marriage – Page 19

I’m In A Bad Marriage – Should I Stay?

If you find yourself in a marriage that makes you unhappy, you’re not the only one. It’s a difficult situation to get through.

Do you try to make it work? Do you try to leave, or get a divorce? Do you just leave well enough alone and try to be happy, even though you realize the rest of your life will be like that?

It can be even more difficult to sort through if you don’t have any support. Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hallo, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me recently and he never showed any guilt & never said sorry. I feel so much pain in my heart, I can’t trust him anymore, and he just goes out everyday after work to drink. I strongly feel I need a divorce but I don’t know how I will be able to take care of my 2 kids. I don’t have a job. My friends tell me to stay until I can manage on my own but I can’t see myself surviving. I thought of having a boyfriend but I don’t seem to get any maybe coz I’m no longer attractive or I look old. I’m only 30 y.o. I hope you can get me a male friend who is a Christian too and in a bad relationship like I am who can take me in and love me for who I am. I really want out, Please help me.

– Hellen, South Africa

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6qbaM_DOYc[/youtube]

Realize That You Have The Power To Change Things

When a person is in a bad relationship or a bad marriage for many years, they often end up feeling oppressed, down on themselves and have a huge lack of confidence. These are all things that will hinder you from changing the status quo.

You do have the power to change the status quo, if you want to. If you decide that you’d like a divorce, or that you’d like to leave the relationship, you might want to look into counseling before you do. A counselor can help you work through the bad feelings that come with ending a relationship or marriage, and they can help you learn to love yourself again and have faith in yourself to do what needs to be done. These are all things that will help make it easier for you when you do leave.

Do What It Takes

Many people will make excuses for staying in bad relationships and bad marriages. They will often say, “I don’t have a job” or “I have kids.” People who have done this before you had many different things that made it extremely difficult for them to leave, but they did it. They did what needed to be done, such as getting a job or finding a way to support their children on their own.

You can too! If you want to leave badly enough, you have the power to find a way. Take some time and do a little research. Find out what you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and then take the initiative to do it!

Using Crutches

Some people are afraid to leave unless they have another relationship lined up, or someone to “rescue” them from the situation. If you wait for someone to rescue you, you’ll likely end up staying in your relationship or marriage forever! Going from one bad relationship to another is extremely unhealthy and you may end up worse off than you were before.

If you’re ending a marriage or relationship, especially one you’ve been in for many years, it’s important that you take time by yourself to understand what went wrong, what part you played, and to learn forgiveness. You need time by yourself to get to know yourself again!

Bottom line, you need to figure out if you’re ready to stay in this marriage and accept it for what it is or begin to move on and start your life over.

If you’re ready to do the latter, have faith in your ability to stand up for yourself and stand on your own two feet! You are a real person and can make things work if you have the drive and the initiative. If you find that you don’t have the self confidence or the trust in yourself to do what you need to do, don’t be afraid to get help!

Magical Thinking About Finances Can Put a Strain on Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

At some point or another, almost all of us have used magical thinking to give us the confidence to go on when a relationship hits a rough patch. Most people are able to move through this stage by taking risks to confront their partners.

They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive. They realize that when two people become entrenched in a behavior pat tern, one of them must change in order to break the pattern.

There are no magical solutions

There are no “magical solutions” (except for those people still in the honeymoon stage).

When it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their partners.

Are you practicing magical thinking?

To find out if you practice magical thinking to ease concerns about money, ask yourself the following questions…

Are you a gambler?
Do you expect to win if you buy a lottery ticket?
Do you believe it’s just as easy to find a rich spouse as a poor spouse?
Do you believe you can influence your financial situation, or do you think that thingswill eventually “just work out”?
Do you avoid discussions about money?
Do you feel financially secure, even if you don’t have money put away?
Do you still feel nervous about your future, even though you are financially prepared?
Do you believe that appearances let you know whether a person you are dating does or doesn’t have money?
Do you find yourself daydreaming about a sudden scenario that will change your financial picture (for better or worse)?
Do you believe that if a bank is willing to give you a loan, you are capable of repaying it?
Do you pick pennies up from the sidewalk because you believe you will be able to save for a vacation that way?
Do you believe a college degree is a guarantee of a good income?
Do you believe that as long as you are working at a responsible job you can afford a new car or other major purchase, regardless of your balance sheet?
Do you believe colleges will give you or your children significant financial aid because you have large amounts of debt?
Do you believe bankruptcy is a way to get out from under your personal debt with no real consequences?
Do you believe it’s okay to carry high personal debt because “everyone else does”?
Do you believe that if you don’t open a bill, you don’t have to pay it that month?
Are you late with bills, even though you have the money to pay them on time?
Do you believe that you should always stretch yourself to have the best house, car, or personal technology available?
Do you purchase status items because they make you feel “rich”?
Do you put high-ticket items you really can’t afford on your credit card because it’s not like spending “real” money?
Are you “keeping up with the Joneses” even if it puts you in debt?

Practicing magical thinking when it comes to finances can put a strain on your relationship. Seek counseling to help you establish more realistic financial thinking.

Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids?

By loveandsex

Marriage is a choice that thousands of people make every day. For many people, this is one of the best times of their lives.

Unfortunately, however, marriage may not always be the best choice or the one that makes you the happiest and even worse, this is usually not realized until much later.

What can you do if you find yourself “stuck” in an unhappy marriage?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, please help! My friend has been in an unhappy marriage for 28 months. Her son is 23 months old. Before their marriage they broke up because the husband had another woman but she found out later she was pregnant and her husband married her unwillingly. All through out the pregnancy the husband was unsupportive and uncaring. They never share a room and bed since they marry. My friend is 40 y.o. She is desperate for a divorce but is worried that if they divorce, it will affect the child. He says he will never love her again, will never sleep with her and will never suggest a divorce. Please let me know how to help her. I’ve always thought it was a mistake that they got married.

-FD, Hong Kong

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT-AyaYIkoI[/youtube]

Assess the Situation

Being “stuck” in an unhappy marriage is frustrating, intimidating and upsetting. However, many people fail to realize they’re not really “stuck” at all. While one should never marry someone if they’re thinking they can just get out of it later, if you’re in a marriage and you’re not happy, you’re not really “stuck.”

You have the power to change the status quo at any time! You have the power to end the marriage and move on with your life. It may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it can be done and if it’s something you want or feel is necessary, it is certainly something you should do.

Assess the situation. Are you really unhappy in your marriage? Do you feel that counseling might be beneficial? Is counseling something you’re willing to do? Sometimes counseling can help, but not always. Give yourself some time to really think about what you want.

It’s not an easy decision to make or one that should be rushed. Some people will end up coming to the realization that the marriage is already over and the only thing left to do is make it legal.

Staying Together For The Kids

Many unhappy couples think they should stay together for their children. This is entirely up to you, but be warned that at this point, you’re not going to be in an ideal situation no matter what you choose to do. If you get a divorce, yes, your children will be in split homes. If you don’t, your children may learn that marriage is an unhappy, miserable place to be.

What you do stand to teach your children if you choose to get a divorce is that marriage doesn’t have to be miserable and you have a choice? You can teach them the reality that while marriage is intended to be happy and it can be but if it’s not, they have the power to move on and be happy in other ways.

Moving On

It can be difficult to move on from any relationship, but if you’re unhappy it is something that needs to be done. Realize that you deserve to be as happy as anyone else and use it to gather the strength and determination you need to move on and be happy! If you can’t work things out with your partner, it certainly isn’t the end of the world. While there are plenty of fish out in the sea, perhaps you want to swim alone for a little while!

Your life is what you make it and you can choose to stay in an unhappy marriage or you can choose to move on and find something that does make you happy. Realize that you’re never “stuck” anywhere you don’t want to be and that you have the power to change the status quo. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage if you don’t want to, plain and simple!

How Power and Risk Affect Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

A study published in the July/August 2006 issue of the European Journal of Social Psychology suggests that powerful people are more likely to take risks. The authors of thestudy theorized that high-powered individuals often benefit when they make choices that are considered high-risk.

The more power these people believe they have, the more risk they are willing to take. However, this behavior can set up an incredibly damaging dynamic. Consider, for instance, the number of scandals that regularly arise involving high-powered executives, wealthy stock-market investors, or political figures.

How power affects relationships

I’m quite sure that former president Bill Clinton never believed he would get caught when he embarked on an affair with a White House intern. Another psychological effect of constant risk taking is the impact the adrenaline rush that such behavior can provide. These thrill seekers “self-medicate,” and I see in my practice their self-destruction. Individuals who are prone to addictive behavior are in danger of falling into a damaging cycle where the rush of taking the risk becomes all the reward they need.

Whether or not their risky behavior is beneficial becomes secondary. And the more risks they take, the more powerful they may feel. This type of power dynamic in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners.

The brain’s reaction to powerful emotional even

According to Bret t N. Steenbarger, clinical psychologist and author of Enhancing Trader Performance, “When humans experience a powerful emotional event (and a big gain or loss in our wealth, even if it is on paper, is one) our brains don’t work the way they do when we’re calm. During times like these the analytical part of the brain shuts down….” You need a plan to limit risk, especially at these times when your brain fails you.

Assess your risk

To help you understand how much financial risk is present in your relationship, ask yourself these questions:

Do you have a plan in case of a financial emergency, such as loss of a job or a medical crisis?
Are there a lot of high-risk stocks in your portfolio?
Do you own your home?
Do you have multiple credit cards with high interest rates?
Can you easily make the minimum monthly payments on your credit cards?
Do you have an adjustable rate mortgage?
Do you have six months’ living expenses set aside in case of emergency?
Have you ever had to take a loan from friends or family to “bail you out” of a bad financial situation?
Do you pay yourself first by putting money in savings before paying your bills?

If your answers to the even-numbered questions are mostly “yes” and your answers to the odd-numbered questions are mostly “no,” you are living with a very high level of risk in your relationship. If the reverse is true (the even-numbered questions are mostly “no” and the odds are mostly “yes”), then you have an extremely conservative approach to financial risk.

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also

important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.

Why Your Relationship Success Depends on Feeling Your Feelings

By wendystrgar

Regardless of what kind of relationship you are in, the foundation for its success is based on your ability to experience and articulate your feelings. The authentic self disclosure of the joy, fear, anger and pleasure that your time together brings you is the adhesive material that makes relationships real.

Most of us are handicapped by our feelings. Not only do we not often give ourselves the permission and space to feel them, but often they exist without even being able to name them. Our internal experiences that don’t get expressed with language don’t just go away. They live in us and often surprise us with their sudden re-appearance at times when we least expect them.

The truth about feelings

Thinking about our feelings like weather patterns is a helpful beginning. Like a sudden storm, they inform and distract with their intensity. They are changeable and act on the environment and relationships you are in with great power. They reflect the nature of the moment with great accuracy. Our ability to experience and share our feelings in meaningful ways is one of the profound marks of our humanity.

Yet feelings are for many people a locked box; an experience that overwhelms and is difficult to express. We are taught in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons to suppress our feelings. We learn to silence our feelings so well that the messages in our bodies are not even discernible.

Suppressed feelings are not as invisible as you might think. They take on a life in our dreams and eventually become diseases in our bodies. Our inability to express our feelings cuts us off not only from our own experience but limits the connection we feel with the people we love most.

Why we disconnect from our feelings

Part of the reason we disconnect from our emotional life is because we are afraid we will be overtaken by our feelings. Small children are frequently shaken by the enormity of their emotional experience. When was the last time you witnessed a temper tantrum in the grocery store- what better metaphor for a giant storm raging inside a little body? What happened when your feelings were too big to hold when you were a child? What happens now?

Learning to feel begins with a choice

Jim Carrey was quoted in a Playboy magazine interview last year saying that “Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you’re sitting on the couch and you get up to make a triple-decker sandwich. It’s on the other side of that, when you don’t make the sandwich….It is about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling.

I am always asking myself “What am I going to give up next? Because I want to feel.” Learning to feel begins with a choice and the realization that authentic living demands the maturity to open up to your full experience, as messy as it might be.

This is, in fact, the do or dies work of relationships; to have the courage to feel the full range of emotions that comes with intimate connections. It is literally the fuel for the fire of passion, the air that keeps relationships breathing, the stuff of transformation and growing up.

Just as our weaknesses and frailties are wedded to our virtues and strengths, the ability to express uncomfortable emotions creates the possibilities of discovering the love and passion that we want most.

So how do we choose to live a feeling life?

How then do we make this choice to live a feeling life, to physically experience the internal storms of growing up and growing old? It is a practice, no different than learning a new musical instrument. Some days you hit the right notes, other days there is no melody at all. In agreeing to the practice, something opens and each moment gives you an opportunity to try again. Slowly you become comfortable with the weather systems of your emotions. Some days it is even comforting to know they are there.