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Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Partner?

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When I got married I was such a happy person. My husband was gentle, kind, giving, and such a great dad.  It came as a complete shock to me the first time he got angry with me.

You see, I am an anger phobic from way back.  I will never forget cringing as my grandmother screamed at my mentally retarded uncle.  She would go on tirades that filled the house with angry blasts of her voice (this was no small task as the house was a 3 story boarding house).  I was never comfortable with anger (especially not my own!) and I would do just about anything to avoid it.  Additionally, when anyone was angry I had huge judgments regarding them.  Anger, in my opinion meant ugliness, abusiveness and there just wasn’t any excuse for it.

So marrying someone human enough to get angry startled me. I didn’t understand where my loving, gentle husband had disappeared to and who was this person in my bedroom anyway?  After all, I didn’t see that I could possible have done anything to have brought on his wrath.  I never did anything to deliberately hurt anyone, especially him, my most beloved.  The anger that I felt as a response separated us.  I felt totally disconnected from him. I couldn’t understand where he got off being so angry with me for nothing I could comprehend.  Who was this angry monster and why did he seem to hate me?

That’s how it felt to me. If someone was that angry with you they had to hate you, right? Consciously I knew that was wrong, but it definitely felt that way. The little kid inside cringed at every angry word he spoke.

I was fearful of his getting angry so I started editing what I told him.  In other words, controlling him by not giving him all the information.  That always backfired of course, because eventually he would discover what I had not told him and it would make him even angrier.

I don’t recall how long it took for me to realize that underneath the raging exterior of my formerly loving partner was a lot of fear and hurt.  What’s more, what he was angry about was never really about what I thought it was about, it wasn’t really about what I had said or done, it was about something far bigger, and older.

His anger was what I call a “Self-Protective” stance that he took to manage his hurt and fear. Often when someone is hurt they will become larger than life. They will raise their voice, puff up their physical self to maximum capacity and try to look as threatening as possible in an effort to appear more powerful than they feel (Imagine a puffer fish here).  They appear large and loud and scary so that you will be intimidated into stopping whatever it is you are doing that is hurting or scaring them. Underneath there is a kind of desperation and terror.  But that is not what they show; they show an overpowering, larger than life toughness to attempt to force change.

The person that had been so frightening to me was in fact scared and hurt.  Now, for some of you that might not be new information, but for me it was a huge newsflash.  Knowing this changed everything.  It empowered me to respond differently than I ever had to an angry person.

Instead of responding as a helpless victim and cringing, trying to control them by placating them with platitudes, running around trying to fix the problem that upset them, or worse, reacting with anger in return – I learned to give them empathy.  All of the old ways of responding, I discovered, created more resentment and anger.

Empathy, I was thrilled to realize, created a whole new kind of relationship and helped me find my kind, gentle husband again.  He had always been there, inside the attitude that had scared me so badly.  His Self-Protector stance had left me fearful and confused.  But once I figured out that I could change everything by changing how I viewed his anger, our relationship was transformed.

Our anger is a survival mechanism that kicks in when we are threatened in some way.  It throws us into a Self-Protector position in order to keep ourselves alive. Now, in most cases in today’s world, we are not really going to die, but on a brain level, that’s how it feels.  If our partner responds to our hurt and fear with empathy for our feelings, then we can slowly let go of our need for our Self-Protective reactivity and let ourselves be vulnerable again.

The next time your partner is angry with you. Stop. Don’t do what you always have done. This time, notice the hurt or fear and say something to indicate that you noticed they are hurting, like “I’m sorry, I can see there is something I did that hurt you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”  or something similar in your own words.  Give her some indication that you understand she is hurting.  Let him know that you care that he is hurt.  Odds are you will find out that the upset wasn’t really about you, but about something from your partner’s history. So be open, be curious and empathetic.  This will allow their anger to bring you closer instead of pushing you further apart.

Marriage – Just a Legal Contract or a Real Commitment?

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What is the meaning of marriage today?

We believe that marriage today is little more than a piece of paper these days – BUT not for the reasons that you may think.

Our frustration lies in the fact that many people seem to treat the contract of marriage like the contract on their car. They lock in the interest rate, buy the car, and then rarely even bother to change the oil or wash the car…

Corporations give certain privileges to people who hold this piece of paper (only the one sanctioned by the government) while refusing to acknowledge or accept other definitions, perfectly valid definitions, of marriage.

Getting married shouldn’t be like petitioning to get a local building permit, getting a government inspector to sign off that your plans are up to his specific codes.

The separation of church and state no longer seems to exist – making marriage more of a political statement than a real commitment!

Here’s a great article that we found on Netscape today that explains the subtle yet very important differences between a contract and true commitment: 

"Till death do us part, contract or covenant?"

And on the topic of separation of church and state (or rather the sad lack thereof), check out these recent articles:

Then leave a comment below and tell us where YOU stand on this very controversial issue!

Arguments and Fights: Why Won’t You Listen to Me?

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How many times have you been in a situation with someone you know pretty well, maybe your spouse or your best friend, when you just couldn’t get through to them? For some reason beyond your understanding they just refuse to listen to what you are saying. They argue, they say irrational things, they confound you with statements unrelated to what you are trying to say, they just don’t seem to hear what it is you are trying to get across.

Why is that?

Okay, we have all heard of the “Fight or Flight Syndrome”. That’s’ when your brain takes over and you feel you have to either fight or run away from the situation.  But what does this mean to us on a personal level? What it means is our brains are engaged in a battle for our survival and it is sending us messages intent on helping us survive whatever the threat appears to be.  That threat could be as simple as avoiding embarrassment, it could be defending against something that you said that the other person perceived as an attack.  Whatever the threat, the other person is reacting to you as though you are a threat.  They see you as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”.

Now, if you asked them, they would deny this. They are not lying to you, they are not aware that  “the bad guy” and “the victim” roles are unconsciously engrained into their way of perceiving the world. Actually, it’s a part of all of our unconscious minds.  We can’t help it it’s automatic.

Picture this: A husband, let’s call him Jim, is trying to help his wife who is swamped with Christmas preparations. She told him that she has to set up the tables for their holiday dinner and gave him a vague notion of how she wanted it done.  Without asking for more details, Jim thinks he can help his wife; lets call her Susan, by setting up the tables for her.  He hurries around hastily setting up the tables before she comes back from Christmas shopping, hoping to surprise her. Well, boy, was she surprised. Susan says, “What is this?”

Jim proudly says, “I set the tables up for you.” Suddenly, without warning, Susan explodes on him, telling him this is not at all what she wanted, and why did he think this is how she wanted it? And why didn’t he let her do it?  Jim was dumbfounded. He starts yelling back at her how he was just trying to help, and didn’t she want his help? Susan is aghast that he can’t see this is not what she wanted. She starts telling him he was just trying to horn in on her show, that this holiday dinner is important to her because her new son-in-law’s family is going to be there and she had it all planned out. Jim insists that he was trying to help her and she is just being petty.

The discussion erodes from there into an all out fight.

What happened here? Both people were trying to accomplish the same goal, but they got seriously derailed. Why? It’s because their brains kicked into survival mode.  The whole argument escalated because neither of them realized how suddenly they had become each other’s enemy.  Each saw the other as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”.  Whatever understanding they may have had of each other’s stress was out the window and they were each solely focused on surviving the current threat.

So what is the alternative? The alternative is to choose to react with compassion. Now, that sounds like a big task when you are feeling threatened, and in fact, it is.  But the key to doing it is really quite simple.

The key to reacting with compassion is to begin with taking ownership of your part in the situation. How do you take ownership when you have no idea what triggered the other person’s reaction?

You start by taking a breath.  Breathing may seem simple, but it’s not.  Our bodies react to threat by going into hyper-alert. In the hyper-alert state our breathing can stop.  We can stop this automatic reactive response by consciously choosing to take some breaths.

Next, remember who is talking to you.  Remind yourself of the good things you know about this person.  Then remain open and curious about your own role in the situation.  You can say, “You seem angry, is there something I said or did that upset you?” Find your own words to convey that you are aware of something you did having triggered an emotion in this person.   Once you have opened your own heart to listening to their pain, you are in a better place to be heard.

Reigning in our own “Fight or Flight” reactivity helps us hear and be heard. When we can calm those automatic reactions in ourselves we are less likely to respond to others in threatening ways.  By calming our own reactions, taking ownership of our part in the situation and offering empathy to the other person, we are not longer a threat to the other person.  By removing the threat, the other person can then let down their protective reactivity and listen to what we have to say to them.

So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Why won’t they listen to me?” stop and breathe.  Then find out what upset them.  Give them some empathy, and say your piece.  Their ears will be open, check it out for yourself.

She’s Crying On My Shoulder While Living With HIM

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Office romances are tough enough, but…

Take an office romance, add infidelity, and throw in an abusive relationship… and you have a potentially very dangerous love triangle.

Fact is, many people don’t get out much, and they meet their friends and lovers at work, at the gym, or somewhere in between. Office romances are a very common occurence, though potentially complicated and unpleasant if it goes bad.

It’s one thing to have a fling with someone at work. But it’s an entirely different thing to get involved with a married co-worker.

Courting a married woman

If the lady is married or engaged, things get a lot more complicated.

A surprisingly common scenario is an unhappily married man or woman looking for a way out, an escape from their unhappy relationship. Co-workers tend to spend more time together these days than do married partners, so it’s only natural for a relationship to blossom and grow, particularly in the case of someone with an unhappy home life.

But beware the complications and implied promises. She may be clinging to you as her way out, in a “grass is greener on the other side” sort of way, not in a “I want to be with you forever” sort of way. The closeness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “destined to be together”, or that you’ll even stay together once she leaves her relationship. Remember this isn’t necessarily malicious on her part in any way, it’s just the mind’s way of escaping a bad situation.

Abusive relationships… how to break the cycle

To take this up another notch, let’s throw in an abusive relationship. Not only is she unhappy with her partner, but he’s also abusive with her. So at home she’s emotionally and sometimes physically abused.

All of a sudden, your relationship with her is blossoming and growing more than before. You’re not only her friend and confidant, but in contrast to her spouse, you’re warm, loving, and kind – and she seeks and feels the promise of a better life.

This can be a good thing, but as you get close, you start wanting to help her escape her abusive relationship. You want her to be with you, and you want her to be safe, comforted, and happy.

But SHE is the only one who can break the cycle of abuse. She has to decide if and when she’s had enough, and she has to ask for help – or accept help. Until that time, until she has made up her mind that it’s time to leave, there’s no chance of making the abusive situation go away.

Are you in danger?

The other man is generally not too happy to see his replacement showing up… especially if he’s still engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the lady in question, and doesn’t yet know he’s going to out in the cold.

And when you’re talking about someone who is capable of violence, as in “an abusive spouse”, this is a recipe for bad things to happen…

How long should you wait for her?

Waiting for someone to pick a side is generally a bad idea, since your wait could go on forever. People don’t tend to pick a side and get un-stuck unless something changes and they NEED to pick a side – to avoid losing something they hold dear. This is why so many love triangles go on and on for weeks, months, or even longer.

Here’s a question from Su in Wisconsin, who is in this very situation and is wondering how long he should hold out and wait for her to choose a path.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve known this lady from work for about a good 10 months and we have become good friends, but she is engaged and their relationship is going down hill.

I mean he yells at her, hits her, spits on her face and puts her way down like she’s not even worth anything. She tells me all sorts of things and she is in a dark hole.

Now we are getting closer and closer to each other. We have talked to each other about liking each other. I like her very much and want to be more than friends and she knows it too. I asked her the same question and she replied that she likes me as more than a friend too, but she still lives with him. I mean she has a son about 2 yrs old, and she likes how I treat him. I also ask her what I have that she wants, and her reply was “YOU! just YOU!”.

We pretty much see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week for a good 10 min to 20 min. When she invites me to go hang out with her at their place I’ll say yes or alright and it really makes her happy. She has told me a couple of times that hanging around me makes her happy and she is longing for happiness in her life, but is afraid of happiness. She also said that she keeps her engagement ring on so they won’t have to argue everyday.

I, as a man, have doubts about where we are heading. So my main question is this. Does she really like me more than a friend or just trying to take advantage of my kindness and where does this road lead us?

Just in case you are wondering, I’m a Scorpio and she’s a Taurus.

— Su (Wisconsin)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HghXzxnNUiI[/youtube]

Can You Trust Your Partner to Be JUST Friends with a Previous Lover?

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So your partner claims to be just friends with a previous lover…

Fact is, it’s only natural to continue to have feelings for your ex even after the break up. But what happens when your partner remains good friends with their ex? Is it possible for them to be ‘just’ friends or will they be prone to ‘slippage’?

Is this really possible? Should you trust them?

We feel that love is not finite and that it’s very possible to love many different people for different reasons. We love our children, our parents, our friends, and our pets. We love them all dearly, but in slightly different ways.

So, yes. We do think it’s possible for your partner to remain friends with their ex girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. There’s nothing wrong with this as long as there are no secrets about the relationship. Your partner should be completely open and honest with you about their feelings and where they stand.

How can you address the jealousy monster?

Even with full disclosure, there’s bound to be some jealousy from either their previous partner or from you. In today’s society, many treat their partners like they own them, telling them who they can talk to, where they can go, and when… The best way to combat the jealousy monster in this situation is open and honest communication and lots and lots of reassurance.

What if you suspect that there’s more than friendship going on?

So you’ve been completely flexible and trusting, but you have this nagging feeling that there’s more to this friendship than meets the eye?

If you believe that your partner is playing the friend card to hide an affair, you should trust your instincts. Trust but verify. If your partner is hiding things or seeing an ex behind your back, that’s a problem.

Try talking to them in a non-confrontational manner. They may just be afraid of your reaction. But if talking doesn’t work, it’s time to realize that they may be more than friends. At that point, you’ll have to make some hard decisions about your relationship.

Here’s a question from Olivia who’s in this exact situation.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been with my boyfriend about 2 years. We both are deeply in love. He is kind of guy who knows how to love women and make her happy. He is also very kind, friendly and loyal.

The problem is he had a relationship with his ex for about 7 years, where they lived together. Now she moved in other country, but she often asks him for help. He always does it for her. At the beginning I never cared, because the way he behaves shows me that he is really in love with me.

But recently I found out that he sends his ex her favorite magazine via E-Mail weekly. He scans the article and sends it to her. Now I am really doubting if he really get over his ex… And I don’t know if it is appropriate to ask him again if he didn’t get over her 100%, to which I guess he would say definitely no. I really need your opinion! I only worried that he is too nice to say no to women.

— Olivia (Germany)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC1FsAiEUd4[/youtube]