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Should You Combine Finances?

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You and your honey have been seeing each other for a while now. Perhaps you’re already living together (in sin, high five!) Things are going great and you have every reason to expect that they will continue to do so for as long as you care to imagine. So let’s talk a little business. To what extent should you two lovebirds combine your finances?

Will Combining Finances Destroy Your Relationship?

If you haven’t thought about it before, maybe it’s time. Sharing expenses can save you some good money. Rent on one pad is cheaper than two. Family cell phone plans save money. Why keep two Netflix accounts? What could possibly go wrong? The view through your fancy, Elton John-style, rose colored glasses might make it seem like the only things you’ll need to make your relationship work are love and lots of vigorous sex. In the real world, however, not many things can match money trouble for sheer, teeth-gnashing, relationship-destroying power.

Some couples will prefer to keep things separate: half-and-half on the rent and utilities; separate groceries and phones; and Dutch on every bar tab. Other couples will be perfectly comfortable pouring all of their bread into a joint checking account and letting fate sort it out. No one way will be right for everyone. Here are several things to consider.

If yours and your honey’s paycheck match dollar-for-dollar, you may expect that each of you will pitch in an equal amount of dough to keep to homestead running. However, if you’re a musician or a public school teacher and your significant other is a biochemist or a crooked lobbyist, it’s likely that one of you is supporting the other in ways that don’t involve money. In that case, it might not make sense to split expenses down the middle. Think about the different ways that you contribute when you’re deciding how to figure this all out.

Who Will Manage The Finances?

Another difference between partners might be their level of financial prowess. If you have a credit score lower than the monthly payment on your 1993 Ford Escort, and your partner’s score is best expressed in scientific notation, proceed with caution. That stellar credit score came from years of diligent responsibility and you don’t want to screw it up. On the other hand, one of you is clearly better at the whole money and bills business. Maybe you should let Mr. or Ms. Responsible handle all of the money stuff.

Two more important things to consider are trust and privacy. If you’re a shopaholic with poor financial self-control, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not relationship material; we all have our little flaws. You just might want to make sure you’re playing Supermarket Sweep with your own money. Also, if you value your privacy when it comes to the purchases you make, you may want to make sure that you have at least a portion of the money you make kept separate from the joint account. After all, if you’re considering marrying your finances, marrying your selves might not be too far behind, and not many things can spoil a three-carat surprise like a joint checking account!

May-To-December Romances: Can They Last Over Time?

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Lolita. Harold and Maude. American Pie. Marked age differences in a romance are nothing new to the world of literature and film. However, are they really conducive to modern-day relationships? Can two people of differing generations find a connection that transcends the decades?

Younger Man + Older Woman Or Older Man + Younger Woman?

The first aspect to consider is the genders as they relate to the ages. Would an older man/younger woman combination be more likely to succeed than an older woman/younger man relationship? Not necessarily, but it is more acceptable by society’s standards. Nowadays, a young woman on the arm of her older partner would not cause one to even bat an eyelash. The stigma of an older woman courting a young man is slowly dissipating, but the situation is still likely to draw jokes about her being a “cougar.” Because of that stigma, it is often harder to be taken seriously as a legitimate couple.

Spring-Time Perks

One of the best ways to succeed in a May-to-December romance is to find a way of bridging the gap. For instance, if you are a young woman (or man) with no interest in the wild dating scene, you may be looking for someone to settle down with right away. Meanwhile, an older man (or woman) has focused on his/her career for most of their adult life, and now they are ready to start a family. These people are able to meet halfway to fulfill their common goals or desires.

Cold Weather Drawbacks

The relationships that seem doomed to fail are the ones in which the couple does not have a connection deeper than appearances, money, or other superficial perks. For example, an older man may proudly find himself the target of his friends’ jealousy when he starts dating a hot 18-year-old. However, the disappointments quickly pile up when he realizes what may accompany this particular age: no previous adult relationships, insecurity, partying lifestyle, and little “real world” experience. Also, you may enjoy the vigor of your younger lover. Yet, what happens if you are ready to have a baby or to move to the countryside, but your energetic partner isn’t ready to settle down?

And Over Time?

Moreover, generations have widely varying ideals, values, and goals from the next. One woman, whose parents are 20 years apart in age, shared her experiences. While the age difference didn’t matter when they were in their 30s and 50s, respectively, it certainly made an impact when they hit their 60s and 80s. When she was younger, the mother hadn’t minded her husband’s old-fashioned views about “a woman’s duties,” such as rearing the kids, cooking, and cleaning. Yet as an aging woman, she no longer had the energy to do all the housework. Also, as he grew older, he became less interested in such activities as traveling—even though she was still into traveling the world.

“While a big age difference is irrelevant for a time,” she concluded, “it’s almost guaranteed to cause problems if you’re still together when the older person is actually old. They have a good relationship despite their differences, though. They knew what they were getting into and decided they loved each other enough that they’d deal with it.”

How To Open Your Relationship

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Would you ever be open to swinging or having an open relationship? While the common reaction to this question is “hell no!” what if you are open to the idea? How do you tell your partner? Most importantly, how do you keep it from ruining your relationship? First and foremost, it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship (although many swear it will). You must be open-minded, trusting of your partner, and ready for lots of honest communication. Opening your relationship is not something to be entered into lightly.

Broaching The Subject

If you think your partner might be open to swinging, just be honest. Tell him or her that you might want to talk about doing it someday. Feel out the reaction. You don’t have to make a decision right away, and it may take several conversations before you decide if you want to proceed.

Getting Started

Talk it out, talk a little more…and then talk again. Talk about why you trust each other and how a situation like this could damage that trust. Talk about your concerns and expectations. Lay down ground rules to get past first time swinger fears. It cannot be stressed enough that communication is key. Choose if you’re looking for a swap or individual situation. If you’re going to meet someone one-on-one, decide if you will tell each other the dirty details afterward. Establish what kind of check-ins you’re going to have (checking in before and after a meeting makes your partner feel respected and lets them know you’re okay). Decide which acts you’re allowed to perform with others.

Seeking Partners

There are plenty of places on the internet to find people for sex. Your local CraigsList.com is free, but there are a lot of scams and prostitutes to sift through. Sites like AdultFriendFinder.com have a small fee, but eliminate the shady people who just want your money. This can be fun but tedious. Together, you can browse through the myriad of people. Discuss the type of (as well as what turns you on or off about) the people you’re interested in meeting. If you find someone you’re interested in, send a message. Ask about their habits and hobbies and why they’re in an open relationship (or looking for a couple). Tell them about your own expectations and agreements.

Getting Down To Business

Many people choose to meet in a public place for a first meeting. A hotel bar is usually a good location, since you can get a room if the meeting leads to sex. Now, this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway: Protect yourself and practice safe sex. Use condoms, dental dams, a safe word, and make sure someone knows where you are. Tell your significant other about your plans; if you’re going out together, leave a note at home or inform a (very open-minded) friend.

In The Afterglow

Time for more communication! Talk about the things that you felt good or uncomfortable about, as well as whether you want to continue pursuing a swinger relationship. Finally, remind your partner of how important they are to you and of just how much you love them.

How Can An Affair Be Defined As A Life of Truth?

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It may seem strange to hear someone attribute their affair to wanting to “live a life of truth” but that’s exactly what John Edwards’ mistress did on a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey. “Our hearts were louder than the minds,” is how Rielle Hunter explained her decision to have an affair with a presidential candidate whose wife has cancer. Additionally, Hunter insisted that she wasn’t a homewrecker because the Edwards’ marriage was over long before she got involved and that she isn’t sure whether she hurt John’s wife Elizabeth. According to the New York Times, Hunter justified the affair:

[Hunter] said she didn’t regret the affair, and instead painted the whole sordid scandal as a perhaps necessary stage in Mr. Edwards’s “process” of self actualization. “I followed my heart, and I believe it was the right thing to do … I was supporting him in his process, and his intentions never wavered. I knew that he wanted — he just had a really unique way of getting there — to live a life of truth.”

Could Edwards’ Relationship Be Saved?

Most people would look at this situation and make the determination that there is definitely something wrong here, whether or not you believe that John Edwards‘ relationship could have been saved. While I am in the camp that believes just about any marriage can be salvaged, hearing someone justify an affair should lead us to examine what happened in the communication breakdown of this relationship and how we can keep something similar from happening in our own lives.

If, as Hunter says, Edwards’ marriage was over before she stepped on the scene, why had this deterioration not been discussed by the married couple? Of course it’s not as simple as that – talking about tough topics is, well, tough! But I believe that when you commit to a relationship you commit to a level of honesty and integrity out of respect for the other person, no matter what life throws your way. Here are some tools I discuss in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up, and use with my patients to help them in their pursuit of building (or rebuilding) a healthy relationship.

How To Save Your Marriage

• Learn how to fight fair: It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground.

• “Smart-heart”-to-heart: I encourage having a weekly ten minute open discussion with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.

• Be aware of your Biochemical Craving for Connection: we all need to connect in a deep and meaningful way with our partners. But some people have exaggerated feelings of stress, separation and loss that cause them to seek out illicit behavior in order to fill this craving. If you’re in this situation, you can avoid a lot of heartache by identifying it and dealing with it early on.

• Know your Imago: When looking to fulfill your “imago” when it comes to a mate, subconsciously, you’re looking for someone that will “fill in the holes” left by your experience growing up and your parents – or to adults who were formative in your childhood – and you’ll be attracted to these traits right away on a subconscious level. Ideas that you’re carrying around from your parents and from your childhood WILL affect your relationship. Don’t forget, however, that you have control over HOW they affect it.

Q&A: Relationship Trouble – Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

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Relationship problems can come in a variety of forms, and they differ greatly from relationship to relationship. Some relationship troubles can be worked out, but other, more serious issues can pave the way to a breakup. How do you know if your relationship problems can be fixed or if you just need to walk away?

Question: Hi Dan and Jenn. I need help with my relationship. I have a big problem with my boyfriend. We’ve been together over a year now and the problem we have is getting worse. I’ve told him how I feel and how much what he does hurts me and makes me feel insignificant, and when he says he’ll stop it, he does it again and again. The three main problems are:
1. He doesn’t talk or text for long periods of time because he’s too busy playing computer games.
2. He regularly shouts over top of me or interrupts me when I’m speaking, whether it’s a serious situation or not. I can be crying my eyes out talking to him and he will still do it.
3. Finally, he sometimes shouts at me, and not just raising his voice, he really shouts loudly, my parents worry about it and ask if I’m okay, and it honestly does frighten me sometimes.

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mLcFPKR8Ec[/youtube]

He Won’t Change

If you’ve talked to your partner about the behavior that bothers you, especially if you’ve mentioned it more than once and communicated to him clearly how you feel, and he refuses to change, it’s time to consider the fact that he probably won’t ever change. You can’t force someone to change their behavior, you can only talk to them about how it affects you and hope that they see how much better the relationship can be if they change their ways. If he won’t change, the only thing you can do is change yourself. You can change how you react to his behavior, but stop and think before you do. Do you want to be ignoring his behavior forever?

Respect Yourself

An abusive relationship isn’t always one where one partner physically hits another. A lot of abuse is verbal and emotional. If you stay in an abusive relationship – no matter what kind of abuse you’re living with – you’re doing yourself a disservice and disrespecting yourself. Many times, if your partner can’t or won’t change his ways, you’ve got to take a stand for yourself. If he won’t respect you, you have to respect you – or who will? Don’t rely on other people to treat you with respect. Treat yourself with respect and don’t stand for any kind of abuse, be it physical, sexual or verbal and emotional.

You Deserve A Happy Relationship

No matter what you think or what your partner may tell you, you absolutely deserve a relationship that makes you happy. If you aren’t happy with who you’re with now, it’s time to find someone you are happy with. Life is too short and your time is too precious to spend it being unhappy with someone who refuses to respect you and be respectful to you. While no man can “make” you happy, you don’t have to be miserable with someone who treats you poorly. If your current relationship isn’t giving you what you want, it’s time to walk away. Take some time and think about what you do want in a relationship and start looking for that.