Relationship Advice

Arguing And Fighting: How Can You Fix Someone Else?

Arguing and fighting – it’s part of every relationship, right? What happens when the arguing and fighting begins to be too much? What do you do when arguing and fighting seems to be all you and your partner are doing, instead of enjoying your relationship? How do you figure out whose fault it is? If it’s your partners’ fault, how do you fix them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,
My girlfriend and I fight all the time and she’s always twisting things around to her side, keeping score, and she doesn’t seem to trust me. There are also several other issues that we need to resolve. Any advice on how to fix her and this relationship?
–Jacob, WA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ614jyQLEc&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Wake Up Call – It’s No One’s Fault And You Can’t Fix Other People

There’s the classic saying, “it takes two to tango” and it is especially appropriate for this topic. It takes two to argue and fight – it’s generally not just one person’s fault! The first step to beginning to ease the arguing is to stop placing blame and start looking within yourself instead of just pointing fingers at the other person. If you have to, sit down and really think about how you contribute to arguments as well as what your partner contributes – you’ll likely find that it’s an even divide between the two. Even if your partner does have some issues with arguing and fighting, you can’t “fix” someone else. You can only change yourself.

Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

Not at all! Men and women are definitely on different wavelengths – you know, the Mars and Venus thing. While a man may be “proving his point” logically, that probably won’t make any sense at all to a woman, because for a woman, the way she feels governs pretty much everything. Even if you are logically “right” (which is usually never the situation anyways), your female partner won’t see it that way because she still feels hurt, upset, frustrated, angry, etc., etc. How do you get past this particular hurdle in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, try to see things from her point of view. How would something you did or said make you feel? Yes, it’s time to get in touch with your emotions. It’s hard for a man, but try letting your emotions rule you for a day or so and you’ll feel what it’s like to be a woman. Similarly, your partner can do an exercise in trying to see things logically for a day or two – trying to forget about the emotional aspect of it and thinking more realistically. When you understand how men and women are different in that department, you’ll probably stop arguing destructively and fighting more constructively – you might even reach a resolution!

Do You Need Counseling?

Sometimes, a couple’s fighting and arguing habits have become so ingrained in them that it’s exceptionally difficult for each partner to step outside their “box” and see the situation from the other’s perspective. Counseling from an unbiased third party can really help with this. Don’t be ashamed from seeking counseling, or even reading books about the differences in men and women and how to argue constructively. If you truly care about your partner and about the relationship – and if your partner truly cares about you and the relationship – you’ll both be accepting and willing to take the steps you need to take to make your relationship healthy and happy again.

Sexless Marriage? Here’s What To Do

By melody

Something like 40% off all marriages are, self reported as “sexless“. I read today about a book, Bettina Arndt’s The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. This book has really gotten people up in arms. Men are thinking their wives should just do it because its good for the marriage, and women are thinking Arndt is a throwback to the 50’s. But of course, none of them have read her book!

Now, mind you, I have not read the book either. BUT I agree with what I’ve seen so far. of her book. Her book is a compilation of “diaries” she collected from 98 men and women talking about their sex lives. In the excerpt I read, she concludes with a lot of empathy toward the men who poured their hearts out to her.

Sexless Marriages – Are They Inevitable?

The reality is that most men do have a biologically higher sex drive than most women. This leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on the men’s part. Women yell and scream that sex is a “want” and not a “need” and why should they “give in”? Obviously some things are amiss here!

Women, too, want sex more and more than in the past. It was only a few months ago when I was at a party where five women out of the five couples in attendance were unhappy with the amount of sex they are getting. These are cute, smart, personable women whose husband’s would rather be on the internet or watch TV than have sex with them.

Staying Connected Is The Key

Clearly there are some serious problems with couples knowing how to stay connected emotionally and sexually. Women tend to be more aware of their emotional needs and men tend to be more aware of their sexual needs. This does not mean, I don’t believe, that men and women are set up for failure. But both parties have to be willing to respect and have empathy for each other’s needs. To do this, it requires getting out of the blame game and seeing the other as the bad guy.

Men, you really do have to learn how to be emotionally and affectionately attentive to your wife if you expect to get laid. Women, you really do have to be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone sexually in order to have the kind of connection you want with your partner. And, if either one finds sex is not fun, then they MUST take responsibility for making sure that changes.

You do that by respecting each other enough to speak your truths and not faking orgasms. The biggest drain on sexual communication and satisfaction is faking it. How in the world is your lover ever going to know what you want if you pretend you like something you don’t?

Learn to get great sex by being open with your truths. You want your man to share with you emotionally???? Then don’t be a coward about being open sexually about what pleases you and what doesn’t. We have this double standard where we expect men to be open with us emotionally, yet we will lie to them about our sexual satisfaction. That is a sure fire way to kill a sex life.

Long Distance Relationship – What Do I Do?

By loveandsex

Long distance relationships can be tough – especially if you’ve been together for awhile but have recently become long distance. What do you do when you have to choose between your current life or giving it all up to be with your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I moved in with my boyfriend but missed my parents sooo much that I moved out to be closer to them. I hoped my boyfriend would join me, but it’s been 8 months and he’s still not here! I’m not sure what to do. Should I stay close to my parents or move back with my boyfriend?

–Jessica, NY

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_WKKTeD-nk&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Cut The Cord

If your parents are playing a part in your long distance relationship – meaning, you haven’t moved to be with your partner because you’re afraid your parents might disapprove – it’s time to cut the cord. It’s important to separate what you want from what your parents want and decide what’s best for you – not what’s best for your parents. Take some time to really consider what you want out of your relationship and what you’re willing to do for it, aside from what your parents think or don’t think. It’s essential that you make this big life decision without their influence – it’s your life, remember?

Why Won’t They Move To Be With Me?

You might be questioning why your partner hasn’t moved to be with you or isn’t planning to – they may be content with the long distance relationship as is, or they may not be ready to move and leave their job and their current life. They also may be wanting to avoid letting you have the “power” when it comes to who will relocate to be with the other, or they may not want to be as involved with your parents. It’s important to sit down and discuss these issues with your partner, because if you don’t, nothing will get solved! If you’ve bought a house, or have secured a great career, it’s important to let your partner know about these things so they can decide how that weighs in with their job and their current living situation. Talk to your partner and go through several “mock” scenarios, talking about what would happen if you moved, or what would happen if they moved. You’re more likely to find a compromise if you and your partner talk things out together rather than just waiting for the other to start getting ready to move.

What Do You Want?

In the end, this situation is about what you want. It’s important to really think about your relationship and what you want out of it, as well as what you want out of life. Does your relationship satisfy you? Do you love the person you’re with? Or are you not sure whether this relationship is worth moving for? Ask yourself these questions to dig deep and really find out what you want, instead of letting it all slide by until you are forced to deal with the situation after it’s already become exacerbated.

If you’re really stuck trying to make a decision, talk to a therapist or someone else outside of the situation that can offer good, unbiased advice. Meanwhile, stay close to your partner through phone calls, emails, web chatting and web cams. If you’re planning on being with your partner eventually – regardless of who moves – it’s important to nurture your relationship and give and receive love in the meantime!

Break Up Confusion – Does She Really Want To Break Up With Me?

By paulcarlson

Mixed messages that people can give each other are frustrating and can really hurt a relationship. Your partner may be telling you they don’t deserve you, while still having a relationship with you, or may be sending you mixed signals in some other way. How do you read passed the mixed messages to find the truth at the heart of the matter?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend of two months keeps telling me that I can do better than her, that she doesn’t deserve me, etc. She has a two year old daughter and is going through a nasty divorce… I decided to pursue a relationship with her in spite of her current situation. But now I concerned. Deep down, does she really want to break up with me – and just wants me to do the dirty work? What’s up with all the mixed signals? Why does she keep saying these things?

–David, Rhode Island

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIX2LSetpYs&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Does She Want To Break Up?

Your partner may be sending you mixed messages because they want to break up with you, but it is more likely that your partner is sending you mixed signals because they themselves aren’t sure if they want to break up with you or not. This is actually a very common thing that women do – they often project what they can’t figure out on their own to others. Your partner may also be testing the waters. Is she saying that she doesn’t deserve you or you can do better than her? She might just want to see how you react to those words and whether you agree with her or not. These types of mixed messages are indeed frustrating, but there’s always something at the root of the problem.

Does She Have Some Past Emotional Problems?

In this particular case, a woman that says to her partner that they can “do better” or similar things, might be suffering from some deep down emotional issues that need to be talked out with a therapist. Is this type of self-destructive talk something that has been ingrained in her since childhood, or has she had a recent traumatic break up or divorce, or even perhaps a job loss? These types of situations can seriously wreak havoc on a woman’s emotional self esteem and she may really be feeling that she doesn’t deserve you or that you can, in fact, do better. If you feel that this might truly be the root of the problem, talk to your partner (gently) about possibly getting some counseling.

Is She Stringing You Along?

Your partner may also be stringing you along, goading you until you do the dirty work and break up with her instead of her having to do it herself. This is dirty – you definitely don’t want to be a part of that! Confront your partner in a non-judgmental way and ask them what’s going on that makes them think and feel this way about you. Open communication is the best way to figure out what is really going on. If she’s stringing you along, let her do the breaking up, especially if it’s obvious that that’s what she wants. Don’t forget though, if this is a situation that you don’t feel is healthy for you or you are uncomfortable with, you have the power to walk away.

Although mixed messages can really do some damage to your relationship, with open communication you can either work through them or realize that this wasn’t the right relationship for you – or your partner. Don’t be afraid to be honest without arguing or being critical of your partner. Just talk it out and see where it goes.

Is It Worth It? Her Mother Is Ruining Our Relationship!

By loveandsex

In-laws can be tough to deal with – just ask anyone who has in-laws! But what happens when one of your in-laws crosses the line and starts taking over your life? Your relationship with your partner is dwindling and your daily life is being affected because of it – how can you confront this situation without hurting your partner or causing more of a problem than there was to begin with?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My relationship is like a car going 200 MPH backwards! Her mother is taking over our relationship to the point where I work late just so that I don’t have to go home… Nothing I say or do seems to matter. When it comes to sex, I’m not even going to go there… The only reason I stay is for my daughter. What’s the best way to handle this mess and get my sanity back?

–Jason, Wisconsin

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqN7I-62iLY&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

When The In-Laws Start Stepping In

Whether your in-laws have been in the picture the whole time or are just now starting to come around, your relationship with your partner can seriously suffer if your in-laws start taking over your life. Whether they’re constantly at your house with their grandchildren, or insisting you and your partner do things their way, having an in-law that is too close for comfort is never a healthy or happy situation to be in. What do you do?

Evaluating Your Reactions

The first thing you need to do is sit down and really think about how you feel about the situation. Write it down if you have to, but you can’t confront it if you don’t know exactly what is triggering your feelings of discomfort. Are you working long hours just to get away from your in-laws? Is there something in particular that they do that bothers you, or are they simply too involved in you and your partner’s life? If it’s overwhelming you and you’re unable to have a good relationship with your partner because of your in-laws’ involvement in your life, it’s time to really dig deep and evaluate why you’re upset and exactly what you’d like to see change.

Confronting The Situation

When you get ready to confront the situation, don’t do so without your partner by your side. This isn’t just “your” problem – it’s your partner’s problem too. Your in-laws’ involvement in your life is affecting your relationship with your partner, as well as your entire family. You need to address this situation as a “we.” Talk to your partner openly and honestly about how you feel about the situation and avoid being condescending, negative or petty. You certainly don’t want to make this an ultimatum or not – it’s not about your partner having to “choose” you over your in-laws or vice versa.

Once you’ve spoken to your partner about your feelings and you’re ready to confront the situation with your in laws’ as a couple, sit down and have an honest heart to heart talk. Again, avoid being negative or petty, as this can cause more harm than good. The idea is to just get your feelings out there and let your in-laws know that they’re overstepping their boundaries. Suggest that they watch their grandchildren for a weekend while you and your partner get away, or something similarly constructive. Plan family dinners together and stick to those plans – stay away from unannounced visits and so on. If your in-laws just don’t want to step out? Talk to your partner and consider moving. It doesn’t have to be far, but a little bit of physical space in between your family and your in-laws might be exactly what you need to get through to them.