I recently overheard a man talk about how often the arguments with his wife have to do with her apparent need to be right. It seems she is always correcting what he says and how he does things. And if he is “caught” having been wrong when she was right, she has to make sure he knows she was right. He seemed helpless to know what to do.

Catching his conversation, I thought, “What a neat topic to tackle for an article at AskDanandJennifer.com!” Clearly, I followed through on the impulse. However, I must admit that what I felt on the heels of my great idea was guilt and shame because I do this very thing to my husband. I don’t do it all the time but I do my fair share of 1) having to be right, 2) correcting him when I think he’s wrong, and 3) making sure he’s aware when I was right about something and he either should have listened to me or isn’t he glad he did!

How To Stop Needing To Be Right

So, I determined to write an article about it because I actually have advice for how a woman can stop needing to be right! Then, I ran across this quote today from Albert Camus, “The need to be right – the sign of a vulgar mind.” Heaven knows I do not want to have a “vulgar” mind and the coincidence of the quote coming at this particular time must mean this article was meant to be written!

Before I reveal the secret to no longer having to be right, let’s talk about how the need to be right is hell on a relationship. Even some men have the need to be right and it doesn’t work for them either! Whatever the motivation is for needing to be right, whether it’s a control thing or arrogance born of insecurity, letting the person who needs to be right continue the habit in order to satisfy their need isn’t the answer. Satisfying their need doesn’t work because that need isn’t healthy.

When people choose being right over any relationship, they set themselves up to experience shame and loneliness. People don’t like being around those who need to be right. Always being corrected starts out a shaming experience but ultimately just becomes boring. People who need to be right all the time are satisfying a need at the expense of the relationship and so they are not being real. Eventually, the person with whom you always have to be right doesn’t look forward to your coming around. They do not want to be with you any longer.

Having to be right sets up the couple for feeling more shame than is necessary in life! The one who is corrected feels shame for obvious reasons. However, the one who has to be right also feels shame because he or she knows the satisfaction that comes with being right is shallow and not really worth it.

The Secret

So, what is the secret to no longer having to be right? People suggest that you simply choose the relationship over being right and it will be all right. I say that is an excellent philosophy that isn’t easily accomplished in real life if you have a need to be right. Remember, I come from having experience with this issue!

My secret is more practical but will get you to the place where you can truly live choosing the relationship over being right. The secret is to treat it like a bad habit. That is all it is, really. Any time we routinely manipulate someone to satisfy a need that cannot be satisfied we are just gratifying a bad habit.

Treating the need to be right as a bad habit means that I try to catch myself before I do it. In the beginning, of course, it isn’t always possible. Sometimes, though, you can swallow your words in the middle of voicing how right you are and even disappear, if you have to, in order to deal with the discomfort of stopping yourself. That’s how it is in the beginning of stopping any bad habit. Sometimes, the best you can do is to catch yourself in the middle of it and just stop!

Eventually, though, you will find that you can stop before you speak and just not say the words that indicate the other person is wrong or needs to be corrected. If you have to, leave the room until the driving desire to open your mouth and make sure he knows you are right dissipates! It will get easier in time.

You can even develop a new habit to replace this one. You can practice being supportive, allowing, and compassionate. Just because someone does something differently than you do doesn’t mean he or she is wrong! And if how it gets done is less than ideal, you are dealing with an adult. That person can handle whatever he needs to handle to get it done.

Breaking this habit is an excellent pursuit. The amount of shame, fear, and even loathing that goes away with the habit is a worthy pay off for the effort!

If you are in a relationship with a daddy’s girl or if you are a daddy’s girl, you probably are already aware that this quality of “daddy’s girl” affects your relationship.

Different Kinds Of Daddy’s Girls

Traditionally, we think of daddy’s girls as being the women who were tom boys when they were young who have grown up to be successful in their jobs and careers. These women get things done. These daddy’s girls can be intimidating, which isn’t usually a positive trait in a relationship.

There are daddy’s girls who are submissive, almost servants to their husbands and children. They are at risk of being taken for granted by those they love best. Do you know what the number one result is of being submissive and long suffering? Resentment! This too isn’t a positive trait when it comes to relationships!

Another kind of daddy’s girl is the one who is still emotionally tied to her father. She cannot make a decision without his approval and she agrees with him that no man is good enough for his little girl! Because she compares every man she loves to her father, she never really gets to know the man who loves her back.

Can A Daddy’s Girl Love Herself?

I once read that a woman who is in touch with their femininity loves herself even more than she loves her man! This writer said the job of falling in love is up to the man because that has to do with masculine energy. A feminine woman is already in love with herself. The argument put forth made sense, so I won’t try to spell it out here. It had a lot to do with that singular quality that I argue is the sexiest quality of either a man or a woman and that is “confidence!” A woman in love with herself has confidence that radiates from her, making her attractive as well as interesting, mysterious, and lovable.

I bring up the woman who is in touch with her femininity because there is a type of daddy’s girl who masquerades as this woman. Daddy’s girls do not truly love themselves. Like all daddies’ girls, the ultra-feminine type searches outside herself for fulfillment. What starts out looking like the ideal woman who is happy to take care of all your needs eventually becomes needy and a drain.

I have to tell you, though, that the world is full of daddy’s girls. So, I suggest that instead of trying to avoid them, you learn how to love them. Here’s how.

Loving A Daddy’s Girl

The daddy’s girl modus operandi is to find fulfillment by taking care of her man. Again, you may ask, “Where’s the problem?” However, if you are a daddy’s girl or if you have lived with one, you already know what the problem is. When a woman looks outside herself for fulfillment, she can never be satisfied. For daddy’s girls, when she is looking for fulfillment through taking care of her man, resentment and disappointment invariably become a part of the relationship.

If you are a daddy’s girl, begin to practice not taking care of your man in all the ways you do it where you treat him like a little boy. Now, grown men need tender loving care too, but there is a huge difference between taking care of a man in ways men respond positively to and taking care of a man as if he is a boy who still needs a mama.

For instance, if he has agreed that something is his responsibility, do not take it over just because he isn’t handling it when and how you would. Leave it alone. Leave it for him to manage on his own time and in his own way.

Similarly, if he is disrespected out there in the world, don’t “poor baby” him. Listen to him, if he wants to process it. Pay attention to him for clues as to what he needs from you. But do not coo sympathetically over him as though he is a little boy (or little girl) who needs your sympathy, because he doesn’t. He needs your respect. Grown men do not soothe one another’s hurts the way women do. Women are wise to reach deep inside to show him extra respect rather than sympathy when life is hard on him.

Daddy’s Girls Can Find Fulfillment Within Themselves!

If you are a daddy’s girl, these kinds of small changes will stretch you. They will also free you when you know down to your bones that you are a beautiful grown woman in love with a handsome grown man and you can relate to each other as such! You will also gain more time on your hands to learn how to dig down deep to find fulfillment inside yourself.

If you love a daddy’s girl, your challenge is to let her know that you do not have to be treated like either a little boy or a father-figure in order for her to secure your love. There is a lot of pushing and pulling when you are with a daddy’s girl. She not only wants to take care of you, she has a belief that may be hidden from her consciousness that she will only find fulfillment in taking care of you. Add to this the confusion that taking care of you can look like anything from bullying you to complete submission from her!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep turning her attention back on herself. Encourage her to leave you alone in those situations where she thinks she is taking care of you but it isn’t working for you. Reassure her that you love her and that you will not disappear if she takes on the luxury of finding her fulfillment from within rather than by trying to take care of you.

Daddy’s girls get things done and that can be an excellent quality. When they learn the work of finding fulfillment from within, everyone benefits from their satisfaction and growing self love!

Power struggles erupt in relationships for any of a number of reasons. It could be the clash that often happens when two people attempt to co-mingle their lives. It could happen because one person feels threatened by a decision the other has made. And – especially in economic times like we’re facing now – it could happen over money.

One of the most important things for a couple that is in a power struggle, is to learn to fight fair. This is especially crucial now, as it’s likely that more and more couples ARE fighting about money, and these arguments are likely to become more and more heated. Fighting fair does NOT mean avoiding conflict in favor of polite discussion. Conflicts are inevitable and it is the way that couples work through them that influences how they relate to each other emotionally. That’s why I’ve set forth several rules for fighting fair:

How To Fight Fair

1. Ask permission. Make sure that now is a good time to talk about that crucial issue. If not, make an appointment to do so.

2. Reschedule if necessary. If it’s not a good time – or if your partner is likely to stonewall to avoid conflict – get them to commit to a time within 24 hours that you CAN talk about the topic at hand.

3. Put time limits on the fight. If the topic becomes too sensitive, allow for either person to take a “time out.”

4. Don’t ignore. Even while you’re fighting, maintain eye contact, acknowledge what they’re saying, let them finish their thoughts, and listen to them. Get rid of distractions.

5. Use “I” sentences. Don’t blame, criticize or be negative. Bring it back around and take responsibility for your actions and thoughts.

6. Echo what you hear and validate feelings. It can be easy to get angry over the course of the fight to the point that you don’t want to communicate. But it’s important that your partner know their feelings are important to you, even if you disagree. Repeat what they’re saying to make sure you understand, and do so with out “editorializing” or adding your own spin.

7. Empathize. Saying things like, “that makes sense,” or, “ I can see how you feel that way,” go a long way toward diffusing a heated argument. You may still have a long way to go to come to a decision or compromise but if you each know the other person understands where you’re coming from, it’ll make the road that much easier.

8. Be honest, but don’t be hurtful. Go beyond your comfort zone to express how you are feeling and what you’re worried about, but choose your words carefully!

9. Detach from your emotions. I mean this in a positive way! When you argue, practice listening to the content, but not giving in to a knee-jerk emotional response.

10. Before, during, and after a fight, practice attachment skills. Touch your partner when making a point. Reconnect by holding hands or hugging after you’ve reached a compromise. Maintaining positive touch throughout this process can reframe the argument and the issue.