Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for Love & Relationships

Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified?

By

So you’ve started dating a new person and you’re curious about previous relationships… We all are.

We want to know if our partner has had sex with other people; and the masochistic side of us wants to know how many, and if they were better than us. But what happens when we find out…

Do we get angry? Do we accept our partner for who they are?

What would you do?

Are you really prepared to hear the truth? You better be before you ask the question.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JOUdqNmnA8[/youtube]

Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified?

It’s In The Past – Let It Go

The issue here is that we are all incredibly insecure about ourselves and our relationships…

The thing you have to realize is that previous sex partners and other life experiences are what made your partner who they are today. Just because he or she had sex with other people does not change how they feel about you now and should not change how you feel about them.

It’s A Control Thing

Why is it that men, in general, can be so judgmental about women? It seems to be a bit of a quagmire.  Men expect women to be virgins and women expect men to have eyes only for her after they meet.

In reality this is just a control thing…

Recognize that you cannot control another person; either their actions before they met you, how they feel and act when there with you, and what they do after they move on from you.

It’s time to recognize that we’re all human beings who come from different places and circumstances and we all have life experiences that are different from one another. It’s time to stop judging one another and accept our differences.

There’s an old 70’s song called “Walk a Mile in My Shoes”. I think we should all listen to the lyrics of this song before passing judgment on another.

Here just a few lines:

If I could be you and you could be me for just one hour

If we could find a way to get inside each other’s mind

If you could see me through your eyes instead of your ego

I believe you’d be surprised to see that you’d been blind.

Walk a mile in my shoes, walk a mile in my shoes

And before you abuse, criticize and accuse

Walk a mile in my shoes.

And for those a little younger, how about “What It’s Like” by Everlast…

God forbid you ever had to walk mile in his/her shoes

Then you really might know what its like to have to choose

Then you really might know what its like (what its like)

These two songs contain strong wisdom that crosses generations.

Avoid Anger, Judgment, And Resentment

The irony here, is that we all want honesty and our relationship, but, with one huge caveat… We want our partner to tell us what we want to hear, whether it’s true or not.

To make your relationship work, you simply have to learn to avoid anger, judgment, and resentment. These emotions can eat us up inside.  It’s time to forgive, love, and accept one another for who we really are, not to someone else thinks we should be…

If you’re not able to accept a partner for who they are today, recognizing that their past experiences are what made them who they are today, then it’s time to move on.

This is not the right relationship for you. Keep looking for that perfect person who has none of your faults and who has never made a mistake.

Not what she wanted to hear? Sorry. Just being honest…

How Sex Is Different After Divorce

By

Just kidding! It’s not…

Sex, in all of its intimate glory, is the same wonderful act you experienced in your marriage.

Unfortunately, for many men this may not necessarily be the case, because as a woman’s emotional attachment to her mate decreases, so does her physical attraction.

As one of the multitude of divorced men, you may have been in a loveless, sexless marriage with your spouse. Now that you’re unattached and "back on the market" per se, you could be gunning for more physical intimacy than you experienced in your last relationship.

This isn’t necessarily negative; sex is a natural act and the fact that you desire it means your heart is pumping in your chest.

What Is Different About Sex After a Divorce?

Nothing at the surface level. But dig deeper and there may be emotional issues you are battling in regards to your rediscovered physical freedom.

If you are one of those men who was in a low sex relationship with your spouse you may have learned to repress your natural urges and instincts. Now that you are single, you no longer have anything holding you back from pursuing the physical relationship that you desire.

Sex in marriage can often be a liberating experience that each partner shares.

Physical attraction is the glue that pulls people together in ways that they can express by sharing. People who bond at those levels connect deeply with each other and sex adds another bond between them that connects their emotional relationship with the physical.

A divorce alters that, makes you question yourself, and leaves you without that bond.

Don’t Play Emotional Russian Roulette with Your New Partner

Emotions run deep in most relationships, particularly in a marriage when you’ve been intimate with the same partner for years.

When granted the freedom to be with who you want it’s possible to give undesired love to your new partner. You may be craving that emotional connection you shared with your spouse and now you are laying it on your new girlfriend (or boyfriend) and letting it cloud your emotions.

Essentially you are playing Russian Roulette with your feelings with your partner.

Don’t Repeat Mistakes by Trying Not to Repeat Them

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from my divorced brother. It was quite simple and obvious yet I previously had not thought of this.

"Don’t let yourself put blinders on to your new relationship by looking for what you didn’t get from your last."

It was remarkable.

Looking inward it’s possible to see that we consciously and unconsciously judge our past and current relationships against one another. Naturally we’ll focus on the flaws on our past relationships and how our new partner does or doesn’t compare.

We sometimes miss our mark and overlook the flaws of our new partner because they meet some of the needs we didn’t receive from our past lovers.

What Does All This Mean?

Look inward as you approach new relationships, and try to know what your needs and wants really are.

Be sure you are emotionally ready to become intimate with a new partner and that it will be a healthy experience. It’s easier to be comfortable with another person when you are comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural expression of this comfort and attraction.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married. 

3 Tips to Help You Get Over a Break Up – Quickly!

By

Love is a complex concept that philosophers, scientists and romance novelists have struggled with for centuries, if not a millennia.

Is it a metaphysical experience that blends the attraction of souls to one another (ala “soul-mates”), or is it a human ability to sense pheromones and is therefore a bodily function?

Whatever the explanation may be, love is a fact and we all want to receive it.

Givers of Love

Some people are natural givers. They enjoy showering attention, love and care on those who are around them.

They show love from their words, physical actions and gift-giving. Givers have an inclination to be very empathetic to the ones they love. Everyone has the ability to be a giver. In essence we ALL give, we just do it in different ways.

Receivers of Love

Receivers do not automatically “take” – a common stereotype. We are all receivers in some way. Everyone enjoys feeling love and attention. Receivers naturally receive more than they give. They naturally tend to crave attention from those around them.

Are You a Giver or a Receiver?

We all experience love in different ways, as givers and receivers.

As men, many of us are have an inclination to be receivers. Think about the world around us, about how our culture is geared toward making men into receivers of love and affection rather than givers.

We get used to receiving. Most men are conditioned to be receivers and many women are condition to be givers.

When You Stop Receiving Love…

Nothing in this world can be matched with giving and receiving love. It can make time slow down and make a few seconds last for hours when you are together.

When you are apart, a day can feel like a week. In many ways it can be addictive, to feel and enjoy that love you have been receiving. Like a drug you can become dependent upon it.

Somewhere in the past we’ve all been there. That point where we can tell the relationship has changed.

She has stopped giving, you have stopped receiving, or vice versa. Something is different. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s obvious things have changed.

Do you panic? Do you feel your heart pound in your chest and your ribs compress around your lungs?

Do you analyze it all and look for all of the signs of break up?

If you do, you’re not alone. Everyone feels grief at the end of a relationship. Dealing with it and focusing on what to do, and not why, is a good way to help yourself through it.

Grief is a Natural Response

The grieving process will undoubtedly come into affect; you may feel hurt, angry, more hurt, more angry, seething with rage at one minute and balling your eyes out the next.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, you aren’t the first person to have your heart broken and you won’t be the last.

Many of the most stout individuals can delay their grief, postpone it, and it will come back to smother them. Feeling grief is natural. Prolonged grief can turn…

Prolonged grief can turn into depression so think about how long you have been grieving and if it affects other aspects of your life.

Focus On “What” and Not On “Why”

The devil is in the details. Focusing on the “why” will happen.

Why did I not do this, or why did she not do that?

Trying to understand the why of breakups and why feelings change is like expecting yourself to understand what love is.

If you don’t know “why” you will focus on yourself.

What did I do? What COULD I have done? These aren’t the “whats” we are looking for. We are looking for “What can I do to move forward?”

Here are a few pointers and things to keep in mind to help get passed a break up.

3 Tips to Help You Get Passed a Break Up

1. Remember Grief is Natural.

You’re not less of a man (or woman) if you feel pain. We’re human, we have emotions and feelings. Welcome to the top of the food pyramid.

2. Get the Support You Need

Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel supported?”

Contact your friends and family and let them in. Nothing shows love like opening up to your loved ones and letting them help you. At our weakest we can be at our strongest.

3. Stay Busy and Productive

Ask yourself, “What can I do to stay busy?

Sitting around and moping can be tedious and affect your health.

Get out and exercise, take yourself out to a movie, go see a friend. Don’t sit and feel sorry for yourself, stay active. Exercise will increase your health and will make you feel better.

Love can make you feel immortal. It can also hurt. That is the other side of the coin.

Think about “what” you can do with yourself after a breakup instead of “why” the break up happened.

Look at how you can love yourself and rely on yourself and not the love of another person. In the long run, you are all you really have control over.

Guidelines for Getting Along

By

Social relationships, and especially close intimate relationships, face many difficult challenges. 

Conflict is inevitable unless we play fair and exercise restraint as we go after all life has to offer.

Here are some simple guidelines based on the principles of emotional competency that can help our relationships grow stronger.

 

  • Expect respect. Don’t tolerate disrespect. Don’t show disrespect toward others. Don’t ignore disrespect directed toward yourself or others.
  • Don’t take the bait. Don’t take anything personally. Ignore distracting, trivial, unfounded, or misguided provocations. Avoid pointless and destructive dominance contests. Discuss the facts, don’t attack the person.
  • Don’t make assumptions. Suspend judgment until you can gather representative evidence and confirm the facts. Challenge and investigate the source of rumors rather than passing them on.
  • Don’t tolerate Ad hominem (personal) attacks. Do not make them yourself. Do not ignore them when you hear them. They are a fallacy and a dangerous precursor to hate.
  • Refuse to hate anyone. Explain and reconcile your loss, hurt, or distress through careful analysis, not by blaming others or by hating others. Emphasize all the important things you have in common, not the small ways you differ. Hate is only sustained by cognitive error. Find and correct that error.
  • Don’t overlook logical fallacies or factual errors. They are clear evidence of poor thinking, and often of deliberate deception. Apply the theory of knowledge continuously to evaluate all you see and hear.
  • Always act congruently with your well-chosen values and beliefs. Be authentic.
  • Conflict is inevitable. Learn to resolve it constructively. Attend to both the relationship and the issues. Get along as you get ahead together.
  • You are a competent, autonomous adult. You are fully responsible for all your words and actions, as are other competent adults. Be impeccable with your word; do what you say.
  • Never resort to violence or abuse. Learn to recognize it in all its forms. Don’t cross the line, even in retaliation. There is always a better way; find it. Seek a constructive dialog.
  • You cannot change other people. You can better understand them, learn from their viewpoint, demonstrate empathy and compassion, dialog with them, help them resolve ambivalence, model desired behavior, describe likely outcomes, assist them in making changes they decide to make, and perhaps influence them.
  • Loss is often permanent. Accept the past, learn from it, and move on.
  • Know what you can and cannot change. Change what you can, and accept what you cannot change.
  • Dignity is unalienable; it is intrinsic to our humanity and it cannot be taken away. Consistently acknowledge the dignity inherent in yourself and all others.
  • You deserve to have fun and enjoy life. Balance optimism with a healthy skepticism to maintain a realistic outlook on life.
  • Seek gratification and significance. Life is not a dress rehearsal, do what matters now. Life is too short to indulge in destructive, wasteful, or meaningless activities.

Following these simple, but often challenging rules can keep your relationships healthy, constructive, and enjoyable.

Do your best each day.

More on helpful and unhelpful rules is at: emotionalcompetency.com. Guidelines for dialogue are available at: emotionalcompetency.com/dialog.htm

Suspect Your Boyfriend or Husband of Cheating? What If You Could Track Exactly Where He Goes and When?

By

Do you know that agonizing feeling, when you suspect your loved one is cheating on you, but you just can’t put your finger on why? The panic, the fear, the self doubt, and then the inevitable denial… because nobody really wants to face that possibility and it’s implications.

Cheating is a betrayal of trust, which is what makes it so painful to be on the receiving end.  And the only thing worse than being cheated on is not knowing for sure, just suspecting that SOMETHING may be going on.

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just follow him or her around like a fly on the wall, to know once and for all if you’re just making this up or if it’s real?

Well, technology has come a long way in the last years, and today you can actually do just that. The technology to actually digitally monitor someone’s movements through GPS is available today, from companies like LandAirSea.

The GPS Tracking Key from LandAirSea is basically a small spy gadget that is small, easily concealable, and can track where a person goes, for how long, and even how fast. The pocket sized GPS Tracking Key receives signals from the twenty-four Department of Defense GPS satellites orbiting the earth. It’s internal computer accurately determines the GPS location of the device within 2.5 meters and records this data every second. The data can then be downloaded and viewed in Google Earth simply by plugging the Tracking Key into the USB port of a computer.

Think of it as a video recorder for your (or his) car. Silently recording everywhere it goes, without anyone being the wiser.

In fact, this type of tracking technology has even been used to solve crimes, like this murder case. Here’s the NBC report on how this hidden GPS tracking device worked in a surprising real life situation.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpM1wJ-AXZs[/youtube]

Suddenly, you CAN know for sure if he’s really coming straight home after work, or taking a little “detour”. Ideally you could just ask him and have an open and honest discussion on the situation, but this is pretty unlikely in most infidelity situations.

So isn’t it a little creepy and “stalkeresque” to follow your significant other around with a hidden GPS tracking device? Well, yeah, sure it is. But it really sucks to suspect infidelity and not know. Facing just about any situation is much easier than worrying and being afraid of it… not knowing is always the worst. So either you end the relationship because something “may be happening”, or you find out for sure.

And no cheater is going to admit anything if you don’t have blatant, obvious evidence. Even then, you’re unlikely to get a plain admission.

At the end of the day, trust is the most important component in a relationship. Suspicion, lying, and any kind of deception is a sure way to destroy your relationship. Once you start lying to your partner, it becomes easier and easier… and soon thereafter the trust is broken, and so is the relationship. So stay honest with those you love.

But if you get that nagging feeling in your gut that something is just not right, and you really want to know for sure if he’s seeing someone else and lying about it, do yourself a favor and find out for sure.

Depending on your specific situation and the local laws in your jurisdiction, something like the GPS Tracking Key may well be an option for you.

That type of fear and uncertainty is no way to live. One way or another, put your mind at ease so you can move forward and enjoy your life again.

This article is brought to you by LandAirSea Systems. To sponsor an article on AskDanAndJennifer.com, click here.