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New Swinger Concern – What If We Can’t Agree?

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If you’re new to the swinging game, picking a partner that satisfies you and your husband or wife can seem kind of intimidating.

You’re not alone! You’re right to be a little nervous about picking a swinging partner, especially if it’s your first time.

You need to pick a swinging partner that you are both comfortable with and attracted to, or trouble can brew. If you and your partner can’t agree on who to swing with, should you compromise?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I want to get into swinging. We’ve been talking about it for a little over 2 years now. She was the one who approached me with the idea. We have joined a swing site but the problem is that my wife doesn’t like my taste in woman.

I’m not into super thin women I like a woman with a little belly but not huge. Let me say this before judging me on this not that you would. My wife is not small but not huge either, I love her dearly, but she always wants me to pick a woman that is larger then her or the same size. But when she picks the man she wants I never question her on it. Its just sex I’m not looking to replace her.

Am I wrong for wanting a woman that I’m more physically attracted with?

– Aaron, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9tChV4sXEE[/youtube]

Her fears.

If you find a swinging partner that you’re attracted to, but your partner vetoes your decision, it might frustrate you especially if it happens more than once. If this is something that you’re dealing with, take heart.

Many women are afraid of their husbands picking a swinging partner that is more attractive than them, and they might even be afraid that you’ll like the swinging partner more than her.

These are completely normal fears and although they generally stem from deeper self esteem issues, your wife is not the first woman who has felt this way about swinging. Even women who are into swinging can have these doubts, so it’s important that if your partner is feeling this way that you cut her some slack.

Try to understand where she is coming from.

Is she really okay with swinging?

If your partner repeatedly vetoes your swinging partner suggestions, there may be something more to the equation than what meets the eye. It might be a subconscious signal that she really doesn’t want to start swinging. If this is something you suspect, it’s important that you have a discussion with her about swinging before actually doing the deed.

As with any time swinging comes up, it’s essential that you talk to each other and talk some more. Talk before and after you swing, and even during if you need to!  Open lines of communication are a must when it comes to swinging.

Talk to your partner and find out if she really is okay with swinging. Don’t be judgmental. If she was into swinging before and has decided that perhaps she’d like to wait or if she isn’t interested anymore, that’s okay. Don’t criticize her for it, because she has the right to change her mind about how she feels about swinging at any time.  So do you!

Making her comfortable.

If your partner just seems uncomfortable with your choices in swinging partners, let her choose a partner. It may not be someone you’re really attracted to at first, but if she is, that’s an important first step. Letting your partner choose who you swing with the first few times can go a long way into getting her warmed up to the swinging idea. Perhaps you and your partner can work out an agreement about who gets to choose the partner and when.

Since many women are afraid of their husbands finding more pleasure in the swinging partner than them, you can build trust with her by proving to her that you’re not out to do that. Once the trust has been established, she will more than likely become more comfortable with your choices in swinging partners. Just remember communication is the key to making swinging work! Talk to each other endlessly and make sure that every avenue has been discussed in full before taking the plunge.

Thinking of Having a Threesome? Why Not Make It A Foursome…

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You and your partner have decided to have a threesome. You may even have someone in mind that you and your partner have both agreed on.

If you’re about to take the plunge into the world of multiple partner sex, you may have a few questions on how to do it safely.

Congratulations! Not everyone has safety on their mind before having a threesome. Here are some great ways to have safety in numbers.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Just wanted to say I think it is great what you two do.  My question is my girlfriend and I want to have a threesome with another female and we have one lined up. I know to use a condom but what about oral and other kinds of play? We don’t want to come home with some kind of STD.

Do you have any advice for protection?

– John, CA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3yXco6t9ag[/youtube]

Getting Tested

The first and foremost thing you should do if you’re planning to have a threesome is get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. All parties involved should have this done.

Your doctor can do this for you, or a local health department can. Have the clinic print something for you that shows your STD status and let all parties involved have a look. This is truly the best way to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases when having a threesome.

Sometimes, a threesome is not monogamous and this can substantially shake things up. If you can’t secure a regular threesome partner or if it’s not just a one time thing, you’ll want to take extra safety precautions.

Stepping Up The Safety Factor

– Use latex condoms, or condoms from another material if someone is allergic to latex. Female condoms are great too. Use condoms during sexual intercourse, anal sex and even during oral sex and hand to penis stimulation. While this may not sound enticing, make sure you have a bottle of lubricant with you. Lubricant can go a long way to making latex feel more natural and pleasurable.

– Use latex or vinyl gloves. If you’re going do be doing any play with your hands that involves touching the penis, vagina or anus, protect your hands and their genitals by using latex gloves or gloves of another material.

– Use dental dams or at the very least, plastic wrap when giving a woman oral sex. These both work well to protect the mouth from any vaginal secretions. The trick to using dental dams or plastic wrap is putting a few drops of lubricant on the underside of the plastic square (the side that faces the vagina) and leaving the side that faces the mouth clean. This will help increase the pleasure of oral sex.

These things aren’t going to keep you from contracting every sexually transmitted disease on the planet, but it will reduce your risk of exposure a great deal. Remember that pubic lice, scabies, genital herpes and genital warts can all be spread by skin to skin contact.

Even if you’re wearing a condom, if there’s a genital sore on the upper part of the genitals and this is something you come into contact with, you run the risk of contracting the STD.

Communication

It is essential that you communicate frequently with all parties that are to be involved in the threesome. Talk before the threesome, during and even after. Address what actions are acceptable and what aren’t. Stick to these guidelines during the threesome. Don’t put anyone in a position where they could possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease just for your own pleasure.

Keeping the lines of communication open can seem awkward, but it is essential for a successful threesome. If you’re smart and safe, you and your partner can have a great time with your new partner.

How To Ease Into Swinging So That You’re Both Comfortable

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So you and your partner are thinking about swinging. Whether you’ve tried it once before or this is your first time, it can be nerve wracking when trying to ease yourself into the swinging lifestyle.

How can you start swinging slowly, and in a way that makes both partners completely comfortable?

While the only rules for swinging for you are set by you and your partner, there are some general guidelines that can help make things easier for the both of you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My fiancée and I are talking about trying the swinging lifestyle and we are a little unsure of how to start and move into it gradually so that everyone is comfortable. What do you suggest?

– Randa, Alabama

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2Hip6b80bk[/youtube]

Ease Into It

Getting involved in the swinging lifestyle slowly is probably the best way to go about it. It’s great if you and your partner have made this decision together before starting to swing, instead of getting caught in the moment before having discussed the topic. The most important thing you can do when considering swinging is talk about it. Talk about every aspect of swinging, even if it seems like a small issue.

Ask some important questions. Why do you want to swing? What turns you on about swinging? Discuss with your partner how you feel about swinging and listen to them as well. It’s extremely vital that you both are on the same page before you take the plunge! You should also evaluate your relationship as it stands before you venture into the swinging lifestyle. If your relationship is in any way in trouble, swinging is not going to help! You need a strong relationship foundation before you start swinging with your partner.

Make The Rules Clear!

When discussing swinging with your partner, it’s important that you hash out the details. Decide what is appropriate during swinging and what isn’t. You don’t want to be in the heat of the moment and not know if something is okay, or to have to stop and ask permission.

Or worse, you could do something that offends your partner or makes them uncomfortable without knowing beforehand whether that particular action was okay or not. Sit down with your partner and really go over what you feel is okay during a swinging session and what is off limits. You’ll both be happier in the end that you agreed on the details before you started swinging.

Find A Couple That Matches Your Style

It is just as important to find a couple into swinging that shares your same interests as it is to talk about swinging first. If you’re new to swinging, you might try to find a couple that is also new to swinging, or at least find a couple that is sensitive to those trying it for the first time.

Find a couple that you can talk to about what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, and how to handle things as they arise. You’ll need to be able to communicate both between each other as well as with the members of the other couple, so make sure you find a couple that you’re comfortable talking to!

Above all, you need to talk to your partner. Talk and talk some more!  You can make swinging much easier and much more comfortable for you both to get into if you’re both on the same page when it comes to what is okay and what isn’t. Talk to each other as you experience swinging as well – as long as you keep the lines of communication open between everyone involved, you can set yourself up for fun and exciting swinging.

How Do I Get Past My First Time Swinger Fears?

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Many couples, especially those who have been together for a long time, are interested in swinging.  If you and your partner find yourselves interested in swinging, take heart.

It’s totally normal and healthy to want to experience your sexuality outside of your current relationship.

It’s also normal to be scared. There are a lot of ways that swinging can go wrong, especially if it’s something you’ve never done before.  How can you get over your fears?  Is swinging right for you?

Make sure swinging is right for you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband wants to start swinging, I would like too also but I was a virgin when we met at 15yrs old… and now 37yrs old to be with another man seems so weird and scary. How do I get past my nerves and fears?

– Sandy, Las Vegas

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwkYHMdQn7w[/youtube]

Making sure swinging is right for you

Swinging isn’t right for every couple. If the idea of swinging makes you and your partner feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, it’s certainly not something you have to force yourself to do.  If you and your partner are, however, interested in swinging, there are a few things you need to look at first before taking the plunge.

Are you both interested in swinging or is one partner pushing the other to do it?  If both partners aren’t equally interested in swinging, it could make for a disaster later on down the road when you’ve met up with another couple.  Talk to each other and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Is your relationship based on a solid foundation?  If it is, you have more of a chance of successfully swinging.  If your relationship has trust issues or self esteem issues embedded deep  within, you might end up making things worse for yourselves.  If you have issues, work them out before you start swinging.

Take it slowly.

If you and your partner have decided to swing, but never have before, it’s important to take things slowly — very slowly!  Jumping in to a full on swinging session when you’re not even familiar with the situation can make one or both partners feel very uncomfortable.

Start slow so you and your partner can really get a feel for what swinging is like, without having to jump in right away.  Visit swinging clubs in your area just to watch, or get on a swinging website to ask questions and get to know real couples who like to swing.

If you’re uncomfortable at all, say so!

You can use a code word with your partner or you can simply whisper in their ear, but if you’re uncomfortable it’s important that you speak up right then!  There’s no sense in letting something that makes you uncomfortable go on and on and then getting mad about it later. That will most certainly ruin swinging for both you and your partner.

If you know beforehand what types of activities will make you uncomfortable, make it known before you take the plunge into swinging. That way things that make you uncomfortable can be avoided.

All in all, swinging can be a lot of fun if it’s done with the right couple, if your relationship is strong and if you feel confident enough to voice your concerns if something doesn’t feel right to you.  You can set yourself up for swinging success and get over your fears by taking it slow and not doing anything that would put you in a compromising position.

Just relax and have fun, and you’ll be surprised where swinging with your partner can take you!

How Do We know If An Open Marriage Is Right For Us?

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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBlZG4P7F24[/youtube]Open marriages – are they always a bad idea?  Are they ever a good idea?  Every individual and every couple is different.  What an open marriage means to one couple may mean something entirely different to another.

Many things come into play when you start thinking about sharing your partner with someone else – and there’s lots of room for hurt feelings, jealousy and even feelings for the outside partner.

How can you sort out whether or not having an open marriage is a good idea for you and your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m married, have a child and pregnant with second. My husband introduce the idea of “Open Marriage”. I do not see signs of him cheating so this is not an excuse for him to seek affairs. I started to have straying thoughts lately, because of my unsatisfied sex life and a cute male co-worker. He is not the player type but he fell for me and he struggles like me.

If no one is happy in this situation, would the open marriage thing really be the cure? Is it worth it adjusting my personal views on open marriage? What do I do if I fall in love with the new guy but he is not as good as my husband in terms of being a dad? What do I say to my kids one day? I feel so bad, and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

— Jane, California

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBlZG4P7F24[/youtube]

How to know if an open marriage is right for you

First of all, it’s pretty much a known fact (or at least an unspoken one) that open marriages are exclusively for relationships that are strong.  Real strong.  Does that mean that people always abide by that?  Of course not!

Many people feel that an open relationship could possibly “fix” problems in a marriage or if they are bored or drifting apart that seeing other people (in addition to their relationship) is the answer.  This is far from the truth – in the majority of relationships that are on the rocks, deciding to have an open marriage ends up making things much, much worse.

You should only consider having an open marriage if you and your partner are extremely happy with each other, and your relationship is strong.  “Swinging” or an open marriage can definitely spice things up.

Part of finding out if your marriage is strong enough to handle an open relationship is asking yourself some difficult questions.  Why are you thinking about an open marriage?  Is your partner the one suggesting it?  Why do you think they are bringing it up?  If the answers to those questions are “sex” then you’re probably on the right track.

Open marriages and swinging are really all about experiencing a new level of sexual awareness that you and your partner have never had before.  It can be fun and exciting when the motives are purely sexual and there are no emotions involved.

When an open marriage is a bad idea

If your answers to those questions gravitate more towards the fact that you and your partner are looking to fill an emotional void that your current partner isn’t filling, you’re headed into dangerous waters.  That’s when you need to sit down and really think about your current relationship – are you and your partner really happy together?

If not, it’s something you need to work out before you and your partner start seeing other people in an open marriage.

Generally, if you and your partner are seeking an open relationship for healthy, sexual reasons and not because you’re unhappy with the other, you’re fine to try an open marriage.

If you find that you and your partner are unhappy with each other or unhappy with your marriage, an open relationship will really rock the boat and you’re much better off working to make your current marriage healthy or going your separate ways.

If having an open marriage is really what you and your partner want, then go for it.  Just make sure that you and your partner are completely open and honest with each other.  Talk to each other about your experiences and feelings about each other and about the situation.  Play it safe and play it smart sexually and you and your partner may end up growing closer together.