Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for loveandsex

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

By

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Marianne Torrence.

Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

You’ll want to read “The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid” right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

by Marianne Torrence

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is… If a person has a tendency to put down their partner’s ideas, devalue their input, or have an attitude towards others that is derogatory, it is not likely that their relationships are going to develop and deepen. Nothing causes a person to build barriers around themselves faster than feeling put down and made wrong by the person they should feel closest to. And if they hold back their feelings about it instead of standing up to the person doing the make wrong, they will speed up the estrangement even more.

Well, so far all this probably sounds pretty negative, and you might be wondering if you can do anything about it anyway if you find yourself either doing this or experiencing it.

So what are some ways to prevent this habit from sabotaging relationships? Well, it’s simple, but not necessarily easy, and it does take practice.

One of the most effective things you can do is to focus on indicating that you have heard what someone said by acknowledging their communications. “I hear you”. “I understand that”, “OK”, “I got it”, “Good”, are all ways to show someone you understood what they said, without adding any judgment or negative attitude to it.

And when answering somebody’s communication focus on the positive, on appreciating other people’s points of view, and encouraging interchange rather than negating what has been communicated to you. “ I see your point of view”, “ I can understand how you feel that way”, “I appreciate your way of looking at that”, work much better to foster good relationships than “That’s silly”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re wrong”, “Shut up”, and various other negative replies.

A thing to remember about people who communicate this way is that it generally is a sign their own self-esteem and sense of self-worth is poor in that they feel they need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. And additionally it means they don’t want anyone to be aware they feel this way.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has this making wrong habit and you aren’t having any success in getting them to quit the habit, you might try commenting on it in these terms.

“You know, Joe, it’s been my experience that when people feel insecure and unsure of themselves one of the ways they try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy is to try to make others feel lessened by putting them down or devaluing them. Of course people who do this don’t realize if they keep doing it they’re pretty much sending out a signal that says ‘I feel worthless or not as good as everyone else so I am trying to lessen their sense of self-worth so they don’t show up my own inadequacy’. But I don’t suppose that’s why you keep doing it, is it? But I thought I’d better ask, because it worries me – Joe, do YOU actually feel inadequate – I wouldn’t have thought so, but tell me if that’s why you keep making less of other people?”

Some version of the above communication should work to make a person with a make wrong habit think twice every time they go to reply to someone with a putdown.

Knowing this information, you can also choose to simply not hook up in a relationship with someone who does this, can’t be brought to see that there’s anything destructive or damaging to relationships in doing it, and can’t easily change it or just plain won’t.

Realize that it’s not necessarily deliberate, that a lot of time the person IS unconscious of the effects, and may just be communicating in a way they learned from parents, school, work or any environment where people simply don’t know any better way.

There are other mistakes one can make in relationships, but this is one of the worst. No one wants to be around someone whose communication is killing their fun, their joy in life and indeed the very essence of their being.

Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Threesomes?

By

Whew…

Our latest post about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

(You’ll want to read the full post: My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?)

Since many people are confused or unsure of what these terms mean, here are some web definitions that we found useful.

“Polyamory is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The relationships are long-term, intimate, and usually (but not necessarily) sexual. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.”
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

“Swinging, sometimes referred to in North America as the swinging lifestyle, is non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple.  Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term is archaic and does not accurately describe the full range of sexual activities in which swingers may take part.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

And then, join the conversation and leave a comment below to tell us why you feel the way you do.

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

By

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action :-)).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

Bipolar Booty Call?

By

The Question

I was seeing a 39 yr old Bipolar male. Until a year ago, he lived w/his mother. The only reason he moved out was because he did not get along w/his ailing step-father. His mother still handles all of his finances.

In the beginning of our relationship everything seemed nice, but then it turned. He called me every day for a while but would only see me once a week for sex. I thought that his BP Disorder had something to do with his behavior and accepted it-taking it slow.

He cancelled our plans on New Year’s Eve because he partied too hard the night B4 and I did not see him on my birthday.

He told me that I am beautiful and book smart and that scares him. After not hearing from him for 3 wks, he came over at 3:45 a.m. to "talk." We did talk, but he also wanted sex, which he DID NOT get! He also shocked me by showing me that he had shaved all the hair off of his genitals and thought that was something I would like. I found it to be strange (especially since I had not heard from him in so long). Now, he calls me once in a while.  Many months ago, I told him that I was in love with him and how his behavior hurts.

Can you please help me? I am still in love with him, but as of Christmas Eve, stopped telling him so.

The Answer

Sorry to say, but sounds to me like you’re the proverbial "Booty Call". Don’t let him use being Bipolar as an excuse to take advantage of you.

I know nothing about this medical condition and do not know if it could cause this type of behavior… Here are some resources that I found that may help you. 

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/bipolar.htm

http://www.bipolarworld.net/York/dating.htm

Treating your girlfriend like a "booty call" is not on the list of normally displayed symptoms.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this man is not in any emotional state to be in any kind of serious relationship – whether the cause is BP disorder or simply a severe case of immaturity.

If I were in your shoes, I would show myself the well deserved respect that this man is not showing you, and either find a better relationship or enjoy my own company for a while. You do not need another person (man or woman) to confirm your greatness!

If you love yourself first, you will attract a man that loves and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I hope it helps.

My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?

By

Whew… This revealing article about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

Take the poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

The Question

I don’t know who to talk to about this b/c I am truly embarrassed for my friends.

I JUST found out yesterday… actually the day before that, that my dear close friends (two different couples) have been “swinging”… it’s more like three of them I believe, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Both of these couples are young engaged couples with very bright futures ahead of them.

I cherish my friendship with my handful of girlfriends, and think of them as precious people. When I heard this was going on, and that I was pretty much the only one who didn’t know about it… I was devastated, I was disgusted, and began to cry.

This happens ONLY when they are drunk… but it has happened A LOT. My husband and I are newly married, and we all hang out and party together.

I am so upset about all of this that I decided not to go to their co-ed bachelorette party in Vegas this weekend. I am still going to be in their wedding, but I feel in my heart that I can NOT be friends with either couple anymore. I don’t even want to support this marriage/union. I would feel so sick to my stomach… I really don’t have a REAL reason… it’s just not who I am, how I was raised, or where I come from.

Is it wrong for me to “ditch” my close girlfriends b/c of this?

The Answer

Whew… This is a very emotional topic because your underlying beliefs are being questioned. On the bright side, these types of situations really help us grow.

Our mission for this blog is to help everyone learn to come from a place of love and acceptance in all of their relationships. We do not judge you for your beliefs or actions nor do we believe that you should judge your friends for their beliefs or actions. We feel there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ (Yes, we know that many will disagree with us on this…).

Each of us has our own ‘perception’ of what is right and what is wrong. That perception is different for everyone and will very likely change over the years. There are groups of people with similar perceptions and beliefs – i.e. the various major religious and political organizations.

Swinging is simply another belief system…

There are some very good relationship ideas that we can all take from the swinging lifestyle. Swingers believe that their partners have enough love to go around and that it’s OK to share one another sexually. They do not confuse love with lust as many couples do. They understand that it’s perfectly natural for their partner to be physically attracted, and maybe even want to have sex, with someone else. It does not in any way threaten their relationship or love for one another.

That said… Both partners in a swinging couple must have complete trust for one another and both must want this type of lifestyle or it simply won’t last. It’s definitely not a lifestyle for everyone… but it is a new adventure that can actually bring a couple much closer together.

Talk to your friends, without judgment…

Maybe there’s a reason that they didn’t tell you. Perhaps they were afraid that they would lose your friendship?

If you believe that all relationships must be totally monogamous, that is perfectly OK. What we would suggest is that you be open minded enough with your friends to talk to them about their choice in a non-judgmental way. Not to fix the error of their ways, but to share your feelings with them and see how you can move forward and remain friends. Maybe it’s a don’t ask don’t tell kind of friendship – If we really knew what all of our friends and neighbors do behind closed doors, we probably wouldn’t be able to look any of them in the eyes :-).

Remember that you can’t change people, and trying to change them is a sure way to push them away. If you want to remain friends, you’ll need to love and accept them for who they are and where they are in their lives.

While this is entirely your decision (we can’t make it for you…), do you really want to lose your friends because of their sexual preferences?

Recommended:

  1. Check out the largest swinger and sex personals dating site and find sex partners in your area today. They have millions of active members online, and 30,000 new photos uploaded daily.