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Relationship Advice: Help! I’m Addicted To Drama!

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A relationship should be a safe zone for you – but what if it’s not? What if your relationship is nothing but fighting? What if YOU’RE the one starting it?

My boyfriend and I are in an endless cycle of fighting and making up. My friends say I should dump him, but I’m addicted to the push/pull. I want to note that our fighting doesn’t include anything physical – we’re just into arguing. What should I do?

What She Said:

The big question here is: Are you happy? Only you can make that call, but a constant cycle of fighting and making up sounds pretty exhausting to me. It also sounds like it might be tiring your friends out as well, if they’re so well-versed on the subject that they’re to the point of offering opinions on your relationship.

We’ve all had those relationships that weren’t quite a match, yet were hard to let go of nonetheless. Nothing to be ashamed of there, that’s how you learn! You have to ask yourself what you want for the long term – is the tension of wondering when the next fight will happen really beneficial to your quality of life? Some people do get off on arguing because of the popular assumption that it leads to hot makeup sex. If that’s your trip, you might want to find another (healthier) way to rev up the engines.

The push and pull can be quite seductive. By engaging in this behavior, the two of you are constantly stirring up a fight in order to ultimately confirm that you do want each other. But I have a secret – there is an easier way. Think about how life would be with someone who loved you unconditionally, someone who told you how he felt without a fight. That reality exists and it’s a lot of fun. Now there’s something to think about!

What He Said:

What is it with chicks and fighting? I know, guys date crazy chicks too, but I think it’s different for women. Ever watch a soap opera? Ever see ANY happy well adjusted people on those shows? Hell no! Everyone on those shows are bat-shit crazy and are producing tons of tension. I think women like the unpredictability of it.

It doesn’t matter what we think you should do. You’ve already made your decision. You like the adrenaline rush from a fight. Why? I have no clue. But you like it, so you might as well just get used to everyone saying you’re in a dead end, soul crushing relationship for a simple reason: you are in a dead end, soul crushing relationship, but apparently you’re into that thing for some damn reason. So since you don’t seem interested in coming to your senses and finding a guy who worships, loves, cherishes and adores you (because really, who need that anyway?) you’re going to be stuck in this rut no matter who you date. Different dick, same story.

My Wife Spends More Time With Her Friends Than Me!

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Marriage is a partnership between two great friends – but what happens when your marriage gets less time than her best girls do?

My wife seems to be way more interested in the well being of her girlfriends over me. It’s kind of to the point where I’m wondering if she’s more interested sexually, given the amount of time she spends with them. What gives?

What She Said:

Have you reached out to your wife lately? It sounds like she might be taking solace in the company of her girlfriends. It is possible to feel lonely, even in a marriage. You’ve mentioned that she doesn’t seem very interested in your well being. Have you flipped the script and asked yourself if you’ve shown interest in her happiness as of late? If you said “no,” that might be the answer to your question.

Bring In The Romance

Of course the responsibility is not all on you. You obviously have a valid concern, regardless of the cause. You’re feeling alienated by your wife, and that’s not good. Given that you’ve included sex in the mix, I’m assuming that intimacy with your partner is not up to par. Have you tried a little romance? A fun date night might be a good start to getting things going again.

Communication is key, especially in this situation. You need to sit down and have an honest talk with your wife, ASAP. You’re going to have to be blunt and let her know your concerns. If she let’s you know everything is fine, but she’s also been feeling the distance, be sure to start scheduling time together. Make your marriage a priority again. If she reveals that she does indeed have sexual feelings for women, it’s time to let her go. You’ll both be happier in the long run being who you truly are. Good luck!

What He Said:

Unless your wife has always been like this something changed. It didn’t just happen. She may not be happy at work, or something. Most likely in these situations, it’s that the guy she’s with started phoning it in.

Think back to a time in the relationship when things were working like you wanted them to. Compare that to now. Are you spending as much time with her? Are one or both of you more stressed out? Are you doing the same things for her now as you were then? My guess is probably not.

Decoding A Woman’s Desire For Sex

So, start doing them. Try and do them without the expectation of the sex. She’s out of the mood and been that way for a while. She may have to readjust to the new attention, but it will happen. Ironically, she will want to have sex with you right after she comes to the conclusion that you’re not giving her this attention because you want to get laid. Women are sneaky like that. Once she feels that you’re giving her this added attention because you legitimately care about her and want to shower her with it, that’s when the booty usually picks up.

Again, I know. It doesn’t make sense, and it’s counterintuitive. But that’s the way it works. Just try it. Give it like a month. Or two weeks at least. If it doesn’t work, punch me. I know it will work, which is why I can say that. Just try it. You have nothing to lose.

Is He Ready For A Serious Relationship?

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Dating is fun, but sometimes you want to move on to something more committed. How can you tell if your partner is ready to move past the dating phase?

I’m dating this amazing guy. But I’m the first girl he’s dated seriously since his last serious relationship ended. I want a future with him, and I’m ready to open myself up and give my heart to him, but I want to be sure. How do I know I’m not his rebound girl?

What She Said:

Beware of “Ghost Sex!” He may like you; or he could mentally be placing his ex-girlfriend’s face on your body and going to town. Sorry to sound so crass – but the old adage, “The best way to get over someone is get under someone” is often true. I’m sure he enjoys your company; but the fact is, depending on how recent the breakup, your presence might just be keeping him warm until his heart has healed.

Are You A Rebound?

How to spot a rebound? Be honest with yourself. Does he talk about her a lot? Are there still pictures everywhere? Does he seem angry or flinch if her name is brought up? If so, chances are his mind is still on the relationship and not in the present with you. If it was a long-term relationship, his penis will most likely be ready to move on before his heart. If you’re looking for sex and nothing more, this can be a fun time for both of you. If you’re hooked on this guy, stay away until he’s had time to sort things out.

Honestly, if I’m into a guy, my rule of thumb is to not be the first girl he’s with after a serious relationship. I find that you’re usually dealing with the fallout of the past and not the good stuff. Even guys need time to work through their feelings – whether they show it or not. It’d be great to move on as if nothing ever happened – but the hurt is there somewhere, and it will find a way to come out.

Getting His Mind On YOU

You’re worth 100% of his attention. Again, if you’re looking for a fling, this is a fine time to get some no strings attached lovin’. But, given that you’re bummed out, I’d cool it with this guy. Chances are if you set your boundaries and treat yourself with respect, it’ll be you and not his ex he’s thinking about in no time.

What He Said:

I feel really old, because I thought “Ghost Sex” involved Whoopi Goldberg, Demi Moore, and Patrick Swayze. Nevertheless, I am undaunted and proudly declare “Ghost Sex” to be my new favorite word and hereby dedicate the remainder of my existence to the gratuitous use of the term until it gets old for me (hint: it won’t. I’m like a five year old.)

Here’s a thought: if you haven’t met his friends, or if he doesn’t spend money on you or if you only meet in the backseat of his car, then well, you’re just for fun. You really need to figure out how long it’s been since the end of his last serious relationship and how serious was it (marriage, living together, etc) and how messy or amicable was the break up.

Trust Your Gut Feelings

Recovery time is a tricky thing. Everyone heals from injury at different speeds, so he may be ready for another relationship right away. Or maybe not. And he may not know where he’s at in that process. So go with your gut if it feels right, then it is. If it doesn’t, well…it’s time to cut the cord.

Jealousy Controls Me! How Can I Change It?

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Jealousy is something that everyone experiences at one time or another. But if it overrides you and affects your relationships, you’ve got to stop. But how?

I’m the jealous type. Big time. It affects everything. Friendships, relationships, you name it. I don’t want to be this way. What do I do?

What She Said:

It’s normal to feel pangs of jealousy, but it sounds like you’re suffering from more than an occasional twinge. The good news is that this problem is actually a great opportunity for you to examine your own life!

While you’re at it, be sure to show your friends some gratitude. They obviously love you and are supporting you while you go through this painful period.

What It Really Is

Jealousy is really an outgrowth of fear – fear there’s not enough to go around and that you won’t get a piece of what is available. It’s a belief in lack – lack of opportunity, money or love. Jealousy is also usually a sign that you’re not following your dreams. If you’re sated in your life, there’s no call for ill will when others are happy with theirs.

What makes you feel jealous when you get together with your friends? Is someone glowing because her love life is going swimmingly? Do you envy your pal’s promotion? Is someone raving about getting to decorate her new fab pad? Whatever it may be, note it – these are your triggers, as well as your clues.

Using A Journal

Start to journal after you meet with your friends. Notice what makes you cringe. Now sit back and go over this list. These are the things most likely missing from your life. There’s an easy fix – now that you know what’s bumming you out, you can take control and start working on getting these things for yourself. There’s actually more than enough to go around! Celebrate with (and for) your friends, knowing that you can (and will) have a wonderful life as well. Once you take chances and create a fuller life for yourself, odds are that you can vanquish that painful feeling.

What He Said:

Focus on what you do have, and not what you don’t. If you don’t have a lover, partner, or anyone to have sex with, go out and get one! Don’t hang around your house moping over not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Why would you continue to devote time and energy to perpetuating a cycle that gets you a huge serving of deep fried nothing? Where’s the upside in that? (Stop looking, grasshopper. I’ll save you the trip. You can’t find it. Because it doesn’t exist. Yeah, I know. Shocker. In other news, water is wet. Film at 11.)

The next step is to realize that your current pattern isn’t helping. Life isn’t about what’s fair, it’s about what works. Why would you keep doing something that isn’t working? No real reason. It’s just a habit, and you’re in it.

Breaking The Habit

The next step is to realize that this is a habit that you created and you can break. So break it. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but realize that you can break it and it will happen if you are dedicated and consistent on your path. If nothing else, just start by doing the exact opposite of what you normally would. That will help enormously.

Give yourself permission to move into this new space because your success is guaranteed if you don’t quit and continue to do the work. Enjoy!

Online Dating: How To Pimp A Guy’s Profile

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Online dating requires a catchy profile to be successful. Here’s how to make one that gets the ladies’ attention.

I’m a guy trying online dating. It’s not working for me. What can I do to pimp my profile?

What She Said:

I’m a throwback to the olden (golden) days when I saw a guy in a club, batted my eyelashes and waited him for to come over and chat me up. And now I’m a married lady who doesn’t need that, so I’m relatively unfamiliar with the online dating world. But, that’s me and this is about you!

How to pimp your online dating profile? Think like the gender you’re trying to attract. For example: if you want to attract girls, you might want to put things in your profile that appeal to them. This doesn’t mean resorting to schmaltzy “I like puppies and long walks on the beach.” It does mean truthfully highlighting qualities you think a date might enjoy. Are you a foodie? Mention your love of fine dining and a few of your favorite restaurants. Are you game to watch a romantic comedy or two? Throw out your favorite titles – don’t be afraid!

Humor is also a great approach. Showing a sense of fun means you’re at ease with yourself and that you’re open and relaxed. Dating can be stressful enough – no need to take it (or yourself) too seriously!

What sets you apart? Your unique interests will not only stand out, they might also help you nab the perfect date. The key is to be honest. I know honesty and the Internet don’t necessarily go hand in hand – but this is your life. Assuming you’re truly looking for a date and not a booty call, telling the truth will help steer someone your direction who has the potential to be your perfect match.

What He Said

It comes down to this: if you want a 10, why should she choose you? She’s got tons of options. She’s obviously not into the bar thing, because if she was, she wouldn’t be online. You’re selling a product, and that product is you. But if you look at effective marketing campaigns, they don’t sell a product, they sell a feeling. How is this product going to make me feel if I buy it? That’s essentially what your ad should convey. You shouldn’t lie. You shouldn’t embellish. You shouldn’t be yourself. You should be your best, most confident self.

Be who you are and be proud and let them get an accurate picture of who and what you are. Be funny, be fun. You can’t really make anyone choose you. But you can make an incredibly compelling offer that anyone in their right mind would be unable to refuse.

How will you know if you’ve done that? Well, if you get emails and dates, etc. If you email a bunch of women and your emails get crickets in response, then you need to do something different. Continue to experiment until you have found the desired result. And be patient. That might take a while. And don’t take anything personally. It’s not like they’re rejecting you, they’re rejecting a representation of you. And if that representation isn’t working, just change it and continue to tweak until it does.