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Is My Girlfriend Using Me Or Is Her Love Real?

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Usually it’s the other way around, but sometimes a man will be ready for a steady relationship and his girlfriend begins pulling away.

It can be confusing if you’ve started staying the night with your girlfriend or even taken the relationship to another level

when your girlfriend starts to pull away and act as though you and she are still in the beginning phase of the relationship.

What does it mean when a woman starts to pull away? What should you do if you’re ready for commitment and she’s not?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I started talking to this girl and we hooked up. Things escalated rather quickly and ended up with me staying with her. She dropped hints that she wasn’t actually ready for a relationship and while I was away on vacation, she told me to go back to my own place. We started hanging out again and then one day she asked me to stay the night. After that I have been staying there on and off. She is also dealing with a deep seated depression. She just started taking meds for it. The other day I noticed the change in her and now she is back to pushing me away. She is confusing me and I don’t know if I am wasting my time and she is just using me so she doesn’t have to feel alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-DW, Tennessee

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbGlMLuqrso[/youtube]

She Wants To Remain Casual. . .

So you and your girlfriend have gotten quite cozy recently. Perhaps you’ve been dating a few months or more and have started staying the night at each other’s apartments or houses. Maybe you even have your own toothbrush there.

Suddenly, your girlfriend begins to pull away. She stops asking you to come over as much and perhaps she finds excuses why she can’t come over to your house. She still seems interested in the relationship, but not at the level you were once at. She seems more interested in going back to the “dating” phase. Perhaps this has happened more than once. What does it mean?

Well, it might not mean anything other than your girlfriend isn’t ready for a steady relationship – and that’s okay! Try to talk to her openly and honestly without criticism. She may very well open up to you about why she has been shying away. Often, if she doesn’t cut things off completely, she’s still interested in you but may want to take things slow.

You really won’t know the absolute truth of what’s behind her shy behavior, however, until you talk to her. Just make sure that when you do, you’re respectful of her and her right to pull away if she wants. Don’t be judgmental or critical, or she might just shut down on you and you won’t get an answer either way.

What Do You Do?

Well, sometimes there’s nothing you can do. What your girlfriend wants is up to her, and truthfully, if you want to be with her you have to respect that. If you think your relationship has the potential to go somewhere in the future and you’d like it to, go ahead and take it slow and be casual for as long as she wants to. Take the time to get to know yourself and what you want in a relationship too.

If you’re ready for commitment and she isn’t, you need to make a decision if this is the person you really want to be with. You can’t make her commit to you and you can’t make her be more than casual.

You can, however, change what you do. Tell her honestly and without criticism that you want more than just a casual relationship. If she doesn’t want to take it to the next level, or has and keeps backing away, then move on to someone who will give you what you need.

Casual relationships aren’t necessarily bad and if your girlfriend suddenly decides she wants to back down and cool off from the relationship for awhile, it doesn’t always mean the relationship is doomed.

The best thing you can do is talk with her openly and share your feelings about the situation with each other. Neither of you are mind readers, so talk to each other about what’s going on if you want to get some answers.

I’m In A Bad Marriage – Should I Stay?

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If you find yourself in a marriage that makes you unhappy, you’re not the only one. It’s a difficult situation to get through.

Do you try to make it work?  Do you try to leave, or get a divorce? Do you just leave well enough alone and try to be happy, even though you realize the rest of your life will be like that?

It can be even more difficult to sort through if you don’t have any support. Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hallo, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me recently and he never showed any guilt & never said sorry. I feel so much pain in my heart, I can’t trust him anymore, and he just goes out everyday after work to drink.  I strongly feel I need a divorce but I don’t know how I will be able to take care of my 2 kids. I don’t have a job. My friends tell me to stay until I can manage on my own but I can’t see myself surviving. I thought of having a boyfriend but I don’t seem to get any maybe coz I’m no longer attractive or I look old. I’m only 30 y.o. I hope you can get me a male friend who is a Christian too and in a bad relationship like I am who can take me in and love me for who I am.  I really want out, Please help me.

– Hellen, South Africa

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6qbaM_DOYc[/youtube]

Realize That You Have The Power To Change Things

When a person is in a bad relationship or a bad marriage for many years, they often end up feeling oppressed, down on themselves and have a huge lack of confidence. These are all things that will hinder you from changing the status quo.

You do have the power to change the status quo, if you want to.  If you decide that you’d like a divorce, or that you’d like to leave the relationship, you might want to look into counseling before you do. A counselor can help you work through the bad feelings that come with ending a relationship or marriage, and they can help you learn to love yourself again and have faith in yourself to do what needs to be done. These are all things that will help make it easier for you when you do leave.

Do What It Takes

Many people will make excuses for staying in bad relationships and bad marriages. They will often say, “I don’t have a job” or “I have kids.” People who have done this before you had many different things that made it extremely difficult for them to leave, but they did it. They did what needed to be done, such as getting a job or finding a way to support their children on their own.

You can too! If you want to leave badly enough, you have the power to find a way. Take some time and do a little research. Find out what you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and then take the initiative to do it!

Using Crutches

Some people are afraid to leave unless they have another relationship lined up, or someone to “rescue” them from the situation. If you wait for someone to rescue you, you’ll likely end up staying in your relationship or marriage forever! Going from one bad relationship to another is extremely unhealthy and you may end up worse off than you were before.

If you’re ending a marriage or relationship, especially one you’ve been in for many years, it’s important that you take time by yourself to understand what went wrong, what part you played, and to learn forgiveness. You need time by yourself to get to know yourself again!

Bottom line, you need to figure out if you’re ready to stay in this marriage and accept it for what it is or begin to move on and start your life over.

If you’re ready to do the latter, have faith in your ability to stand up for yourself and stand on your own two feet! You are a real person and can make things work if you have the drive and the initiative. If you find that you don’t have the self confidence or the trust in yourself to do what you need to do, don’t be afraid to get help!

It’s Me Or The Porn! You Choose…

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Men watch porn. It’s a fact of life.

Nevertheless, many women who are girlfriends and wives of men watching porn can feel hurt or neglected. She may even ask the man to stop watching porn… or else.

If you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone. But what do you do?

Do you let him do it and continue to feel hurt, or do you make him stop or leave him?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I watched your video ‘husband uses porn’ and it rang a bell with my situation.  My husband has used porn for years and despite having attended counseling and asking him to stop he continues, however, he insisted he’d stopped.  I recently went to bed for an afternoon nap and came downstairs to find him using porn (while I was in the house!!).  I walked out.  After lots of talking we have decided to patched things up but I feel so hurt and angry at him, I am really concerned that if I trust him again he will just continue lying to me.   I need him to stop and give our relationship and me the attention it needs. I need to know I can’t trust him not to lie to me again.  I just don’t know how to move on.

– Helen, England UK

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLkOrvYv1pA[/youtube]

Accept That Men Are Visual Creatures

The first step to dealing with a pornography issue is to realize that men are visual creatures. They often need visual stimulation to become aroused. Porn offers the perfect solution to the problem.

The only problem is, many women disapprove of porn or feel it unnecessary. It’s okay to feel hurt and neglected if you’re the wife or girlfriend of a regular porn watching guy. But you should know that your regular porn watching guy is just a regular guy! All guys watch porn.

Accept your feelings and talk to your partner so he can accept your feelings as well, but you need to know that his pension for pornography does not make him a bad person, nor is he wrong for wanting to watch it.

Pinpoint the Issue

Does your partner watch pornography when you’re away and he’s not able to have sex with you? Possibly while you’re asleep or away on business? Or does your partner watch pornography all the time, while refusing to have sex with you?

This is your key to discovering a problem, if there is one. If you and your partner have a healthy sex life and he just happens to watch porn in addition to his sex with you, that’s perfectly fine! If you find that your partner would rather watch porn than sleep with you, you may have a bigger issue on your hands that could use the expert advice of a sex therapist.

Men Lie If They Don’t Feel Safe

If you’ve asked your partner to stop watching pornography before, and he says he has but you’ve caught him later doing exactly what you asked him not to do, you’re probably feeling angry and frustrated that he lied to you. Men – and anyone really – lie because they don’t feel safe telling the truth. He may be worried that you’ll jump his case or become really angry with him if he tells you he’s continued to watch porn.

If you want your man to be honest with you, you’ve got to create an environment in which he feels safe to do so. If he tells you the truth, accept it openly, even if it’s something you disapprove of.

Find a Balance

You and your partner can work together to find a balance between watching porn and not. Accept that there will be porn, and adjust your feelings about it. That doesn’t mean that you have to completely give up how you feel though. You can ask that he reserve it for when you’re not at home, or that perhaps you have a few nights that you watch it together.

Talk openly and honestly with your partner, and you can begin to find a place where you’re both happy. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling if you need it, from an unbiased third party such as a sex therapist.

Verbal Warfare! Make Up or Break Up?

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If you find yourself in a relationship where you find yourself constantly arguing and fighting with your partner, you’re not the only one.

You’re also not alone if you genuinely love this person and want to make the relationship work.

Are you doomed to a breakup?

Not necessarily…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend (ex?) and I fight all the time!! When we are not fighting we get along great! Everything will be fine, then BAM, full blow verbal warfare.

We have been on and off, because of this pattern. We are both tired of fighting, arguing, etc. WE got along so great once upon a time, we some how had a miss-fire that has never got fixed, I don’t understand.

The question, does it have to be over?

– Matt, Kansas City

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbtSt_DMw3g[/youtube]

Realize That No One Has To Be Right

The root of all evil is money . . . actually, it’s the ego. A person’s ego trumps all other things and it has a need to be right all the time.

This is generally what drives people to argue and fight. It starts out pretty innocently. Someone does something that the other partner doesn’t like and it hurts their feelings.

They speak out, but it soon turns into something to the effect of, “Well, I did that because you did this,” so on and so forth. It becomes about placing blame and proving who was right and who was wrong. If you begin to recognize this pattern of arguing, you can learn to move past it. It will take a joint effort, but it also takes two people to argue in the first place.

The Relationship Is Not Doomed Unless You Let It Be

Another thing you must realize is that couples argue. Married couples argue, new couples argue, old couples argue. It’s seemingly a way of life among people who have significant others.

You and your partner’s ability to move past the arguments and let them go is really what determines whether your relationship is doomed or not. You can have an argument and if you’re able to work out the issue and move past it, you’re in a better position than many people in your same situation.

The important thing is that you and your partner do work out the issue and not just put it to bed and try to ignore it, because if you do that, the issue will come up again.

Communication Skills

Communication skills between partners are not something you get right away as soon as you start dating someone. Sadly, there’s no handbook that tells you how to communicate with this particular partner and how they’re different from everyone else you’ve dated.

That’s something you have to learn for yourself and your partner has to learn the same about you. It takes time to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively and to get your needs, wants and upsets across to them without starting an all out war.

Getting Help

Don’t be shy about getting help if you truly need it. Many partners who really do love each other find themselves unable to break out of the argument cycle and let it get the best of them. If you and your partner want to make it work but find yourselves unable to, don’t be afraid to get help from an unbiased third party.

A relationship counselor or even a sex therapist can help teach you the tools you need to be able to handle arguments and fights without taking it overboard. Your relationship is certainly not doomed and with a little effort, you and your partner will once again find that place where you both get along great and truly enjoy each other’s company. It won’t happen right away, but anything that is worthwhile takes a little time and hard work to get what you want.

Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids?

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Marriage is a choice that thousands of people make every day. For many people, this is one of the best times of their lives.

Unfortunately, however, marriage may not always be the best choice or the one that makes you the happiest and even worse, this is usually not realized until much later.

What can you do if you find yourself “stuck” in an unhappy marriage?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, please help! My friend has been in an unhappy marriage for 28 months.  Her son is 23 months old. Before their marriage they broke up because the husband had another woman but she found out later she was pregnant and her husband married her unwillingly. All through out the pregnancy the husband was unsupportive and uncaring. They never share a room and bed since they marry. My friend is 40 y.o. She is desperate for a divorce but is worried that if they divorce, it will affect the child. He says he will never love her again, will never sleep with her and will never suggest a divorce. Please let me know how to help her.  I’ve always thought it was a mistake that they got married.

-FD, Hong Kong

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT-AyaYIkoI[/youtube]

Assess the Situation

Being “stuck” in an unhappy marriage is frustrating, intimidating and upsetting. However, many people fail to realize they’re not really “stuck” at all. While one should never marry someone if they’re thinking they can just get out of it later, if you’re in a marriage and you’re not happy, you’re not really “stuck.”

You have the power to change the status quo at any time! You have the power to end the marriage and move on with your life. It may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it can be done and if it’s something you want or feel is necessary, it is certainly something you should do.

Assess the situation. Are you really unhappy in your marriage? Do you feel that counseling might be beneficial? Is counseling something you’re willing to do? Sometimes counseling can help, but not always. Give yourself some time to really think about what you want.

It’s not an easy decision to make or one that should be rushed. Some people will end up coming to the realization that the marriage is already over and the only thing left to do is make it legal.

Staying Together For The Kids

Many unhappy couples think they should stay together for their children. This is entirely up to you, but be warned that at this point, you’re not going to be in an ideal situation no matter what you choose to do. If you get a divorce, yes, your children will be in split homes. If you don’t, your children may learn that marriage is an unhappy, miserable place to be.

What you do stand to teach your children if you choose to get a divorce is that marriage doesn’t have to be miserable and you have a choice? You can teach them the reality that while marriage is intended to be happy and it can be but if it’s not, they have the power to move on and be happy in other ways.

Moving On

It can be difficult to move on from any relationship, but if you’re unhappy it is something that needs to be done. Realize that you deserve to be as happy as anyone else and use it to gather the strength and determination you need to move on and be happy! If you can’t work things out with your partner, it certainly isn’t the end of the world. While there are plenty of fish out in the sea, perhaps you want to swim alone for a little while!

Your life is what you make it and you can choose to stay in an unhappy marriage or you can choose to move on and find something that does make you happy. Realize that you’re never “stuck” anywhere you don’t want to be and that you have the power to change the status quo. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage if you don’t want to, plain and simple!