For women, talking to men can be difficult and intimidating. Since men and women are on different levels, sometimes it can feel like you’re not getting through to your partner and vice versa.
When talking to men, there is really one thing that women should know, and it will make your life a lot easier!
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
My husband and I are having trouble communicating. It’s like we’re on two different pages? How can I communicate with my husband before our relationship goes down the drain?
–Sandy, Virginia
The Power Of Touch
From a very early age, men aren’t held or touched often by other people. As sad as that is, it is that way in many different cultures. Men are brought up not to “need” touch and to be “manly.”
You can, however, use this to your advantage if you’re trying to get through to a man when talking to him.
Simply touch him. Touch his shoulder or rest your hand on top of his when you’re speaking to him. You’ll automatically grab his attention and put his focus on you, so he can really listen to what you’re saying to him.
Using Feeling Words
Men often have trouble discussing their feelings. It’s not that they don’t feel. Quite the opposite.
In reality, men just have trouble describing their feelings in a way that other people understand. They simply cannot tell someone that they’re feeling “uncomfortable” or “hurt,” because their brains aren’t hardwired that way.
You can help your partner to communicate by giving them the words to use. You can say something to the effect of “I think you felt uncomfortable when that happened” or “I think when this happened, it made you happy.”
Giving your partner the words to use to describe what is going on inside him will help him not only to understand how he is feeling, but to communicate that as well.
Avoid Placing Blame
One of the biggest ways to communicate effectively with your partner is to avoid placing blame. We all do it, but unfortunately, it is the fastest way to escalate a disagreement or even a conversation into a complete and total argument or worse, a blowout.
Even if you’re not trying to place blame, the tone of your voice and the words you use can work against you and make your partner become defensive, even if that’s not what you were trying to do at all.
It’s important that when you communicate with your partner that you choose your words wisely and try hard not to place blame. Don’t start a sentence with “You…,” especially if it will end up coming out “You never,” or “You always” or “You did this….”
Those can send a man into an immediate defensive mode and really take a simple conversation or disagreement over a matter into something else entirely. Use other words that have less negative connotations, such as, “When this happened, it made me feel like this,” or “I felt like that when that happened.”
This allows you to express your feelings about a situation without placing blame on your partner, avoiding causing him to get defensive right off the bat.
Effective communication is not something you’re born with – it’s something you must learn, and it’s different for every person and every partner. Experiment with different ways of communicating your feelings to your partner and find out the ways that work best. Eventually, you and your partner will develop your own style of communication that works best for you.