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Is Your Life Too Busy for Sex?

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Unfortunately for most of us, there never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

From the moment we wake up and groggily resist our primitive urge to smash the alarm clock against the wall, our bodies are set to “fast forward”, speeding through our days in a blur of work, school, and parenthood.

Until finally, exhausted and numb, we climb back into bed and slump into a state of blissful oblivion – only to have it start all over again six hours later.

And in the midst of all these constant stressors is a little nagging voice in the back of our minds that tries to remind us how important it is to stay connected to those we love.

We skip the hug hello, don’t have time for that morning kiss goodbye, and before we know it our lovers are just another piece of our daily landscape. Always there, but never really noticed.

It’s no wonder that under these circumstances sex happens less and less frequently, even among “young” couples.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, my partner and I – both 28 years old, We’re both going to school for our Phd’s. With school, work and kids, she has two boys, 4 and 6. She has a lot on her plate. I’m taking this semester off and have been doing my best to keep as much stress as possible off of her.

My concern is the affection is not there. She still wants her hugs and kisses everyday but our sex life, well not as strong. Typing that just makes me feel like a bad boyfriend. But I still can’t help but want some affection or reciprocation back.

Could you please give me some advice that my brain and heart is missing or forgetting or maybe her too? Thanks.

— Jared, Indiana

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNWAl7xZxn0[/youtube]

How to Find Intimacy in Your Busy Lives

For Starters, Don’t Blame Each Other

You’re both very busy and equally suffering from a lack of attention, so the worst thing either partner can do is to blame the other for your own negative feelings about the situation.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, both good and bad, but with that entitlement comes responsibility. Your feelings are your own regardless of what your partner does or does not do.

Because of this, it’s important to approach your relationship problems by asking “what can I do to make this better” rather than blaming your partner and saying, “things are this way because you (do or don’t do this, this, and this).”

Blaming your partner for your feelings will only make them defensive and angry, neither of which will make them want to give you the sexual attention you’re seeking.

At the End of the Day There’s Nothing Left for You

The sad truth is, people have a limited amount of emotional and physical energy. After an entire day of working, going to school, and taking care of children your partner has nothing left in their energy reserves for you.

Even when one of you does have some energy left over and is in the mood for a little kinky sex play, the likelihood that your partner will feel the same way at the same time is slim.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your partner’s fault.

That’s just the way life seems to be for most people in our very driven, output-oriented society.

Our culture places more value on how much we work and how much we produce than it does on how close, intimate, and loving our relationships are. So it makes sense that people choose to focus almost one hundred percent of their energy on their work, putting it ahead of their relationships.

Make a Conscious Choice to Refocus Your Energy

The key to having a continuously intimate relationship with your lover is to make sure you both have enough energy at the end of the day for each other.

This has to be a conscious decision, because “life” will surely get in the way and drain your energy if you don’t do something to change it.

One of the best ways to regroup and re-energize is to put aside one hour each day for yourself to do something that you enjoy. This is one hour of “ME” time – no children, no work, no school, and no lovers.

Some people choose to meditate or to go for walks. The activity itself doesn’t matter as long as it’s something that relaxes you and takes your mind off of everything else.

You’ll be amazed at how much just one hour for yourself will restore your energy!

What You Focus on Will Flourish

This is true for anything in life. Whether it’s writing a book, building a company, or strengthening your love for your partner, what you choose to focus your energy on will flourish.

But on the flip side, what you don’t give your energy to will diminish and eventually die.

So take a moment to think about your own day. What do you spend your time doing? What are you giving your energy to? Are those things really important? Is your relationship one of them?

Chances are, it isn’t.

If you really do want a loving, intimate relationship with your partner then you have to make time for it just like you make time for everything else.

Schedule it in, and commit to it.

Once you start giving your relationship the energy it needs, it will flourish, and the sex should take care of itself.

Desperate Housewife – Husband REFUSES Oral Sex!

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Oral sex is undoubtedly one of the most pleasurable of all sexual activities.

With the seemingly endless amount of delightful sensations oral sex can bring, it’s a wonder why anyone would willingly say no to it.

And although some people prefer to give it, and others prefer to receive it, most people enjoy doing both – Sometimes at the very same time!

But what happens when one person in a relationship completely refuses to engage in any kind of oral sex play, and the other absolutely adores it?

Is it possible to change someone’s mind about oral sex? Is it even reasonable or moral to try?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been married for 15+ years & would love to have my husband to try anal &/or oral sex. He thinks it’s “vile & disgusting”.

I have been around the block once or twice before I married & enjoyed these activities very much! He won’t even let me give him oral sex, which I’ve been told I’m pretty good at.

How do I convince my hubby that I want this type of activity?

–Samantha, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnqpEqn9mvM[/youtube]

How Can I Get My Husband to Try Oral Sex?

Talk to Him Openly Without Accusing Him of Anything

The first thing you have to understand when approaching a man with a sexual critique is that his ego will surely be bruised. For most men, sexual performance and sexual technique are very sensitive topics.

Our culture places a lot of pressure on men to be good in bed, so when you, as his lover, being to question something he is (or is not) doing sexually, his feelings will probably be hurt, and he will react defensively to your comments.

This is not how you want your conversation to go.

So in order to ease your partner into an honest and blame-free discussion about your sex life, be gentle and careful about what you say.

Never start this type of conversation with “What’s wrong with you?!” or any version of that!

Instead, begin by reinforcing the fact that you do enjoy having sex with him.

A compliment regarding your last sexual encounter such as, “I think you rock! Sex was great, but I just have one question…”, should make your partner feel good about himself and more open to whatever you have to say next.

Find Out His Real Reasons for Refusing to Try It

Once you’ve established a positive rapport, ask him in a non-accusatory tone, “Why do you think it’s so disgusting?”

Listen very carefully to what your partner has to say. How you respond will completely depend on what his underlying reasons are for not wanting to try oral sex (or any other sexual activity you are disagreeing on).

Three of the most common reasons why people refuse to have oral sex are because it goes against their moral and/or religious beliefs, it brings back negative childhood experiences such as abuse, or they’re concerned about the cleanliness aspect of it.

Obviously some of these reasons are easier to deal with than others.

If your partner’s main reason for refusing oral sex is that he feels it’s dirty or unsanitary, you could offer to take a shower before trying it. Or you could try taking an erotic shower together as foreplay and slipping it in then.

This might help to dissuade some of his hygienic concerns, as well as relax him into the experience itself. You never know, once you get your partner to try it, he may never want you to stop!

Be Prepared to Accept His Sexual Preferences

On the other hand, you must be prepared to accept the fact that regardless of what you say, your partner’s opinions regarding certain sexual activities may never change – especially if those opinions are based on foundational beliefs such as religion.

Even if his reason for not doing it is as simple as he just doesn’t like it, you have to understand, appreciate, and respect that. Everyone is entitled to their own sexual preferences.

In the end your partner may never be open to oral sex, and that has to be OK with you.

Remember there are hundreds and hundreds of other sexual things that you can both agree on and enjoy together. Don’t let one or two disagreements ruin the sexual things you do both enjoy!

Consider Swinging or Swapping as an Alternative

Even if your partner is uncomfortable having anal or oral sex himself, he may be open to the idea of someone else doing those things with you.

Depending on the dynamics of your relationship, bringing in someone else to fulfill those desires may be a good option.

If neither swinging nor swapping is an option, then you’ll have to make peace with your partner’s preferences and do your best to focus on and explore those activities you both feel comfortable with.

Suspect Your Boyfriend or Husband of Cheating? What If You Could Track Exactly Where He Goes and When?

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Do you know that agonizing feeling, when you suspect your loved one is cheating on you, but you just can’t put your finger on why? The panic, the fear, the self doubt, and then the inevitable denial… because nobody really wants to face that possibility and it’s implications.

Cheating is a betrayal of trust, which is what makes it so painful to be on the receiving end.  And the only thing worse than being cheated on is not knowing for sure, just suspecting that SOMETHING may be going on.

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just follow him or her around like a fly on the wall, to know once and for all if you’re just making this up or if it’s real?

Well, technology has come a long way in the last years, and today you can actually do just that. The technology to actually digitally monitor someone’s movements through GPS is available today, from companies like LandAirSea.

The GPS Tracking Key from LandAirSea is basically a small spy gadget that is small, easily concealable, and can track where a person goes, for how long, and even how fast. The pocket sized GPS Tracking Key receives signals from the twenty-four Department of Defense GPS satellites orbiting the earth. It’s internal computer accurately determines the GPS location of the device within 2.5 meters and records this data every second. The data can then be downloaded and viewed in Google Earth simply by plugging the Tracking Key into the USB port of a computer.

Think of it as a video recorder for your (or his) car. Silently recording everywhere it goes, without anyone being the wiser.

In fact, this type of tracking technology has even been used to solve crimes, like this murder case. Here’s the NBC report on how this hidden GPS tracking device worked in a surprising real life situation.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpM1wJ-AXZs[/youtube]

Suddenly, you CAN know for sure if he’s really coming straight home after work, or taking a little “detour”. Ideally you could just ask him and have an open and honest discussion on the situation, but this is pretty unlikely in most infidelity situations.

So isn’t it a little creepy and “stalkeresque” to follow your significant other around with a hidden GPS tracking device? Well, yeah, sure it is. But it really sucks to suspect infidelity and not know. Facing just about any situation is much easier than worrying and being afraid of it… not knowing is always the worst. So either you end the relationship because something “may be happening”, or you find out for sure.

And no cheater is going to admit anything if you don’t have blatant, obvious evidence. Even then, you’re unlikely to get a plain admission.

At the end of the day, trust is the most important component in a relationship. Suspicion, lying, and any kind of deception is a sure way to destroy your relationship. Once you start lying to your partner, it becomes easier and easier… and soon thereafter the trust is broken, and so is the relationship. So stay honest with those you love.

But if you get that nagging feeling in your gut that something is just not right, and you really want to know for sure if he’s seeing someone else and lying about it, do yourself a favor and find out for sure.

Depending on your specific situation and the local laws in your jurisdiction, something like the GPS Tracking Key may well be an option for you.

That type of fear and uncertainty is no way to live. One way or another, put your mind at ease so you can move forward and enjoy your life again.

This article is brought to you by LandAirSea Systems. To sponsor an article on AskDanAndJennifer.com, click here.

BDSM Dilemma – Should I Tell My Parents?

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No matter how close children are to their parents there are some things that probably shouldn’t be shared – and sexual preferences is one of them.

Most of the time parents don’t really want to know about their children’s sex lives. Just like most people do almost anything in their power to avoid thinking about their own parents as sexual beings, parents balk at the very idea that their children have sex at all, even when those children are well into adulthood.

Add to this already existing unease an element of danger, perversion, or “evil” (as are often associated with the term BDSM), and it’s easy to see why having this discussion could do more damage than good.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few of my very close friends know that I am into BDSM.

Because BDSM is so taboo, I could never tell my parents. My friends feel that I am lying to my parents because I tell them I am going to see someone else when I am actually going to see my Master. I am well over eighteen so I don’t feel that I am legally obligated to tell them.

— Amanda, Kentucky

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2hBT0H0x2c[/youtube]

Should I Tell My Parents I’m Into BDSM?

The Short Version Is – It’s None of Their Business

Really it’s not! As long as you’re an adult you’re entitled to make your own choices, including the choice to engage in and enjoy consensual BDSM sex play.

Unfortunately society hasn’t evolved enough yet to openly accept the fact that people derive pleasure from all sorts of sexual activities. Those that involve pain, bondage, and other “deviant” behaviors are especially persecuted.

Although this is slowly changing, and BDSM is moving into the mainstream, there’s still a good chance that those you do tell will look at you differently, and will disapprove of your lifestyle choices.

In general, people have a hard time accepting sexual preferences that differ from their own. Parents are no exception.

Unless your parents are also sexual explorers and have dabbled in BDSM themselves, the likelihood that they’ll understand why you would even consider engaging in those types of behaviors is very slim.

You are Still a Child to Your Parents

It’s important to remember that in your parents’ eyes, you are still a child in need of protection and guidance. Depending on the morals and values your parents tried to raise you with, telling them that you’re involved in BDSM could be a proverbial “slap in the face”.

They may interpret your choices as going directly against the very things they believe are good and right. As best, they may accept your differing morality, but at worst, they may denounce you completely as being an amoral or bad person.

They Will Probably Try to “Fix” You

If you decide to tell your parents about your BDSM adventures, don’t be surprised if their reaction is to try to “fix” you somehow. They will probably try talking you out of liking such activities or suggesting you see a psychologist to “get over” this issue.

Be prepared to spend a lot of time and effort explaining yourself and fielding their well-intended attempts to change you.

There is, of course, the possibility that your confession could make you closer to your parents if they are very open-minded people. But since these kinds of parents (and people) are rare, don’t count on a positive reaction!

Instead, weigh your decision carefully, keeping in mind that telling them could ruin the relationship you have with them now. Choose your words wisely, and know what you are going to say beforehand. This isn’t a conversation you’ll want to improvise on the spot.

Consider Getting Your Own Place

Although it’s understandable that you don’t want to continue lying to your parents, you shouldn’t feel like they have to know where you’re going every time you leave the house either.

You’re an adult, and as an adult you have the right to your privacy. Why not consider eliminating this problem completely by getting your own place?

One of the best things about being a “grown up” is you get to do your own thing without having to answer to anyone else. Getting your own place will give you that sense of freedom, and you won’t feel forced into lying to those you love anymore.

Keep Your BDSM Preference to Yourself

Whether or not you continue to live with your parents, our best advice is to keep your BDSM activities to yourself. Now that you’re an adult, you’ve earned the right to make your own sexual choices and to keep those choices private – use them!

How Can I Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm?

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It’s no secret, women are much more complicated to sexually satisfy than men.

For women, having an orgasm is a culmination of many different things all falling into place at just the right moment. Rather than being an automatic physical response to continued pleasurable sensations (like it is for most men), female orgasms are extremely connected to their thoughts, fantasies, and emotions.

She has to be relaxed and feel emotionally secure with her partner first in order for her body to respond positively to his ministrations.

Unfortunately trying to juggle all of these needs at the same time is difficult, even for the most caring and attentive lover…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 6 months. We’ve been sexually active for about 4 months. She says it’s really good but she has never achieved an orgasm even with oral – long oral. She tells me that she gets short bursts of sensation but it never goes beyond that, no matter how long I go down on her.

I would just like her to experience an orgasm because I know it feels great!

–Francis, Cali

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jNrogPTLGo[/youtube]

How Can I Give My Girlfriend An Orgasm?

Wanting your girlfriend to be just as sexually satisfied as you are in the bedroom is a great goal. Many women out there wish their boyfriends cared enough about their sexual pleasure to be concerned with their lack of orgasms during lovemaking.

So if you’re in a similar situation, the first step to figuring out why your girlfriend is unable to orgasm during sex is to rule out the possibility of any physical problems that could be inhibiting her orgasms.

An easy way to find out is by asking her one simple question.

Does She Orgasm During Masturbation?

After you ask her, talk about it. If she says no, then why not give it a try together? It would be fun!

If her answer is yes, then it’s safe to assume her difficulties are more psychological or emotional in nature. One of the most common reasons why women can’t orgasm during sex is tension. This can be caused by embarrassment, general unease, or life-related stressors such as work.

Even something as simple as trying a new position could make her nervous and prevent her from relaxing enough to orgasm!

Make the Situation as Stress-Free as Possible

Don’t make her feel pressured. Remove the focus of your sex play from trying to make her have an orgasm, to just enjoying each other. It should be a light-hearted exploration process. This is particularly important when performing oral sex. In general, women become very self-conscious and worried about what their partner is thinking while he is “down there”.

Remember, the fastest way to get her to NOT have an orgasm is by wondering if she’s had one every two seconds.

You’re not supposed to be ticking off any mental check boxes, or worse, asking her “Did you do it yet?”

Orgasms Are About Giving Up Control

One of the hardest things to do is give up the control you have over your carefully crafted composure in the presence of someone else – and orgasms require you to do just that. Many women will allow themselves to enjoy the physical sensations of sex right up until the moment it begins to feel “too good”.

At this point, they either relax, give up control, and ride out the sensations to completion (typically to orgasm), or they shut themselves off from their own pleasure, retain control, and slip further away from orgasming.

It’s common for women to subconsciously do this without knowing why, or how to stop doing it. Essentially they are afraid of losing control, becoming vulnerable, and opening themselves up to getting emotionally hurt . This is why trust, love, and relaxation are critical elements to a fulfilling sexual partnership.

Communication is Key – Don’t Stop When She Says “Don’t Stop!”

Once she is relaxed and ready to give herself over to your amazing sexual technique, listen to what she tells you and do exactly that.

Often, it seems like just at the moment when everything is starting to feel “perfect” and her orgasm is right around the corner, the man will change his position, his rhythm, etc. and cause her to lose that gloriously “perfect” sensation.

Don’t solely rely on her words either to tell you what feels amazing and what doesn’t. Get to know your partner as a sexual being. Listen to her various moans, her quick intakes of breath, that little twitch in her ankle that lets you know when you’re on the right track.

Good communication encompasses much more than just words, it’s a whole body experience.

For more great orgasm technique tips, check out The Female Orgasm Black Book!