First it’s important for the woman to understand that it is a law of nature that men look.

It’s just a fact we have to live with, however, when you understand that it’s usually the result of biological instinct and not an emotional pull then you can relax because it isn’t really a threat to you.  Men are visually stimulated and they become aroused by what they see.

He can’t help it. It’s the way nature created them in order to ensure survival of the species.

Why Women Don’t Get It

This is hard for women to understand, because we don’t operate that way. We too, are attracted to physical features, but we’re more stimulated by what’s going on inside our heads and hearts.

For us, the physical and the emotional are intricately connected and we’re usually emotionally stimulated before physically stimulated.  Yes, we may enjoy savoring the beauty of someone like Johnny Depp or Ryan Gosling from time to time, but we’re typically not sexually excited by every attractive man that crosses our path.

No Need to Worry. It’s Just His Inner Caveman

We think if our man is looking at someone then it means he wants her, he may fall in love with her or he is feeling something for her, but it doesn’t really mean anything other than his biological urges have been activated. He’s not feeling anything emotional, it’s purely physical.

When they see an attractive woman, their inner caveman is beckoned without conscious choice. It’s harmless and nothing for you to be worried about because his heart, mind and soul are still with you.

Getting His Attention Back On You

If you feel left out when you notice your man’s eyes have been distracted, then join in the fun with him. Hold his hand and whisper in his ear, “Wow, she’s really hot isn’t she?” or “What’s the matter, baby, she got your motor running?”

When you see his soldier is standing at attention, rub your body against his, press your breasts against him, push your hips against his buttocks, nibble on his neck or ears, or if it’s possible reach between his legs and give him a good squeeze or stroke him. You’ll bring his attention straight back to you.

If the circumstance is right, you can even take advantage of the situation and use it as an opportunity to whisk him away and take him for a ride on the wild side that reminds him what you’ve got.

This kind of playfulness will actually strengthen your relationship.  Your man will feel accepted and know that he doesn’t have to hide things from you, which will encourage trust and deepen intimacy. He’ll see that you’re confident, self-assured and secure, which will make you more attractive to him.

The Difference Between Looking and Ogling

On the other hand, it’s also important to keep in mind that there is a difference between “looking” and “ogling.” Although a certain degree of looking is natural and to be expected, there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed or it then becomes disrespectful to you.

There’s also a difference between “looking” and “wandering” and that’s what we want to focus on here.  His looking only becomes dangerous when he acts on his urges or is thinking of acting on them.

When Looking Is More Than a Stare

If his looking is more like a stare that is blatantly obvious to you and the other woman and causes embarrassment or he’s making explicit remarks out loud to you about the other woman, comparing you to her in any way, actually flirting with her in front of you or indicating in any way that he would like to act on his urges, then this is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

Under these circumstances you may be dealing with a player, someone with excessively low self-esteem who needs constant ego boosting or sex addiction and that’s a whole other ball game that is cause for concern.

These issues are outside the realm of this conversation. For the purpose of this discussion we’re talking about the average semi-emotionally healthy man.

So, in summary, the main points to take away from this discussion are this. If you’re man is engaging in a little window shopping and admiring the merchandise, there is no harm done and no action is really required.

On the other hand, in a healthy relationship, even though he may be aroused by another woman, your man should be mature enough and value his relationship with you enough that he won’t do anything to jeopardize it.

When you’re with someone you love or really care about, it can be difficult to think about the fact that they may have been with someone else before you.

It can be even more difficult to think about the fact that they might have been with several someone else’s before you – is this something you will let destroy your current relationship or is it something you can move past and have a healthy relationship in the here and now?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am not my girlfriend’s first boyfriend. She has had sex with previous men and images of her having sex with them keep popping into my head. How can I forgive her for her past?

George, Wyoming

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si6-ugn96nc[/youtube]

The Past Is The Past

Everyone comes with a past – it’s what makes us who we are today. Everyone’s past is diverse and different and that’s what actually makes us beautiful as human beings. Sometimes someone’s past may include romantic relationships with people that it didn’t work out with, and most often, these romantic relationships are intimate.

Many times, two people will come into a new relationship with pasts that involved being intimate with other people and this is completely normal, especially if you’re older and have had several relationships. Fortunately, most people are able to let the past be the past – if you’re in a relationship now and you love and care about the person you’re with, it’s easy to leave the past alone and focus on the here and now.

Love and Acceptance

Although thinking about your partner being with someone else romantically and sexually may not give you warm and fuzzy feelings inside, it’s something that generally needs to be left alone to have a healthy and happy relationship in the present.

It’s not “bad” or even at all inappropriate for your partner to have a romantic and sexual past – in fact, you might have a romantic and sexual past. Even though you may have some feelings of jealousy or you may wish that your partner had only been intimate with you, it’s important to let it go, because in all reality, there’s nothing you can do about your partner’s past.

For a healthy and happy relationship in the here and now, it’s important to learn to accept your partner for who they are today, even with everything that happened in the past.

Ask yourself the critical question – who is your partner with now? Who does your partner want to be with now?

Chances are, the answer to the question is you. Don’t let something you can’t help destroy a relationship with someone you love and care about and someone that loves and cares about you right now.

Counseling

Sometimes it’s hard to let go of feelings of anger and jealousy, even if you know that they’re unhealthy feelings to have. Some people need counseling to help them work through these feelings and that’s perfectly okay – if you take the steps to move towards a healthy and happy relationship and working towards getting rid of negative feelings, you’re taking steps in the right direction.

Whether you can learn to let go of negative feelings you have about your partner’s past yourself or you need counseling to do it, it’s important to let go of them for the sake of your relationship. Being caught up in your partner’s romantic and sexual past can destroy your relationship in the here and now.

If you can’t come to terms with your partner’s sexual past, consider moving on and finding a partner that has less of a sexual and romantic past or none at all.

It’s extremely easy to fall into a fight in even the most enlightened relationship.  My husband and I almost did it recently.  In fact, if you had been watching you might have called what happened a fight, or at least an argument….

To put this in proper perspective, you should know that we have been married for 48 years, and have been studying and teaching about relationships for over 35 years.

It Starts Innocently

It started innocently enough.  My husband Jon came into my office and said, “I’ve been invited to a meeting tonight.  I’m going to go, would you like to come along with me?”

I said, “Tell me more.”

Jon: “A friend told me he attended “x” workshop and came away feeling less guilty and pressured about getting stuff done.  You have been struggling with that, so I thought you might find it useful.”

Make Sure You’re Being Clear

I missed something in this exchange.  I’ve known about “x” workshop for a long time and have never been particularly interested in attending it. His comment was ambiguous, but I thought he was talking about the evening program. In his mind his invitation was about the workshop.

Me: “OK, I’ll come.”  I asked for details, and he gave me a location and starting time.  Both were very doable.  I asked about the ending time, he said he didn’t know.  He called to find out.  Later, he told me, “The meeting ends at 10: 45.  Maybe we should take both cars in case you want to leave early.”

Alleviate Confusion

Now, I was a little bit unsure about the meeting since I had been out late at night before but I didn’t say anything.  A little later, I overheard his end of a telephone conversation with our adult son.

He talked about saving the workshop dates, because our son might like to attend with us.  At this point I was getting a little confused and suspicious.

Me: (later in his office).  “What is this about?  Are you planning on attending the workshop?”

Jon: “Well, my friend told me how much it changed since I was involved years ago.”

I was again beginning to feel angry because he didn’t actually answer my question.

Me: (impatient) “Tell me the whole thing.”

Jon: “I did.  I’m thinking about it.”

Me: (Angrily — This Is The Part That Looked Like The Fight) “Tell me the whole thing, starting at the beginning.”

Jon: (defensively).  “Why are you mad at me?  I did tell you.”

Me: “No you didn’t.  If you had told me the whole thing you would have started with telling me that you were thinking about going to the workshop, instead of inviting me to attend the meeting.  What is this thing tonight anyway? Is it a preview for the workshop?”  (We both know that a preview is a sales presentation.).

Jon: “Well, my friend said they don’t pressure you anymore.  He said they’ve changed.”

Me: (I’m angry — he has SORT OF admitted that it’s a sales presentation.)  “I thought you said it was about helping me feel less pressured.”

Jon: (innocent).  “Why are you so angry?”

Me: “Because you’re not giving me the whole story straight — it’s coming out in pieces.”

I left his office telling him I would think about it.  This brief angry exchange could’ve turned into an ugly fight.  In fact it had all of the earmarks of one of the games described in Eric Berne’s classic book Games People Play.

The Games People Play

It started with an invitation that had an ulterior motive.  Jon wanted me to do something that he was pretty sure I wouldn’t be very interested in doing, so he offered me an ambiguous invitation.  If I had actually attended the evening meeting and been subjected to a sales presentation instead of getting useful information I expected, I really would have been angry.

He really was not thinking about trying to manipulate me at the time he invited me. All he was thinking about was what he wanted to do.  Games start that way and end with everyone involved feeling badly.  They can get out of control very quickly.  Then it becomes a matter of blaming each other for the problem.

If I had gone to the meeting and discovered that it was a sales presentation, I would have been very angry. And I certainly could have blamed him for tricking me.  Really, though, I would have had a part in it being tricked.  My part would have been falling for the bait of a pleasant evening out and not noticing that there was something else going on.

Ignoring the Moment of Confusion

And that is what would have happened if I hadn’t noticed my own confusion after I overheard Jon’s phone call and started asking questions. In every game, there’s a moment of confusion that is usually ignored. Once it’s ignored the game or the fight escalates into a mess of bad feelings and accusations.

I’ve been practicing noticing those moments for many years.  Even when I did notice that something else was going on and tried to get more information, I still got angry. But we did manage to avoid a fight.

Later when I had calmed down I thought about whether or not I really wanted to attend the meeting. I decided that I didn’t want to go and said, “I’ll pass.”  He said OK, went to the meeting, and I had a quiet, pleasant evening at home.

Much later, he came home and said, “It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t come.  You wouldn’t have liked it.”

Me: “Are you going to attend the workshop?”

Jon: “I’m thinking about it.”

When Communication is a Challenge

Communication can be a real challenge, even when you are as skilled at it as I am.  It’s important to learn to notice those moments of confusion and talk about them.  Sometimes that works, and you can avoid getting deeper into an argument.

If it doesn’t work, and that fight happens anyway, trying to assign blame won’t get you very far. In fact, you may start another fight while trying to sort out the first one. If you can, just forgive each other and move on.

If fights happen frequently, talk to a professional relationship counselor. We can help you learn more effective patterns of communication.

You know those juicy, exciting feelings you have in the beginning of a relationship? Well, our question is; Can we have those feelings after 25 years? Some of those dramatic feelings we felt at the beginning of our life together were based on sexual expectancy and the sheer fact of being seen so lovingly by this new person.

Two Kinds of Relationships

My husband and I have been together for 25 years. When I look around in the world at most people who’ve been together for many years I see one of two places the majority of couples end up.

Either they are “comfortable” with each other which means they fit like an old shoe and I imagine that he may come home and watch TV or read the sports section and she comes home and does her routine. They’re fond of each other but so are many brothers and sisters and long-term friends fond of each other.

The other extreme are those who are fed up with each other and living there own lives or thinking of divorce.

But we are in a third kind of relationship; a vibrant, healthy one. Some of what makes it healthy is the following:

Put Your Partner First

Being two mature adults with good self images, we have the flexibility to each know when we come first or when we need to put our partner first. For example, I like early morning but I never conceived of waking up each weekday by 4:15a.m. I always liked 5:30. Well, for the past four years my husband has taught high school and leaves the house before 6.

Since I want this older guy to live a lot longer, I prepare both a healthy breakfast and a healthy portable lunch. Also, since he comes home tired at the end of his long day, it has become our habit to connect over a cup of organic coffee before he leaves for work.

So although by putting him first I sacrifice my sleep, I do not feel resentful or like a martyr because he’s teaching so I can stay home and write and coach.

Tell the Emotional Truth Quickly

Years ago at the very beginning of our life together we learned a secret – tell the emotional truth quickly. You know those pesky feelings that start coming up after you’ve been in a relationship for awhile? The ones that may sound like, “Stop telling me what to do!” or “I’ve asked him a million times not to leave the @#$& toilet seat up”, but he still does it!

Yeah. Those. Well, everyone knows that your partner doesn’t want to hear what you are upset about so maybe you try to keep it in, and then the resentments build up. Or maybe you yell those feelings right out loud, get mad, walk out, slam doors. Whatever.

Believe it or not, the second way portends bigger success for the long term. But the key here is to communicate all your feelings not just the negatives. If you don’t know how to do this, find some help. Oh, and we have tweaked this to say, “check your timing.” If you want to be heard, don’t approach your partner when they can’t listen.

Take Full Responsibility for Your Relationship

Another vital answer to our long-term success is that we both take full responsibility for everything in our lives. Even when our partner is fed up with us, we know that we have created that, too. It’s not as if we are so perfect that we do this immediately but it is a deep, core value that we both hold and so we can each trust that the other will eventually get there.

Healthy Relationships Take Work and Intention

I can tell you many, many more reasons why we have a healthy relationship. But remember the question is how do we keep it fresh, fruitful and passionate? It takes work and intention.

When we get too comfortable and our relationship starts to feel so much like an old shoe that we don’t really pay attention to, that we know is there but doesn’t excite us, we make a date. That date may look like going on a vacation to our favorite spot and BEING with each other.

For us that looks like no TV, no internet, no phones. It also looks like reading together, walking in the woods together, hanging out in laid back, quiet coffee places and investigating the deeper parts of our human journey both as a couple and as individuals.

Mini versions of that occur on an as-needed basis at home, undressed, with no phone answering and no email and no time constraints. We’ve adopted a practice of telling each other what we love about each other and really hearing what each other is saying which tends to make the intimacy happen more quickly.

And, most importantly, we look for what might make us a little shy or scared to share and we share it. It’s the untapped places in each other that we dare to share that create the relationship over and over again.