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Swinger Swap Gone Wrong! Can We Recover?

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You’ve made the jump into swinging. Congratulations! It takes a lot of courage to make the foray into swinging.

There’s a reason for that though. Swinging doesn’t always work the way we hope it to.

What do you do when swinging goes wrong? What happens if there’s a rift between you and your partner after swinging? What do you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband got quite close to his client. They eventually became attracted to each other. All 4 of us became close socially. Eventually we began to talk about a swap. We went on a short holiday. Both of them were very close and comfy with each other. Her husband and I were not and the situation got very uncomfortable. Nothing happened between any of the couples. But our marriages have been affected. My husband is still close to her. And each day my emotions drive me crazy. We still go out as friends. But one day I’m ok with it, and another day I’m hurt that he puts her before me. I feel that her husband also goes thru what I’m going thru. It’s destroying me. What should I do?

— Samantha, Uganda

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fbl73MXEAZ0[/youtube]

Swinging Gone Wrong

Most of the time, when swinging goes wrong it’s a jealousy issue. This can happen before you actually have sex, during or after. Even if your partner is just spending time with another person while you’re spending time with someone else as well, it can lead to jealousy and hurt feelings. This can be especially difficult to deal with if your foray into swinging isn’t as successful as your partner’s. You may feel left out or forgotten about.

If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, relax. They’re all normal feelings. Swinging isn’t for everyone and it may have taken a step in that direction for you to realize that swinging isn’t for you. Don’t dismiss your feelings because you think you “shouldn’t” have them, or that you “brought them on yourself” because you agreed to the swinging in the first place.

You reserve the right to change your mind about swinging at any point in time, any place, anywhere. If swinging starts making you feel uncomfortable, even if it didn’t at first, it’s perfectly fine to change your mind and stop the swinging.

Going In Reverse

If you’ve had a not so good experience with swinging, you have every right to put a stop to it. That may prevent any hurt feelings in the future, but what about the hurt you’re harboring now? Is your relationship doomed to failure now that you’ve introduced swinging into your lives?

Not necessarily

Your relationship is only going to be doomed if you let it. If you’re feeling hurt and upset about the swinging, it’s important that you talk to your partner about it. Let them know how you’re feeling without blaming your partner and without being critical. Talk about what happened and when you’re done talking, talk some more! Be open and honest in your communication.

The number one reason that swinging ends up destroying relationships is because one or both partners don’t communicate with each other. They’re not on the same page and they stay that way, because no one speaks up. Discuss with your partner what hurt you and find out what went wrong. Is there a way that it could be prevented in the future, should you decide to swing again?

By being on the same page as your partner and talking to each other about what went wrong with the swinging, you can begin to heal those hurt feelings. You can put the feelings of jealousy aside as your partner reassures you and together you can work to put aside what happened and begin to strengthen your relationship.

With open and honest communication, you can keep a bad swinging experience from ruining your relationship with your partner. If you decide never to swing again, that’s your prerogative. It’s important to understand that swinging isn’t for everyone and as long as you and your partner are open with each other, you can both come out having learned a lot!

Do You Have What it Takes to Be Swingers?

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If you’re looking to spice up your sex life, you might be looking into swinging. Swinging with a third person or even another couple can bring a new aspect of fun and excitement into your sex life that you never thought possible.

Some couples aren’t ready for swinging. You have to be comfortable, confident and above all, open and honest with each other. Do you have what it takes to be swingers?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a huge dilemma. My wife and I are very sexual, and have discussed at length our interest in the swinging lifestyle. We are both dying to explore the beginning stages, but have a problem. Besides being totally inexperienced, we are not physically fit and although we are very fun and engaging and have a lot of social adventures, we feel too uncomfortable to approach others. We want to watch real people have sex in front of us, but not participate.

Is there an outlet for this with real people? I know it’s hypocritical, but we would like to see attractive people, and people we connect with emotionally, but we don’t feel we have what it takes to get others to want to share themselves with us. What should we do?

— Jay, NC

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cBvglPB9lE[/youtube]

Being Comfortable With Yourself

Swingers come in all shapes, sizes and colors. The swingers you see in pornography and on television shows aren’t the only swingers out there in real life. Swingers can be anyone, your frumpy next door neighbors or even your bald boss. You’re going to find a great mix of people from all walks of life when you start exploring swinging.

You may feel that you’re not attractive enough to swing, or that no other couple is going to be interested in what you have to offer. That’s not true! It takes time and effort to find another person or couple that you’re compatible with, but that doesn’t mean you never will.

The first step to swinging is getting comfortable with yourself. Now that you understand that swingers don’t all look like television actors and actresses, you can begin to become confident enough with yourself that you aren’t worried about what you look like or what other people look like.

You can always change your physical appearance. You can lose weight, tone up, even dye your hair. Why do that, though? If you’re not confident with you, the swinging life is going to fizzle fast. Learn to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like, and realize that you’re attractive to your partner and you’re going to be attractive to others as well.

Getting Your Feet Wet

You don’t have to start swinging immediately when you start working yourself into that lifestyle. If you find a couple you’re attracted to and vice versa and you want to jump in, go ahead. Many people, however, just want to get their feet wet at first. You can do this a number of ways.

Believe it or not, there are a great number of “swingers clubs” all over the country. Some are simply clubs that allow swingers to meet, while others are set up to allow for sex on the premises.

Either way, they’re a great way to get involved in swinging. Whether you’re watching someone have sex or someone’s watching you have sex, you can find out how you feel about swinging without actually going through with it! Plus, you can meet some great couples and friends.

You can also find websites that are similar to dating websites, but they’re designed for swingers. You can post a profile and photos as well as browse other profiles and photos. It’s a great way to meet swingers, get yourself introduced and get to know them.

Just don’t forget to take it offline when you’re ready. You can’t have a swinging relationship exclusively on the computer! With a great, confident attitude, an open and honest relationship with your partner, and an unbiased look on meeting swingers and getting to know them, you have exactly what it takes to be a swinger!

Thinking of Having a Threesome? Why Not Make It A Foursome…

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You and your partner have decided to have a threesome. You may even have someone in mind that you and your partner have both agreed on.

If you’re about to take the plunge into the world of multiple partner sex, you may have a few questions on how to do it safely.

Congratulations! Not everyone has safety on their mind before having a threesome. Here are some great ways to have safety in numbers.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Just wanted to say I think it is great what you two do.  My question is my girlfriend and I want to have a threesome with another female and we have one lined up. I know to use a condom but what about oral and other kinds of play? We don’t want to come home with some kind of STD.

Do you have any advice for protection?

– John, CA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3yXco6t9ag[/youtube]

Getting Tested

The first and foremost thing you should do if you’re planning to have a threesome is get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. All parties involved should have this done.

Your doctor can do this for you, or a local health department can. Have the clinic print something for you that shows your STD status and let all parties involved have a look. This is truly the best way to avoid contracting sexually transmitted diseases when having a threesome.

Sometimes, a threesome is not monogamous and this can substantially shake things up. If you can’t secure a regular threesome partner or if it’s not just a one time thing, you’ll want to take extra safety precautions.

Stepping Up The Safety Factor

– Use latex condoms, or condoms from another material if someone is allergic to latex. Female condoms are great too. Use condoms during sexual intercourse, anal sex and even during oral sex and hand to penis stimulation. While this may not sound enticing, make sure you have a bottle of lubricant with you. Lubricant can go a long way to making latex feel more natural and pleasurable.

– Use latex or vinyl gloves. If you’re going do be doing any play with your hands that involves touching the penis, vagina or anus, protect your hands and their genitals by using latex gloves or gloves of another material.

– Use dental dams or at the very least, plastic wrap when giving a woman oral sex. These both work well to protect the mouth from any vaginal secretions. The trick to using dental dams or plastic wrap is putting a few drops of lubricant on the underside of the plastic square (the side that faces the vagina) and leaving the side that faces the mouth clean. This will help increase the pleasure of oral sex.

These things aren’t going to keep you from contracting every sexually transmitted disease on the planet, but it will reduce your risk of exposure a great deal. Remember that pubic lice, scabies, genital herpes and genital warts can all be spread by skin to skin contact.

Even if you’re wearing a condom, if there’s a genital sore on the upper part of the genitals and this is something you come into contact with, you run the risk of contracting the STD.

Communication

It is essential that you communicate frequently with all parties that are to be involved in the threesome. Talk before the threesome, during and even after. Address what actions are acceptable and what aren’t. Stick to these guidelines during the threesome. Don’t put anyone in a position where they could possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease just for your own pleasure.

Keeping the lines of communication open can seem awkward, but it is essential for a successful threesome. If you’re smart and safe, you and your partner can have a great time with your new partner.

Hey, Are You Guys Swingers?

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We have heard so many stories about couples that were confronted or “outed” by friends, family or co-workers about their “lifestyle” and they simply didn’t know what to say. Caught off guard, they stumbled, mumbled and bumbled through their explanation, leaving little or no doubt that they were indeed “Swingers”.

“If my (mother, boss, kids, etc…) knew what we do… they’d disown us! It would be a disaster!”

We have heard it 1,000 times. Interestingly, in most instances the opposite is the case. A countless number of couples have told us that when their family and friends did find out, things actually got better, not worse.

Coming Clean

In our case, Tess thought her conservative family would freak out if they discovered our personal lives (and our lifestyle related business!). Then, one New Year’s Day, we awoke to a phone call from her mom. Still groggy, Tess stepped over several of our naked friends, still sleeping from the house party the night before, and answered the phone.

After a quick “Happy New Year!”, her mom got right to the point – “Do you throw sex parties?” Stunned, Tess sunk into a chair and started to explain our “lifestyle” convention business and the rest of our “lifestyle” in more depth. Her mom didn’t say much and only asked a few questions, allowing Tess to fully explain, that morning, the secret part of our lives we had been living over the past 13 years.

…her mom got right to the point –
“Do you throw sex parties?”

When she thought she was finished, she braced for the onslaught she always knew would come her way, if or when her family found out. After a brief (but excruciating) moment of silence, her mom finally said, “Now everything makes sense.”

Apparently her mom had held a grudge for years, because she’d hear we were going to Jamaica, Mexico, Las Vegas, Miami, Chicago, Toronto, etc… She couldn’t figure out why we didn’t have more time to visit her while having plenty of time to vacation all around the world. Once she found out that these trips were actually business trips, she was more understanding. As a result, Tess and her mom grew closer.

I attribute a lot of that to simple communication. Once that weight was lifted from Tess’ shoulders, she and her mom talked a lot more often, and openly. We ended up visiting her more frequently. Her mom still doesn’t really understand why we would be interested in a “lifestyle” like ours, but I can tell you that she respects us both more now than before our secret came out.

More People Should Be Open

I wish more people could be open about their lifestyle choices and be accepted for who they are. I think many people are more accepting than we give them credit for. I think that many of our friends would accept us if they knew more about our lifestyle and I think some might even join us at a party or look into it themselves.

I’m not naive enough to think that every swinger would experience the same reaction from their family, friends or co-workers. I know some couples who have had their families petition courts for child custody, who have lost their jobs or, in extreme cases, have had criminal charges filed against them. It isn’t always rosy out there in the real world.

So what do you do when you think that someone would create a problem for you if they found out? You have to be prepared with your answers before you are confronted. What if you go to a swing club one weekend with your partner and then on Monday someone asks you both, “So what did you two do this weekend?” One of you blurts our “We went skiing” while the other one simultaneously says “We stayed home all weekend”… Busted!

The Swinger’s Alibi

You have to get your stories together before getting into that compromising situation. If you spent a week at Hedonism III Resort in Jamaica, you could jump out of the bus at Breezes for a few minutes to snap some pictures that you can show to your friends and family when you get home. You could buy a couple of postcards or T-shirts in the gift shop. Make sure you get a brochure so you can at least familiarize yourself with the photos of the property.

Better yet, tell them you bought the Superclubs “Superselect” package. It allows you to book at a super low rate and then Superclubs will randomly send you to one of their resorts once you land in Jamaica. You can then explain how shocked you were when they told you you had been chosen to go to Hedonism III instead of Grand Lido or Breezes.

This is a good way to admit to being at Hedo without it being your choice. It is also a good way to explain that Hedonism really wasn’t that crazy and that you were able to enjoy yourself on the “prude” side all week. You could even say how surprised you were by how nice and normal all the other guests at Hedo were… If they only knew!!!

Keeping Your Private Life Private

The main point is to have a clear and detailed story to fall back on. You are just trying to keep your private life private. But if a friend or family member thinks you’re not telling the truth, they are going to wonder what you are hiding. A boss might put up red flags that could hurt your performance reviews or advancement opportunities. The more organized you are as a team, the less questions you’ll have to field.

The “Shaggy” Defense

What happens if you are caught red handed? Just take a lesson from Shaggy (the hip-hop artist, not Scooby-Doo’s pal).

We knew a couple that had checked in a few days early for one of our lifestyle conventions. They were eager to see New Orleans and wanted to spend a few days sightseeing before the party got started. Unfortunately for them, a co-worker saw them driving up to the hotel check in.

They ran into the co-worker the following week. Here is how the conversation went:

Co-worker: “Hey, we saw you driving up to the Holiday Inn in New Orleans last week. Did you know they were having a swingers convention there?”

Couple: “It wasn’t me.”

Co-worker: “Yes, I saw you guys, you were in your new white SUV.”

Couple: “It wasn’t me”

Co-worker: “But I saw your dog, Angel, sitting on your lap. It had to be you.”

Couple: “It wasn’t me.”

You get the picture. Eventually, the co-worker actually believed he must have been seeing things. He was positive it was them, but it couldn’t have been if they were so adamant that they weren’t there. Sometimes those eyes do play tricks on us.

Those are three basic ways to handle unexpected questions. You can just admit to being a swinger and deal with the repercussions, you can come up with an alibi and keep your life private or you can simply deny, deny, deny.

Always be prepared for the unexpected moment when you have to decide on which avenue you are going to take. Stumbling, mumbling and bumbling through your answer will only make it obvious to everyone that you are indeed swingers.

Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” Strategy in Action
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g5Hz17C4is[/youtube]

Brought to you by Kasidie Swinger Lifestyle Magazine. To find swinger sex partners in your area, check out our favorite adult personals website.

Virgin Male Swinger – Are My First Time Fears Normal?

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What guy hasn’t fantasized about a threesome?

Even married guys have the occasional “swinging” wet dream now and then.

However, facing the realities of actually sharing the love of your life with another man or woman for the first time gives rise to questions and insecurities that were never there before. How do you deal with them in a way that satisfies both partners?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve fallen deeply in love with the woman of my dreams who happens to be bisexual but also an experienced swinger. I myself have fantasized about such things but have little experience. I am confused by my emotions of seeing my lady with another man. Although I am not bi I’m willing to experiment with another male for her, and its a funny thing that this causes less stress then seeing her with another man. I have no fear of sharing another woman with her, so why should sharing another man with her cause such worry? But it’s in the past why should it matter now? Is this a common fear for virgin male swingers like myself?

–Ric, London

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsdjBGmkbe4[/youtube]

Common First Time Swinger Concerns

If you find yourself in this situation for the first time, take a deep breath and relax. Really examine your feelings about swinging in general as well as your feelings about swinging with your current partner. Are you experiencing feelings of jealousy or insecurity?

These feelings are extremely normal when it comes to swinging for the first time, but it’s important to carefully consider each emotion and where it is coming from. If you’re insecure about your body, what can be done to make you feel better about yourself?

Do you have deeper seated jealousy issues that reflect feelings of ownership and control over your partner? You might not like the answers to these questions, but now is the time to be brutally honest with yourself.

Talk About It With Your Partner

It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but it’s important to chat a bit about what each of you are feeling before you take the swinging plunge. Are you concerned that your partner has done it before in the past? Are you unsure of how you’ll feel after the fact?

Take time to listen to what each of you has to say. Now is not the time to hold back feelings, emotions, ideas or opinions. If you don’t voice what you are thinking now, it most certainly will come back to haunt you after the fact. Perhaps you can come to an agreement about the how, when and where the swinging will take place – and most important of all, with whom.

Many experienced swingers caution against swinging with close friends, as feelings of jealousy, rage and insecurity can rip apart a friendship faster than a kid opening presents at Christmas.

Try It

The only way to be sure of how swinging will affect your relationship is to actually do it. That doesn’t mean you have to, but keep in mind that you will never know until you know.

After talking about the situation with your partner, you may have come to an agreement with them about swinging.If you feel that your relationship is strong enough to survive the possible outcomes of swinging, absolutely go for it. It might be more fun than you thought.

Just make sure that if you and your partner have set guidelines for each other, make sure to follow them to a T, even when you’re in the heat of the moment.

More importantly, discuss how you felt during the swinging with your partner afterwards. Were you uncomfortable? Were you unable to concentrate on pleasure because you were so overwhelmed with emotions?

If that’s the case, consider putting swinging on the shelf. If you were both comfortable with the situation and swinging was pleasurable for each partner, it may be something that you do on occasion. Just remember – what works for other couples might not work for you and vice versa. Stick with what is successful for your relationship because ultimately, it’s yours.