marriage counseling

On Tiger Woods, And Adultery

Let me state publically I am not a Justin Timberlake fan at all. His acting and even his stints on commercials and on Saturday Night Live I can handle, but his music and singing leaves me hallow. But in one moment I looked past my own personal dislike for the man’s abilities and saw him as a fellow human being broken before my eyes.

It happened during the Ashton Kutcher show Punk’d on MTV. The prank was to have Timberlake believe his bank assets were frozen, his money gone, and the FBI was on their way to visit him for tax evasion charges. The one person he turned to for help wasn’t Britney Spears, but his mother. He sat there shell shocked and bewildered and at that moment the joke wasn’t funny at all. I saw him on the verge of tears , as if his whole world was crumbling ; whether his own doing or not, I saw a young man who thought he had it all feel very humbled and human. Thankfully Ashton came out, set it straight, got chased by Timberlake and he was back to his old self again. At least it was all a joke.

Tiger’s Betrayal

But for Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods the last few weeks have not been good to the once unstoppable machine. My first thought of the news of Woods’ infidelity was a simple one. Finally, Tiger, the golfing machine, is human after all. And what should be a time to gloat or point is really, for me at least, a time to be saddened for him and to realize my own faults in the area. You see, I betrayed my former wife too and I’m not proud of it one bit. Some may say it’s only because you got caught that you feel sorry. I wish that were true. Unless you are a cold blooded adulterer who just doesn’t give a care for the crimes you’ve committed, there is the tinge of sorrow for the person you betrayed or the situation you find yourself in.

Diane Lane is perhaps one of the sexiest women I ever seen on the screen. But the times she was being sexy she played a woman who chose to have an affair (a nicer word for adultery). In the movies A Walk On The Moon and Unfaithful, she so aptly conveyed the look and feel of a person caught in adultery than any other actor I’ve seen before. Her look on the train ride home in Unfaithful is one of both sexual highs and the low reality of what happens to her relationship with her husband (played by Richard Gere) and her family? It showed on her face, a mixture of bliss and blunt force, not knowing what to do with her feelings, but not ready to let go of the taste of forbidden fruit. That’s the thing about adultery and why it has fascinated both media and the public for centuries.

Adultery In The Bible

One of the commands of the Ten Commandments given to Moses to share to the people has this line in it: “…you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20: 17b) . And yet we do it anyway; we wonder just what it would be like to sample our neighbor’s significant other. The most famous case of adultery is with King David. Yes, THAT David! The one who took down Goliath as a young man with a stone, who went on to become king of Israel and one who has a generational line that later produced a not too shabby carpenter’s son with a flair for miracles. Even the media of the time (who ever wrote the Old Testiment story) caught the act for generations to read about.

No longer going about in battles for the people of Israel, David was relegated to spend his time in the palace while younger men devoted to him sought to fight for the king’s honor. One night he found himself on the rooftop of the palace and checked out this beautiful woman named Bathsheba. She was bathing in a pool not far from the palace. When I read the story I had to think she was probably the finest looking Jewish woman around to get David’s loins aflame like they were in the story, because he took some drastic actions to get his way. He tried to get Bathsheba to come with him through conventional ways (talking to her husband Uriah) but when that didn’t work he sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have Bathsheba for himself. He thought his plan would work and no one would be the wiser.

The prophet Nathan came to be the most famous whistle blower in history when he confronted King David of his crime. As close as David and God were with each other, did David once think he was going to get away with infidelity? Sadly, he didn’t. Nathan laid out his crime and the consequences that would visit not just him but the nation of Israel and his family. Because of what David did, Israel would go through a host of bad kings who did wrong in God’s sight, leave a divided nation, and sowed the seeds for the Jewish people of that time to be taken from the land. Yet David found solace with one of the greatest apologies ever recorded in history and hope for restoration. In Psalm 51, David asked God to “wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.” (From the New American Standard version).

Coming Clean With Yourself

In my own “Scarlet Letter” moment, I had to pray that prayer a dozen times before calamity hit the fan and I was left in my own destruction. My own actions betrayed a trust, caused a broken heart, and did damage to my life and reputation. I turned to food to give me solace for the crimes I committed and it took a long time to recover from my own deeds.

I keep thinking the media and the public should be having a serious talk about adultery and why do people in the spotlight (i.e., David Letterman, LeAnn Rhimes, Gov. Mark Sanford, etc.) think they can get away with it. Then the cameras should point to the audience and ask the very question to the public. Why do we, peons of the world, think we can get away from our adultery without the need for a camera or publicity in our faces 24 hours a day? Maybe Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine, had the right idea that monogamy is overrated. He does have a point; David had many wives if you read in the Old Testament and God made it clear if David was lacking in a wife he could have any that he wanted. Maybe that’s the discussion we need to have about whether the expectations of a monogamous life is a life we can realistically live a “happily ever after” or not?

What Is Lacking In Your Sex Life?

The real conversation—married or not—you should have in your bedrooms should be about your own relationship and is there anything you can do to strengthen it or make it better? Are you lacking in the sexual department? Should you think about ways to make the bedroom spicier than just reading a book or watching Letterman? Even before you decided to get married or living together unmarried the best discussion you should have is where are you and what do you desire intimately? We talk about everything else, but many a couple fail to talk about their intimate desires for fear of sounding too dirty or being rejected.

For now, there’s no stone in my hand aimed for Tiger, no “see I told you so” shouts at him, no wagging of the finger. I have no stone because I’d be one of the men who would drop his stone and walk away to leave the adulterous woman in the care of the carpenter’s son I talked about earlier. See, he came with this profound statement that whoever is without sin needs to throw the first stone. Apparently we all fail in this department and others to keep us from being head executioner.

Sin is sin. No sin is bigger or greater than another. Lying is as bad as adultery. Gluttony is as bad as adultery. These things we need to keep in mind because rain can come in our lives as easy as it does to the famous and powerful. But like anyone who has been through the storms of life, when our world is washed away and blown like the winds of a hurricane, we must find the courage to grieve for the moment, pick up the pieces, and build again.

The Good Wife

By drbonnieeakerweil

A show called The Good Wife, is a drama that focuses on the wife of a politician. Her husband has recently been thrown in jail for his part in a public sex and corruption scandal. She then returns to her old job as a defense attorney in an attempt to rebuild her life and provide for her kids.

It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

Polite Marriages Will Suffer

By drbonnieeakerweil

If you’re like most people, you were probably taught early on that being polite toward others is one of life’s top priorities. And while this advice certainly has a place, it can be detrimental to marriages if taken too literally. There are, in fact, statistics to prove that polite marriages end in adultery. There are two sides of this coin.

When You CAN Be More Polite

1). We tend to be most casual with the people we know best. The relationships in which we’re most comfortable – where we’ve known the other person for a long time, where they’ve seen us at our best and worst – tend to be the places where we are most open about our feelings and frustrations. These dynamics are usually within marriages, long-term relationships, or with family members. Being open with our feelings is a crucial part of having a functioning relationship, but too often, we unburden ourselves from the stresses of the day without giving a second thought for how disrespectful this could be to the other person. We let our true colors show, for better or for worse, and the people we’re the most comfortable with often become the people we unleash upon. When we find ourselves tending toward these extremes, we could benefit from being more respectful, and yes – a bit more polite. But then there’s the other extreme.

When You SHOULDN’T Be More Polite

2). We walk on eggshells with our partner. This can be due to many things: we were taught to be overly polite toward everyone; we haven’t learned to be ourselves around our partner; we’re afraid of what the other person might think; we’re afraid of the intimacy that honesty could bring. Whatever the reason – some being more drastic than others – the result tends to be the same: when a relationship is too polite, both people suffer. Avoiding confrontation, bottling up true feelings, refusing to communicate honestly – all these things can have damaging results . Things can sometimes even end in an affair, if either or both parties feel they can’t be themselves around their significant other.

Finding The Balance

Obviously both of these situations have major flaws. To deal with both of these problems, couples must learn to communicate openly about things that bother you, things you’re struggling with, things that stress you out. You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

The solution is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight fair.

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

By wendystrgar

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

True forgiveness is when you have no memory of how it was before. The past loses its grip on your memory and suddenly there is room for a new way of relating. It’s an odd phenomenon because it isn’t an experience that you can will to happen, it is something that happens to you, seemingly without you- when you have an open heart and a true intent to find what there is to stay for.

Choosing to stay in a relationship is tied to the belief in the power of forgiveness to change life completely. It is the singular pathway we have at our disposal to make things new between people. Having an excellent memory and needing to be right are not helpful in developing this quality in your life.

Be Respectful To One Another

The other important agreement we made was to stop saying anything mean or disrespectful to each other. Couples often have subtle sarcasm, jokes that aren’t really jokes that pepper a conversation and slowly but surely eat away at the positive feelings between them.

Taking note of how often we might say things to our partner that we would never utter to a friend or even a stranger might surprise you. Becoming conscious of the words we use in our daily relating is the door to making a partnership safe.

With practice, the hurtful ways we communicated were planted over by the two of us actively trying to stay. Over time, even the negative unspoken thoughts we were trying not to say were replaced with small kindnesses. Connection happens by itself when we feel safe.

A Whole New Life

Then seemingly suddenly, we began exploring our intimate life with a whole new curiosity and openness. Our sex life became the glue to hold the rest of the more challenging places together. The safer I felt in the relationship, the more risks I could take in the bedroom.

The more our physical love flourished, the more that our relationship thrived. There are still times when one of us, might not feel in the mood when the other does, but now it doesn’t mean anything more than what it is, bad timing.

Although it took us years to get here, sharing the kind of deep intimacy which is the reward for all the communication work that you put into years together is an extraordinary blessing. There is nothing like the “take your breath away” power of loving someone who loves you back, with their eyes wide open. There is no place in life that is more satisfying, healing and transforming.

Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

By chickinheels

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence. I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will. So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater. Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur. I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone. Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt. Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating. In most cases, something’s gotta give. Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

There are those who believe that the odd affair can ‘add’ something to their marriage.

Maybe they have the affair then realize what they ‘really’ have at home and come to appreciate it more. Perhaps the affairs are what keep the cheater feeling fulfilled, and if they are serviced in the area of desire while their partner services all of the ‘other’ needs they figure they might be able to have their cake and eat it too.

So much of cheating is about rationalization, however irrational it truly is.

End It or Stay In It?

For couples who have discovered adultery has occurred, your choices are to end the relationship and move on or attempt to mend the fences. I believe the latter is much easier said than done. Forgiving an affair is one thing, forgetting it is entirely another.

Once basic trust is lost, I don’t know if it can ever be regained. Does the discovered cheater want to live the balance of their life proving themselves and being mistrusted? Does the partner who was cheated upon not realize there are always more options then the person in front of you? There is.

There are always, and will always be other options and temptations for everyone in any relationship. The best you can do is to worry about yourself.

Prevention Just Doesn’t Work

It is my fundamental belief that you cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating. No matter how badly we’d all like to think we can. There are always couples where one person is shocked that their ‘perfectly happy’ relationship has been rocked by cheating.

However, most cheaters do not feel the same ‘perfect happiness’ that their partners suggest. Not everyone feels the same way even though they are in the same relationship. The best we can do is to try to be happy and fulfilled with the relationship we are in.

If your partner strays then they are not the best person for you anyway and we all deserve better. If you are the cheater, you are obviously missing something in your current relationship as well. The desire I seek in a successful relationship is to make my partner feel as though they are the happiest person in the room at all times.

I also expect my partner to do the same in return. Enjoying one another is vital. Attempting to change a person is not a viable option. Connection is key. Appreciation is also key, however, you don’t have to kiss your partner’s ass in order to save your relationship from the threat of infidelity.

You’ve got to WANT to appreciate that person, and they do the same for you. Be your best person and fully expect to get what you give. If you worry your relationship will be hit by a bus one day, you’ll waste precious time when the outcome of tomorrow is almost always uncertain at best.