Relationship Advice

How The Power of Empathy Can Improve Your Relationships

Back massage? Flowers and candles? Sexual favors? Yes, all of these help keep the fires of a relationship burning. But have you ever considered the power of empathy?

Empathy in a relationship continues to fuel the stuff of really long lasting relationships because, I believe, most people desire to feel like their partner not only “gets” them but cares about how they’re feeling on a deeper level.

As far as long term relationships go, this level of attunement trumps massages, romantic gestures and sex as all of these wonderful elements have natural ends to them.

The benefit of being empathetic towards your mate is that it constantly reinforces your relationship foundation – and the payoff is enduring.

“So what is empathy?”

According to the Webster dictionary, empathy is, “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” Empathy may be a ‘given’ in your relationship and if it is, consider yourself lucky.

Many people are keenly aware of the lack of empathy from their partners. I know this because I have worked with many couples who report low levels of empathy in their relationships – which has usually morphed into high levels of resentment.

I’ve found that the more successful couples have figured out that being tuned into each other on this level can only bring them closer. They check in with each other more (emotionally), are good listeners and tune in well to the one another’s needs. Partners who are empathetic to each other tend to notice more readily when something is bothering the other and be open for discussion about whatever is the matter. This creates an environment where they both feel cared for.

I think we all can agree that we all want to feel cared for by the people that matter the most to us.

“What are some ways to show my partner empathy?”

An easy way is to be a good listener. Then you take that up a notch and see if you can put yourself in their shoes in how they might be feeling about whatever situation they’re talking about.

For example, your partner says, “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call me back like you said you would.” An empathetic response would be something like, “I’m so sorry – I totally forgot. I can completely understand why you’d be disappointed.” An example of a response lacking empathy would look this way, “Why are you always so sensitive? It’s no big deal.” Ouch.

I think most people are empathetic by nature but I suspect we simply forget. If you find yourself hitting a speed bump with your partner, remember these words about the power of empathy. It’s a wise investment in the future of a long lasting, healthy and loving relationship.

To learn more about Lisa Brookes Kift, visit The Therapy and Counseling Blog.

How Do We Keep the “New” Feeling and Not Get Too Comfortable?

By loveandsex

In new relationships, there is the “new” feeling that everyone loves.

There’s a scientific explanation for it. It’s a chemical released by the brain that gives us those warm, fuzzy feelings when we first meet someone new and the relationship gets off to a great start.

Unfortunately, those “new” feelings tend to wear off, especially when the relationship isn’t new anymore. How can you keep the “new” feeling alive, even after your relationship has passed the “mature” mark?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 3 years now. We were both virgins when we started dating. Well, about a year ago. I caught her seeing another guy. We broke up but still talked and remained friends. She went through 3 other guys after that and had sex with every one of them. I told her to take it slow with every guy she dated. After a while I asked her why she was rushing into bed with each guy she dated. She told me she was excited to have this “new feeling”. This worries me considering we have been back together for a month after working things out.

So my question is how do I keep this new feeling with her so she doesn’t find some one else again?

– Seth, Michigan

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gV0CImZI7U[/youtube]

Keep it exciting

One of the biggest reasons that the “new” feeling is lost is that one or both partners start to get comfortable. This can be expressed in a variety of different ways, including wearing flannel pajamas instead of lingerie or burping in front of her after a cold beer. Some people stop working out or stop caring about their image as much, causing their partner to become less physically attracted to them.

Regardless of how it is expressed, however, getting comfortable can kill a “new relationship” buzz in no time. You can keep your relationship exciting by trying your best to avoid getting comfortable. Do everything you would do if you had just met your partner.

If you wouldn’t dream of picking your wedgie in front of a girlfriend you’ve had for two weeks, don’t do it in front of your girlfriend of six months or even a year. Would you buy flowers for your new girlfriend? Buy them for your girlfriend of three months too. If you’re a lady, would you dare let your brand new boyfriend see you without a stitch of makeup or after you haven’t shaved your legs for three weeks? Don’t let your boyfriend of eight months see you like that either!

Take the time and effort to do everything as you would for a new boyfriend or girlfriend and you can keep the relationship exciting.

Searching for the high…

Some people, known as serial daters, are in constant search of that chemical high they get when they’re with someone new. Unfortunately, serial daters don’t know this is why they date someone and break up with them, date someone and break up with them, etc. To a serial dater, each boyfriend or girlfriend had a legitimate reason or fault for the break up.

This usually is a destructive pattern and leads to the serial dater feeling like no relationship will ever work out for them. If you suspect you might be a serial dater, you can seek counseling to help you deal with the bigger issues at hand. If you’re the victim of a serial dater, especially if he or she keeps coming back to you after a string of other partners, you might want to move on.

Trying to get them to realize what is happening is a lost cause, because they won’t see it no matter how many times you point it out to them. If a serial dater breaks up with you, especially if it’s the third, fourth or fifth time, move on and find someone who can commit.

While it takes work, you can keep the “new” feeling alive for as long as you put the effort in. Try your best to stay on your toes and avoid getting comfortable. Treat your partner like you just met them last week and enjoy your relationship day by day.

Burned By His Ex… Will He Ever Commit to a Relationship With Me?

By loveandsex

It’s an age old dilemma…

A woman is dating a guy who isn’t ready to commit. It can certainly be vice versa, and either way, it’s frustrating to be the one ready to commit when your partner isn’t.

Everyone stresses the importance of being on the same page relationship-wise with your partner and they’re right. What can you do though when they’re not ready to commit and you are?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met a guy through work, I’ve been out with him several times, had a good time. I like him a lot and think he likes me too. He doesn’t want a relationship and a commitment because an ex girlfriend whom he was planning to marry dumped him for another man nearly two years ago. He said he still wants to meet up now and again.

I’m wondering what’s the point in meeting anymore. But on the other hand I’m also thinking that maybe I should continue seeing him and give him some space and don’t hassle him and then see if over time something does develop. What do you think ?

-D, United Kingdom

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1XaRufyUGo[/youtube]

Your partner wants to continue casual dating

That’s great, but remember, you have to read between the lines. Do you think that your partner truly wants to continue casual dating or is just too afraid to say that they’re “not that into you?” If you suspect the latter, just confront your partner in a positive way to find out the truth. If they really are into you but just want a casual relationship, go for it!

You also need to ask yourself if you’re comfortable with casual dating. Is this something you’d like to continue doing as well? There are two sides to this coin. If you enjoy being with your partner and you have fun together, you might want to relax a little about the commitment issue. It could be that you’re with the right person but it’s not the right place or time for a commitment and that’s okay!

On the other hand, if you’re just plain not comfortable with casual dating if you can’t see it going anywhere, then you might want to consider moving on. It sounds harsh, but holding on to hope that something will change later on down the road while you’re unhappy in the present is just going to make both you and your partner miserable.

Only move forward with the relationship if you’re fine with casual dating from here on out because there is the possibility that your partner will never want a committed relationship.

Moving forward

If you decide to move forward with the relationship, it’s important that your commitment shy partner get lots of space. Giving them no room to breath or giving them ultimatums will likely result in relationship disaster.

Find things you like to do and enjoy them. Go for a walk, join a bowling league or sign up for that painting class you’ve been eyeing. Busy yourself with things that nurture your being and let your partner fall in between the cracks. Make time for them but don’t make your whole world revolve around them.

That can sometimes be the key to getting a commitment shy person to warm up to you. They don’t feel like they’re the center of your universe and ,if they make one wrong move, your universe will come crashing down. Who wants to have that much pressure put on them?

Either way, if you and your partner end up calling it quits later, you haven’t missed out on things you wanted to do. If you do work out, you’ve learned how to build a solid foundation for a relationship.

Why Having Sex Right Away Doesn’t Mean He’ll Call…

By victoryarogers

Okay ladies, I know most of you THINK seducing your date is the quickest way to get him to call you back but in reality it’s the worst thing you can do—especially early on!

There are many “dating experts” that will tell you differently including fellow colleague David Wygant, who by the way gives great advice about other aspects of dating.

I just totally disagree with him on this point! Come on Dave! You’re a guy and you are in no way guaranteeing that taking it off gets a call back. It just gives the guy a great time in the moment! The problem is, the minute you leave, ladies, you are out of sight out of mind.

Why taking it all off doesn’t work

I’m not saying be a prude and cover up from the top of your neck to your ankles. I’m saying, ladies, dress to look nice and desirable as a human being not a piece of meat on display. Men don’t fall in love because of their libido.

They fall in love when they allow themselves to give up their heart. Commitment for a man is always a conscious choice. Until a man decides to commit, he will continue to play the field, often with more than one woman at a time.

Sure, most guys will gladly sleep with you, and they’ll be quite pleased with you for satisfying them. Here’s where you will get confused. Just because he sleeps with you doesn’t mean he loves you. In fact, it doesn’t even mean he LIKES you.

It just means you were willing, he was “in the mood” (which is every guy all the time) and so you did it. It in no way means anything else, in HIS mind as far as “commitment.” Rather it will be a pleasant instant gratification moment.

Another negative about jumping in the sack with your date is that the minute sex is involved, the communication level of a developing relationship seems to just freeze. However well you’ve gotten to know each other at that point seems to be as far as the relationship “depth” goes. This is a very bad consequence if you were trying to move him along the path of committing to you.

Thinking sex right away is a good idea? It’s not just you.

I can give you story after story, example after example to prove my case. I’ve seen the evidence all over America and I’ve seen it all through the entertainment industry (where I spent 16 years and all my single years).

I so feel bad for all these female celebrities because they are making the same mistakes many of you are and jumping in the sack, even getting pregnant, to try and catch their man. For them, the results are worse because they’ve just given the guy bragging rights for nabbing a celeb who they didn’t have to commit to first. Kudos to the guy, sympathies for the celebrity who will soon be dumped—that is if she was ever even considered a girlfriend.

Okay, okay, enough ranting, let me close in just telling you there are many other ways to capture that man’s heart than taking it off and using your body, no matter HOW amazing your body is.

Victorya Rogers is the author of The Automatic 2nd Date. To learn more about Victorya Rogers, visit ManToKeep.com.

The Secret Cure For A Dwindling Sex Life

By melody

One Christmas a girlfriend of mine handed out packages to our little group of friends. One by one my friends opened their packages containing beautiful flannel pajamas from Neiman’s with high-healed shoes all over them.

But my package didn’t contain pajamas. Mine contained a book and some toiletries. Embarrassed, my friend said, “Well, I know you sleep naked, so I had to think of something else!” I just laughed.

This particular woman has had marital difficulties as long as I have known her. Somehow she and her husband managed to have a child; I don’t really know how they did I considering they almost never have sex. The other women have modest sex lives, I’m sure.

Sleeping naked has many rewards

What I know for sure is that they don’t have as rewarding and active a sex life as they could if they are wearing pajamas to bed!

Wearing your birthday suit to bed offers many rewards. Not the least of which is that it makes sex a lot more likely to happen. Here is my list of the advantages of sleeping naked with your partner:

Increased oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone released with skin-to-skin contact. Touching skin-to-skin from head to toe all night long provides us with a steady stream of this beneficial hormone. Some of the benefits of oxytocin are: increased sense of well-being; decreased heart rate; and reduction of stress hormones, increased sense of trust, and…. Drum roll…. Sexual arousal!
Getting into “the mood” for sex is hard for women. We tend to stay in our heads and worry about being tired, or that the kids will hear, or whatever we are stressing about that day. This does not put us in the mood for sexual contact; in fact it tends to make us feel more alone and isolated. Many women will simply answer “Not tonight, dear” if asked if they want to have sex just because they have too much going on in their heads. Getting skin-to-skin stimulates sexual feelings no matter whom you are or what is going on in your head.
One of the strongest detriments for having sex is a sense of disconnect between the couple. When we feel disconnected from our partner, we lose a sense of desire for them. This is why good communication that involves respect and empathy helps us to feel more sexual toward each other. Sleep naked breaks down those psychological barriers.
Sleeping skin-to-skin increases our sense of bonding. Think about it, when you are first dating you can’t keep your hands off each other can you? When you have a baby you can’t keep your hands off of them either. Bonding increases with skin-to-skin contact.

You will have sex more often. Being close and naked makes it a lot easier to move into being sexual together.

Before you protest too much…

Okay, okay, I know what you are going to say, “I can’t sleep without clothes on!” Anytime you change a routine it takes time to adjust. Your body is just used to your sleeping with clothing touching its skin. It will get used to being naked, eventually.

My entire life I had slept on my side curled up in the fetal position. There are pictures of me like this as a child. Yet when I had shoulder surgery I could not sleep that way. I was forced to learn to sleep on my back. It was hard the first couple of nights, but I got used to it. You’ll get used to sleeping naked, too.

Now the other argument I hear is that you’d be too cold. Well, if you are cold, get an electric blanket!

Excuses, excuses

All of these seem like excuses to me. If you don’t want to have sex more often that’s a sign of needing help. We are programmed through biology to want to be sexual. If something is interfering with that desire you need to check it out.

Make sure there is not something physical going on (it could be hormones). Then get yourself to a psychologist to find out what is blocking your desire. It could be problems in the marriage or it could be problems from your past, but it’s not natural to not want to be sexual with your partner.

The benefits of sleeping nude

Even Dr. Oz stated he is a proponent of couples sleeping naked. A month or two ago he appeared on Oprah and told the world that if you want to increase your sex life, thereby increasing your overall health, you should sleep naked.

Having more sex has many health benefits and increases the chances of your marriage lasting. Okay, I am not talking marathon sex here; I am also not talking having sex five times a day, once or twice a day can do wonders. Having sex at least once a day increases our general health and well-being.

Spending half an hour a day in the most enjoyable and healthy exercise you can partake you will live longer, feel more satisfied with your life, and be healthier. Not to mention it will do increase the odds of your marriage living as long as you do!