marriage – Page 16

Struggling With Power And Money In Your Relationship?

In spite of feminism’s best efforts, in spite of our determination otherwise, decades of clearly defined gender roles can simply prove hard to undo, and women today may still be fearful of their wealth and power.

Subconsciously (or, even consciously) they don’t want to outshine men, because they know that men can feel obsolete when they’re no longer the breadwinner. In traditional gender roles, men may be more defined by money, therefore when they’re not the one bringing home the biggest paycheck, it can weigh on their ego.

Sometimes, it’s not only men who are conflicted when their role as breadwinner comes into question. Often, women are uneasy about this circumstance, if only subconsciously.

Money conflicts in relationships

The most common way these feeling manifest themselves in a marriage or relationship where the woman is making more than, or has just as much professional responsibility as, her male counterpart, is through conflict that centers on money.

No matter what stage of a relationship you’re in, there are tips and tricks to keep in mind in order to help minimize these struggles. Even if you’re still early on in a dating relationship and you’re unsure of who makes more, it’s nice to have these ideas in the back of your mind just in case the situation arises.

Money shouldn’t be the most important thing in a relationship, or in life, but it is often the most PROMINENT cause of struggle, even among friends.

What men can do if their significant other makes more money…

*Validate what she does professionally, since that is a big part of who she is, and she no doubt wants your support!

*Focus on the positives of your situation. You may have more free time, more entrepreneurial possibilities and freedom to take more financial risk

*Encourage her if she’s traveling for work or working late hours. Don’t contribute to the guilt she may feel

What women can do…

*Be his biggest advocate concerning the role your partner has professionally and in your relationship.

*Be discrete. Don’t brag about your earning power. This is something that should be done no matter WHO’S making more!

*Discuss money, but in the context of shared goals. Acknowledge that his paycheck is also helping you reach these goals

What to do together…

*Take turns paying the bills so it doesn’t feel like one person has the “financial upperhand.”

*Prioritize

*Negotiate

*Discuss any resentment immediately

*CREATE moments for fondness and appreciation.

Everyone struggles

Married AND single people struggle with these things and it can be hard for women who tend to have society telling them two very different things.

1). They are encouraged to pursue their dreams, but 2). are sometimes made to feel guilty if they outshine men or chose their career over “traditional” feminine roles. This creates problems not only for the women themselves, but for their significant others as they try to relate to the woman in their lives.

Men and women, ingeneral, have different approaches to acquiring power and money, so it becomes even more important to take the tips above to heart and to communicate with your partner to avoid sliding into any type of revenge behavior or financial infidelity.

How Do I Know if My Partner Has an Alcohol Problem?

By johnloumcmahon

One of the most common questions I am asked is “Does my partner have an alcohol problem?”. This is not only a very common question it is also a very common problem. It is estimated that, in the Western world, at least 1 in 10 drink in a way that could be harmful.

Furthermore between 3 and 5% drink in a way that could be extremely harmful and about 1% would be classified as alcoholic. So do these statistics help, probably not. We will return to the question, and more importantly why people ask it, shortly but first of all let’s look at this question in a slightly different way.

Yes, Houston, There Is A Problem!

About two weeks ago I was fortunate enough to take possession of a brand-new holiday lodge in the beautiful Devon countryside. This was a lifestyle choice to get out of the city more often, spend quality time as a family, to walk and get fit and to provide a wonderful environment to work and write. The lodge is great. It has everything you would ever need, washing machine, dishwasher and even wireless broadband.

So as you see it is not exactly back to nature or at least not in a primitive way anyway. However last week we were the victims of the UK summer, which seems to be getting progressively wetter. It has been raining a lot recently but one day last week we had rain that was absolutely torrential, it just poured down.

I love storms especially when I am cozy and dry and looking out at them, makes me feel as if I’m in a little cocoon. An hour or so into this storm we became aware of a pool of water under the central heating boiler, so was the boiler leaking? Further investigation showed us that the rain was coming in the flue in the roof, landing on the boiler and running off it onto the floor.

Next-day the repair man arrived. After an inspection he told us that that the leak was caused by the wrong type of rain (not sure what the right type is). When we looked at him completely incredulous he started into a technical explanation about the angle of the tiles and wind direction, almost certainly designed to baffle and make sure ignorant laypeople like us to stop us from asking any more awkward questions.

Finally I said to him I’m not really that interested in long explanations about what is wrong, I already know what is wrong, there’s a leak, what I need to know is can you fix it? All I want is that we do not have any more water coming through the roof.

And The Point Is?

All very nice I hear you say, but what has that got to do with whether or not my partner has an alcohol problem. Well the same principles apply. If you are asking whether your partner has an alcohol problem, then there is probably a problem and it probably concerns alcohol. Your partner’s drinking is causing a problem between you, or at least there is a problem for you. We did not need anyone to tell us that a pool of water on the floor was a problem.

Do you really need someone to tell you that your relationship is suffering because of your partner’s drinking, that you are anxious any time your partner is late home, or when you go to a party. If these types of things are happening then YOU have a problem, that is, your partner’s drinking is causing you difficulty and that is a problem for your relationship.

Would knowing your partner had a the medical diagnosis, alcoholic, dependent, binge drinker, alcohol abuser, make you feel better or help solve your problem? Just like the statistics quoted at the beginning of this article, this is information that is probably not very helpful, so why would you want it? Why do so many people ask this question?

But He Doesn’t Drink Every Day!

The main reason is almost certainly because your partner and you disagree about whether they have a drinking problem. They probably point to the fact that, they don’t drink every day, they don’t get drunk every time they drink and therefore they are not an alcoholic. This may or may not be true but it is a different question altogether.

Even in England it does not rain every day, but when it did the rain came through my roof; problem! If he or she is not drinking or getting drunk every day that is great, but when they do, problem! That is the main criteria – is the drinking causing a problem in your marriage?

Most people with an alcohol problem do not face up to it immediately, but then neither do most people with a weight problem, exercise problem or any other kind of problem. You have probably discussed the issue, maybe angrily, maybe tearfully, in the past.

You are probably feeling fearful, angry, frustrated and insecure. You probably feel that if you just had that little piece of information that would prove s/he has a problem. You want a lever (diagnosis) to make you feel supported and to convince your partner that you are right and that change is required. Well you have the information. You don’t need a doctor to tell you that there is a problem. However what you do about it we will address in another article.

Casual Dating or Serious Relationship? How to Know For Sure…

By loveandsex

When it comes to dating, different couples have different ways of managing their relationships. What is healthy ranges from one extreme to the other because really, it’s not about what is “normal,” it’s about what is right for you and your partner.

Some couples take it day by day while others start planning for marriage and kids down the road. How can you make sure you and your partner are on the same page?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating a really sweet and generous guy for about a month now. We decided to take it day by day. Today he texted me and ask me “How do I feel about him”. What does this exactly mean? I am sort of confused.

–Tina, FL

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Fyj4o3JMnQ[/youtube]

Taking It Day By Day

When dating, taking it day by day can mean a couple different things. For most people, taking a relationship day by day means living each day to the fullest and making the most of each day, while still leaving your options for the future open.

Some couples, however, take taking a relationship day by day quite literally, and consider whether they want to continue dating each day. While a day by day approach can be great for a newly forming relationship, taking it too literally may mean one partner might not be on the same page as the other.

Your partner might be wondering how you feel about them if you’re consistently re-evaluating your relationship on a daily basis to decide if you want to continue dating.

Taking a relationship like this by the week or month might be a better option, because while you’re still leaving the future open, you’re giving a little bit more of yourself to your partner without making a heavy commitment.

Whether you’re taking a relationship by the day, week, month, year or century, you and your partner won’t be on the same page unless you talk to each other about the relationship and where you see it headed. Talk to your partner and be open and honest about how you feel about them.

Talking To Your Partner

You don’t have to skirt around issues. If you can’t be honest with your partner about the relationship, the relationship probably isn’t going to last much longer anyways.

When dating, it’s perfectly fine to say, “I like you and I enjoy spending time with you. I want to continue to spend time with you, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Making a commitment doesn’t feel right to me right now.” Your partner should respect what you have to say and how you feel about the relationship.

You should encourage them to open up about how they feel about the relationship as well. For example, if your partner comes back and says, “I love you and I’m ready to make a commitment,” you and your partner might have some more discussing to do. It’s definitely possible to make a compromise, especially if you both really like each other.

This can never happen, however, if you and your partner don’t talk about the relationship with each other. No one likes to be left in the dark and going without talking about it because it might seem “awkward” will leave one or both partners really wondering where things are headed.

Just sit down with your partner, keep it light and casual, and give each person a turn to talk about the relationship and how they feel about it. You might find that you really are on the same page, but if you’re not, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to get there.

Five Tips for Creating Soulful Intimacy In Your Relationship

By sarahelizabethmalinak

There are times in life when we experience intimacy in natural, spontaneous ways. Consider love at first glance.

Someone who was a stranger is now in your life 24/7 and crazy about you! Suddenly, parts of your life that were private are now on display to the one you love but with whom love hasn’t been tested.

For instance, putting potato chips on your sandwich in front of him or her makes you feel awkward with the intimacy of the exposure of a funny, little detail of your life! The first time you get naked together makes you tingle all over from the vulnerability. Intimacy that is the result of love at first glance is easy.

It is when we have been in love for a while that we need to turn our attention once again to intimacy. We can create the kind of intimacy that will set our souls aflame! Following are five tips for creating soulful intimacy.

Speak and listen in a new way

Men and women communicate differently. Men like to get right to the point; therefore, they only have so much time and attention when it comes to listening. They want you to get to the point! Women, on the other hand, like to share nuances of insights and feelings when they communicate. Getting to the point for a woman might take several meandering twists and turns first.

One way to create soulful intimacy is to speak and listen in such a way that your partner feels seen and heard. When a woman gets right to the point, her man hears her in a completely new way, which is gratifying for both of them! When she listens with focused attention, he feels heard and appreciates this.

When he listens to her meandering thoughts and expressed feelings, she feels cherished. When he takes the risk to speak of his feelings, philosophy, and personal experience, she feels honored.

Without trying to morph into the opposite sex’s viewpoint, just every once in a while speak and listen the way he or she does. As simple as it sounds, doing so will make you feel you are taking one of those risks that makes you feel the kind of vulnerability that creates a fresh spurt of intimacy in the air between you.

Get imaginative with touch

Think of times when you are together on a regular basis other than when you are making love. Watching television together, preparing a meal, grocery shopping…things like this.

Consider where you might touch your lover in a place that usually goes ignored. The inside of the arm, neck, ears, and small of the back are possibilities. Perhaps it has just been too long since you were in the habit of resting your hands on each other’s thighs when sitting together.

Make a habit of reaching over and touching each other in ways that communicate, “You are my beloved, I am yours, and that is wonderful.” Always take a moment or two and be present with your touch. Look at him or her and feel your love and appreciation for the privilege of loving each other.

Lighten up and have fun

If life has been weighing on you and making you far too serious too much of the time, find things for you and your lover to laugh about. Learning to laugh at yourself, admitting to your flaws in humorous ways, acknowledges the fact that the two of share intimate knowledge of one another that goes beyond the physical. It heightens your sense of togetherness.

Be sensitive, though. Be sure to laugh with your partner, not at them. Invite their compassion, not their competitive edge.

Find reasons to genuinely appreciate your lover’s extended family

Perhaps it is so that we will move out there and start our own families, but most people have a difficult time dealing with each other’s extended family members. An easy and even lazy way for couples to create intimacy is to gossip and put down their own and each other’s family members.

A better way is to discover what you can truly appreciate in at least one member of your lover’s extended family and communicate that to your lover and the family member. When you genuinely care for those he or she loves, your lover feels appreciated too. Whenever we feel seen or appreciated, soulful intimacy grows.

Be present for sights, sounds, scents, tastes, and textures

When you are in that love at first glance relationship, everything about your lover is new, mysterious, and desirable.

The way his skin tastes, the scent of her body, the curve of her hips, the light in his hair, the way her pinky toe lies at a different angle from the rest, and his “innie” belly button are just a few of many things that capture the attention, the heart, and the kundalini! With all your senses heightened, you are present for everything.

In the beginning, it can be overwhelming. As time goes on, it can seem to disappear forever. It doesn’t have to.

Simply be present the next time she undresses in front of you and let yourself relish how you admire her beauty. Be present the next time he gets out of the shower and relish how you admire all his masculine features. Breathe softly through your mouth and feel your body relax and open to your lover.

When you practice just these five tips for creating soulful intimacy (not to mention the many more your own imagination can discover), closing the gap for even greater physical intimacy is sure to follow!

What’s Your Imago? Huh?

By drbonnieeakerweil

Imago, literally, is the Latin word for “image.” It was originally used in psychotherapy to refer to the unconscious image you’ve created which defines the type of partner you’re looking for. I use it to refer to the ideas you’ve created concerning money, and how those ideas play out specifically in a relationship.

When looking to fulfill your “imago” when it comes to a mate, subconsciously, you’re looking for someone that will “fill in the holes” left by your experience growing up and your parents, or to adults who were formative in your childhood , and you’ll be attracted to these traits right away on a subconscious level.

Your Financial Imago

A similar statement is true when it comes to your “financial imago.” Ideas about money that you’re carrying around from your parents and from your childhood WILL affect your relationship. Don’t forget, however, that you have control over HOW they affect it.

Just as “relational imago” tends to draw you to someone who possesses a number of qualities that you don’t, or excels in areas you feel you fall short (hey, opposites attract!), you’ll often be financially attracted to someone who has financial strengths where you have financial “holes,” where you have unfinished childhood business.

In short, in some areas, you will likely pick a person that gives you the most trouble!

Your Financial Imago In Relationships

I studied under Harville Hendrix, who was the first to espouse the idea of relational imago and I’m applying his idea of Imago to finances in a relationship:

While you will always carry around your family money history, the things that trigger conflict about money are equally important. When dealing with finances in a relationship, you both have to understand the ways you’re prone to deal with money, and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.

In other words, you have to know your weaknesses, and know how you’re going to deal with them. As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple.

Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are a number of important questions you need to answer.

Important Questions To Answer

Things like: How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety? Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?

Other Considerations

Of course, these are only a few of the many things you’ll need to discuss before you head into significant life changes, but they are a good place to start. In many cases, you many not even know how to answer those questions yourself, much less how you will answer them as a couple.

The opposite can also be true: you will have a knee-jerk reaction as to how to answer them that may be completely opposite from your partners. It’s always best to get those reactions out in the open before you find yourself “in the heat of battle!”