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Divorce Advice: My Friend Can’t Get Over Her Ex Husband!

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A friend of mine got a divorce from her husband years ago, but she still pines for him like it was yesterday. I want to be there for my friend, but my patience is wearing thin. It’s been ages – why can’t she move on?

What She Said

These things take time and there’s no accounting for someone else’s grieving period after getting a divorce. That said, some tough love might be needed soon.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

Of course, there’s a fine line between caring and codependency. It’s great to help your friend seek alternatives, but it’s not your sole responsibility. It’s important to set some boundaries. Tell your friend that you care, but venting about the ex is now limited to ½ hour of your time when you two hang out. (Or whatever limit you’re comfortable with. You get the drift). She’ll probably be bummed at first and might try to push you for more. Stand firm in your decision. When time is up, move to another topic. Allowing your friend to continue moping is clearly affecting your relationship. She might feel like you’re “not being a good friend.” Say that the cutoff is because you want to see her shine and that it’s in no way a lack of support.

The best you can do is encourage your friend to get back out there, all while recognizing that the choice to do so is hers alone. Invite your friend to the movies, the gym, parties and nights out on the town – places where she can get used to the social scene and get life going again.

You’re Not The Therapist

Remember, your role is “friend” not “professional therapist.” If she still needs to process the divorce, suggest that a counselor would be better suited for the emotional needs she has. It sounds like the subject of the former marriage has taken center stage for a long time. If she’s as good a friend to you as you are, she’ll most likely snap out of it and realize that you need a break from the baggage. Friendship is a two-way street; it’s her responsibility to meet you halfway.

What He Said

I have never been married, so obviously, I have never had a divorce. But last weekend I was in the gym, and I was trying to work out around some of the weekend warrior types (the type of guys who go to the gym and only exercise their jaw muscles and then wonder why they look like crap) and these two guys were talking about their children and their ex wives. The following conversation actually happened.

Guy #1: I don’t think I’ll ever live with another woman again. I will have my place, she will have hers. That will make it easier when we break up.

Guy #2: Yeah, I can’t do the serious intimacy any more. That’s why I just have sex with women.

Guy #1: I can’t even do that. I’m still do afraid to date.

Guy #2: Yeah, that was me for a little while after I got divorced six months ago. When did you get divorced?

Guy #1: 2005

Guy 2: (awkward silence)

I wanted to say what Guy #2 didn’t have the balls to: That’s sad. I don’t care how messy, painful or nasty the divorce was. Move the on already! Five years have passed and the guy is still damaged. I don’t know what the details of his situation are and I frankly don’t care. They don’t matter any more. His ex isn’t the problem, HE is the problem. And so is your friend.

What can you do? Probably nothing. I wouldn’t let her bring the issue up any more. If she does, tell your friend that she’s not allowed to anymore. Feel free to be a jerk about it. But only if you need to be. Try being very firm first. Say that you love her, but enough time has passed and you won’t be letting her drag you into this crap any more. If she wants talk endlessly about the problems she has, that is what Oprah is for. Not you.

Relationship Advice: Are You Spending Too Much Time Together?

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When you’re in relationship with someone, it can be so easy to want to spend every moment you have with them, particularly in the beginning of the relationship. However, there’s a fine line between what is and isn’t healthy. If you start to notice that you never see your friends anymore, or you’re dropping activities you used to love from your schedule, things may have gone too far.

You may even realize that you’re beginning to grow bored with dating your boyfriend and girlfriend because you’re slipping into a routine. We can’t expect one person to satisfy all of our needs, so we have to have a well-rounded life. You may be surprised to find that pursuing your own interests and friendships can actually make you and your mate that much more intrigued by each other.

How Much Is Too Much?

Perhaps you are feeling smothered by your relationship, or you suspect you’ve lost your sense of self. Think back to the things you did when you were single. Did you have a regular ladies’ or guys’ night? Were you a member of a club or sports team, or taking a class to pursue a hobby? While you may not want to pursue every activity from when you were single, it’s worth adding a few back into your lifestyle. You don’t even have to do something as frequently as you used to. If you and your girlfriends had a weekly movie night, perhaps you can try to attend at least twice a month.

Maybe your monthly camping trip with the boys can now be done three times a year. As long as you’re maintaining at least one other important relationship in your life and taking some time out of your schedule for them, that’s a start. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. You may find that your girlfriend is that much more excited about spending the following weekend with you upon your return from that camping trip.

Keep Up With Your Own Hobbies And Interests

It is also important to keep up with hobbies and other interests you have, whether you invite your significant other to participate in them with you or keep them an alone-time activity. This isn’t just because you’ll feel happier, but also because it makes you a more interesting person. Your partner loves you for all the things that make you a unique individual, and that includes the fact that you love to read, or cook, or go running every morning.

Maybe you can no longer play video games for an entire Saturday afternoon, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fit in an hour here or there. Plus, this helps encourage your S.O. to develop his or her own interests. While you’re busy baking that cake, your mate can head outside and practice free throws. Now you have that much more to discuss with and learn from each other.

Don’t Shoulder Your Partner With The Responsibility Of Making You Happy

Truthfully, it boils down to this—if you drop all of your friends and hobbies for a relationship, you’re now reliant on your partner for all of your happiness. That’s not fair to either of you, and it can place a strain on your relationship in the long run. You will both feel better if you can learn how to maintain a sense of self-worth. It’s important to have friends there for the times when things aren’t going so great with your boy/girlfriend.

You need a network of support, just as you need to know that you can make yourself happy through hobbies and solo fun. Having two well-rounded people in a relationship will make that relationship that much more compelling. That’s the best way to ensure a long, happy and interesting romance.

Love & Romance: The Best Of 2010

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While love almost always comes freely and naturally, actually telling someone how you really feel about them isn’t always the easiest thing to do. It’s harder to actually say those three simple little words than it is to say anything else really, especially if you’re in a new relationship and have never said it before.

Even after you’ve told your partner that you really care about them, continuing to be romantic throughout a relationship is also difficult. It’s easy to sweep a girl (or guy) off their feet when you first start dating them, but after you’ve been together for some time, day to day life gets in the way and romance isn’t on the forefront of your mind.

Romance – especially for guys – is something they have to work really hard at and romantic ideas rarely pop into their heads without an instigator. Does this mean that telling your significant other that you love them or bringing romance into your relationship is impossible? Not hardly.

It may take a little more work than you originally thought, but there are lots of ways to let your lover know how you feel, often without even saying anything at all. This year, we’ve found the best romance tips out there and the best ways to show your partner you love them. Take these suggestions with you into 2011 for a romance filled new year!

Relationship Advice: Addressing Your Partner’s Annoying Habits

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When in a relationship, you spend a lot of time around your partner and whether you live together or not, you may find that their bad habits become particularly grating upon you. We all have bad habits and annoying traits that can get on someone’s nerves, so take it with a grain of salt. This is someone you love, so you can’t let a few annoying traits ruin your relationship. Instead of constantly arguing about your mate’s lesser traits, here’s how to find a polite way to address the problem at hand.

Figuring Out What Is Worth Bringing Up

Most annoying habits are small, so there are two fairly simple ways to deal with them. You can either decide that there are so many other great things about your S.O. that you can ignore one or two tiny annoyances, or discuss the issue calmly together. Oftentimes it can be good to combine both methods. Attempt to fix the problem, and if your mate just can’t break the habit, let it be. For instance, if your boyfriend leaves his towel on the floor instead of hanging it up when he’s done with it, find a neutral time to discuss it with him.

Don’t approach him right when he’s committed the act, or you might say something harsh in your moment of anger. Wait until later and casually mention that you couldn’t help noticing his towel on the floor. Tell him you know it may sound silly, but it would mean a lot to you if he’d hang the towel up the next time he uses it. If he doesn’t follow through, wait a few days and try again. If things don’t work after a couple of tries, accept that the trait isn’t going away. Then you can either elect to ignore it, or just accept that you’ll be hanging his towel up from now on. If that makes you angry, try to remind yourself that you probably have one or two bad habits yourself. That will ground you a little.

HOW To Talk To Your Partner About Their Annoying Habits

One of the most important things to avoid is accusing your partner of embarrassing you or being unworthy. Even if your girlfriend is the world’s most annoying gum smacker, you need to be tactful when you talk to her about it. You’re setting up an argument if you ask her to stop her trashy gum chewing in public. That just makes her defensive. Instead, try suggesting that her annoying trait might be making people think she’s less classy than she is in reality. Point out that you know she’s generally refined and fun to be around, and that she might want to reconsider her habit’s ability to give people the wrong impression. By working in compliments and pointing out what you love about your significant other, you’re effectively buttering them up to get better results.

What About Your Bad Habits?

If you really want to get results, you should be prepared to do some work yourself. Strike a bargain with your mate and agree to kick one of your bad habits if they’ll stop theirs. Pick a habit of yours that you know really bothers them, or ask for their input. When they suggest a habit for you to break, be ready to suck it up and accept the challenge. If you promise to stop cutting your toenails on the couch as long your S.O. stops popping their knuckles regularly, you’ll both appreciate it. It also helps remind you that nobody’s perfect; ending bad habits can be difficult. You’ll have more empathy for each other during the whole process.

Nobody’s perfect, of course. You’ll never be able to eliminate all of your partner’s bad habits, nor they yours. The main thing is to remember that you both love each other, and that your good qualities outweigh the bad ones. Keep a cool head, try for little changes, and don’t have ridiculous expectations. Patience and acceptance will win out in the end.

Cheating: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

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Cheating is definitely a fear that most people consider their biggest relationship fears. Yet many people make the mistake of cheating on one of their significant others over the course of their dating career. What do you do when you find out that your loved one has cheated in the past? Is that an automatic sign that they’ll eventually cheat on you? Though we can never be one hundred percent certain of our mate’s fidelity, there are warning signs to look out for and traps to avoid.

Does Your Partner Have A Cheating History?

Nothing can throw a wrench in your relationship faster than finding out that your partner has a history of cheating. Suddenly your confidence is shaken, and you begin to suspect the worst. There’s no point in jumping to conclusions without further investigation, though. The most important thing you can do is talk to your significant other about it. If you find out that your partner cheated on a former flame, ask them about what happened. Was that the only person they’ve ever cheated on? Why did they cheat? Were they bored or unhappy with their partner at the time? How long did the affair carry on for, and how serious was it? Your S.O. may be ashamed to talk about it, so calmly let them know that you’ll feel better if you hear the truth.

After you hear their side of the story, you need to really think about what they’ve told you. If your boyfriend cheated once on a girl he dated for a month in high school, he’s probably not a player. You have even less to worry about if he immediately broke up with the girlfriend and started dating the other girl. That’s typically youthful poor judgment, and he tried to make it right in the end. If your girlfriend had an affair with two other guys over the course of several months, that’s a different story. You probably should be a little worried. You should be even more worried if you find out she cheated on her boyfriend before him, too.

Will Your Partner Ever Stop Cheating?

Anytime there is a storied history of cheating, you should tread lightly. People should be forgiven for a one time mistake, but repeated infidelity, especially with more than one partner, is a sign that your S.O. can’t really function in a monogamous relationship. Unless you have major evidence that they’ve changed their ways, you have every right to be worried. However, even if the person has only cheated once, it’s still important to know the circumstances around that singular event. It’s wrong to cheat no matter what, but some situations are worse than others. If your significant other was in a terrible relationship that he/she was trying to end, that’s not quite as awful as cheating on their loving spouse out of curiosity.

In The End, Trust Your Gut Instinct

Regardless of the severity of the cheating incident, it’s important that you hear your partner out and learn all that you can. If you feel they’re still worth trusting, then by all means stay with them. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep an eye out for odd behavior, like secretive phone calls and multiple unexplained date cancellations. You should definitely be wary of any weird changes in behavior, but you need to talk to your significant other about it before you jump to conclusions. If you don’t feel you can trust your partner to stay true to you, though, it’s time to end it. There’s no use drawing out the relationship and constantly worrying that they’re cheating on you. Suffering through the paranoia won’t be fun for anyone involved.