Love & Relationships

Do You Know The Secret To Marital Bliss?

Wow! I’m so Glad I Married You!

The main thing I remember about being with my ex-husband is how angry I felt all the time.

I was always unhappy with him about something.

He didn’t care if the living room was covered with screws from the many computer parts he was constantly putting together.

He didn’t care that I was alone almost every night in a small town miles away from my family while he was working late at night. He disregarded my feelings about most things and pretty much did as he liked with no regard for me.

I had a long list of gripes, serious complaints and general dissatisfaction with him that ate me up every day. When I left him I felt such relief, just to not be carrying all that resentment any more.

Being Single for 10 Years Gave Me a New Perspective

After being single for nearly 10 years I finally met and married my current husband. And, I have to say, I did a lot of work on myself in the interim. The gripes that that I had regarding my ex-husband, I am chagrined to disclose, were mostly kept to myself.

That is, between my girlfriends and myself, they all knew; my husband didn’t.

So now, going into this marriage I was determined to speak my truths and not pretend that everything was okay when I was deeply or even shallowly perturbed with him. Needless to say my first year of marriage was tough.

After years of not speaking my truths I began to realize that my truths were not THE truth. The fact that there were other ways of looking at things, and other perspectives was a shock to me, in spite of my training and knowledge.

This left me with a new way to look at my life, and what was happening in my marriage. Maybe there were other ways to look at what was happening, and had happened in my previous marriages (yes, marriages, plural).

You see the funny thing is that both my most recent ex-husband and my current one are in the same line of work. They even share the same name, and initials, first, middle and last. Both are hardheaded and extremely bright. Both work very hard and care a lot about their family.

Yet the quality of my relationship with my current husband is light years from my previous one.

Honestly, while some of this has to do with their differences (they are not exactly alike, even with all the similarities) – I really don’t believe that explains it fully.

The Gift of Gratitude

The difference that counts is that I am different. I am so very different in many ways, but the one that hit me tonight is that I am now able to be grateful for my husband.

Understand, my husband is not perfect. He has, like all spouses, his quirks and…

He has, like all spouses, his quirks and neurotic tendencies.

He has things about him that I am not all that fond of and he will, on occasion, royally piss me off. And there are times when he gets downright negative and bitter.

But, those things are not what I focus on. Today I realized that for the past 8 years of our marriage I have been blissfully happy, over all. I also realized that when I think about him, I don’t think about the things that piss me off or frustrate me.

I think about the things I am so grateful for about him.

Our thoughts are powerful things. I know many of us have heard the idea that “Thoughts are Things.” But I am here to testify to you that you can indeed change the quality of your relationship by how you think about what is happening.

Negative Traits Do Not Destroy a Marriage

When my husband was trying to develop a company that never made a dime and cost us what remained of our life savings (after the stock market crash), I didn’t nag him and focus on how bad things were. Instead I continued to focus on how grateful I was for him and all the things he brings to my life.

When he would pout and fume at me when I would return from trips to various activities, I didn’t push back and become bitter and angry with him. I focused on how glad I was to have him to come home to, even if he was temporarily unhappy with me.

When he got depressed after months of looking for work and not finding it, I didn’t focus on his bitterness. I just continued to focus on how grateful I was to have him.

The things he does for me are huge.

He holds me in the mornings before he gets up. He makes sure the pool is clean and the lawn is mowed. He feeds the dog and initiates doing the laundry on Saturday. He fixes anything I have that needs to be fixed. He helps me with projects I am working on and encourages me in the things I want to do.

He cares if I am unhappy and holds me when I cry.

Happiness Has No Price

Any of those things are worth the price I pay to be married to him. Having him be there to be a partner in my life is a gift that I cannot possibly express the value of in one sitting.

And, he doesn’t have to do any of the above all the time. In fact, he doesn’t. He doesn’t do them “perfectly” or always in the ways I would want him to do. But that is insignificant.

The funny thing is that I realized the full value of my gratitude for him on this Thanksgiving. This year he will make more money than both of us put together have ever made. We are closer than we have ever been and he is excited about the things he is doing and where his life is going. So am I.

I continue to be overwhelmingly grateful for him.

Focus On What You Do Have!

I am not telling you this for you to hear what a great husband I have. I am telling you this for you to stop focusing on what you DON’T have and start focusing on what you DO have.

Start being grateful for the fact that you have someone in your life that says they love you. Be grateful for the fact of this person. Be grateful for the fun times, the sad times, the stressful times because you have someone on the ath with you.

Be grateful every time they hold you, kiss you, do some small thing for you. Be aware that each thing they do for and with you is a gift that is priceless.

My husband has no idea that my gratitude is so great. He doesn’t really need to know that I am constantly in a prayer of sorts about how thankful I am that he is in my life.

Yet he does know, somehow, that he is appreciated. His knowing that he is appreciated makes him want to do and be more. It, unconsciously, pushes him to want to be what I need him to be. It gives him a sense that he matters and increases his sense of self worth. He feels happier.

A happier mate means a happier partnership. Thus, giving me even more to be grateful for every day.

Try it, you’ll be amazed!

5 Ways to Survive Being Around Your In-Laws This Holiday Season

By lisa

Hardly anyone I know can say that their families don’t have “issues” of some kind or another. This is just part of life for most of us – navigating through our family’s overt or covert drama.

For some of us the complications in our families of origin are far more intricate and obvious than for others. For those lucky others, things are pretty peachy without too many old skeletal bones rattling in the closet. Regardless, we all deal with our own situations differently.

What if your partner has a decidedly more difficult family than your own?

What if, by default, you’re expected to engage with people who leave a sour taste in your mouth and for whom conflict is as much a part of their daily lives as your sleepy morning shuffle to the coffee pot is for you?

Many Couple’s Seek Counseling Because of “In-Law Issues”

One of the things couples seeking counseling often struggle with is just this – difficulty and frustration around navigating through the subculture of their partner’s family.

I call it a “subculture” because families operate with their own roles, rules, expectations and homeostasis. Many of us can relate to the feeling of nervous anticipation prior to a family gathering with another’s high-tension family. It can feel a little like walking on a tightrope to get to the other side – or into the car in which to make your getaway!

In this article, I will not go down the road of the decision-making around whether or not you should engage with your partner’s family. I will continue with the assumption that the decision has been made that you feel it’s necessary to learn to deal with the family in question.

Also, “difficult” will here be defined as common issues addressed in couples counseling where partners’ families are concerned, such as frequent arguments, acceptance by family, jealousy, alcohol use/abuse, etc. I am not including extremely serious issues like physical, sexual and emotional abuse as the presence of these concerns have far more implications than I’m addressing here.

Walking into the subculture of the other family requires a combination of skills, some “partner” centered and some “you” centered. Here are six tips to help survive your difficult partner’s family.

6 Steps To Help You Deal with Your Partner’s Difficult Family

1) Use Active Listening Skills

This is the first step in good communication in any situation but is particularly helpful in a potentially problematic exchange. Listen carefully to what the other has said then carefully reflect back, to assure that you heard them right and they feel understood.

If you have something to say that might illicit defensiveness by the other, begin your statement with “I feel” followed by an emotion, preferably one that will have a disarming effect.

For example, “I feel sad when I try to make conversation with you and it appears you’re ignoring me.” You can’t control what the other’s response will be but you can decrease the chance of escalation.

The idea is to listen, reflect, validate and empathize with the other.

In an ideal world, both people use this communication tool together – but at least you can try to do your part to avoid getting dragged down the rabbit hole.

Remember that there are many people who will still try to drag you down there.

Simply smile and say, “I can see this is upsetting you,” or “I can see we’re not communicating well and I’m sorry about that – enjoy your coffee cake…” Do your best not to further engage in a conversation that will likely turn ugly, no matter how much active listening you attempt to use.

2) Stay Focused on Supporting Your Partner

Your mate is very likely aware of the pitfalls of his/her own family. It possibly has caused a lot of frustration, headaches and possibly heartaches in his/her own life.

For this reason, try to remain focused on supporting your partner. Many people believe that “family is family” and you accept them no matter what. The idea of being cut off from one’s family is sometimes more painful than just “dealing” with them. Stay tuned into how your partner’s feeling and be supportive – regardless if the idea that slowly scratching an ice pick down a chalkboard sounds more appealing than spending the evening with them.

3) Activate Your Personal Force Field

As “Star Trek-esque” as this sounds, this is a great self protection tool that only requires a little visualization.

If you have a lot of emotional reactivity that comes up around the idea of spending time with your partner’s family, the day of the planned meeting, begin imagining a force field that encircles you in a protective bubble and can be activated at any time.

This bubble is invisible to others but you know it’s there and has the ability to deflect negative energy, criticism, hostility and any other irritation that fits for your situation when it comes to your significant other’s family.

Make it an inside joke of your own – you could even whisper to yourself, “force field up” when it’s needed or just think it in your head. You might determine a particular spot on your body that is the activator button. As silly as this may sound to some, this type of visualization can be extremely useful – and the humor around it makes it an automatic stress reliever. Force field up!

4) Avoid Triangulation Between Family Members

Bowen Systems theory states that when there is anxiety between two people, a third person will often be triangulated in to reduce the anxiety.

Don’t get caught in the middle between your partner’s family members.

You are a visitor to the family system (until you’re welcomed and accepted in) and you are asking for trouble by letting a member whisper in your ear about another person. If someone attempts to triangulate you into a situation, let them know you’d rather not get involved. If the person persists, politely excuse yourself. Danger Will Robinson.

5) Breathe

Whether you’re practicing your active listening, trying to remember to remain supportive of your partner, activating your force field or avoiding being triangulated between two family members, the skill of breathing effectively will ease you through it all.

With proper breathing technique (deep in through the nose, all the way down to the belly and slowly out through the mouth), your physiology has a much better chance of remaining unaroused – your calm place. If you have moments of frustration, irritation or the like, step outside or excuse yourself to the restroom to spend a moment taking a few good deep breaths. They’ll take you a long way.

Are You Really In Love Or Just Wearing Blinders?

By melody

What is a “Fan”?

A “fan” is someone who sees something in someone else that they admire and to which they are overwhelmingly drawn.

They see the object of their admiration as someone who is above the rest of us.

The word “fan” comes from the word “fanatic”, which means a person who expresses “extreme zeal, piety, etc.; goes beyond what is reasonable; zealot” (according to yourdictionary.com)

What is a zealot?

Being a zealot “implies extreme or excessive devotion to a cause and vehement activity in its support” (again, from yourdictionary.com).

What is the Difference Between Being a “Fan” (i.e. Zealot) and Being “In Love”?

According to freedictionary.com being “in love” means “deeply or passionately enamored”.

So what does “enamored” mean?

Freedictionary.com says it’s “foolish or unreasoning fondness”. Hmm, sounds a lot like “excessive devotion” doesn’t it? In fact, one of the words used to describe “devotion” is “zeal”!

One of the things I’ve learned about “fans” from clients who are public figures is that “fans” cannot see the object of their zeal as human beings. Fans tend to project attributes to the object of their zeal that are super human. They expect the object of their zeal to be perfect and incapable of anything less than kind, loving, mature, and “godlike” behavior.

So if being a fan is identical to being “in love”, what does that say about the “in love” state?

When we are “in love” we are really incapable of seeing the object of our “excessive devotion” as anything less than perfect. We attribute them with “godlike” qualities, just like a fan does. We expect them to be everything we need them to be.

We expect them to live up to our every expectation and display superhuman qualities. We blind ourselves to their imperfections or we dismiss them as unimportant. Our tendency is to see the object of our “excessive devotion” with eyes that filter out their flaws.

Have you ever known someone who was “in love” with someone that you could clearly see was bad news? Their “excessive devotion” prevented them from being able to clearly see the other person.

What then is the impact this has on our “relationship” with the object of our “excessive devotion”?…

Being “In Love” is Not the Same as Being in a Relationship

In fact, as with a fan, when you are “in love” there is not really a relationship yet! There is potential for a relationship, but being “in love” is not yet a relationship.

In my experience, being “in love” is a kind of hypnotic state. We transfix our attention on someone so wholeheartedly that we hypnotize ourselves into seeing what we want to see in the other person. That doesn’t mean that this other person doesn’t really have many great traits, but it does mean that we can only see what we want to see in this state.

And it feels really good to be the object of this kind of adoration. Ask any rock or movie star, they love the zeal of their fans. It’s what motivates them even through periods of slumps in their careers.

The feeling of being adored is addictive. We love that feeling and want to keep it. Often this is why people rush to get married before the “in love” state wanes. It’s an altered state that feels exciting; the zeal feels wonderful.

Being “In Love” is Not the Same as Being Intimate

But being in the “in love” state is not the same thing as intimacy. Intimacy literally means: “in to me see”. Being “in love” requires not really seeing the other person, but instead seeing what you want to see, in the same way a fan sees the object of their zeal.

Intimacy is a process that takes time and courage.

It takes letting down walls and revealing both appealing truths about oneself and the unappealing ones. And more importantly it requires a willingness to see the other’s true self.

When we are “in love” we avoid seeing what we don’t want to see. In intimacy we strive to know more about our partner, we risk that we will see things we don’t like. With intimacy we allow our partner to be flawed, and still loveable. With intimacy we allow ourselves to be seen, trusting that we are loveable even with all our foibles.

The “in love” “fan” state cannot tolerate this kind of reality. “Excessive devotion” cannot exist when our vision is no longer clouded with illusions.

In order to become intimate we have to become disillusioned. We have to lose the illusions we maintain in order to be “in love”.

Then we can experience intimacy and a deeper, inclusive kind of love that allows our partner (and ourselves) to be imperfect.

3 Reasons Why Married People Have Better Sex

By speaksexy

It’s true, people who are married or in long term relationships continually report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people who are single or dating.

The old belief that committing yourself to one person dooms you to a life of sexual monotony is wrong.

Rather than placing limits on your sexuality, the emotional environment created by long term relationships (LTRs) actually fosters a more varied, creative, and explorative sex life.

3 Reasons Why Sex is Better in a LTR

1. Greater Sexual Frequency

The most obvious reason why sex is potentially better in a committed relationship is the general availability of a sex partner. Unlike the dating phase, most people in LTRs end up living together, which means sharing their nightly beds as well as their daily lives. This closeness often gives rise to more opportunities for sexual contact.

Instead of having to make a date to get together, and then trying to seduce your date into your bed, he or she is already there!

To counter this point some argue that sex happens most frequently in the beginning stages of a relationship, so “serial daters” have more sex than those in LTRs. But this isn’t actually true.

On average married couples have sex once or twice a week, which may not seem like very much to someone who is in a “hot” new relationship and having sex three times a day. But remember, married couples have sex once or twice a week every week, all year long, for years!

And some LTR couples have much more sex than that. Of course the frequency of sex also depends on lifestyle changes such as children, stress levels, etc. But even after all of these things are accounted for, the average person in an LTR still has more sex in a given year than the average single person.

2. Easier Communication Means More Satisfying Sex

Couples who have lovingly and willingly committed themselves to each other share an emotional bond that is deepened by constant communication. They talk openly about everything – including their sexual likes and dislikes.

Once people are at the point in their relationships where they feel secure with their partners (knowing that ‘saying the wrong thing‘ won‘t jeopardize the relationship itself), they are much more willing to be upfront about what pleases them – and what doesn’t.

For example, it’s a lot easier to tell someone, “You know, I really don’t like it when you squeeze my thighs so hard during oral sex. It’s too distracting…” when you’ve been with them for a long time than when you’ve just started having sex together.

Said to someone in a stable relationship, the above admission will probably be received in a “Good to know, thanks for telling me” kind of way. But said to someone in the early stages of a relationship, the admission could be received offensively because the underlying emotional foundations of security that are needed to support sexual technique criticisms just aren’t there yet.

The open and consequence-free conversations that characterize LTRs usually lead to a very intimate understanding of what both partners sexually enjoy, making each sexual episode an opportunity for improvement.

3. Trust Allows for Experimentation

Once all the talking is over, it’s much easier to put those communicated desires into action if both partners trust each other completely. Most sexual experimentation – from trying new positions to living out one’s wildest fetish fantasies – happen inside of LTRs.

Yes, there are instances when one partner refuses to do or try something the other partner would like, but usually couples are able to find compromises or alternatives. And once an activity is found that thrills them both, they can continue exploring it, and all its variations, to the fullest.

So the next time someone tries to convince you that marriage or commitment will ruin your sex life, remember all the reasons why this simply isn’t true. Healthy relationships are the best places to develop, explore, and deepen your own understanding of all the wonderful emotional and physical experiences sexuality has to offer.

Featured Author, Rose Rivera has a Masters degree in Family and Sexuality Studies and is the founder of SpeakSexy.org, a website dedicated to keeping readers abreast of the latest sexuality trends in an intelligent, provocative, and erotic way. For more great sex tips be sure to sign up to Speak Sexy’s feed today!

7 Personality Traits You Need to Survive a Break-Up

By eddie

Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful break up, I noticed a strong shift in different areas of my life. I’d become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved – I was simply able to enjoy life more.

That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn’t sure if the techniques I used would help other break up or divorce victims as well.

Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?

That’s when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a break up.

I had a concrete idea of what a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their break ups or divorces.

The Interviews

I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.

Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort – with natural lightness. I then especially targeted those, for I was sure that they had some special traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.

My coaching program was born.

Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of break ups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.

Here are the 7 Most Important Traits for Overcoming a Break Up Fast:

1. Independency

Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?

Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don’t need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It’s important to realize this.

Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence. This is especially important for housewives, who don’t work outside the home for their living.

2. Having a Life-Goal

Most of the successful break up survivors have a life goal, which is independent from their relationship. This could be a business, a work related career or a success in sports. Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.

It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that’s vital in your life.

3. Mental Control

One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from break ups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.

Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we are able to break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.

Persons who practiced meditation and other mind-controlling techniques before the break up were in a better position to handle these situations.

4. High Self-Esteem

Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then a separation would of course be a drastic experience for you.

It is very important to develop a natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a break up or divorce.

To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.

5. Having an Extroverted Personality

You can divide mankind in two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.

I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break ups much easier.

They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a break up.

Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is very difficult to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.

6. Being the Action-Type

How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action-solution type, or do you tend to hide yourself away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where the humanity divides in two types.

Of course we all know that it’s better to be a problem solver, unfortunately this doesn’t make it easier. This is a socially induced problem, so it’s possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.

The action-type personality suffers much less from break ups or divorces. Taking action drives away fears.

7. Experience in the Dating-Game

“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a break up.

If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game”, then you have a crucial advantage: You don’t have to pose this question to yourself – you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs, when you are ready. You’d know how it’s done.

This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.

Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.

What is the magic formula for overcoming a break up, you might ask?

It is understanding where your personal problems are and reacting upon them. It is developing the traits for surviving a break up or divorce faster and easier.

That’s what I do in my personal coaching.

You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.

You alone have the key for your wellbeing. Use it.