Love & Relationships

How To Break The Communication Gridlock And Save Your Marriage

As a child I heard that “children are best seen not heard” so often I never spoke up in public about anything. We are taught to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves from an early age.

Gender differences in communication

Girls are taught subtly in the classroom to keep their ideas to themselves.

There was a study done years ago (sorry, I don’t recall the source) where they counted the number of times girls were called upon in class to boys, and the number of times girls were punished for speaking out of turn as opposed to boys. This study revealed that girls are called upon less, and punished for speaking out of turn more.

Boys, of course are taught to hide their feelings from toddlerhood. Our culture doesn’t even allow boys to learn the words for feelings. Then, older boys, fathers, brothers, teachers, and coaches shame them if they show any sign of having a feeling other than happiness or anger.

So it’s no wonder communication is so hard for us. Yet those of us who can overcome our difficulties with communication are the best equipped for any career and have far more financial and social success.

Environmental effects on communication styles

For myself, my “dysfunctional family” further complicated all the cultural edicts against communication. I learned to keep secrets, to protect others from my feelings (I didn’t want anyone to know how badly I hurt because then I would have to tell them why), and to try to guess what others wanted from me since they wouldn’t come out and tell me.

Coming into a marriage with this kind of baggage at age 43 and a history of two failed marriages did not bode well from my new partner. Yet he took the gamble (Yea!) and I think it has paid off for both of us.

To get to good communication from the very beginning we had to fight a number of difficulties.

First, I was phobic of his anger (anger in my family meant someone would get abandoned or hurt) and because of his own Self-Protector mode anger was his primary emotion. Second, I hid my real feelings because of how I had been trained as a child.

The first year of our marriage was turbulent and extremely painful at times. It was a good thing we were so crazy about each other or we could never have survived it!

Overcoming communication difficulties

Overcoming the fear of really being heard was a tough thing for me. I was pretty thoroughly entrenched in the “Victim” role. It has been an evolving process that resembles the peeling of the layers of an onion.

My husband loved me enough to hang in there with me as I peeled off the excess skin and let him see my real self. Because of my childhood wounds I never believed anyone would or could love the “real” me. Yet the opposite has proved to be true. The more I allow my real self to be exposed the more he loves me and the better friendships I develop.

But exposing my real self means telling people what I really think, feel, and need and that can make me feel very vulnerable. What if they don’t like it? What if they don’t like me? What if they get mad at me? What if they leave me? What if “something terrible” happens?

But the worst thing that can happen is my abandoning myself. It may not feel like that is the worst thing in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment the fear of the other person’s reaction feels worse than the consequences to the quality of the relationship, or the impact it has on you. But it is not. Abandoning yourself in this way prevents you from getting what it is you really want in your life and in your relationships. And ultimately, it keeps you from feeling good about yourself.

The ugly truth

The ugly truth is that if we speak our truths, if we say what we really feel and want (in ways that are both respectful and empathetic) the other person could still reject us and we could lose them.

But which is worse, rejecting ourselves or being rejected by another person? My personal experience is that if we are maintaining the relationship with a lie about who we are the relationship is doomed anyway.

In the course of my second marriage I seldom told my whole truth, I struggled to keep up the lie that I was okay with how things were going. I have never been so depressed as I was during those years.

Today, though my husband doesn’t always like it, I tell him what I think and what I need. This adds depth and authenticity to our relationship and cements our commitment to each other.

Speaking our truth may be hard. It may be terrifying in fact. But not speaking our truth can condemn us to unsatisfying, painful relationships with others as well as with ourselves.

Taking Ownership if our needs, wants and feelings while being Respectful and Empathetic with those we love can transform our lives and our relationships. It may be unsettling at first, but oh, is it ever worth it!

Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Read this first!

By paulcarlson

Sometimes, we have problems that we just can’t fix on our own.

Whether they’re relationship problems, sex problems or even behavioral problems and problems from our pasts, we don’t have the resources or the knowledge we need to right ourselves, no matter how hard we try!

Therapy can work wonders, but where do you start? There are hundreds and hundreds of different types of therapy available to you. How do you know which one is right for you?

What is the difference between the various types of couples counseling that’s available? (traditional counselor, hypnotherapy, alternative treatments, etc)

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Treating the problem chemically.

Psychiatrists are under the study that all mental illnesses and behavioral problems are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Psychiatrists often treat these illnesses with an array of medications that are intended to replace the lost chemicals or reduce the amount of abundant chemicals, therefore stabilizing the patient’s mood and behavior and quieting any mental illness.

Psychiatry is not a type of therapy that is for everyone, but it is certainly beneficial in some situations. Talk to your doctor to find out if a visiting a psychiatrist is something you should consider based on your current situation.

Talking it out.

A popular type of therapy nowadays is psychotherapy, or talk therapy. What happens in this type of therapy is that you and your therapist sit together for a determined period of time and together, you are able to talk through your issues.

Your therapist can give you the tools you need to make the changes in your own life that you need to make, and they can definitely be there to help you through difficult decisions and unpleasant situations such as divorce, a job loss or even relationship troubles.

Religious based therapy.

Everyone has a belief system and some people prefer to counsel with therapists that incorporate their chosen set of beliefs into the therapy. Catholics will often visit a priest to confess, and Christians and other religious people will visit a therapist of this same religion.

If your faith is an integral part of your life and is often what you base your life decisions on, it makes sense that you would seek out a therapist of your same beliefs.

Hypnotherapy and alternative therapy.

There are many different types of alternative therapies, including acupuncture, hypnotherapy, past life regression, reiki, and more. These types of therapy can work well on their own or even alongside a more traditional type of therapy. These therapies are designed to help bring you peace and an understanding of yourself. They too can help you work through life issues and help you learn what you need to solve your current problems and deal with new ones as they present themselves.

Only you can decide what type of therapy is right for you! Take your motivation into consideration, as well as your beliefs and whether or not you’d like your insurance to pay for the therapy sessions. The most important thing in therapy is to never have a closed mind, and to stick with your therapy long enough for it to work! Just a few weeks in therapy aren’t likely to do you any good, so talk with your therapist to find out where you see things going.

You and your therapist can work together to find a path through this life that is fulfilling and satisfactory. Seeking a therapist does not indicate weakness. It only indicates that you care enough about yourself and those around you to make some much needed changes in your life, and you have the power to do that!

Love, Sex, or Money? The Three Biggest Reasons Couples Fight and How They Can Be Avoided?

By paulcarlson

It’s a fact of life. Almost all couples fight!

Some arguments are mild and others are really knock down drag out fights where one or both partners come out breathless and wounded.

Not surprisingly, the reasons that couples fight aren’t all that different from couple to couple. They’re often the same!

While almost every couple argues and fights from time to time, regular fights can lead to serious discord in the relationship. Understanding why couples fight is the first key to stopping arguments in their tracks.

What are the biggest reasons that couples fight?

And can they be avoided?

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Compatibility

Some couples argue and fight because they’re simply not compatible with each other. Sometimes two people aren’t compatible with each other mentally or spiritually, and this can lead to lots of arguments. Often, these types of arguments will eventually lead to the end of the relationship because very rarely do two people with two totally different spiritual beliefs and mindsets work out.

More often, however, is sexual incompatibility. Whether you’re a novice who just can’t seem to get it right or someone with lots of experience in the sack who’s just gotten bored with the routine, if you and your partner aren’t hitting it off in the bedroom, you can have some serious issues out of the bedroom. Open up and talk to your partner about what you can do to ramp up the sex life or gain more experience. Don’t be afraid to incorporate new things!

Money

Many couples, especially married couples, argue and fight over money. In fact, money problems are the leading contributor to divorces in the U.S. Sometimes, there are issues over who makes more money or issues over who spends more money. If you’re having money problems though, you don’t have to resign yourself to a doomed relationship …

Talk to your partner and devise a budget and a spending plan that works for both of you. This is where you may need to get creative. Find something that works for you and your partner. If the Mr. Jones down the street brings home the bacon and the Mrs. stays home and cooks, that might work well for them.

In your relationship, however, it may work better if the Mrs. is a high powered executive CEO and he stays home to play Mr. Mom. With a little effort and planning, you and your partner can work together to find a compromise that works for your relationship!

Lack of Understanding

The biggest reason that men and women fight is that they’re from two totally different planets. Haven’t you read Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus? If you haven’t, you should get a copy this instant!

Men’s brains and women’s brains are actually hardwired differently. Sometimes, you and your partner could be fighting because you simply don’t understand each other! Do your homework and take some time to understand how your gender functions differently than the other.

You’ll be surprised to find that almost everything is different, even the social stigmas that are put on us every day. You’ll learn ways to communicate with your partner in a way they can understand and vice versa, eliminating many disagreements before they even start.

While almost every couple argues and disagrees, which is healthy, you don’t want to have to deal with fights on a regular basis as they can tear your relationship apart before you can even pinpoint what went wrong. Work to end these common reasons that couples fight and save the disagreements for situations that are unique to your relationship!

Is My Girlfriend Using Me Or Is Her Love Real?

By loveandsex

Usually it’s the other way around, but sometimes a man will be ready for a steady relationship and his girlfriend begins pulling away.

It can be confusing if you’ve started staying the night with your girlfriend or even taken the relationship to another level

when your girlfriend starts to pull away and act as though you and she are still in the beginning phase of the relationship.

What does it mean when a woman starts to pull away? What should you do if you’re ready for commitment and she’s not?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I started talking to this girl and we hooked up. Things escalated rather quickly and ended up with me staying with her. She dropped hints that she wasn’t actually ready for a relationship and while I was away on vacation, she told me to go back to my own place. We started hanging out again and then one day she asked me to stay the night. After that I have been staying there on and off. She is also dealing with a deep seated depression. She just started taking meds for it. The other day I noticed the change in her and now she is back to pushing me away. She is confusing me and I don’t know if I am wasting my time and she is just using me so she doesn’t have to feel alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-DW, Tennessee

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She Wants To Remain Casual. . .

So you and your girlfriend have gotten quite cozy recently. Perhaps you’ve been dating a few months or more and have started staying the night at each other’s apartments or houses. Maybe you even have your own toothbrush there.

Suddenly, your girlfriend begins to pull away. She stops asking you to come over as much and perhaps she finds excuses why she can’t come over to your house. She still seems interested in the relationship, but not at the level you were once at. She seems more interested in going back to the “dating” phase. Perhaps this has happened more than once. What does it mean?

Well, it might not mean anything other than your girlfriend isn’t ready for a steady relationship – and that’s okay! Try to talk to her openly and honestly without criticism. She may very well open up to you about why she has been shying away. Often, if she doesn’t cut things off completely, she’s still interested in you but may want to take things slow.

You really won’t know the absolute truth of what’s behind her shy behavior, however, until you talk to her. Just make sure that when you do, you’re respectful of her and her right to pull away if she wants. Don’t be judgmental or critical, or she might just shut down on you and you won’t get an answer either way.

What Do You Do?

Well, sometimes there’s nothing you can do. What your girlfriend wants is up to her, and truthfully, if you want to be with her you have to respect that. If you think your relationship has the potential to go somewhere in the future and you’d like it to, go ahead and take it slow and be casual for as long as she wants to. Take the time to get to know yourself and what you want in a relationship too.

If you’re ready for commitment and she isn’t, you need to make a decision if this is the person you really want to be with. You can’t make her commit to you and you can’t make her be more than casual.

You can, however, change what you do. Tell her honestly and without criticism that you want more than just a casual relationship. If she doesn’t want to take it to the next level, or has and keeps backing away, then move on to someone who will give you what you need.

Casual relationships aren’t necessarily bad and if your girlfriend suddenly decides she wants to back down and cool off from the relationship for awhile, it doesn’t always mean the relationship is doomed.

The best thing you can do is talk with her openly and share your feelings about the situation with each other. Neither of you are mind readers, so talk to each other about what’s going on if you want to get some answers.

I’m In A Bad Marriage – Should I Stay?

By loveandsex

If you find yourself in a marriage that makes you unhappy, you’re not the only one. It’s a difficult situation to get through.

Do you try to make it work? Do you try to leave, or get a divorce? Do you just leave well enough alone and try to be happy, even though you realize the rest of your life will be like that?

It can be even more difficult to sort through if you don’t have any support. Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hallo, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me recently and he never showed any guilt & never said sorry. I feel so much pain in my heart, I can’t trust him anymore, and he just goes out everyday after work to drink. I strongly feel I need a divorce but I don’t know how I will be able to take care of my 2 kids. I don’t have a job. My friends tell me to stay until I can manage on my own but I can’t see myself surviving. I thought of having a boyfriend but I don’t seem to get any maybe coz I’m no longer attractive or I look old. I’m only 30 y.o. I hope you can get me a male friend who is a Christian too and in a bad relationship like I am who can take me in and love me for who I am. I really want out, Please help me.

– Hellen, South Africa

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Realize That You Have The Power To Change Things

When a person is in a bad relationship or a bad marriage for many years, they often end up feeling oppressed, down on themselves and have a huge lack of confidence. These are all things that will hinder you from changing the status quo.

You do have the power to change the status quo, if you want to. If you decide that you’d like a divorce, or that you’d like to leave the relationship, you might want to look into counseling before you do. A counselor can help you work through the bad feelings that come with ending a relationship or marriage, and they can help you learn to love yourself again and have faith in yourself to do what needs to be done. These are all things that will help make it easier for you when you do leave.

Do What It Takes

Many people will make excuses for staying in bad relationships and bad marriages. They will often say, “I don’t have a job” or “I have kids.” People who have done this before you had many different things that made it extremely difficult for them to leave, but they did it. They did what needed to be done, such as getting a job or finding a way to support their children on their own.

You can too! If you want to leave badly enough, you have the power to find a way. Take some time and do a little research. Find out what you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and then take the initiative to do it!

Using Crutches

Some people are afraid to leave unless they have another relationship lined up, or someone to “rescue” them from the situation. If you wait for someone to rescue you, you’ll likely end up staying in your relationship or marriage forever! Going from one bad relationship to another is extremely unhealthy and you may end up worse off than you were before.

If you’re ending a marriage or relationship, especially one you’ve been in for many years, it’s important that you take time by yourself to understand what went wrong, what part you played, and to learn forgiveness. You need time by yourself to get to know yourself again!

Bottom line, you need to figure out if you’re ready to stay in this marriage and accept it for what it is or begin to move on and start your life over.

If you’re ready to do the latter, have faith in your ability to stand up for yourself and stand on your own two feet! You are a real person and can make things work if you have the drive and the initiative. If you find that you don’t have the self confidence or the trust in yourself to do what you need to do, don’t be afraid to get help!