Love & Relationships

Could Your Need for Control be Ruining Your Relationship?

All of us seem to have a craving for power. We are all driven to get control over the situations we find ourselves in, and mostly, over our partners.

We think to ourselves – “If she would only do what we want her to do,” or “If he would only do what I need him to do,” then life would be better. In some ways, these things might be true.

How we go about getting what we want often turns into attempts to get power and control over our partners. This, of course, happens when we ourselves feel powerless.

When we feel powerless we feel overwhelmed, out of control and helpless. It’s unbearable. So, we try desperately to regain a sense of control.

Common Ways of Gaining Power Over Our Partners

Physical/Emotional Intimidation

Some of us do it by puffing ourselves up as big as possible, yelling, screaming, intimidating with our full force. (If we are physically large it’s easier to pull this one off).

We can do it by throwing out intimidating words if we are smart or college educated (women have an advantage here, having more command, generally speaking, over language than men).

Subtle Manipulation

If we are charming we can do it with our manipulative pleasing behaviors, charming our partner into doing what we want them to do.

Abandonment

Oh, another great one is to threaten to abandon our partner. If our partner is really attached to us, this can be very effective.

Withholding Information

My personal favorite is to withhold information. Yes, this is a power play. I know it doesn’t seem like it on the surface, but it is a very controlling behavior.

What we are doing when we withhold information is that we are controlling our partners’ reactions to what we are doing by not telling them. If they don’t know about it, they can’t get mad at us.

All of these are very effective if what you want is a partner who is controlled by you, intimidated by you, and kept at a distance.

But, if what you want is an intimate connection where you and your partner are truly partners, you have to find a different way to not feel powerless, helpless and despairing.

Focus on Gaining Control of Yourself Instead

Most of the time when clients come into my office they are both trying to get control of their partner. It’s the only way they know how to get their needs met. The good news is that there is a better way.

When we stop the controlling behaviors it can feel scary, because it feels like our only other option is to stay in the out-of-control state. Fortunately, it’s not the only option.

Learning the skills of navigating an interpersonal relationship that is deeper than one based on power and control is an ongoing effort. We have to learn how to stay in the fear. We have to learn that feeling out of control is not going to kill us or make us crazy.

To simplify the process for you I am going to give you the following steps as a starting point:

5 Easy Steps to Help You Cope with Your Fears

Step 1: When you feel out of control and powerless, stop and breathe before you react.

Step 2: Look at your partner and remember that you love them and wouldn’t want them to feel trapped and controlled.

Step 3: If there is something that they said or did that triggered an emotion on your part, reflect back to them what you heard them telling you through their words or behavior.

Ask if you got that right. Then let them know that what they are saying makes sense (coming from their perspective…not that they are “right”).

Step 4: Find something in what they said that you can relate to (Have you ever felt that way?)

Step 5: Let your partner know what you are feeling, don’t try to “save face.” If you feel ashamed, fearful, angry, hurt…whatever it is, tell them! You may think they should know, but trust me; they can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see you cry (this goes for you guys, too).

If either one of you gets triggered into controlling behaviors, ask for a time out. Come back to the topic later when you are not so upset.

Love is not simply a feeling. It’s an action. Taking the time to connect in this way will give your relationship life. It may mean more intense interactions, but at least it’s not dead.

One sweet, intelligent couple I worked with has been together for 20 years. They have spent most of that 20 years controlling each other’s reactions by not telling each other what they really think, what they really do, and how they really feel.

They came into therapy because their relationship had lost its luster. They had become so distant and lifeless that they had not had sexual intercourse in a year!

Connecting through sharing of real feelings allows for the spark to be reignited between you.

Fight or Flight – How Men React To Divorce

By jason

I think it’s important to understand the natural inclinations we have when we react to divorce. Each of us has a different response to things based on our previous experiences.

Fight or Flight – Which is Better?

As science has proven, our bodies and minds have two responses to stressors. It’s called the "flight or fight" response. Either we react by fighting back against whatever is causing us stress or we run away. Divorce, and all that is wrapped up into it, is definitely stressful. It’s stressful on us and it’s stressful on our family and especially our children.

It’s easy to want to run away from something. Many people are natural "withdrawers" when faced with difficulties. Divorce will punch you in the face if you let it. Running away and attempting to hide from your stressors will only lead you to more running. This time divorce will trip you up by the heels and lay into you while you’re trying to get back up.

Standing up and facing your fear and uncertainty is a different choice. There are people who are "attackers" who like to solve problems. There’s a certain synergy that’s created when you start to stand up to the things that are bothering you and dealing with them on a rational level.

There are times in our lives where we do either of these things. Sure, we have a tendency to lean one way or the other but everyone handles stress by either attacking or withdrawing based upon the situation.

My Best Advice to Anyone Going Through Divorce

Man or woman. You’ve heard this before but I am emphatically urging you to:

Go get a lawyer.

It’s the easiest, though not always cheap, answer to dealing with the stress of divorce. We all want to separate amicably. It’s a worthy goal. I was that way too. Unfortunately in the beginning I ignored this advice and it cost me in the long term. Your lawyer will handle much of the stress and anxiety for you. He or she will be the one sending letters to your soon-to-be-ex-spouses’ lawyer.

Divorce is a Business Decision

Divorce, once the process is engaged, is a business decision. It’s no longer about emotional needs. You may love future ex, but in the end you need to look out for you and your children. This is business. I’m not telling you to take your ex to the cleaners, I’m urging you to take care of yourself. You can still have an amicable divorce with lawyers (or mediators involved) and you’ll also be aware of your rights.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide From Divorce

The energy you get running is energy that could be spent protecting you and your children. If you’re unfortunate enough to be getting divorce just realize that there are many ways for you to take charge of your life and not let the stress overwhelm you.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married.

The Little Known Secret to Getting What You Want From Your Partner

By melody

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Really!

He leaves his things on the floor and then gripes about the house being a mess. He doesn’t seem to get it that I want him to listen to my feelings. He is so distant and in his head all the time. Why doesn’t he act like he cares about me?

That woman! She always acts like she knows the best way to do everything, and she is never listens to what I have to say and get irritated with me over the most stupid things. Why doesn’t she pay more attention to the important things? I hate it when she makes such a mess with her stuff in the bathroom and leaves those bottles everywhere.

Nagging At and About Our Mates is Almost a Way of Life

We build up a case against the person that we love the most and then wonder why they are unhappy with us. When couples come in for therapy they inevitably have a long list of complaints about their spouse. They have been unhappy with their spouse for years for one reason or another. They don’t like this. They don’t like that. By the time the come into see me they are convinced that their partner has been doing everything wrong and what they really want (though they won’t always admit this) is for me to tell their partner what is wrong with them and to help them fix their partners problems.

It is a rare event to have someone come in for therapy who understands that they, as a couple, have a problem and that it’s not one or the other’s fault.

The first few sessions are generally spent with both partners laying out their case against their partner and looking to me for validation. Then I begin explaining to them that they are each responsible for what has become a laundry list. Rather than spending all of their resources and energy pointing out each other’s flaws, they need to focus instead on what the other is doing right. I don’t know what it is about our culture that makes us focus on the problems rather than the blessings in our lives, but we do.

Is Your Partner Really That Terrible

Letting ourselves focus on the blessings our mates bring to us helps us to encourage the very traits we most want to build upon. We want our partners to listen to us, to support us, to care about what we care about. We want them to show us they love us through the things they say and do. How do we get that when our partners seem so far from being able to provide it? We start with “catching them being good”. We notice aloud the things they do that we appreciate and value. We refrain from nagging about the things we don’t like and we praise and celebrate the things that we appreciate about our partners. The more we share our positive feelings with them about what we like, the more likely it is those behaviors will be repeated. They will feel loved and appreciated and we get what we want.

Why is that so hard for us?

For one… We often don’t believe that we deserve the things we really want so we don’t do the things that will give us what we want. Then we blame our partners for not providing it, even though we have not done our part in providing an environment conducive to their being loving!

When we protest, “Why of course I want my partner to be more loving!” Yet we refuse to do the very things that will create the space for them to give us what we want. We demand, we nag, we criticize and we berate. We try to make them be what we want.

NEWS FLASH: You can’t make your partner do anything!

Help Your Partner Help You

Instead, create an environment that invites them to be what you want them to be. If you want your partner to be more loving, be more loving to them and verbally appreciate the things they do that make you feel good. Notice the things they do that are attempts to be loving, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.

My husband hates it when I leave town. He is unhappy and for years he acted angry and distant when I was getting ready to leave town. Yet, he always, without fail, checked my auto fluids and tires before I got on the road. I saw this as a supremely loving act, in spite of his decidedly unloving angry behaviors. I let him know how much I appreciated his doing this for me and hugged him. I verbalized it to my friends when they were around to let him know that I was proud of his being so loving toward me. Now, while he still hates it when I leave town, he is never angry and distant.

Loving behaviors come in all sorts of forms, and we don’t always have the same idea of what it is to be loving. When we can notice what our partner is doing in an attempt to show us their love, even if it’s not in the form we want, we can encourage the loving behavior and then ask for what it is we do want.

Stop Criticizing and Start Praising

Criticizing focus’s on the negative behavior and leaves the other person feeling unappreciated and devalued. Praise creates an environment of joy and a desire to please. When we tell our partners, “I loved it when you did the laundry for me. It makes me feel so cared for to have someone in my life help me with those kinds of details” it creates a bond of appreciation.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t tell our partners about the things they have done that displease us, I am just saying that the messages should, on balance be more positive than negative. Letting our partners know what pleases us is positive feedback that creates more of what we want. Negative feedback (criticism), when it is more frequent than positive feedback (praise) creates the very things we don’t want. It creates an unhappy partner who feels unappreciated and undervalued.

Share the joy with the people around you who know you and you grow the impact of the praise exponentially. Let your partner hear you bragging on them to your friends. Tell your partner how your friends reacted to things that you tell them about your fantastic partner. I guarantee you will get more of what you want through praise and “super praise” (bragging in front of others) than you will ever get through criticism.

When Fairy Tale Romance Goes Bad…

By melody

Here we are in the 21^st Century.

We have cell phones, Internet, microwaves and electric cars.

We have more information than we can possibly absorb about everything from digging holes to brain surgery.

But we often still think in 15^thCentury terms when it comes to romance…

Fairy Tale Romance – The White Knight and the Damsel in Distress

One young couple I worked with had been madly in love. They met when she was 20 and he was 30. Gary was an established salesman making six figures and Lisa was a social worker, working nights in a coffee shop to make ends meet. When he walked in she said to her co-worker, “There’s the man I’m going to marry.”

Lisa says she said it jokingly, but this is what she had been hoping for: a strapping 6’3’ elegant man with a quick smile and loose with his money. She wrangled a meeting with him and they were quickly swept into a whirlwind romance. She moved into Gary’s 3,000 square foot home and quit her night job. He bought her flowers, jewelry, spa treatments and other thoughtful gifts. Lisa was enraptured with him, and he with her.

Gary admired what Lisa did and wanted to take her away from the stress of living on little money while doing good works. When they married the congregation was in tears, they had never seen a couple so in love.

When the Fairy Tale Turn Into a Nightmare

But less than a year after they married the relationship was in ruins. Lisa had an affair and Gary discovered her indiscretion. Furious, Gary insisted she go to therapy and work things out. Lisa was so depressed by the failure of their marriage and the depth of his rage that she was afraid to break off with the man she had been seeing and couldn’t agree to stop seeing him. Gary’s was bitter and angry. He filed for divorce and started seeing other women. He still went out with Lisa and they occasionally talked of working things out.

Lisa became distraught when he filed for divorce and dropped the relationship with the man she had been seeing. She begged Gary to take her back.

Gary continued to see other women, but after the divorce was final, he was ready to consider reconciliation. They came into therapy hurt, angry and confused. She thought he was mean and irresponsible with money. He thought she was a liar and disrespectful to him.

What Went Wrong…

After setting some ground rules for how they should manage their relationship while they were in therapy, I began asking them about how their relationship had begun.

They both admitted to being completely in love very fast, too fast, really. Lisa talked about how he had bought her things and spent money on her and how she saw him as her “White knight”. Gary talked about how he had not been looking for a relationship when they met, but they had just clicked. He said he wanted someone to take care of and saw that she was someone who, because of her work, was worthy of his care taking.

They then realized that most of their resentment and the distrust that had begun shortly after they married had started with this White Knight/Damsel in Distress relationship.

I completely related with her. I remembered that when I married my second husband I had secretly hoped he would rescue me. I was, on the surface a very independent woman. I had graduated from college with little family assistance, was taking care of my little girl on my own, with little support from my ex-husband or family. But the bottom line is that I had been struggling for so long I secretly hoped for someone to take me away from all my struggle.

Lisa was no different. She was independent in that she had a career and place of her own, but money was tight and she couldn’t afford those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home.

Gary had been raised with money and was being groomed to take over his family business. Money had never been difficult for him and he had never denied himself anything. But it seemed meaningless in away, until he had someone worthwhile to spend it on. Of course, this did not mean he was willing to deny himself his toys and indulgences.

Lisa soon realized that after they married his wanton ways with money were not as attractive a trait in a husband as they had been as a beau.

His lack of real respect for her became evident as he failed to pay any attention to the things she asked of him in regard to managing “his” money.

It didn’t take long for the marriage to spiral out of control at that point.

How To Avoid the Nightmare and Keep Your Happy Ending

When we marry to have someone to “take care of” we are not respecting that person. We don’t see them as capable of really taking care of themselves, we see them as less than complete and we expect them to appreciate what we do for them and not require more from us than the things that we are already so generously bestowing upon them.

When we marry to have someone “take care of us” we are not fully appreciating our own abilities and we expect them to be able to “make us happy”. Then we are full of furry when they do not fulfill our expectation of them.

This is an extremely common set up in our society. Many movies and novels feed into our cultural dream of the White Knight/ Damsel in Distress storyline. But the fairytale does not end as it does in the movies with us living “happily ever after.”

This is not because one of us is wrong or bad for having had the dream. After all; it’s what we are taught from birth!

But the White Knight is a shallow human being. He doesn’t have a full spectrum of emotions, dreams, flaws and vulnerabilities. He is not capable of intimacy, because he is not even aware of what is inside of himself.

The Damsel in Distress is equally limited. She is only allowed to be needy and receptive. Having an opinion and needs that go beyond the expectations of the White Knight destroys any hope “happily ever after.”

In order to create the “happily ever after” we have to be willing to be fully human and to allow our partner to be fully human. That means recognizing for ourselves that we are both wonderful and flawed, as is our partner. We have to be willing to negotiate our needs with respect and empathy as we own responsibility for our own happiness and don’t expect our significant other to provide that for us.

Lisa and Gary are lucky.They came to see me before their loved died.They were open to understanding how they had gone so far astray and willing to set aside the need for blame in order to get to that understanding.

They have a hope of a “happily ever after” yet. Do you?

Attracting the Relationship You Want Instead of the One You Left

By karen

Unless you have been hiding underneath a rock you have heard about the Law of Attraction in the past couple of years.

Since the movie “the Secret” came out it seems that everyone has been talking about it.

Basically the Law of Attraction says that you will attract what you think about.

So of course, many people think that they would love to use this knowledge to attract the things that they really want in life such as money, career success and of course a wonderful loving relationship.

But is it easier said than done?

The Law of Attraction on Autopilot

The fact is that most people attract things into their lives by default. Yes, it’s true. We tend to attract things into our life without thinking about it, we attract by autopilot. It’s like driving to work everyday, we just do it automatically, without even thinking.

When was the last time you even thought about your route to work?

Yet, this very act of attracting by autopilot is what causes many a relationship to flounder. How many times have you heard of a woman who married someone just like her father, or a man marrying a woman just like his mother? Now, it is possible that a relationship like that could be a perfect match but it is also possible that it could just be a continuation of misery.

Repeating Relationship Patterns

How many people do you know who have jumped right into a new relationship and except for the exterior package (yes, it is a different person) the relationship is the essentially the same as the one they left? Same problems, different face.

Have you been guilty of that?

One reason why this happens is because of the Law of Attraction. You see, during the bad relationship you developed habituated modes of thinking and vibrating. Just breaking up or even an official divorce does not and will not change that mode of vibration. We quickly develop habits of looking at the world and it takes time to break those habits.

Part of the problem is that people tend to ruminate on “why” they needed to leave the last relationship, why that person was not right for them and all of the bad qualities of the person they left. But while they are doing all of this stewing, justifying and ruminating, they are still vibrating in that same place so if they do attract someone new it is very likely that the same problems will be there. They will just be packaged in a different person.

Love Yourself First!

In order to use the Law of Attraction deliberately to create a wonderful relationship you need to spend some time alone, getting comfortable with just yourself. Find things that you love to do and do them just for fun, don’t try to meet anyone, just get happy with yourself. And while you are doing this you can consider just what you want in a relationship.

Stop focusing on the things that you disliked in your previous relationship and the things that didn’t work and focus on the good and wonderful things that you want.

You’ll get to a point where you will know you are focusing on the good things you want to attract because you will have good feelings, happy feelings and when you are really ready to attract someone new and wonderful who is right for you, you may even be able to look back on your past relationships with thoughts of appreciation. That person may not have been the one for you but they did get you to where you are and where you are is the only place you can attract the person who will be right for you and the relationship that you really want.

We all want to attract a loving, wonderful person to co-create a magnificent future with. Change your focus, think about and really feel inside what it is that you want in a relationship, then let it go, don’t dwell on it. Have faith that it will happen for you.

Before you know it you will have attracted the one from your dreams.