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Swinger Swap Gone Wrong! Can We Recover?

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You’ve made the jump into swinging. Congratulations! It takes a lot of courage to make the foray into swinging.

There’s a reason for that though. Swinging doesn’t always work the way we hope it to.

What do you do when swinging goes wrong? What happens if there’s a rift between you and your partner after swinging? What do you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband got quite close to his client. They eventually became attracted to each other. All 4 of us became close socially. Eventually we began to talk about a swap. We went on a short holiday. Both of them were very close and comfy with each other. Her husband and I were not and the situation got very uncomfortable. Nothing happened between any of the couples. But our marriages have been affected. My husband is still close to her. And each day my emotions drive me crazy. We still go out as friends. But one day I’m ok with it, and another day I’m hurt that he puts her before me. I feel that her husband also goes thru what I’m going thru. It’s destroying me. What should I do?

— Samantha, Uganda

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fbl73MXEAZ0[/youtube]

Swinging Gone Wrong

Most of the time, when swinging goes wrong it’s a jealousy issue. This can happen before you actually have sex, during or after. Even if your partner is just spending time with another person while you’re spending time with someone else as well, it can lead to jealousy and hurt feelings. This can be especially difficult to deal with if your foray into swinging isn’t as successful as your partner’s. You may feel left out or forgotten about.

If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, relax. They’re all normal feelings. Swinging isn’t for everyone and it may have taken a step in that direction for you to realize that swinging isn’t for you. Don’t dismiss your feelings because you think you “shouldn’t” have them, or that you “brought them on yourself” because you agreed to the swinging in the first place.

You reserve the right to change your mind about swinging at any point in time, any place, anywhere. If swinging starts making you feel uncomfortable, even if it didn’t at first, it’s perfectly fine to change your mind and stop the swinging.

Going In Reverse

If you’ve had a not so good experience with swinging, you have every right to put a stop to it. That may prevent any hurt feelings in the future, but what about the hurt you’re harboring now? Is your relationship doomed to failure now that you’ve introduced swinging into your lives?

Not necessarily

Your relationship is only going to be doomed if you let it. If you’re feeling hurt and upset about the swinging, it’s important that you talk to your partner about it. Let them know how you’re feeling without blaming your partner and without being critical. Talk about what happened and when you’re done talking, talk some more! Be open and honest in your communication.

The number one reason that swinging ends up destroying relationships is because one or both partners don’t communicate with each other. They’re not on the same page and they stay that way, because no one speaks up. Discuss with your partner what hurt you and find out what went wrong. Is there a way that it could be prevented in the future, should you decide to swing again?

By being on the same page as your partner and talking to each other about what went wrong with the swinging, you can begin to heal those hurt feelings. You can put the feelings of jealousy aside as your partner reassures you and together you can work to put aside what happened and begin to strengthen your relationship.

With open and honest communication, you can keep a bad swinging experience from ruining your relationship with your partner. If you decide never to swing again, that’s your prerogative. It’s important to understand that swinging isn’t for everyone and as long as you and your partner are open with each other, you can both come out having learned a lot!

Do You Have What it Takes to Be Swingers?

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If you’re looking to spice up your sex life, you might be looking into swinging. Swinging with a third person or even another couple can bring a new aspect of fun and excitement into your sex life that you never thought possible.

Some couples aren’t ready for swinging. You have to be comfortable, confident and above all, open and honest with each other. Do you have what it takes to be swingers?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a huge dilemma. My wife and I are very sexual, and have discussed at length our interest in the swinging lifestyle. We are both dying to explore the beginning stages, but have a problem. Besides being totally inexperienced, we are not physically fit and although we are very fun and engaging and have a lot of social adventures, we feel too uncomfortable to approach others. We want to watch real people have sex in front of us, but not participate.

Is there an outlet for this with real people? I know it’s hypocritical, but we would like to see attractive people, and people we connect with emotionally, but we don’t feel we have what it takes to get others to want to share themselves with us. What should we do?

— Jay, NC

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cBvglPB9lE[/youtube]

Being Comfortable With Yourself

Swingers come in all shapes, sizes and colors. The swingers you see in pornography and on television shows aren’t the only swingers out there in real life. Swingers can be anyone, your frumpy next door neighbors or even your bald boss. You’re going to find a great mix of people from all walks of life when you start exploring swinging.

You may feel that you’re not attractive enough to swing, or that no other couple is going to be interested in what you have to offer. That’s not true! It takes time and effort to find another person or couple that you’re compatible with, but that doesn’t mean you never will.

The first step to swinging is getting comfortable with yourself. Now that you understand that swingers don’t all look like television actors and actresses, you can begin to become confident enough with yourself that you aren’t worried about what you look like or what other people look like.

You can always change your physical appearance. You can lose weight, tone up, even dye your hair. Why do that, though? If you’re not confident with you, the swinging life is going to fizzle fast. Learn to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like, and realize that you’re attractive to your partner and you’re going to be attractive to others as well.

Getting Your Feet Wet

You don’t have to start swinging immediately when you start working yourself into that lifestyle. If you find a couple you’re attracted to and vice versa and you want to jump in, go ahead. Many people, however, just want to get their feet wet at first. You can do this a number of ways.

Believe it or not, there are a great number of “swingers clubs” all over the country. Some are simply clubs that allow swingers to meet, while others are set up to allow for sex on the premises.

Either way, they’re a great way to get involved in swinging. Whether you’re watching someone have sex or someone’s watching you have sex, you can find out how you feel about swinging without actually going through with it! Plus, you can meet some great couples and friends.

You can also find websites that are similar to dating websites, but they’re designed for swingers. You can post a profile and photos as well as browse other profiles and photos. It’s a great way to meet swingers, get yourself introduced and get to know them.

Just don’t forget to take it offline when you’re ready. You can’t have a swinging relationship exclusively on the computer! With a great, confident attitude, an open and honest relationship with your partner, and an unbiased look on meeting swingers and getting to know them, you have exactly what it takes to be a swinger!

So You Want To Be Swingers? Here’s How to Get Started

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As experienced swingers, the most common question we receive from those looking to get into the lifestyle is, “How do we start?”

Where to look

Thanks to the internet, it is easier to become a swinger than ever before. As recently as the mid-1990’s, the most common way was by purchasing a contact magazine, usually at a seedy adult bookstore, and then mailing letters to the people who advertised therein.

Swing clubs have existed since the 1970’s, but the only way you could find out about them was by word of mouth or through advertisements in underground publications. Today, the road to becoming a swinger starts with the click of a mouse.

Whether you are looking for a classy swing club, a private house party, or a couple in your city, all of these things can be found on the internet. For those looking to dive right in, clubs and parties are the best way to meet a number of potential playmates on any given night.

For those who prefer a slower, more relaxed approach, your best bet is to place on ad on a swinger’s contact website such as our favorite, Adult Friend Finder. However, meeting people through on online ad requires a great amount of patience.

Swing clubs

Regarding swing clubs, if you live in a large city, you might have a choice between an on-premise club and an off-premise club. An on-premise club is where the sex actually takes place at the facility, whereas sex does not take place at an off-premise club. Off-premises clubs typically hold social events at hotel ballrooms, but those who want to play can usually rent a discounted guest room at that hotel. We usually recommend off-premise clubs to newbies who are worried about being pressured to have sex before they’re ready.

Clubs in your area can be found by utilizing your favorite search engine with the key words “swing clubs” along with the name of your home state or the nearest major city. That should lead you to a list a clubs with links to their websites. Check out those sites and see which one might be write for you. If you have any questions or concerns, don’t be afraid to call or email the club for additional information.

Private swing parties

Private swing parties are a little more difficult to find, because so many of them advertise through word-of mouth. For the most part, you won’t hear about these parties until you’ve worked you way into certain social circles. However, some of these parties are advertised online, often through Craigslist or social networking sites such as Yahoo! Groups. Also, some swingers contact websites have a listing of local parties in your area.

Types of swing parties

There are two basic types of private swing parties: the house party and the hotel party. Swinger house parties are held in private residences and operate just like vanilla house parties with one exception: if you happen to find someone you are attracted to, there is no shame in heading to a bedroom and having sex with that person. Swinger hotel parties are a little more hardcore. At some of them, you are expected to lose your clothes at the door. Because of this, house parties are a safer start for those just getting into the lifestyle.

Placing an advertisement on a contact website can be a time-consuming process, but it is a good alternative for those who don’t care for the large crowds and loud music which can be characteristic of clubs and parties.

Placing an ad online

The biggest challenge is putting together your online profile, which is your introduction to the rest of the swinging world. Your profile should be very specific in describing yourself and what you’re looking for. Ads with photos get better responses, so it’s best to also post some clear, recent pictures. If you are concerned about privacy, it’s acceptable to either use photos that don’t show your face, or to use photo editing software to remove your face from the pictures.

Furthermore, it’s very important that your profile be as honest as possible in your profile, because lying about your age, weight or endowment will not get you anywhere once the truth is revealed. Also, we recommend that you keep your profile sounding positive by listed the things you like rather than all the things you don’t like. A long list of dislikes makes you come across like a negative person.

Once your ad is placed

Once your profile is posted, take some time to browse through the other profiles to see if there is anyone who catches your eye. When it come to initiating contact, make sure you write to only those whose criteria you fit. Once you’ve established a correspondence, try to arrange a meeting fairly quickly so that you don’t get caught up in an endless cycle of emails.

It’s best to meet others for the first time in a public place for drinks or a snack so that you can get to know each other better and see if there’s any chemistry there. Some swingers enjoy playing on the first date, but if that’s not your desire, you can schedule a play date for later.

A warning

Be forewarned that there are a lot of advertisers on contact websites who are not truly serious about getting into the lifestyle. Thus, you will probably have to weed through a lot of these people just to find a potential playmate that is sincere. But with perseverance, you should be able to meet someone who is willing to introduce you into the lifestyle.

Also, regardless of what path you take to become a swinger, don’t be afraid to ask experienced swingers for tips and tricks on how to navigate the lifestyle waters. Swinging is not for everyone, but it can lead to a lifetime of fun for many of us.

New Swinger Concern – What If We Can’t Agree?

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If you’re new to the swinging game, picking a partner that satisfies you and your husband or wife can seem kind of intimidating.

You’re not alone! You’re right to be a little nervous about picking a swinging partner, especially if it’s your first time.

You need to pick a swinging partner that you are both comfortable with and attracted to, or trouble can brew. If you and your partner can’t agree on who to swing with, should you compromise?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I want to get into swinging. We’ve been talking about it for a little over 2 years now. She was the one who approached me with the idea. We have joined a swing site but the problem is that my wife doesn’t like my taste in woman.

I’m not into super thin women I like a woman with a little belly but not huge. Let me say this before judging me on this not that you would. My wife is not small but not huge either, I love her dearly, but she always wants me to pick a woman that is larger then her or the same size. But when she picks the man she wants I never question her on it. Its just sex I’m not looking to replace her.

Am I wrong for wanting a woman that I’m more physically attracted with?

– Aaron, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9tChV4sXEE[/youtube]

Her fears.

If you find a swinging partner that you’re attracted to, but your partner vetoes your decision, it might frustrate you especially if it happens more than once. If this is something that you’re dealing with, take heart.

Many women are afraid of their husbands picking a swinging partner that is more attractive than them, and they might even be afraid that you’ll like the swinging partner more than her.

These are completely normal fears and although they generally stem from deeper self esteem issues, your wife is not the first woman who has felt this way about swinging. Even women who are into swinging can have these doubts, so it’s important that if your partner is feeling this way that you cut her some slack.

Try to understand where she is coming from.

Is she really okay with swinging?

If your partner repeatedly vetoes your swinging partner suggestions, there may be something more to the equation than what meets the eye. It might be a subconscious signal that she really doesn’t want to start swinging. If this is something you suspect, it’s important that you have a discussion with her about swinging before actually doing the deed.

As with any time swinging comes up, it’s essential that you talk to each other and talk some more. Talk before and after you swing, and even during if you need to!  Open lines of communication are a must when it comes to swinging.

Talk to your partner and find out if she really is okay with swinging. Don’t be judgmental. If she was into swinging before and has decided that perhaps she’d like to wait or if she isn’t interested anymore, that’s okay. Don’t criticize her for it, because she has the right to change her mind about how she feels about swinging at any time.  So do you!

Making her comfortable.

If your partner just seems uncomfortable with your choices in swinging partners, let her choose a partner. It may not be someone you’re really attracted to at first, but if she is, that’s an important first step. Letting your partner choose who you swing with the first few times can go a long way into getting her warmed up to the swinging idea. Perhaps you and your partner can work out an agreement about who gets to choose the partner and when.

Since many women are afraid of their husbands finding more pleasure in the swinging partner than them, you can build trust with her by proving to her that you’re not out to do that. Once the trust has been established, she will more than likely become more comfortable with your choices in swinging partners. Just remember communication is the key to making swinging work! Talk to each other endlessly and make sure that every avenue has been discussed in full before taking the plunge.

Thinking of Having a Threesome? Why Not Make It A Foursome…

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You and your partner have decided to have a threesome. You may even have someone in mind that you and your partner have both agreed on.

If you’re about to take the plunge into the world of multiple partner sex, you may have a few questions on how to do it safely.

Congratulations! Not everyone has safety on their mind before having a threesome. Here are some great ways to have safety in numbers.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Just wanted to say I think it is great what you two do.  My question is my girlfriend and I want to have a threesome with another female and we have one lined up. I know to use a condom but what about oral and other kinds of play? We don’t want to come home with some kind of STD.

Do you have any advice for protection?

– John, CA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3yXco6t9ag[/youtube]

Getting Tested

The first and foremost thing you should do if you’re planning to have a threesome is get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. All parties involved should have this done.

Your doctor can do this for you, or a local health department can. Have the clinic print something for you that shows your STD status and let all parties involved have a look. This is truly the best way to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases when having a threesome.

Sometimes, a threesome is not monogamous and this can substantially shake things up. If you can’t secure a regular threesome partner or if it’s not just a one time thing, you’ll want to take extra safety precautions.

Stepping Up The Safety Factor

– Use latex condoms, or condoms from another material if someone is allergic to latex. Female condoms are great too. Use condoms during sexual intercourse, anal sex and even during oral sex and hand to penis stimulation. While this may not sound enticing, make sure you have a bottle of lubricant with you. Lubricant can go a long way to making latex feel more natural and pleasurable.

– Use latex or vinyl gloves. If you’re going do be doing any play with your hands that involves touching the penis, vagina or anus, protect your hands and their genitals by using latex gloves or gloves of another material.

– Use dental dams or at the very least, plastic wrap when giving a woman oral sex. These both work well to protect the mouth from any vaginal secretions. The trick to using dental dams or plastic wrap is putting a few drops of lubricant on the underside of the plastic square (the side that faces the vagina) and leaving the side that faces the mouth clean. This will help increase the pleasure of oral sex.

These things aren’t going to keep you from contracting every sexually transmitted disease on the planet, but it will reduce your risk of exposure a great deal. Remember that pubic lice, scabies, genital herpes and genital warts can all be spread by skin to skin contact.

Even if you’re wearing a condom, if there’s a genital sore on the upper part of the genitals and this is something you come into contact with, you run the risk of contracting the STD.

Communication

It is essential that you communicate frequently with all parties that are to be involved in the threesome. Talk before the threesome, during and even after. Address what actions are acceptable and what aren’t. Stick to these guidelines during the threesome. Don’t put anyone in a position where they could possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease just for your own pleasure.

Keeping the lines of communication open can seem awkward, but it is essential for a successful threesome. If you’re smart and safe, you and your partner can have a great time with your new partner.