Love & Relationships

How to Stop Resentment From Killing Your Relationship

After being married for a while, many couples find themselves in a situation where one partner feels angry, hurt, and/or resentful toward the other.

They feel that they’re the only one who’s made sacrifices for the relationship, that they gave up their dreams, so that their partner could succeed.

Is it possible to overcome these feelings of resentment and move forward to have a loving and caring relationship?

Here’s a question from Jim in Michigan who’s trying to work through these feelings himself.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How do I stop resenting my wife for all the things I gave up for her to have all that she wanted?

–Jim, Michigan

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPLPPUuGmJs[/youtube]

All The Things I Gave Up…

We often choose to ‘give up’ certain things in our lives for the ones we love.

They don’t force us to give them up, and because of this, it’s not fair to blame our partners, or anyone else, for the decisions that we make or for the things that we choose to give up.

Making sacrifices for those we love is a very admirable thing to do, and most of us do it because we want what is best for our loved ones.

Of course ‘give up’ is an interesting, and often misleading, phrase to use when referring to something in a relationship.

What ‘give up’ really means is that we’ve chosen to do something (or to not do something) in order to make our partners happy rather than to make ourselves happy.

Then we try to blame them because we’re unhappy with our decisions!

Parents are particularly notorious for this one, often saying things like, “All the things I gave up for you, and this is how you repay me!”

We did not ask our parents to change their lives or to give up their dreams for us, and yet many parents somehow blame their children for their own misery.

How Silly Is That?

We all make decisions every day that determine how we live our lives and whether or not we pursue our dreams – whether or not we’re happy.

Happiness is a choice.

We are not victims of circumstance, though many of us would like to believe that we are. If we were victims of circumstance then we wouldn’t have to take responsibility for our own lives. How convenient…

On the other hand, if we actually do take responsibility for our decisions and our happiness, then we have to own up to the fact that we are ultimately responsible for our own misery as well.

Unspoken Expectations

What normally happens in a relationship is that the moment we make decisions for the good of our partners rather than ourselves we create certain expectations for how our partners will react as a result of our ‘sacrifice’.

Essentially our partner’s positive reaction to our self-negating behavior is the very reason we make those kinds of decisions in the first place.

These ‘unspoken’ expectations can include all kinds of things – from a small recognition (such as a simple “thank you”) to an overwhelmingly positive response (such as complete attitude change).

From our (the sacrificer’s) perspective, we’ve chosen to give up certain things or ideals so that our partners can have what we perceive they want and need.

Often times we don’t even ask our partners if this is what they want and what will make them happy!

So when our partners don’t respond in the way we expected them to, we get angry and resentful and wonder why they didn’t keep their side of the bargain.

That’s not really fair to them, now is it?

So rather than basing our happiness on our partner’s actions or reactions, we should take responsibility for own happiness starting right now.

Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness

Here are some questions you should ask yourself.

What else will make me happy right now, in this moment?

Identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. This is not about your wife, your children, your boss, or anyone else. This is about you looking inside your own heart.

Don’t worry about what others might think or say. Ask yourself what would truly make you happy.

There’s a book called “The Passion Test”, that can be very useful in helping you identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. I highly recommend purchasing this book and actually reading it.

The only way you’ll ever be happy with yourself, or be able to have a happy and loving relationship, is to own up to your own happiness – to take complete responsibility for it, and to recognize that true happiness starts from within.

YOU OWN IT!

Thinking About Breaking Up Or Getting A Divorce? Try This First…

By loveandsex

Your marriage, or relationship, may look perfect from the outside, but what happens when it’s not so perfect on the inside.

You’ll almost certainly know that feeling, that inner cry for help, when you need someone to talk to about your marriage, or just a tough relationship problem… but you’re not sure who to turn to…

It can be really awkward talking about it with your friends and family.

After all, word travels fast, and you don’t really need everyone in your circle of friends and family to know you’re not ‘getting any’, or that you and your wife are fighting constantly and are on the verge of breaking up. On top of that, these people are biased – they have a stake in the game so to speak. They may feel that they need to take sides, or may even have their own reasons for keeping you together – or for helping you to break up! They are too close to the action to give you objective advice.

So what can you do? Is there a better option?

Why not see how someone else in the very same situation is dealing with the issue… and better yet, why not see what a bunch of objective third parties have to say about it. People who don’t have personal biases toward your situation, because they don’t even know you or your wife… They’re just offering up ideas and suggestions for remedying the problem and coming to a happy resolution.

I’m sure you see how that can be helpful.

A great open discussion forum site for marriage and relationship problems is the "Talk About Marriage" forums.

You can find help with pretty much any relationship problem, from coping with infidelity, dealing with anxiety or addiction related issues, and even going through a divorce or separation.

These forums are a surprisingly supportive community and an open, accepting atmosphere.

They actually have some pretty tough posting rules to make sure everyone actually stays positive and helpful. Their number 1 rule is to treat everyone with dignity and respect; anything less will get your account banned. As ground rules go, that’s definitely good place to start. The last thing you want is some guy being a real jerk when you’re sharing your deep personal relationship problems.

Some of the members even use the forums as a virtual journal, as in this thread started by a man trying to save his marriage. And here’s another in depth discussion about a man seeking help because his wife is waning to leave him. Notice the nuances of his cry for help, but also the helpful tips and advice from the forum community.

One thing we always like to see is motivated people helping others. As a perfect example, these forums were started by Chris Hartwell, who also runs the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, a nationwide directory for finding therapists and counselors in your area. His intention was for people to have an open, welcoming forum where they could discuss their marriage or relationship problems in a friendly environment, while also staying completely anonymous if they choose.

So check out the Marriage and Relationship forums and see what you think.

More likely than not, someone’s already had a similar issue to the one you’re having, and you can gain some insights into how they handled it. Either way, look around… And if you feel comfortable, consider making an anonymous account and asking the "Talk About Marriage" community what they would do in your situation.

Why So Many People Marry Someone JUST Like Their Mother (or Father)

By lisa

Have you ever wondered how in the heck your spouse can get under your skin the way that he/she can?

Does your partner’s behavior sometimes impact you on such a visceral level that you’re left vibrating for long periods of time?

I hate to be the bearer of news that might inflict deep psychic horror and disbelief – but you might have married one of your parents.

Did You Marry One Of Your Parents?

Okay, slowly peel yourself off of the floor now. Obviously, I don’t mean this in a literal sense – and not everyone will report this to be true.

Just consider the possibility that your partner shares some traits with one of your previous primary caregivers – the good, the bad, or both.

This is the topic of jokes to many, and there are still others who had never considered this until they found themselves on the couch at a therapist’s office, read a self-help book, or watched an episode on the subject on Oprah.

I can’t tell you how many people in my practice are filled with shock and awe by this realization.

For some, it’s a kind of funny moment – but for others, this realization can be quite upsetting, depending on what kind of experience they had with one or both of their parents.

Others struggle to wrap their brains around it at all. As light as a topic this might seem, it can be painful and stir up a lot of trouble for people in their current relationships. People can get caught up in destructive cycles that go round and round endlessly.

Why Did This Happen In The First Place?

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy and author of numerous books including, “Getting the Love You Want,” there are very good reasons why people unconsciously select partners with qualities – good and bad – of one or both of their parents.

He says, “We either overcompensate for what we didn’t get from our parents or blindly re-create the same painful situations.”

For example, are you deeply angered or hurt by your partner’s criticism? Does it cause more emotional reactivity than you would expect to have with friends, co-workers or acquaintances? Why would he/she have the power to rattle you in that way?

I believe our intimate partnerships and parental relationships are actually incredibly similar in the way we seek out “attachment” with these people. (I encourage a further look at “attachment theory” which is another very intricate subject on its own).

Parental relationships and intimate partnerships will typically be the most intense relationships we ever have – and have the ability to cause us the most pain – far more than friends, co-workers or acquaintances.

The similarity between these relationships is part of the key to understanding why we might be so emotionally triggered by things our partners do – particularly if they were also done to us when we were growing up and developing our sense of selves – and how we relate to others.

Hendrix talks about the idea of mate selection based on an unconscious pull to someone who causes us pain in a similar way to our parents – in order to “do over” the earlier wounding and make it right….

We probably don’t immediately notice the harsh side of our partners, but are swept up in all the positives – which are likely many. It’s sort of like the “honeymoon” phase where romantic love is in full swing and it’s not until we settle in do the little things start to come up and drive us up the wall.

In layman’s terms, your wife does something that reminds you (consciously or unconsciously) of a parent who might have hurt you this way, and you react like a lion on the attack.

Deep Down Your Fights Feel Uncomfortably Familiar

You might even have said, “I swear, you’re just like my mother!” It’s not only the negative traits that attract us but the positives as well.

However, it’s the “negatives” that get all the attention because of the emotional turmoil and relationship conflict it can stir up.

So, if a lot of us subconsciously pick partners who ultimately “trigger” us in some way, are we all destined to a life of occasional or frequent intense irritation, upset, or in some cases, rage?

Part of the answer is at least being aware of this phenomenon – and what your sensitivities are. Another part is talking about it openly with your partner and exploring ways you might both modify your behavior.

If communication itself is an issue in your relationship, this might be a bit more challenging.

Empathy and understanding are incredibly important when dealing with this subject matter. If an intolerable level of conflict and cyclical arguments continue then perhaps couples counseling would be helpful.

There are “Imago” therapists who have been trained specifically in this work.

I believe that by finding someone who at minimum comes from a theoretical orientation that accepts the “past impacting the present” and that parents influence how we are in relationships – you’d be off to a good start.

Consider It An Opportunity To Heal

If you think you’ve married your mother or father – don’t fret.

I believe most of us are in marriages where this comes into play for at least one partner – often both. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

On the contrary, if you come to an understanding of the forces at work, you are primed for the potential to have a very satisfying relationship.

If there are attachment wounds you suffered from a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to heal yourself within your marriage.

What Are You Really Fighting About? It May Not Be What You Think…

By melody

Jeanie was so upset with her husband.

He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to.

He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months.

She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce, if not an affair.

Why Is He Always Pulling Away?

Jeanie’s husband, Frank, was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat of an issue with Jeanie.

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch, and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about.

Frank was terrified of losing her to death.

He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable.

Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us.

Our Behavior Is Rarely As “Rational” As We’d Like To Believe

We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away.

But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have.

When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four. And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners.

Arguments Are Always About Something Deeper

We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do.

As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

Let me give you an example.

Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.

They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt. Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.

She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.

Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.

Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Empathy Is The Key To Understanding

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.

On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface. Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary.

But it’s always worth it.

Is It Wrong To Stay With Your Cheating Boyfriend?

By loveandsex

Should you dump your cheating boyfriend?

Hmmm… The answer to that one is not as easy as it sounds.

Should you listen to your friends and family?

Well, that depends on your friends and family. While it’s really easy to sit on the sidelines and say, “Yeah, dump him!”, it’s oftentimes not so easy when you’re the one doing the dumping.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons and it’s really important to understand those reasons before making a rash decision that you may regret for the rest of your life.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Well my ex and I were dating for a while but then he cheated on me. I still like him a lot and he likes me but I cannot trust him.

My family thinks I should not date him because he cheated on me. What should I do?

–Dylan, Florida

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib8BgG4i81A[/youtube]

Should You Dump Your Cheating Boyfriend?

So, your boyfriend has cheated on you. Does that mean you should leave him and stop dating him all together?

This is one of those questions that doesn’t really have a simple yes or no answer.

Our definition of cheating is a “breaking of trust” between two people. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper relationship problems, not the cause of them.

People cheat for many different reasons, but the most common reason is that they are trying to fill an emotional void of some sort. They normally feel that they’re not getting something from their current relationship.

To help your relationship move forward, it’s important to understand why that person cheated.

So we immediately have several questions that you should answer before you consider leaving him.

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Decision

Why did he cheat?

Was it a one night stand or an ongoing relationship?

Was he feeling lonely or neglected?

Did he succumb to temptation?

What was the state of your relationship before he cheated?

What is the state of your relationship now that he has cheated?

Are you able to talk about the circumstances that led up to him cheating?

Is he honest with you about his feelings?

Did he tell you that he cheated to come clean, or did he get busted? (You know, did he come up and say, “Hey I have really screwed up and I’m sorry”?)

Should We Break Up Or Not?

As you can see, the answer to whether you should or should not break up is not as black and white as many people make it out to be. There’s a lot of gray area that you and your partner need to talk about between the two of you.

As a couple, it’s critical to be able to talk openly and honestly about your feelings. That may be difficult to do when you’re hurt, but try to put aside your anger and resentment and truly listen to what he has to say.

If you’re not able to do it on your own, and this relationship is truly important to you, then I recommend seeking a professional counselor. The reason for this is that he or she can serve as a mediator in identifying the issues that are going on between you, and in many cases prevent an all out brawl.

A counselor can serve as an objective third party to help you come to a mutual decision about staying together or breaking up, rather than making a decision out of anger and other negative emotions.

Dating Is Not Marriage

It’s one thing to date someone casually and a completely different thing to consider marrying someone. It’s entirely possible to have a casual relationship and be able to accept the fact that they may or may not cheat on you again.

If he did it once, he’s very likely to do it again unless the two if you are able to work through the issues that caused him to cheat in the first place.

While casual dating is not the same thing as marriage, honesty is critical for any successful long-term relationship. If you are even considering getting married to this person, then it’s even more important to work through these issues now.

I would never recommend marrying a person that you do not trust 100%.