marriage – Page 23

Why So Many People Marry Someone JUST Like Their Mother (or Father)

Have you ever wondered how in the heck your spouse can get under your skin the way that he/she can?

Does your partner’s behavior sometimes impact you on such a visceral level that you’re left vibrating for long periods of time?

I hate to be the bearer of news that might inflict deep psychic horror and disbelief – but you might have married one of your parents.

Did You Marry One Of Your Parents?

Okay, slowly peel yourself off of the floor now. Obviously, I don’t mean this in a literal sense – and not everyone will report this to be true.

Just consider the possibility that your partner shares some traits with one of your previous primary caregivers – the good, the bad, or both.

This is the topic of jokes to many, and there are still others who had never considered this until they found themselves on the couch at a therapist’s office, read a self-help book, or watched an episode on the subject on Oprah.

I can’t tell you how many people in my practice are filled with shock and awe by this realization.

For some, it’s a kind of funny moment – but for others, this realization can be quite upsetting, depending on what kind of experience they had with one or both of their parents.

Others struggle to wrap their brains around it at all. As light as a topic this might seem, it can be painful and stir up a lot of trouble for people in their current relationships. People can get caught up in destructive cycles that go round and round endlessly.

Why Did This Happen In The First Place?

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy and author of numerous books including, “Getting the Love You Want,” there are very good reasons why people unconsciously select partners with qualities – good and bad – of one or both of their parents.

He says, “We either overcompensate for what we didn’t get from our parents or blindly re-create the same painful situations.”

For example, are you deeply angered or hurt by your partner’s criticism? Does it cause more emotional reactivity than you would expect to have with friends, co-workers or acquaintances? Why would he/she have the power to rattle you in that way?

I believe our intimate partnerships and parental relationships are actually incredibly similar in the way we seek out “attachment” with these people. (I encourage a further look at “attachment theory” which is another very intricate subject on its own).

Parental relationships and intimate partnerships will typically be the most intense relationships we ever have – and have the ability to cause us the most pain – far more than friends, co-workers or acquaintances.

The similarity between these relationships is part of the key to understanding why we might be so emotionally triggered by things our partners do – particularly if they were also done to us when we were growing up and developing our sense of selves – and how we relate to others.

Hendrix talks about the idea of mate selection based on an unconscious pull to someone who causes us pain in a similar way to our parents – in order to “do over” the earlier wounding and make it right….

We probably don’t immediately notice the harsh side of our partners, but are swept up in all the positives – which are likely many. It’s sort of like the “honeymoon” phase where romantic love is in full swing and it’s not until we settle in do the little things start to come up and drive us up the wall.

In layman’s terms, your wife does something that reminds you (consciously or unconsciously) of a parent who might have hurt you this way, and you react like a lion on the attack.

Deep Down Your Fights Feel Uncomfortably Familiar

You might even have said, “I swear, you’re just like my mother!” It’s not only the negative traits that attract us but the positives as well.

However, it’s the “negatives” that get all the attention because of the emotional turmoil and relationship conflict it can stir up.

So, if a lot of us subconsciously pick partners who ultimately “trigger” us in some way, are we all destined to a life of occasional or frequent intense irritation, upset, or in some cases, rage?

Part of the answer is at least being aware of this phenomenon – and what your sensitivities are. Another part is talking about it openly with your partner and exploring ways you might both modify your behavior.

If communication itself is an issue in your relationship, this might be a bit more challenging.

Empathy and understanding are incredibly important when dealing with this subject matter. If an intolerable level of conflict and cyclical arguments continue then perhaps couples counseling would be helpful.

There are “Imago” therapists who have been trained specifically in this work.

I believe that by finding someone who at minimum comes from a theoretical orientation that accepts the “past impacting the present” and that parents influence how we are in relationships – you’d be off to a good start.

Consider It An Opportunity To Heal

If you think you’ve married your mother or father – don’t fret.

I believe most of us are in marriages where this comes into play for at least one partner – often both. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

On the contrary, if you come to an understanding of the forces at work, you are primed for the potential to have a very satisfying relationship.

If there are attachment wounds you suffered from a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to heal yourself within your marriage.

Do You Know The Secret To Marital Bliss?

By melody

Wow! I’m so Glad I Married You!

The main thing I remember about being with my ex-husband is how angry I felt all the time.

I was always unhappy with him about something.

He didn’t care if the living room was covered with screws from the many computer parts he was constantly putting together.

He didn’t care that I was alone almost every night in a small town miles away from my family while he was working late at night. He disregarded my feelings about most things and pretty much did as he liked with no regard for me.

I had a long list of gripes, serious complaints and general dissatisfaction with him that ate me up every day. When I left him I felt such relief, just to not be carrying all that resentment any more.

Being Single for 10 Years Gave Me a New Perspective

After being single for nearly 10 years I finally met and married my current husband. And, I have to say, I did a lot of work on myself in the interim. The gripes that that I had regarding my ex-husband, I am chagrined to disclose, were mostly kept to myself.

That is, between my girlfriends and myself, they all knew; my husband didn’t.

So now, going into this marriage I was determined to speak my truths and not pretend that everything was okay when I was deeply or even shallowly perturbed with him. Needless to say my first year of marriage was tough.

After years of not speaking my truths I began to realize that my truths were not THE truth. The fact that there were other ways of looking at things, and other perspectives was a shock to me, in spite of my training and knowledge.

This left me with a new way to look at my life, and what was happening in my marriage. Maybe there were other ways to look at what was happening, and had happened in my previous marriages (yes, marriages, plural).

You see the funny thing is that both my most recent ex-husband and my current one are in the same line of work. They even share the same name, and initials, first, middle and last. Both are hardheaded and extremely bright. Both work very hard and care a lot about their family.

Yet the quality of my relationship with my current husband is light years from my previous one.

Honestly, while some of this has to do with their differences (they are not exactly alike, even with all the similarities) – I really don’t believe that explains it fully.

The Gift of Gratitude

The difference that counts is that I am different. I am so very different in many ways, but the one that hit me tonight is that I am now able to be grateful for my husband.

Understand, my husband is not perfect. He has, like all spouses, his quirks and…

He has, like all spouses, his quirks and neurotic tendencies.

He has things about him that I am not all that fond of and he will, on occasion, royally piss me off. And there are times when he gets downright negative and bitter.

But, those things are not what I focus on. Today I realized that for the past 8 years of our marriage I have been blissfully happy, over all. I also realized that when I think about him, I don’t think about the things that piss me off or frustrate me.

I think about the things I am so grateful for about him.

Our thoughts are powerful things. I know many of us have heard the idea that “Thoughts are Things.” But I am here to testify to you that you can indeed change the quality of your relationship by how you think about what is happening.

Negative Traits Do Not Destroy a Marriage

When my husband was trying to develop a company that never made a dime and cost us what remained of our life savings (after the stock market crash), I didn’t nag him and focus on how bad things were. Instead I continued to focus on how grateful I was for him and all the things he brings to my life.

When he would pout and fume at me when I would return from trips to various activities, I didn’t push back and become bitter and angry with him. I focused on how glad I was to have him to come home to, even if he was temporarily unhappy with me.

When he got depressed after months of looking for work and not finding it, I didn’t focus on his bitterness. I just continued to focus on how grateful I was to have him.

The things he does for me are huge.

He holds me in the mornings before he gets up. He makes sure the pool is clean and the lawn is mowed. He feeds the dog and initiates doing the laundry on Saturday. He fixes anything I have that needs to be fixed. He helps me with projects I am working on and encourages me in the things I want to do.

He cares if I am unhappy and holds me when I cry.

Happiness Has No Price

Any of those things are worth the price I pay to be married to him. Having him be there to be a partner in my life is a gift that I cannot possibly express the value of in one sitting.

And, he doesn’t have to do any of the above all the time. In fact, he doesn’t. He doesn’t do them “perfectly” or always in the ways I would want him to do. But that is insignificant.

The funny thing is that I realized the full value of my gratitude for him on this Thanksgiving. This year he will make more money than both of us put together have ever made. We are closer than we have ever been and he is excited about the things he is doing and where his life is going. So am I.

I continue to be overwhelmingly grateful for him.

Focus On What You Do Have!

I am not telling you this for you to hear what a great husband I have. I am telling you this for you to stop focusing on what you DON’T have and start focusing on what you DO have.

Start being grateful for the fact that you have someone in your life that says they love you. Be grateful for the fact of this person. Be grateful for the fun times, the sad times, the stressful times because you have someone on the ath with you.

Be grateful every time they hold you, kiss you, do some small thing for you. Be aware that each thing they do for and with you is a gift that is priceless.

My husband has no idea that my gratitude is so great. He doesn’t really need to know that I am constantly in a prayer of sorts about how thankful I am that he is in my life.

Yet he does know, somehow, that he is appreciated. His knowing that he is appreciated makes him want to do and be more. It, unconsciously, pushes him to want to be what I need him to be. It gives him a sense that he matters and increases his sense of self worth. He feels happier.

A happier mate means a happier partnership. Thus, giving me even more to be grateful for every day.

Try it, you’ll be amazed!

3 Reasons Why Married People Have Better Sex

By speaksexy

It’s true, people who are married or in long term relationships continually report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people who are single or dating.

The old belief that committing yourself to one person dooms you to a life of sexual monotony is wrong.

Rather than placing limits on your sexuality, the emotional environment created by long term relationships (LTRs) actually fosters a more varied, creative, and explorative sex life.

3 Reasons Why Sex is Better in a LTR

1. Greater Sexual Frequency

The most obvious reason why sex is potentially better in a committed relationship is the general availability of a sex partner. Unlike the dating phase, most people in LTRs end up living together, which means sharing their nightly beds as well as their daily lives. This closeness often gives rise to more opportunities for sexual contact.

Instead of having to make a date to get together, and then trying to seduce your date into your bed, he or she is already there!

To counter this point some argue that sex happens most frequently in the beginning stages of a relationship, so “serial daters” have more sex than those in LTRs. But this isn’t actually true.

On average married couples have sex once or twice a week, which may not seem like very much to someone who is in a “hot” new relationship and having sex three times a day. But remember, married couples have sex once or twice a week every week, all year long, for years!

And some LTR couples have much more sex than that. Of course the frequency of sex also depends on lifestyle changes such as children, stress levels, etc. But even after all of these things are accounted for, the average person in an LTR still has more sex in a given year than the average single person.

2. Easier Communication Means More Satisfying Sex

Couples who have lovingly and willingly committed themselves to each other share an emotional bond that is deepened by constant communication. They talk openly about everything – including their sexual likes and dislikes.

Once people are at the point in their relationships where they feel secure with their partners (knowing that ‘saying the wrong thing‘ won‘t jeopardize the relationship itself), they are much more willing to be upfront about what pleases them – and what doesn’t.

For example, it’s a lot easier to tell someone, “You know, I really don’t like it when you squeeze my thighs so hard during oral sex. It’s too distracting…” when you’ve been with them for a long time than when you’ve just started having sex together.

Said to someone in a stable relationship, the above admission will probably be received in a “Good to know, thanks for telling me” kind of way. But said to someone in the early stages of a relationship, the admission could be received offensively because the underlying emotional foundations of security that are needed to support sexual technique criticisms just aren’t there yet.

The open and consequence-free conversations that characterize LTRs usually lead to a very intimate understanding of what both partners sexually enjoy, making each sexual episode an opportunity for improvement.

3. Trust Allows for Experimentation

Once all the talking is over, it’s much easier to put those communicated desires into action if both partners trust each other completely. Most sexual experimentation – from trying new positions to living out one’s wildest fetish fantasies – happen inside of LTRs.

Yes, there are instances when one partner refuses to do or try something the other partner would like, but usually couples are able to find compromises or alternatives. And once an activity is found that thrills them both, they can continue exploring it, and all its variations, to the fullest.

So the next time someone tries to convince you that marriage or commitment will ruin your sex life, remember all the reasons why this simply isn’t true. Healthy relationships are the best places to develop, explore, and deepen your own understanding of all the wonderful emotional and physical experiences sexuality has to offer.

Featured Author, Rose Rivera has a Masters degree in Family and Sexuality Studies and is the founder of SpeakSexy.org, a website dedicated to keeping readers abreast of the latest sexuality trends in an intelligent, provocative, and erotic way. For more great sex tips be sure to sign up to Speak Sexy’s feed today!

The Little Known Secret to Getting What You Want From Your Partner

By melody

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Really!

He leaves his things on the floor and then gripes about the house being a mess. He doesn’t seem to get it that I want him to listen to my feelings. He is so distant and in his head all the time. Why doesn’t he act like he cares about me?

That woman! She always acts like she knows the best way to do everything, and she is never listens to what I have to say and get irritated with me over the most stupid things. Why doesn’t she pay more attention to the important things? I hate it when she makes such a mess with her stuff in the bathroom and leaves those bottles everywhere.

Nagging At and About Our Mates is Almost a Way of Life

We build up a case against the person that we love the most and then wonder why they are unhappy with us. When couples come in for therapy they inevitably have a long list of complaints about their spouse. They have been unhappy with their spouse for years for one reason or another. They don’t like this. They don’t like that. By the time the come into see me they are convinced that their partner has been doing everything wrong and what they really want (though they won’t always admit this) is for me to tell their partner what is wrong with them and to help them fix their partners problems.

It is a rare event to have someone come in for therapy who understands that they, as a couple, have a problem and that it’s not one or the other’s fault.

The first few sessions are generally spent with both partners laying out their case against their partner and looking to me for validation. Then I begin explaining to them that they are each responsible for what has become a laundry list. Rather than spending all of their resources and energy pointing out each other’s flaws, they need to focus instead on what the other is doing right. I don’t know what it is about our culture that makes us focus on the problems rather than the blessings in our lives, but we do.

Is Your Partner Really That Terrible

Letting ourselves focus on the blessings our mates bring to us helps us to encourage the very traits we most want to build upon. We want our partners to listen to us, to support us, to care about what we care about. We want them to show us they love us through the things they say and do. How do we get that when our partners seem so far from being able to provide it? We start with “catching them being good”. We notice aloud the things they do that we appreciate and value. We refrain from nagging about the things we don’t like and we praise and celebrate the things that we appreciate about our partners. The more we share our positive feelings with them about what we like, the more likely it is those behaviors will be repeated. They will feel loved and appreciated and we get what we want.

Why is that so hard for us?

For one… We often don’t believe that we deserve the things we really want so we don’t do the things that will give us what we want. Then we blame our partners for not providing it, even though we have not done our part in providing an environment conducive to their being loving!

When we protest, “Why of course I want my partner to be more loving!” Yet we refuse to do the very things that will create the space for them to give us what we want. We demand, we nag, we criticize and we berate. We try to make them be what we want.

NEWS FLASH: You can’t make your partner do anything!

Help Your Partner Help You

Instead, create an environment that invites them to be what you want them to be. If you want your partner to be more loving, be more loving to them and verbally appreciate the things they do that make you feel good. Notice the things they do that are attempts to be loving, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.

My husband hates it when I leave town. He is unhappy and for years he acted angry and distant when I was getting ready to leave town. Yet, he always, without fail, checked my auto fluids and tires before I got on the road. I saw this as a supremely loving act, in spite of his decidedly unloving angry behaviors. I let him know how much I appreciated his doing this for me and hugged him. I verbalized it to my friends when they were around to let him know that I was proud of his being so loving toward me. Now, while he still hates it when I leave town, he is never angry and distant.

Loving behaviors come in all sorts of forms, and we don’t always have the same idea of what it is to be loving. When we can notice what our partner is doing in an attempt to show us their love, even if it’s not in the form we want, we can encourage the loving behavior and then ask for what it is we do want.

Stop Criticizing and Start Praising

Criticizing focus’s on the negative behavior and leaves the other person feeling unappreciated and devalued. Praise creates an environment of joy and a desire to please. When we tell our partners, “I loved it when you did the laundry for me. It makes me feel so cared for to have someone in my life help me with those kinds of details” it creates a bond of appreciation.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t tell our partners about the things they have done that displease us, I am just saying that the messages should, on balance be more positive than negative. Letting our partners know what pleases us is positive feedback that creates more of what we want. Negative feedback (criticism), when it is more frequent than positive feedback (praise) creates the very things we don’t want. It creates an unhappy partner who feels unappreciated and undervalued.

Share the joy with the people around you who know you and you grow the impact of the praise exponentially. Let your partner hear you bragging on them to your friends. Tell your partner how your friends reacted to things that you tell them about your fantastic partner. I guarantee you will get more of what you want through praise and “super praise” (bragging in front of others) than you will ever get through criticism.

Why There’s Still Hope for Marriage

By loveandsex

Why do we cry at weddings?

I think its because we are all hopeless romantics. We all want the dream of a lasting connection that keeps us engaged and invested. We want to feel hot about our lover 30 years into the marriage and we want that for others. We cry because we want it for ourselves and because we don’t really know if it’s possible.

My daughter cried at my wedding. She was, afraid, perhaps. Afraid that while it seemed so good at the point of the wedding that it might not end up the fairy tale. I’ve been married three times now and she knew how it could turn out. She has seen my two previous marriages fail and got a really clear picture of how bad a bad marriage can be. But even at that third attempt, she cried. She wanted, at 16 to have a father who cared about her, and a husband for her lonely mom. Her hopes brought tears.

As she walked down the isle herself, a couple of weeks ago, I cried. My husband asked me what I was feeling and I told him, “Sad, glad, wonderful.”

What was amazing me was that in spite of seeing me go through two disastrous marriages, she still had hope. She believes in her ability to love, and she believes in her husband.

When I hear the debate about whether you should stay together for the kids or show them that it’s okay to find happiness, I am amused. Ideally, we should all be able to make it work out. But watching miserable parents suffer for their sake does not make for well-adjusted children.

What I like to think my daughter saw, which gave her continued hope, is that when you are determined enough, anything is possible.

Ending two marriages in divorce was not what I wanted for my kids, or in the least, myself. I was ill equipped to manage a lasting connection. My mother also went through two divorces, one when I was a toddler, and another long after I was grown. So I saw both divorce, and “staying together for the kids”. Neither provided me a model for intimacy.

But I was determined to have what my mother did not, a lasting, intimate connection with my husband. What I did, and what my daughter witnessed, is to find out what it took to have what I dreamed of having.

I hoped therapy would help me find it. And undoubtedly, the work I did and the things I learned did pave the way. But it wasn’t until I discovered the Cycles of the Heart model that I fully understood why it is so horribly difficult for most of us to have that romantic dream. And it wasn’t until I understood the way out that I was able to do it differently.

Discovering that the way our minds are wired and… how our culture has indoctrinated us into believing that we have to view every problem as a question of “who is to blame” transformed my life and my relationships.

I also believe that it is why my daughter was able to confidently take her vows with a kind, loving man with whom I have no doubt she will have a marvelous life. She learned, along with me, that there is a different way to live than we have been led by biology and culture to believe.

So I cried at her wedding. I cried from a depth of understanding of the possibilities before her, at 27, which were not there for me. My joy overflows, because she is starting out her life with wisdom that eluded me.

She cried at her wedding, too. My husband lifted his glass in toast to her. He said, with tears in his eyes, (as best I can recall) “You two have everything you need to make a marriage work. Because I know that you (my daughter) have realized that you can’t forget who your husband is when you are in conflict. No matter how angry he is, or you are, you don’t forget who he is in spite of whatever might be happening. This is how I know you have what it takes.” She burst into tears because she knew what he said is true, and that she had won an incredible prize by having this gift.

This wisdom doesn’t come easily or naturally. It’s something we have to learn, and continue to practice. But it makes all the difference in the world in our relationships, whether with our spouse, our children, our parents, our friends or our neighbors.