Relationship Advice

Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair?

No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, an affair can completely turn your world upside down. Whether you were the cheater or the one who was cheated on, when the affair comes out into the open, it seems like life will never be the same.

Can a relationship survive an affair? What can you and your partner do to work past the affair and become a positive, healthy couple again?

Can a relationship really survive an affair? What’s the secret?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZTa4CwDxfk[/youtube]

The Causes Of Affairs

Too often, people view affairs as the problem. In reality, affairs are really not the problem at all. For example, having a runny nose and itchy, watery eyes are not a problem. They’re a symptom of the bigger issue of allergies.

Similarly, affairs are only a symptom of a problem in the relationship. If there are no allergies, there won’t be itchy, watery eyes and runny noses. If there are no problems in a relationship, there won’t be any affairs.

This can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially if you’re feeling victimized, but to begin working past an affair you have to own up to the causes of the affair.

The causes of the affair were unlikely to be “because your partner is a horrible person.”The more likely causes of the affair were that there was a problem between you and your partner to begin with.

Once you learn to accept that and own up to it, you and your partner can begin working through the affair.

Stop Feeling Victimized.

If you are the one who was cheated on, it’s normal to feel upset, hurt, betrayed and even victimized. Some people, however, stay in that state of mind for too long following the affair because they’re comfortable in the position of being the victim. Who wants to be the bad guy anyway?

It can be extremely difficult to own up to the contribution to relationship problems, and it’s a lot easier to sit back and feel like the other person did you wrong. You’ll never move past an affair if you continue to let yourself feel victimized. Take some time to think through how both partners contributed to the affair and what the possible problems in your relationships might be.

Solve Your Relationship Problems.

If you’re able to get to the point where you and your partner can both own up to your contributions to the affair, you’re ready to move on and start building your relationship back up. Counseling is a great way to work out your relationship problems and it’s very important that you do. If you ignore the underlying problems that caused the affair, the symptoms will continue to present themselves.

Enter into couples counseling or marriage counseling so you and your partner can begin to work through the deep seated problems that were behind the affair in the first place. It’s important to go into counseling together rather than individual counseling, because you stand a much better chance of solving your problems as a couple if you go through counseling as a couple.

With time and effort from both partners, you can begin to work through the affair and learn to trust each other again. When you begin to realize that both parties contribute to an affair, not just the cheater, your relationship has a much better chance of surviving the affair.

Five Little Words That Strike Fear Into The Hearts Of Men

By melody

Everyone knows that guys get freaked out at the age old question, “How do you feel about our relationship?” Even statements along the lines of “We need to talk” usually send guys running for the hills.

Why is this? How can you talk to your man about your relationship without scaring him off? What is the right way to go about it so your relationship can stay positive?

“Honey, we need to talk [about our relationship]”…

Why Do Men Always Get Defensive When You Want To Talk?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpF8-TRYLuQ[/youtube]

They’re scared they’ll get it wrong.

When women ask men questions, they’re always afraid of giving the wrong answer. It doesn’t even matter what the question is most of the time.

If the “right answer” isn’t clear from the get go, men tend to shy away from talking about the subject with you at all. Many times, this stems from women getting angry and frustrated when a man does happen to answer a question. If he happens to answer with the “wrong” answer, the woman will get angry and the entire situation will get blown out of proportion.

If this happens,especially if it happens numerous times, men only learn that when they answer questions, bad things happen!

More often than not, men would rather not give an answer at all and shy away from the discussion than risk giving the “wrong” answer and getting a lot of flack for it.

Creating A Positive Atmosphere

You can avoid this by simply staying calm if your man gets an answer “wrong.” In essence, there really are no wrong answers. Discussing a relationship or other issues are actually just talking about how each person feels.

This isn’t wrong or right ,but what is said can upset the other person. By staying calm and collected even if your partner does something to upset you, you’ll keep your partner open to opening up.

Get angry and take it out on him, and he’ll close like a clam. Encourage him to open up by simply having a positive attitude about what he says. If something upsets you, tell him – in a nice way.

Asking the Dreaded Question.

Don’t approach a situation with the words, “We need to talk.” This only scares guys away. Women might not think it’s a big deal, but to men the mere suggestion of that type of discussion evokes a strong evacuation instinct. They can’t help it.

You can, however, help how you approach the situation. Say something positive about the relationship, for example, how much you enjoy a certain aspect of it. Then let him respond to that. Chances are, when approached like that, your partner will likely open up with what he enjoys about the relationship as well.

When the conversation starts rolling along in that manner, you can bring up issues that you have, of course, in a positive way. Avoid negative language like “you never” or “you always.”

It’s hard to do, but avoid placing blame. Just talk about the situation calmly with your partner and let them know how you feel. Avoid ranting and above all, give you partner room to talk to. No man enjoys being a listening post for a woman on a frustrated rampage.

Talk about any issues you have with your partner right away so you can avoid penting up your frustration and taking it all out on your partner at once.

How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

Something as seemingly ‘harmless” as hiding a purchase you made from you partner is really not harmless at all. In fact, it’s a form of financial infidelity, and can lead to greater financial infidelities.

Bigger-scale problems of this nature often come during significant relationship problems that you may be having with your significant other. For example, if you’re aware of financial or sexual infidelities going on in your relationship, you’re likely to fall into some financial infidelities of your own, or succumb to the “money mistress.”

Examples of Financial Infidelity

A few examples of financial infidelity are:

*when one partner keeps money from a work bonus for themselves without telling the other person

*over-charging at drugstores or for groceries and keeping the cash

*when one person uses money or spending as a way of “keeping score”

Why People Succumb to Financial Infidelity

There are several ways to, and many reasons why, people fall into this type of behavior. The most basic and common can be when you’re already experiencing things like this at the hands of your partner.

It can be tempting to retaliate in similar ways. You may even be in a relationship where you’re aware of a sexual affair, and you’re using your bank account to “get back” at the other person.

One couple I worked with had this problem. The woman was aware of her husband’s affair (as he wasn’t really doing much work to hide it) so she would see the purchases he made for his mistress, would add up the cost of these purchases, and then buy something for herself that cost that amount. She used this behavior as a way of trying to make herself feel good, and as a method of getting back at her spouse.

Of course the person already engaging in financial or sexual infidelities isn’t in the right either, but by retaliating or spending behind your partner’s back, you’re also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” – or a “Pissed off Purchase!” You’re fueled by anger towards the other person’s infidelities, whether they’re sexual or financial, and you decide to take action by using the bank account for leverage.

There are other versions of this situation that aren’t as drastic. I’ve seen cases where one partner overspends, and the other feels entitled to spend a similar amount, or in a similar way creating another type of money mistress. One key solution to the problem of a money mistress is to learn to fight fair. Don’t let money be your weapon.

Rules to Make Sure You Talk About Money

Here are a few rules I set forth in my book to help make sure you talk about money, and to break its control in your relationship:

*Ask permission. You want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.

*Put time limits on the “fight.” It’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.

*Use “I” sentences. Don’t blame or criticize.

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person need to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created “money mistresses” or “pissed off purchases” in the past.

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships Without Even Knowing It?

By loveandsex

Have you ever noticed yourself falling into an ever familiar pattern of self sabotage shortly after entering into a new relationship?

Self sabotage can take many forms such as engaging in addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, pornography, work , etc), engaging in affairs, withdrawing emotionally, becoming irresponsible with financial matters or personal hygiene, regressing into child like behaviors where you are unconsciously asking your partner to take care of you or rescue you, etc.

Self Sabotaging Behaviors

Of course, such behaviors can only be tolerated for so long even by the most caring and loving of partners before things become unstuck and everything falls apart.

The self sabotaging partner will then feel initial pangs of grief and sadness but there may also be deeper feelings of relief as well. Why is this?

Well, largely because the self sabotaging behaviors are sourced from deep emotional hurts that the individual carries within them either from earlier relationships, and more often from early childhood familial traumas.

These emotional hurts often make the individual feel unworthy, lacking self esteem and self confidence, defective or deficient in some way (i.e. the “there’s something wrong with me” feeling), afraid of being found out by others (especially their partner), incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship for any length of time and generally fragile and anxious.

It’s Really Just a Facade

So although this person desires to be in a relationship, being fully known to their partner entails the great risk of being rejected hence they supposedly feel more in control when they themselves initiate the demise of the relationship through self sabotage.

Behaviors that supposedly compensate for such inner feelings of hurt and allow the individual to “appear together” when they first meet a new partner. However such a facade is in place to unconsciously seduce the partner into a relationship so that they can begin to fulfill a hidden unconsciously held agenda.

The facade is needed because deep down the self sabotaging partner does not believe that they are genuinely lovable.

The hidden agenda is about allowing the “handicapped” partner get the care, soothing and love they need to feel whole and OK about themselves. Unfortunately this not what was bargained for by the relatively more healthy partner and so when it becomes apparent that they have been deceived the relationship begins to falter.

So How Can This Be Remedied?

Well, in my view the only way to effect any real and rapid change in this situation is to help the self sabotaging partner release their emotional pain once and for all from within.

As a former psychiatrist it was my experience that psychotherapy cannot do this. It was this awareness that led me to develop an entirely new and revolutionary approach that goes beyond what most therapists call “therapy”.

This new approach, called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP), is a process that helps to effectively clear the “hard drive” of your unconscious of any old traumatic memory that is holding you back in your life. The process is such that when the memories are released old negative self sabotaging behaviors associated with them also spontaneously dissolve without any extra effort on your part.

This releases one and helps to build self worth, self confidence, self esteem, a feeling of OK’ness about one’s self, boosts energy, healthy and leads to healthy relationships.

Casual Dating or Serious Relationship? How to Know For Sure…

By loveandsex

When it comes to dating, different couples have different ways of managing their relationships. What is healthy ranges from one extreme to the other because really, it’s not about what is “normal,” it’s about what is right for you and your partner.

Some couples take it day by day while others start planning for marriage and kids down the road. How can you make sure you and your partner are on the same page?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating a really sweet and generous guy for about a month now. We decided to take it day by day. Today he texted me and ask me “How do I feel about him”. What does this exactly mean? I am sort of confused.

–Tina, FL

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Fyj4o3JMnQ[/youtube]

Taking It Day By Day

When dating, taking it day by day can mean a couple different things. For most people, taking a relationship day by day means living each day to the fullest and making the most of each day, while still leaving your options for the future open.

Some couples, however, take taking a relationship day by day quite literally, and consider whether they want to continue dating each day. While a day by day approach can be great for a newly forming relationship, taking it too literally may mean one partner might not be on the same page as the other.

Your partner might be wondering how you feel about them if you’re consistently re-evaluating your relationship on a daily basis to decide if you want to continue dating.

Taking a relationship like this by the week or month might be a better option, because while you’re still leaving the future open, you’re giving a little bit more of yourself to your partner without making a heavy commitment.

Whether you’re taking a relationship by the day, week, month, year or century, you and your partner won’t be on the same page unless you talk to each other about the relationship and where you see it headed. Talk to your partner and be open and honest about how you feel about them.

Talking To Your Partner

You don’t have to skirt around issues. If you can’t be honest with your partner about the relationship, the relationship probably isn’t going to last much longer anyways.

When dating, it’s perfectly fine to say, “I like you and I enjoy spending time with you. I want to continue to spend time with you, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Making a commitment doesn’t feel right to me right now.” Your partner should respect what you have to say and how you feel about the relationship.

You should encourage them to open up about how they feel about the relationship as well. For example, if your partner comes back and says, “I love you and I’m ready to make a commitment,” you and your partner might have some more discussing to do. It’s definitely possible to make a compromise, especially if you both really like each other.

This can never happen, however, if you and your partner don’t talk about the relationship with each other. No one likes to be left in the dark and going without talking about it because it might seem “awkward” will leave one or both partners really wondering where things are headed.

Just sit down with your partner, keep it light and casual, and give each person a turn to talk about the relationship and how they feel about it. You might find that you really are on the same page, but if you’re not, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to get there.