go through a laundry list of countless little things that "the other person should know". Most of those are completely irrelevant if you don’t build a relationship. Unless you have a firm foundation and you truly want to be together, none of that stuff really matters… and it could torpedo your chances of getting to know each other.

Regardless of any disability, she was attracted to the person you are today, and the person you’ve been for those four months. Period.

Your best chance to salvage the relationship and keep her is to confront the anger problem aggressively. Start a new anger management therapy program, or whatever else you think will work, and include her. But definitely take action to make it better. That way she’ll see that you truly care for her and you’re serious about making her happy and being with her.

Second Date Ideas… Keeping it Fun and Exciting after the First Date

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The Question: I have a second date with a special girl. I live in the Cleveland Ohio area. I found a place we can go to see x-mas lights on a horse-drawn wagon. She has a daughter and I’m thinking she is ready to settle down.  I really like her and I’m ready to settle down. Do you think that the horse drawn wagon is a good idea and not too pushy or romantic?

The Answer:

The horse drawn carriage ride definitely sounds romantic and also very thoughtful. Everyone goes to dinner at some fancy place on their first dates – that’s not special. She’ll appreciate that you actually came up with something creative and romantic.

If you want to stand out from the crowd, always strive to be yourself, to be different… Don’t go on the same dates everyone else goes on, and don’t copy what everyone else does. Do something exciting and memorable, and most importantly – have fun.

Fun and happiness is extremely infections… people just can’t get enough.

One caveat… if she seems at all uncomfortable around you, then it may be best to take her to a more public place place like a restaurant. That way she won’t spend the evening with her guard up and the two of you should have a lot more fun. That’s usually more of a first date issue, but still keep it in mind.

In the end, you two will have to decide together. Tell her what you’re planning and let her choose what she’s most comfortable with. Better yet, brainstorm some ideas together, and come up with fun ideas for future dates. That way you’re way more likely to reach third date and beyond. 🙂

A word of caution on the topic of settling down… you’re not there yet. Don’t rush it. If you’re too focused on the end goal of “setting down” you could sabotage the relationship before it takes off by being too pushy or needy. When the time is right and you’re more comfortable around each other (you’ll know when that is…) – talk openly about how you both honestly feel about settling down. Make sure that you have that conversation in a neutral, no pressure environment and be prepared to listen to what the other person has to say.

Take this one day and one date at a time. Enjoy your time with her now and see how your relationship grows and evolves.

You’re definitely on the right track… keep it creative and exciting and fun.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent guide 300 Creative Dates.

Friends After Break Up… Why Won’t He Return My Calls?

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The Question: Last year Jim and I dated for a month then broke up. We’ve known each other for 4 years and after the break up last year we still remained friends. And then, this year in April we got back together again but he broke up with me about a month ago. He said he never wants to see or speak to me. Please tell me why he suddenly doesn’t want to be friends? Please help me because I need to know this to get over him.

The Answer:

There are many reasons why he may no longer want to be friends.

Here are some possible reasons why some find it difficult to stay friends after a breakup…

  1. He may need time to heal emotionally. It could be painful to see you.
  2. He may be seeing someone else and fears that being friends with you may jeopardize his new relationship.
  3. If the breakup was difficult, he may be angry at you and need some time to cool off.
  4. Being around you may bring up emotions and feelings that he’s trying to suppress.

It could be one of these or a hundred other different reasons and you’ll make yourself crazy trying to guess what that reason is. In the end, the ‘why’ doesn’t really matter because it’s an emotional decision, not a logical decision. When we try to identify the ‘why’, what we’re really doing is trying to come up with a logical explanation for an emotional decision. If you stop and think about this for just a moment, you’ll see why it doesn’t make sense to even try. So whatever the reasons, he’s decided that the two of you can’t be together and you need to face that and move forward with your life.

If you continue to try to figure it out, you’ll just end up blaming and finding all kinds of faults with yourself, which will in turn make you miserable. If you keep pushing him, you could end up spoiling any chance of a future friendship.

So STOP! Yes, right now. It’s time for you to move on with your life and find happiness.

One of the best ways to get over the pain of a relationship that has ended is to get back out there and date some new people – find that connection again.

Contrary to what some people think, we don’t believe it’s necessary to be miserable and alone for a certain period of time after a breakup just to avoid the rebound zone. Being lonely and alone won’t make you or anyone else happy. It’s almost like punishing yourself for no reason.

But what about these rebound relationships that we’re always hearing about? Don’t people warn you to stay away from rebound relationships?

Well, yes and no. Just be aware that when you break up with someone it’s very common to find someone that’s the exact opposite of the last person you were with. More specifically, the exact opposite of whatever you think didn’t like about your previous partner. This is good and bad. It’s good because experiencing many different types of people and relationships allows you to better identify the exact type of person who is really right for you. It’s bad because, this new ‘opposite’ person may also be opposite in all of the things that you actually liked about your previous partner. Just keep this in mind as you find yourself attracted to new people. Stop and ask yourself what it is that you like about him or her and make sure that it’s not just that they are ‘not’ like your previous partner.

By the way, if you do prefer to be alone for a while that’s OK too. It’s your life; you make the rules. Do what feels right in your heart.

Trying to figure out why your last relationship ended isn’t going to help you, it’s only going to make you miserable. So, keep an open mind, call up some friends, and go meet some new people. Listen to the advice of those you trust most and then always, always follow your heart even if it goes against their advice. You are in control of your destiny and what’s right for them may not be what’s right for you.

First Serious Relationship… Should We Date Other People?

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The Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost seven months now, and I love him a lot. He says he loves me too, and I believe him. We’re already talking about getting married after we graduate from college, but I feel uncomfortable sometimes because this is my first serious relationship. He, on the other hand, has had actual girlfriends before, and a lot of them. In fact, he started dating me about a week after his previous girlfriend broke up with him.

Maybe this shouldn’t bother me so much, but it hurts so much whenever I think about how he’s loved multiple girls before me. It just feels like if we broke up, he’d begin dating someone else right away. He promises this wouldn’t happen, but I’m not so sure. It wouldn’t bother me so much if I was his first girlfriend also. I feel like if we end up getting married, I’ll have wanted more dating experience.

I thought I should talk to him about this, but honestly, what good would it do? I can’t change the past, and I’m sure he doesn’t regret dating any of his past girlfriends, but I regret not having had more serious relationships. I thought maybe I could talk to him, and we could take a break for a month. I haven’t said anything to him yet, but I do want to know whether he’d date other girls during that month, or wait for me, proving he loves me.

I know it’s stupid and he shouldn’t have to prove his love. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, jealous, and vindictive… but it hurts, thinking of all his ex-girlfriends. What do you think I should do?

The Answer: First serious relationship or tenth serious relationship, the feelings that you’re feeling are perfectly normal. They’re feelings of ‘wanting control’. We all want to subtly, and some times directly, control other people – our friends, our parents, our boyfriends, our co-workers. We want to make them do, act, and say the things that we feel is best.

The easiest solution here is to try to let go and understand that you simply can’t control another person. You can love them, and they can love you, but you simply cannot ever control them and make them act the way you want them to. This is an illusion that has shattered countless relationships.

One of the biggest underlying problems in troubled relationships today is that people feel like they "own" their partner. This is the real reason behind jealousy and similar types of feelings. The best thing to do is to just allow other people to be themselves and love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

It doesn’t matter who he’s been with before. It’s those decisions and those relationships that have made him the person you’re in love with. In the same respect, it’s your experiences, or lack of experiences that make you the person that he loves today.

If you want to date other people, then that’s cool. Just be up front about it, talk about it honestly, and make sure that it’s something you both want. But you shouldn’t set a double standard and definitely don’t use it as a test to see what he’d do. If you bring it up and he honors your suggestion, then that’s the deal. Simple. Just be prepared to accept the outcome. If you let the birdie out of it’s cage to see if it’ll fly away… it just might.

I’d stay away from the marriage talk for now. If and when the time is right, you’ll know. Some people get so excited about getting married quickly, we joke that it’s almost like locking in a low mortgage rate… "quick, sign here before the rate goes up".

Guess what? There’s no requirement for every relationship to turn into marriage. In fact, a lot of relationships sour that way because we all grow and change. Many times, we grow and change in different directions, regardless of what the legal marriage document says. It’s a good idea to take enough time to be sure that you’re both growing in the same direction.

Live your lives together, enjoy each other, and be happy on your journey together. Tomorrow will come soon enough and in it’s own time. Until then, enjoy what you have now.

Related Link: Are you just getting back into the dating scene? If you are then come check out a free personals site where you can browse through singles in your area or even find date ideas.