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I Could Have Told You So!

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By the time this is published, I’ll be out of the woods. You see, my husband and I are in the middle of a situation created by the differences between the sexes, and my goal is to refrain from making this particular difference an issue. I so want to point out an oversight he’s made! But that is exactly what would make this particular difference an issue. So, I figured I’d write about it instead.

So here’s what’s going on. To set this up, I need to tell you that my husband and I work together from home. We have separate offices and actually spend a lot of time apart but are mostly just a few steps away from each other. With our lifestyle we get a lot of quality time together. It also means that we like to go out for lunch regularly in order to connect as a couple, rather than as business partners.

Beginning the day after tomorrow, we have commitments that will require a four-day separation. It means that tomorrow is our last day to have lunch together before we go four days hardly seeing each other. I was looking forward to having him to myself tomorrow at lunch. I was also looking forward to lunch with him my first day back.

With two phone calls this afternoon, he arranged for us to have lunch with his son tomorrow and he arranged to have lunch with a friend on my first day back. You’re probably saying, “What is the big deal?” Well, it isn’t a big deal. But it became an opportunity for me to NOT give him a hard time about not seeing the big picture.

The Difference Between Men And Women

That’s the difference between the sexes that we are caught in at the moment. As a woman, I see the big picture and I’ve been making plans around the big picture for weeks! As a man, he is very focused and efficient. The difference means he is missing the opportunity for two separate romantic encounters – the “good-bye” lunch and the “I’m home” lunch.

So, I made the decision that without bitterness, pettiness, or hurt feelings I would leave this alone. I would not point out to him the “mistake” he made. Nor, on the other end of it, when he’s hurting as much as I am that he added more separateness to a time of separation, will I point out to him that he made a “mistake.” To be perfectly clear, I twice put the word mistake in quotes because no mistake has been made. There is absolutely no value distinction between seeing the big picture verses being focused and efficient. Rather, it’s a difference in perspective that can sometimes be beneficial and other times drive a couple crazy – that’s all.

With the exception of the relief that writing this article gives me, I choose to let it go. I can promise you that the marital bliss will be great and far superior to the short lived thrill of being able to say, “I could have told you so.”

Embrace The Difference Between The Sexes

Let me share with you those rewards. If I keep my cool and refuse to let this situation hurt my feelings, I will experience his missing me, which is flattering. I will experience his longing for me, which is also flattering but, more importantly, his longing for me will deepen my yearning for him. When we finally have the time to be alone, conversation will be deep and meaningful as we share our experiences born of the recent separation and our lovemaking will be fun and especially satisfying!

Do you see? There is so much more satisfaction awaiting me by allowing, even embracing, this particular expression of the differences between the sexes. Your relationship is a daily laboratory for growing more love when you take potential problems and turn them into opportunities instead.

Next time you find yourself caught in the battle of the sexes, try slowing down to find the opportunity in it. The pay off could be delightful!

The Hidden Stakes In Your Relationship’s Heart

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What are the most common reasons a relationship ends? Infidelity, loss of interest, incompatibility, or lack of communication. Wow, those are all pretty big indicators that something is wrong within a relationship. However, what about those small things people never think twice about, the minor happenings you may not even notice seeping in? Here are some problems which could actually be killing your relationship from the inside out.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

“I am only telling you this because I love you.” Ah, the words of friends and family. Sometimes they have the best intentions. They may see something in your partner to which you have turned a blind eye. But sometimes, they just can’t see past their own opinions—such views that may have nothing to do with your partner at all. So what if your family thinks he is pompous or your friends think she is ditzy? This input has a way of crawling into your mind, taking hold, and poisoning a relationship. There are times when you need to listen to those you love (such as when they are worried for your safety, money, job, or other factors which do not involve “but you’re too good for him/her!”) and there are times when you need to tell them to butt out. Keep in mind, however, if it is not just one or two people but your whole clan warning you away…you may want to pay a little attention.

Video Game Break Up Box

“Just another minute, I’m close to beating this level!” Archaeologists will someday look back on our generation and refer to the computer or Wii as the Break-up Box. “Many people of long ago (particularly the males) used to get so absorbed within the workings of this strange device that it would drive away the partner and sever the relationship altogether. Fascinating!” they will ruminate. It is no surprise that, when doing a Google search of “World of Warcraft” and “divorce,” there are nearly a million hits. A person can become so engaged with a game that he or she will lose focus of what is really important. Don’t be that guy.

Getting Too Comfortable

“Can we please go out or something?” One of the best parts of being in a relationship is feeling so comfortable with another person that you do not have to get dressed up, you do not have to entertain them at all times, you can just…be…you. Yet this is one of the biggest traps into which a couple can fall. A person can become so comfortable in his or her relationship that they stop caring about their appearances, take their partner for granted, and may even become an outright bore. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the girl/boyfriend to want to remain in that relationship. It is not just possible, but likely, if you are not careful. While you can certainly allow comfort into the relationship, don’t let it become the entire relationship.

How To Handle An Adult Mama’s Boy

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The most important thing you need to know about mama’s boys is that most of them are not attached to their mother’s apron strings!

You see, mama’s boys are not that way because their mothers smothered them. Men grow up to be mama’s boys because they missed out on an invitation from their fathers to enter the father’s sphere of influence in their teenage years. Now, having missed that invitation, the relationship with the mother is quite complex. Some do make mom the most important woman in their lives. Others grew up power struggling with their moms, turning into macho men and even bullies as a result of their confusion over their role in their mother’s and their father’s lives. How a man relates to both parents directly affects his relationship with his woman.

Another type of mama’s boy looks like the perfect man who is capable of being there for his wife and children. Except that he tends to smother his wife and kids! Even another type comes across as an insecure teenager, even when he’s in his forties or fifties, needing his woman to reaffirm his masculinity at every turn.

So, how do you handle an adult mama’s boy, no matter which type you are in a relationship with? Here are nine action steps that can make a difference.

9 Steps For Dealing With An Adult Mama’s Boy

1. Refrain from acting like his mother. This means treating him like a grown man who can take care of the details of his life without you intruding there. This is probably the most important piece of advice. It is also the one you can do the most with because it has to do with controlling your own behavior in order to create positive change outside yourself.

2. Stay out of the middle between him and either parent. Mama’s boys attract women who are willing to go to bat for them, let him handle those relationships.

3. Call forth his masculine greatness. When he takes action meant to provide for you, protect you, impress you, or turn you on – acknowledge it glowingly!

4. Don’t nag. Learn how to express your needs and desires as you would with a peer. Nagging demeans both the giver and receiver. And it aggravates the mama’s boy quality that aggravates you!

5. Recognize that you are part of the problem. He was attracted to you in the first place because of your “mothering” energy. Even if you think you are the opposite of his mother, does he hope you will “mother” him the way she never could?

6. Expect him to be your equal, your lover, your man. The expectation will determine your own behavior as well as call forth the best in him.

7. If he speaks to you in a needy tone, respond as if he didn’t. Don’t feed the little boy energy. Don’t respond in a tone that corrects his neediness. Simply respond neutrally or with a positive tone that ignores his implied need.

8. Remember that there are times when each of you needs to be able to be the weaker one in the relationship, depending on the other to be the strong shoulder. This isn’t about the mama’s boy struggle, it’s about depending on each other.

9. Remember, too, that for adults, sex is play. It’s where we get to revisit the childhood joy of just full out enjoying ourselves. As long as it isn’t a turn off, let each other’s inner child come out to play some when it comes to sex.

Understanding Mama’s Boys

Sitting down a mama’s boy to have a discussion about his personality and how it doesn’t work for you is the most ineffective way of handling the situation. It puts you in the role of mama to his little boy who just can’t get it quite right.

As a mama’s boy, his patterns of behavior and speech are not only deeply ingrained, he got stuck there as a kid because he loved his parents and tried to be who they needed him to be. No one realized they were messing with his future romantic happiness. He doesn’t need to be treated like a victim! He needs to be treated like a man.

I said the most important piece of advice was to refrain from acting like his mother. The second most important piece of advice is that you are a part of the problem. He was attracted to you for a reason. The loving and nurturing energy you carry is delightful for everyone, dangerous for the two of you. However, this is good news because you can do something about it without overtly trying to control or dominate him.

Pay attention to the variety of ways you pour mothering energy over him and determine which expressions of that are healthy and which get you into trouble. Then stop the ones that get you into trouble! For instance, if around the house he has a habit of calling out to you when he wants you; with you leaving whatever it is you’re doing to go to him to find out what he wants, stop it! Little boys can’t be bothered to get up and go find mom, they call her to them. A pleasant, “I can’t hear you!” hollered back at him will result in his getting up to find you.

Or if he wants you to get him a beer, try a pleasant, “I’m not coming that way anytime soon.” The assumption you make is that he is a grown man who can take care of himself. It reduces the power struggles that aggravate the mama’s boy stuff and makes your life together sweeter.

I’ve seen too much advice out there telling you to dump him. These guys are too large in number and their hearts are too big to give up on. Give these nine actions steps a chance – you’re both worth it!

Q&A: How Can I Get Him To Stop Watching Porn?

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Most men watch porn. Unfortunately, a lot of women want to stop their partner from watching porn. These women want their man to look only at them, and think that only they are hot or sexy. Is this a realistic outlook for how a man should behave in a relationship? Or should women relax a little bit and let a man be himself?

Question: What can I do to get my boyfriend to stop looking at porn and not say that other girls are cute/hot/sexy in front of me? I know he’d probably still say it in front of his friends but I don’t like him saying it around me.

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXg-c7Clfhs[/youtube]

Men Are Visual Creatures

Men are hardwired to be turned on by visual stimulation. Unlike women, most men can’t read a book to help them get turned on. Instead, most men watch some form of pornography to help them get turned on sexually. Every man likes something different when it comes to porn, whether it’s soft nudity or something a little more hardcore. There’s nothing wrong with a man watching porn to get turned on – it’s completely natural. Unless he’s watching porn and masturbating all the time instead of having sex with you, it’s perfectly normal. He doesn’t qualify for having a porn addiction unless watching porn is something that interrupts or takes over his daily life.

Other Women Can Be Pretty

When you started dating your partner, every other girl in the world didn’t magically get ugly. Forcing him to only look at you and think you are pretty is unreasonable and controlling. It will make your partner feel as though he can’t be honest with you or be himself around you, and it can wreak havoc on your relationship. Let him look at other women, and if he makes a comment about them, so be it. As long as he’s not being derogatory and making comments about how you should look like that, there’s no harm done. Learn to have enough self confidence to know that he thinks you’re sexy and hot too – and his favorite.

Lose The Jealousy Issues

If you find yourself wanting to force your man to stop watching porn or stop glancing at other women around you, it’s time to lose the jealousy issues. It’s normal for a man to watch porn and to notice pretty women around him. What isn’t normal is having such a low self esteem that you feel the need to control your partner so that he only looks at you. Realize that your partner chose to be with you and he makes that choice again every day as he continues to be with you and have a relationship with you. That runs so much deeper than simply thinking another girl is hot or pretty, or being turned on by nakedness. Who isn’t intrigued by nudity? We’re human and it’s part of us. Talk to a counselor – they can help you build your self esteem and learn to love yourself whether your partner looks at porn and other women or not. If you don’t lose the jealousy issues, you might very well lose your man.

How To Get His Mom To Like You

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There is something sacred about the bond between a mother and her son. She becomes fiercely protective when another woman swoops in and threatens to steal him away. Suddenly, scenarios flash through her mind: he stops calling her, he moves away, he ruins his whole life just to be with this girl. All of the mother’s hard work in raising a good kid, down the drain. Help ease her mind (and make her love you) with these tips.

Show Her How Much You Care About Her Son

If there is any one way to make his mother like you, it is this. Deep down, all she really wants is for him to be with someone who will love him and appreciate him like she does. Just saying, “Gosh, I really care about your son” won’t be enough. You need to show her by holding his hand, smiling at him, laughing with and complimenting him. Even when he’s not around, brag about him to her. Yet this shouldn’t be purely show for her benefit. These are things you should genuinely be doing anyways because, well, you do care for him.

Never, Never, Never Make Her Choose Sides

Your arguments do not and should not involve her. You should never call her after a fight or try to get sympathy from her. Not only will she always choose her son over you, but this will be the fastest way to make her dislike you.

Get To Know Her

She is not just a mother. There are many more aspects to her personality and her being. Talk to her about her hobbies, her job, her other kids, what she does in her spare time. If your relationship becomes more permanent, you will be around her a lot. Getting to know her early on will create more of a familial bond which can be very rewarding in the future. If possible, spend some alone-time with her, over lunch or while doing a fun activity together.

Compliment Her

Yeah, you may want to suck up a bit. Tell her you like the pretty scarf she’s wearing. Comment on the beautiful new dining room table. Relay some of the nice things your boyfriend has told you about her. Go for the golden compliment and tell her what a great job she did in raising her son. Even if she sees right through your plan, she will appreciate that you want her to like you.

Involve Your Boyfriend

This is probably the sneakiest and least heartfelt ways of getting her to like you, but if all else is failing, have your boyfriend talk you up. Next time he calls her or visits her without you around, ask him (or bribe him) to tell his mom some of the reasons why he likes you. If she sees her son is happy, she will be more likely to give you a chance.

Be Yourself

There’s a reason your boyfriend loves you, right? Heck, there are probably lots of reasons. Don’t get down on yourself, trying to impress his mom. Chances are, she’ll see why her son is crazy about you, without you even putting forth a special effort.