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Appreciation is Essential for Intimacy

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Hope and Antonio are young and living on love. They have the pressures of their jobs, their acquisitions, the things and babies they dream about having some day.

But just now they have the simplicity of neither having too much stuff nor too many demands tugging on them.  This lends itself to quality time spent together that deeply enriches their love lives.

Why She Appreciates Him

Antonio is from Spain.  Hope is from the United States, where they live.  Hope’s favorite thing is to lay her head in her husband’s lap when he is on the phone with his family.  She loves to hear his side of the conversation in Spanish.

Even when she doesn’t understand all the words, she understands his tone of voice.  She feels his love for his family and their love for him.  In addition, she loves the experience of her husband communicating with people he loves in his native tongue.

It makes her appreciate him more.  The intimacy of her physical closeness and her appreciation of him when he is on the phone with his family is precious to both of them.

Presently, nothing is pulling on Hope’s attention that would tear her away from this unique opportunity to appreciate her husband and enjoy this level of intimacy.  Hopefully, as their lives and finances grow, they will remember to continue this ritual and create new ones.

Intimacy Thrives on Appreciation

Appreciating each other is easy when we are first falling in love!  Beginning with small things like how he places his hand protectively on the small of her back when they walk together or how she gives him that eye-to-eye look that says he is the yummiest thing she has ever seen; couples naturally appreciate each other in the early stages of romance.

As the relationship continues, appreciation and its benefits too often fall to the wayside.  Because it was something that came naturally, giving it attention wasn’t necessary.  Now it is time to be intentional about appreciating your lover.

Appreciating each other can occur any time in any place!  Samantha likes to be around her husband’s friends when he isn’t there.  Because his friends admire him, the way they talk about him when they have Samantha to themselves makes her hot for her husband!  She loves to brag to him about how they brag about him.  He likes it too!

Be Intentional

Natalie loves to cook and has a real gift for it.  She finds that most of the time her large family takes her cooking for granted.  Sometimes, at the end of a meal everyone has devoured, her husband helps her clean the kitchen, sharing with her every detail he especially enjoyed about the meal.

Natalie loves the appreciation and attention, sharing in turn how she accomplished the tastes and textures he so enjoyed.  When they finish cleaning the kitchen, her energy has been revived from all that appreciation and he stands a better chance of getting lucky that night or the next morning!

Susan has a sharp mind that loves to solve problems and attend to details.  Early in their relationship, those skills threatened her boyfriend, John.

Her mental sharpness too often felt like competition.  They went through some difficulties, struggling over John wanting to stifle this particular gift of Susan’s.  Eventually, they worked it out.  Susan’s mental acuity has become a trait John admires and appreciates.  When he does, she feels alive and sexy!

Mark has always felt challenged when it comes to buying gifts for his sweetheart.  He thinks it is a genetic thing.  His dad often missed when it came to buying gifts for Mark’s mother.  He likes to give his girl gifts that will make her life easier.

Sometimes, she wants something a little more romantic.  This year, for her birthday, he bought her a soda water maker.  It turns tap water into seltzer, at which point she can add any number of flavors to create her own soda.  Turns out, she loves it!  She tells him so every time she uses it and he glows with pride every single time.

Mark appreciates being appreciated and his sweetheart loves how he glows with pride just because she appreciated him.  Appreciation creates a yummy circle of energy that pays off repeatedly!  It doesn’t have to be forced or made up.  Opportunities to express it occur throughout every day.

Be on the lookout for the opportunity today, take advantage of it, and see what happens.  It might change your love life!

A Secret to the Cease-Fire in the War between the Sexes

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Sexual tension between a man and a woman can be a good thing.  However, sometimes we get stuck and the tension in the relationship mounts to dangerous levels.  There is a secret to the cease-fire in the war between the sexes.  Read on to discover what it is!

What Causes The Tension

Recently my husband installed a new mailbox for me.  It is beautiful, as mailboxes go!  However, within a week, the handle broke!  Held to the door of the mailbox with two screws and bolts, one of the screws went missing and my beautiful mailbox looked ugly with its handle hanging sideways.

He talked about how to fix it but he didn’t fix it because he had to go on a business trip.  After all, the handle still worked, it just looked funny.  So, while he was gone, I fixed it!  I had paid attention to how he would fix it and decided to do it myself.  Then the next time I had him on the phone, I bragged about it.

Was he proud of me?  Was he relieved there was one less item on his to do list when he got home?  I don’t know.  What I heard was him exclaim, “You don’t need me!”

Resentment Leads to a Breakdown in Relationships

Now between the two of us at this point in our relationship, that was playful teasing.  For some, however, that would have been a real criticism offered.  For others, it would be something felt but not spoken, with another layer of resentment piled on.

He would resent her for disrespecting his ability and need to take care of it himself and she would resent him for his unspoken disappointment in her.  In addition there would be the guilt and shame of something so simple and seemingly inconsequential causing a breakdown in the relationship.

How This Can Ruin a Relationship From the First Date

Now that’s a lot of heaviness associated with which of you takes a little screw and bolt and fixes the handle on a mailbox.  But it is a reality for a lot of couples.  For some, it has been such an intense reality in previous relationships that it can show up on a first date and ruin the chances of a budding relationship.

Just Listen!

On a different day, I had been in a conflict with a good friend and could not figure out what had gone wrong between us.  Conflicted, I felt both guilt and victimization.  All I wanted to do was tell my husband all about it, have him listen and appreciate how it made me feel.

I hadn’t gotten far into my story when he was already trying to fix what was wrong!  I didn’t want him to fix what was wrong…I wanted to be heard, understood, and appreciated for the predicament I was in with my friend.

At that point, we were not as far along in our relationship as we are this week with the mailbox.  I sighed, huffed, and aired my frustration over being unheard and misunderstood.  If he really loved me, wouldn’t he know what I needed?  Now I had feelings about his attempt to “help” me that I needed to process.  Do you suppose he wanted to go there?

Mastering the Differences

There is a difference between men and women that once mastered creates happiness instead of strife.  Men deeply appreciate respect and women deeply appreciate having their feelings valued.  In fact, when a woman actively respects her man, he experiences his own feelings being valued.  When a man actively values his woman’s feelings, she experiences respect.

One thing I do not understand and that is why is it so difficult for women to tell their men they respect them through their actions and words?  It is tough.  As soon as I believe I have this thing down, I turn around and treat that man like he is a child and I do not even realize I have done it!  I take something away from him that he wanted to accomplish on my behalf.

I do that because he wasn’t getting it done in my time frame.  So, again, there I am like a mama dismissing a little boy instead of appreciating my best fellow, my beau, and my lover, for all the love and all the ways he shows me he loves me!

On the other side of the issue, why is it so hard for men to value their women’s feelings?  How often do we have to say, “I don’t want you to fix my problem!  I want you to listen and understand how I’m feeling!”  What is so hard about that?

I do not know why it is so difficult.  I only know that it is.  What I do know is that every single time I tell him I respect him, especially when it is for something very specific (not a generic, cover-my-bases respect), he glows and wants to be near me and love me!  And every single time he values my feelings in word or deed, I melt and want to be near him and love him.

I do not know how long it takes to master a woman respecting her man and a man valuing his woman’s feelings.  I do know that the discipline of practicing it has big payoffs and is well worth the time and energy!

Think You Have to Let Him Call You First? Not Anymore!

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I saw a depiction of a young woman calling a man for a date while maintaining her sexy femininity!  It was exciting to witness and I want to share it with you.

I realize that expressing my discomfort over the fact that these days both sexes expect that she will call him for that first date is a favorite drum I beat.

Time and couples have proven that when a woman allows a man to pursue her, if a relationship ensues, the relationship has a better chance of survival.

That means letting him call her first.  It means letting him speak first with his voice, though she may speak first with her eyes and body language, giving him encouragement to pursue her.

Calling a Man in a Way That Allows Him to Maintain His Masculine Energy

Given that women call men for dates and that men expect them to, here’s how to do it in such a way that he gets to maintain his sexy position holding the masculine energy and she gets to maintain her sexy position holding the feminine energy!

In the movie, “Happy Go Lucky,” Poppy is a thirty-year-old single female, living in London.  With her carefree attitude, it is no surprise that she is a successful grade school teacher.  The fact that she is single doesn’t bother her a bit.  In fact, the romantic relationship she begins doesn’t occur until the very end of the film.

She has a problem with one of her students becoming violent.  A social worker named Tim gets involved.  He turns out to be compassionate and effective.  A handsome man, he and Poppy spark to each other instantly.

After their session with the student, Poppy walks Tim to the door where they have a flirtatious conversation and reveal their interest in each other.  Tim asks Poppy if she would like to go out sometime.  She giggles a flirtatious and humorous affirmation.  He invites her to give him a call and gives her his phone number.

As Poppy’s life is full, she has plans for the weekend and doesn’t get around to calling him until Sunday.  They flirt on the phone until she finally asks, “So, you fancy going out with me sometime?”  They then arrange for the following Friday.  The way the date is depicted on the screen is delightful in its charm.

Later, at his apartment, they make love.  At the foot of his bed, Tim encircles Poppy’s waist with his hands and kisses her repeatedly while she stands in a pose of surrender with her arms akimbo.  When she finally takes his head in her hands and caresses him, her touch is visibly warm and inviting.

The Depth of Their Intimacy

It is riveting as this carefree woman, easily taken for being silly, shows up as an excellent lover.  Their intimacy the next morning as they putter around his apartment reveals the same tender depth.

He takes her home later in the morning because she has an appointment to keep.  She winds up having a stressful day and doesn’t talk to him until the afternoon of the following day.  Their conversation is flirtatious and fun as they revel in the possibility that they are falling in love.

How She Maintained Her Femininity While Allowing Him to Maintain His Masculinity

How did Poppy maintain her femininity, making space for Tim to maintain his masculinity; thereby, creating an energetic field where he would continue to pursue her?

First, Poppy isn’t needy, clingy, or suffocating.  Her life is full.  It isn’t empty because she doesn’t have a man.  When this man comes along, even as she is receptive to his interest and advances, she remains independent and confident.  That is such a turn on!

Confidence is Key

By waiting to call him for that first date, she further communicated her confidence.  She also spoke to him in a language he understood.  When a man is interested in a woman, he may take his time calling her, especially if his life is full.

When a man takes a woman out on a first date, he can take up to three weeks to call her back!  It can take a man that long to realize he misses her and wants to be with her again.  In the meantime, his life is full of work and other obligations.  For her to take a day or two before calling him back feels natural to him.

When they scheduled the date for five days later, she communicated her confidence once again.  Women who feel needful for a man in their life are quick to arrange for a date as soon as possible, preferably the very same day the call is made.  Such quick scheduling communicates a woman’s neediness, serving as a yellow caution flag.

Again, after their first date, twenty-four hours transpire before she hears from Tim.  She had a harrowing experience the day before, yet did not call him to share it with him.  Instead, she processed the experience with her flat mate and best friend, Zoe.

This is a significant part of the recipe for a confident and sexy woman!  Her life is full because not only does she have satisfying work, but also she has close women friends with whom she can talk and listen and they can process their feelings and lives together!

She doesn’t need her romantic relationship to meet all her emotional needs.  If she isn’t currently in a relationship, such independence and confidence make a woman very attractive.  If she is currently in a relationship, it contributes to the health of the relationship and the happiness of the individuals in it!

A man getting to be the man and a woman getting to be the woman within their romantic relationship is delicious.  I am thrilled to discover that a man can give a woman his number, expecting her to call first, while they both maintain their same gender energy.  It bodes well for the day they fall in love!

Next Time You Have A Breakdown In Communication, Consider This…

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When a woman falls in love with a man, he makes her feel safe, protected, and cherished.  She makes him feel seen and respected.  These gifts we give each other satisfy ancient longings housed in our biology.  They are why we trust each other so quickly, connect so deeply, and start planning for the future!

Moving From Trust & Fulfillment to Irritation & Frustration

At some point, couples move from this position of trust and fulfillment to irritation and frustration.  It is as if a pendulum swings them back and forth, sometimes against their will.  Maybe it begins with simple things.

For instance, one is a slob and the other is a neat freak.  These differences started out being cute but aren’t anymore!  Eventually, she will drive him nuts wanting to talk about the relationship.

He will make her worried and insecure withdrawing at every attempt she makes to talk.  Before you know it, they feel like enemies to each other either some of the time or all of the time.

Breakdowns in Communication

The next time your relationship suffers from a breakdown in communication, consider what drew you to each other in the first place.  For her, feeling safe, protected and cherished satisfy deep, fundamental needs.  For him, feeling seen and respected satisfies deep, fundamental needs.

Instead of putting your attention on what you are not getting from your partner, put your attention on what you once gave and try giving it again.

Personality Conflicts and Communication

My husband, Joseph, and I have a personality conflict that contributes to breakdowns in communication.  It has occurred to me that addressing the personality conflict isn’t the way to improve the situation.

If we go there, we will wind up monitoring each other and/or ourselves, adding to the frustration and contributing to an even bigger breakdown!  Instead, focusing on what we originally gave each other in this situation might just save us a lot of heartache.

What the Personality Conflict Looks Like

The personality conflict looks like this.  I have a very active mind.  Whenever anyone speaks to me, they are intruding on my thoughts.  This means that for the first few seconds of conversation, I am in two places at once in my mind.  I’m finishing up my thoughts and beginning to pay attention to the person speaking to me.

Things can get lost in translation because of my active mind!

In addition, my sharp mind prefers details.  Instead of telling me something like, “That was the best hamburger I’ve had in a long time,” when it’s been a couple of days since that hamburger was eaten; I prefer more details such as, “Remember when we ate at the Stony Knob Diner last week and I had a hamburger and fries?

That was the best hamburger I’ve had in months.  We need to go back there soon!”  I realize people don’t talk like that.  Folks pick and choose from hundreds of thoughts to share and often begin mid-sentence.  I speak like that because details matter to me.  See, it’s just a personality issue.

It Isn’t Personal

It isn’t personal. What gets personal is how we handle it when I get frustrated because I don’t understand something he said.

We have dropped into the habit of Joseph periodically saying something that I don’t understand.  I don’t understand because I don’t believe I have enough details to understand.  I communicate that I don’t know what he is talking about with frustration and impatience in my voice because I very much want to understand.

Frustration Emerges

Also, because we have had this breakdown going on for a number of years, the frustration in my voice has grown.

He feels like I am telling him something is wrong with him and so he gets impatient with me and gives me one of these looks that brings out the beast in me!  Suddenly, a personality issue has become very personal because of tones of voices, feelings, attitudes, and a breakdown in communication.

It’s Not Life and Death

Even though a personality conflict isn’t a life or death matter, it can make me as a woman feel unprotected, unsafe, and not cherished.  Someone who loves and cherishes me wouldn’t look at me that way!

The same personality conflict makes him feel unseen and disrespected.  Suddenly, a truly insignificant-in-the-great-scheme-of-things incident rocks us at the core because these fundamental needs are challenged!

Make Attitude Changes

Next time, I am going to respond with a different tone of voice by coming from a different attitude.  Instead of reacting from the space of impatience and frustration I have made a habit of, I am going to come from the space of seeing him and respecting him.

That would look like telling the truth.  Such as, “I was with some thoughts in my head and didn’t catch all that, would you mind saying some more?”  I bet I will get a different response from him.  Taking responsibility for what is going on in my head is far more respectful!

If Joseph were working on this on his own, he might choose to interact with me from a place of cherishing my feelings to see if he could get us to shift gears with this personality conflict.  He might say, “Gosh, I know it frustrates you when you don’t get enough details and it frustrates me to slow down and provide them!  But here goes…”  I would find that disarming.

Without either of us manipulating the other to communicate in a certain way and by simply taking responsibility for the truth of where we are at when the communication breaks down, we are able to treat each other in a way that communicates love, respect, and cherishing.

That satisfies those fundamental needs that we once easily met and we get to walk out of a personality conflict that causes breakdowns rather than risk walking out of the relationship, causing a break up.

Honesty delivered with care and compassion rocks!

Men, How Helping Around the House Can Get You Laid!

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This article is about the aphrodisiac of a man offering, perhaps even insisting, that he help out around the house; meaning, there can be an incredible pay off for helping with household chores, if you play your cards right!

In dual career relationships, the household chores still predominantly fall to the woman to accomplish.  This reality may be the result of some latent chauvinism.

Latent Chauvinism

However, it is likely because most men do not seem to care if the house is straightened up, dishes done, or even if laundry has been taken care of at the end of a day.  Some men will make a shirt and suit last another day and buy a fresh pair of socks and underwear rather than stay on top of the laundry at home.

Women, on the other hand, with their nesting instincts and natural bent for seeing the big picture tend to organize what they consider the necessities of life, including straightening up the home, doing the dishes, and staying on top of the laundry.

If work is brought home or children are involved on top of what it takes to keep a home running smoothly, your woman can spend all her free time at home organizing and carrying through with her plans to get it all done including the things you don’t find important.

Even if this imbalance is just the result of a difference in personalities and not the result of chauvinism, it can still produce bitterness and resentment in her that gets in the way of good loving.  There is a way to create balance and seduction at the same time.

Creating Balance

Create an opportunity to have a conversation with her where you volunteer to help.  Where you intend to help around the house needs to be something you are actually interested in doing, so go into this prepared.  You may be willing to be given a chore list.  However, if there are things you just do not want to become responsible for, think about which responsibilities appeal to you.

A good place to begin the conversation is to tell her you appreciate how much she does to keep the house running smoothly.  Tell her that if it were up to you, you would not notice all the things she does that make your house a home.

If this is true for you, share with her that you also like it when you find she has time to relax, put her feet up, or soak in the tub; how that kind of feminine expression makes her attractive to you.  Then tell her you want to help around the house.

Her Reaction May Vary

Depending on her personality, she may laugh and give you a hard time or she may drop her jaw in astonishment and gratitude.  You know her.  Go into this prepared.  Don’t expect her to fall all over you panting like a grateful puppy if that isn’t who she is!

If she hasn’t been able to express her need for help for a number of years, she may not realize how much resentment she has let build up in that time.  Your offer may throw her for a loop, creating a less than best response from her.

Hang in there; she will eventually get on board with your offer.  Maybe even tease you about what’s in this for you!

It may seem like a mundane thing to daydream about, but dream out loud about how this is going to work.  If you pitch in and help her, she will want to be able to count on you.  Think aloud and talk about things like, if you take over doing the dishes, you won’t do them exactly the same way she does.

Begin negotiating how big a deal that might be on the front end.  It will help relieve tension and increase the likelihood for success in the end.

If there are chores that were once yours but she took them over because it was easier than counting on you to follow through, talk about that.

Does she need to let you take those chores back and do them when and how you do it or do you need to be regular in your follow through with those chores?  Which chores does she really need done her way and which ones can she truly release to you?

Do not make getting more sex as a reward a part of your negotiations!  That will not feel good to her!  It will make her feel manipulated.

Following Through

Instead, follow through with whatever the two of you decide.  Set it up so that you are both willing to negotiate new plans if the first one you come up with doesn’t work as smoothly as you want.  Give it time to make a difference.

Then, make sure other kinds of tasks do not take the place of the chores she used to do!  Invite her to play, seduce her, and slowly but surely let her know that your life as a couple means a lot to you.  Tell her that nurturing who you are as a couple matters.

For her that probably includes conversation and doing things together like the chores.  For you that includes sex and doing things together that are more like play.  Communicate these things!

Sharing household chores may seem like a funky way to go about foreplay.  However, foreplay is essentially about drawing her out of her mind, where her worries and “to do” lists predominate, into her body where she can open and be receptive to you!  When you proactively help with chores, a whole bunch of worries and lists get erased, making your lover more accessible for play, intimacy, and making love!