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First Serious Relationship… Should We Date Other People?

By loveandsex

The Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost seven months now, and I love him a lot. He says he loves me too, and I believe him. We’re already talking about getting married after we graduate from college, but I feel uncomfortable sometimes because this is my first serious relationship. He, on the other hand, has had actual girlfriends before, and a lot of them. In fact, he started dating me about a week after his previous girlfriend broke up with him.

Maybe this shouldn’t bother me so much, but it hurts so much whenever I think about how he’s loved multiple girls before me. It just feels like if we broke up, he’d begin dating someone else right away. He promises this wouldn’t happen, but I’m not so sure. It wouldn’t bother me so much if I was his first girlfriend also. I feel like if we end up getting married, I’ll have wanted more dating experience.

I thought I should talk to him about this, but honestly, what good would it do? I can’t change the past, and I’m sure he doesn’t regret dating any of his past girlfriends, but I regret not having had more serious relationships. I thought maybe I could talk to him, and we could take a break for a month. I haven’t said anything to him yet, but I do want to know whether he’d date other girls during that month, or wait for me, proving he loves me.

I know it’s stupid and he shouldn’t have to prove his love. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, jealous, and vindictive… but it hurts, thinking of all his ex-girlfriends. What do you think I should do?

The Answer: First serious relationship or tenth serious relationship, the feelings that you’re feeling are perfectly normal. They’re feelings of ‘wanting control’. We all want to subtly, and some times directly, control other people – our friends, our parents, our boyfriends, our co-workers. We want to make them do, act, and say the things that we feel is best.

The easiest solution here is to try to let go and understand that you simply can’t control another person. You can love them, and they can love you, but you simply cannot ever control them and make them act the way you want them to. This is an illusion that has shattered countless relationships.

One of the biggest underlying problems in troubled relationships today is that people feel like they "own" their partner. This is the real reason behind jealousy and similar types of feelings. The best thing to do is to just allow other people to be themselves and love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

It doesn’t matter who he’s been with before. It’s those decisions and those relationships that have made him the person you’re in love with. In the same respect, it’s your experiences, or lack of experiences that make you the person that he loves today.

If you want to date other people, then that’s cool. Just be up front about it, talk about it honestly, and make sure that it’s something you both want. But you shouldn’t set a double standard and definitely don’t use it as a test to see what he’d do. If you bring it up and he honors your suggestion, then that’s the deal. Simple. Just be prepared to accept the outcome. If you let the birdie out of it’s cage to see if it’ll fly away… it just might.

I’d stay away from the marriage talk for now. If and when the time is right, you’ll know. Some people get so excited about getting married quickly, we joke that it’s almost like locking in a low mortgage rate… "quick, sign here before the rate goes up".

Guess what? There’s no requirement for every relationship to turn into marriage. In fact, a lot of relationships sour that way because we all grow and change. Many times, we grow and change in different directions, regardless of what the legal marriage document says. It’s a good idea to take enough time to be sure that you’re both growing in the same direction.

Live your lives together, enjoy each other, and be happy on your journey together. Tomorrow will come soon enough and in it’s own time. Until then, enjoy what you have now.

Related Link: Are you just getting back into the dating scene? If you are then come check out a free personals site where you can browse through singles in your area or even find date ideas.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: dating, dating advice, Dating Tips, love, marriage counseling, Relationship Advice, singles

Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?

By loveandsex

The Question: I have been with a man for 5 months. He told me a few months ago that he has strong values and wants to wait for marriage to have sex. I was a little disappointed, but I respect his beliefs. We are very open with each other and I have never lied to him about anything until he asked me how many people I have slept with. I said 3, but the real number is around 40. I’ve never been so sure about someone in my life until I met him and wish to put my promiscuity in the past, but I fear he may look at me differently due to his strong values. That is why I wonder if it is necessary for me to tell him the real number of people I have had sex with. Or is this a lie that can remain a secret?

The Answer: My first response is that it’s no one else’s business how many people you’ve had sex with in the past or will have sex with the future…

Don’t allow yourself or your actions to be judged by another person. We make decisions every day and we learn from the results of those decisions and move on to the next decision. There is absolutely no reason to regret any decision you’ve ever made as long as you learned something from the experiences that followed. We grow with each experience, each choice, and each relationship. Some philosophers say that’s what life is really about – experiencing life so that we can discover who we truly want to be.

"We sometimes have to experience who we don’t want to be so that we can discover the person we want to become."

Each of us has our own set of core values that are important to us, but that doesn’t give us the right to push those values onto another person, nor to judge that person because they do not share our values now or in the past. Your partner should not judge you for your past actions because it is those actions and decisions that have made you the person that he or she loves today.

One man’s convictions, values, and moral beliefs are another man’s heresy. For thousands of years different societies have persecuted other cultures and societies for arbitrary "values" and "morality".

Ponder this for a moment… In the greater scheme of the Universe, what gives one man or society the right to determine what is right and wrong for everyone else? Or to force others to feel shame if they feel or believe differently?

If you are suppressing who you really are to match up with another person’s "strong values", realize that there’s nothing wrong with who you are, and there’s nothing in the world that makes their values and beliefs, or life experience, any better than yours. Period. Beware of convincing yourself to live up to someone else’s values. You could end up resenting the other person for it, which could end your relationship.

While I cannot make your decision for you as to whether or not to tell your boyfriend the actual number of people that you’ve slept with, I will say this: Open and honest communication in a relationship is vital to its growth and survival. If this is something that will haunt you and cause you distress on the inside, then you should tell him because suppressing it will affect your relationship. But if you can truly forgive yourself and let go of any guilt that you carry around regarding your past sexual activity, then I say let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: dating, dating advice, love, morality, premarital sex, singles

Want To Spice Up Your Next Date? Try Boston Not So Proper…

By loveandsex

Looking to get some hot new clothes for your next date? Or maybe some exciting new lingerie for that intimate evening you’ve got planned?

We’ll you’re in luck…

Jennifer gets this women’s clothing catalog from Boston Proper. They’ve got some really steamy but classy outfits throughout, and the models are, well, certainly endowed and prone to show off.

We jokingly refer to the catalog as Boston Not So Proper. Seriously, check out their stuff when your thinking about your next date with your significant other. And of course, there’s always Victoria’s Secret… They have some really sexy date clothes as well.

Now, for lingerie, check out Fredericks. They have a great selection.

Also, a good friend of ours, Bethany, has a great lingerie site – Totally Sexy Lingerie. She has great prices and a good selection. Plus, she’s cool and will handle your order personally, so go check out her site and pick up some sexy lingerie today.

But is it ok to buy this stuff? What if you offend your woman? Ladies, afraid ‘he’ won’t like you anymore?

Ladies, face it, your significant other loves to see you in this stuff. There’s lingerie out there for every body size and shape.

And guys, yes it’s ok to buy your special lady sexy lingerie. She’ll be flattered that you think and fantasize about her. Yes, she DOES like the fact that you think that way about her – and not about some other woman! In fact, tell her often in a discreet and loving way, that you think about her body and that you really want her.

A woman wants few things more that to simply know that her man desires her.

On that topic, look for our series of articles on relationships and the hidden porn epidemic:

  • “Quick, Hide the Porn, Your Wife Is Coming!”
  • “How Can You Make Your Man Stop Surfing Porn After You Go To Bed?”

Have an awesome day!
Dan & Jennifer 

Filed Under: Sex Tips & Advice

How Incense and Pot Can Save Your Relationship…

By loveandsex

Incense and pot… old friends together again.

Remember those days back in college? Oh well, even if you don’t remember or you don’t want to admit to it…

Here’s the story about how incense and pot saved our relationship last year…

 

Last year we were literally homeless for two weeks – at the Westin Stonebriar Resort. If you have to be homeless, that’s the way to go!

The problem, even with some of the nicer hotels, is that there is usually only one bathroom and the potty is in the open.

Dan and I have a really open relationship but there are a few things that we choose not to share. Our bathroom habits and associated aromas are some of those things.

So how did we survive 2 weeks sharing this incredibly open bathroom arrangement?

Simple – Incense.

 

People have used incense for years to cover up the smell of pot (the organic variety). We just applied the same logic to our very confined bathroom arrangement and were very pleasantly suprised. Incense is an amazing odor eliminator – better than any of those spray can concoctions that usually make the room smell horrible and stinky in another, but no better, way.

 

So please be kind to your significant other – light an incense in the bathroom every time you use the ‘pot’ – they’ll love you for it!

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

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Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
loveandsexanswers.com

 

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: dating advice, premarital sex, Relationship Advice

Calling All Animal Lovers… Dan and Jennifer Team Up With DateMyPet.com

By loveandsex

We’re really excited to tell you this…

We’ve just teamed up with DateMyPet.com to get the latest dating and relationship tips and advice to their members. Spreading the good word! 🙂

If you haven’t heard of DateMyPet.com yet, you’re missing out.

They’ve been featured by The Today Show, Good Morning America, MSNBC, the LA Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, and many other major traditional media outlets – and that’s just in 2006.

They’re a great example of a niche online dating site, for animal lovers like us.

In fact, DateMyPet.com was a major point of discussion in our revealing interview with Heather Vale for the soon to be released Online Dating Confessions ePackage where we reveal everything we’ve learned from our online dating business over the last three years.  Stay tuned.  You won’t want to miss this.

Have an awesome day!
Dan & Jennifer

P.S. If you love animals like we do, don’t forget to check out DateMyPet now.

______________________________________
Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
loveandsexanswers.com

Filed Under: Online Dating Sites & Reviews Tagged With: dating, dating advice, dating sites, flirting, love, online dating, singles

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