Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for Love & Relationships

Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed?

By

Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.

Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.

Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.

This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship?

Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years – he had been feeling depressed and decided that was “his lot” in life.

We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel – maybe as every affair couple does – that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.

My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice?

— Ria in Australia

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvGli8YbX7c[/youtube]

Touch – It’s More Than Sex

By

Every wonder why a man gets instantly excited by the slightest little touch?

The reasons behind his reaction may not be as simple as assuming that he’s just over-sexed. It may go much, much deeper…

We all associate different emotions (good and bad) with different types of touching such as holding hands, hugging, getting a massage, and kissing. Some of these emotions can be very powerful and have a significant impact on how we relate to others.

Read this great article from featured author Melody Brooke to find out why the way we touch one another is extremely important to a happy and secure relationship.

Touch – It’s More Than Sex

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

For many men, the opportunity to be touched, even casually by a woman is arousing.  And, no, it’s not because men are different than women innately.  This is because boys are often raised with little physical nurturance.  Some men are so touch deprived that they shut off the awareness of the need for it entirely.  As a result they appear cold, distant and emotionally unavailable.  They have little understanding of why a woman wants to be touched or cuddled.  It completely baffles them.

Many cultures within the larger American culture work to toughen up boys and assume that cuddling, hugging and kissing boys makes “Mama’s boys” or “Sissies” out of them.  This creates an environment in which our male children are raised without physical touch.  Yet we know, from years of research that touch is a basic need.  Babies deprived of touch do not survive; they will quit eating and die.  While men, even 5 or 6 year old boys are not infants, they, like all of us have a basic need to be held, to be touched, and otherwise physically nurtured.   This need for touch can be hidden away for years, until perhaps in their early teens, a girl steals a kiss or holds his hands.  Suddenly he finds himself aroused and from that moment on, associates touch with sex.

Then these poor guys get accused of being hyper sexual because the need for touch, which has been repressed for years, suddenly emerges as sexual desire.  The hormone oxytocin carries messages of bonding, safety, overall well being and of love to our brains and to our bodies.  It also increases sexual arousal. This hormone is released when there is any type of skin-to-skin contact. This generally happens at the same time as the developmental hormonal changes of adolescence, further complicating matters.  From the male perspective then, touch=sex.

Every touch experienced carries a different electrochemical message to the brain. Even small, very light touches can create tremendous brain activity. When you expanded to hugging, the response is magnified many times because it brings with it memories of previous experiences (or lack thereof) and the attached emotional meaning. (Welch, 1988) When a person is upset or stressed, taking their hand usually produces a soothing effect, reducing anxiety, and generating a feeling of greater security as the oxytocin is released.

Couples observed touching affectionately test as being more securely attached and having a more satisfying sex life.  If you are unhappy with the amount of sexual activity with your partner, notice what happens when you become more affectionate in general with each other.  Increasing overall affectionate behaviors can have a positive effect on each of you individually, as well as increasing the amount of sexual activity between you…

Touch alone can transform the quality of your relationship.

If you are not feeling safe enough with your partner to enjoy copious amounts of affection, you might want to ask yourself why not.  Is this because of your own discomfort with touch?  Or is it because you fear that touch will initiate sex when that is always what you want? Is your partner uncomfortable with touch and therefore reluctant to express their affection physically? These are all questions that you and your partner should discuss, certainly before committing to a long-term relationship.

While some couples settle into a kind of comfortable physical distance, their emotional connection is often just as distant.  If you are not comfortable with idea of an emotionally distant relationship, then you should be aware of the impact of physical distance on the quality of your relationship.

Try livening up your relationship by making it a point to hug and kiss your partner when you come home, or being sure that you cuddle up close before drifting off to sleep.

Hold hands while you walk together. Women, spend time giving your partner a massage. Non-sexual touch can evoke strong feelings in a touch-deprived male.  If your partner has an intensely emotional response, be open to allowing him to have those feelings in the safety of your presence. It can be deeply bonding.  Men, touch your partners’ arms while she is talking to you, touch her face as you tell her about your day, it will make her feel cherished and valued.

Increasing the amount of touch you give will improve more than your relationship in the process.  Infusing your body with Oxytocin, through touch, will provide you with reduced stress and boost your sense of well being.

How Can I Convince Her That A Long Distance Relationship Can Work?

By

What do you do when you meet the perfect girl in college, but then you both graduate and your jobs take you to different cities?

Can a long distance relationship work? We believe that it can under the right circumstances.

What if SHE doesn’t think it can? How do you convince her? This one’s a little more tricky…

Here’s a great question from a guy in this very predicament.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have known my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and we have been dating for 2 years. We met in college and both graduated in December We knew that we would live in separate cities in October. she adamantly stated at the time that she WOULD NOT and COULD NOT do a long distance relationship

But, because we both love each other, we stayed together anyway…

We have been living apart for 3 months now and have seen each other just about every other weekend. When we are together, we are both very happy. If you were to judge our relationship based on the weekends we spend together, it would be very healthy, but she seems to let the physical separation affect her opinion about our relationship…she still holds the mindset that long distance relationships do not work.

She tells me that she is extremely lonely during the week and needs human contact.

This long distance relationship is getting to be very difficult. I do think that our relationship would be very solid if we were living in the same city. We are each other’s best friends and have talked about marriage in the future.

What can we do to make sure our relationship lasts? I would also like her to change her negative attitude about the physical separation and have her maybe just consider moving to my second job location. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

— John

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EerkFWFTMA0[/youtube]

But Seriously, Play with Me!

By

Here’s another great article from Melody Brooke. She’ been a featured author on Ask Dan & Jennifer for quite some time now and we feel really fortunate to be able to share her thoughts and insights with you.

Today’s article however, had a tremendous impact on me personally – probably because it hit a little too close to home… We all get so busy doing the things that we think we ‘have’ to do that we forget to take the time to do the things that we ‘want’ to do and those things that brings us joy.

Not taking the time to have fun together can really cause a strain on your relationship.

Read this article to learn some really great ways to connect or re-connect with your partner.

But Seriously, Play with Me!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

When we date someone we are intent on finding time to enjoy being together.  Discovering similar interests means doing things together that you both enjoy.  The result is that we end up doing a lot of fun, playful things together when we are dating.  Bonding during play is an important aspect of building intimacy with someone.  We open our hearts up to those we feel safe with, and we play with those we feel safe with, too.   When you think about the time you spent together when you were dating, weren’t you constantly on the look out for playful things to do together?

It’s funny but we will even do things that are outside of our own comfort zone when we are dating. We will attempt things we have never tried before and we will do things that we don’t even particularly like, simply because the other person finds it fun.

Before we were married my husband invited me on a ski trip. I was 43 and had never skied before.  I hate the cold, my Reynauds caused my hands to go numb in the cold, but of course I went.  He taught me to ski (turns out I have a knack for it) and I now love to ski.  But I might not have ever tried it if it weren’t for wanting to spend time playing with my prospective partner.

Yet once we settle into our daily lives with our partner, we tend to forget or even avoid doing those fun things together.  Why is that? I think there are many reasons for it, but the top reason is that we start taking life too seriously.  We have kids to care for, bills to pay, pools to care for, lawns to feed, work to do… all of which fill up our time and our thoughts, requiring all of our energy and resources.  Taking time to play with our partner becomes a chore on our to-do list.

Play, of course, can take many forms and is highly individual.  That can make it complicated for couples.  He likes to golf, she likes to garden.  She likes to shop, he likes to tinker with his car.  When the divergent ways we like to have fun keep us apart, intimacy can be interrupted.  Play is an intimacy building activity.  We play with those we are closest to, so if we stop playing with them we stop feeling close.

Play also builds creative connections and opens new pathways in our brains.  Studies show that kids who don’t get enough play time lack ingenuity and struggle to get along with their peers.  Creative play teaches us how to interact with others in ways that stretch our abilities.  This is true for adults as well as children.  I am not sure why the idea that playing is just for kids became so popular.  Companies like Google build play into their workday and supply gaming activities in specific areas.

When I met my husband my favorite thing to do was to go out and sing at Karaoke clubs.  He happily went with me when we were dating, and even into the first year or so of our marriage.  But the truth is that it was boring for him so eventually he quit going.  So now we go out dancing to bands that we both like.

Finding something that unites you, that you both like is of course the optimal choice.  But what if you are really so different that you can’t find things you both like? That’s when we are forced to compromise.  We stretch to do those activities that are not our favorite, simply because our partner loves them.

I am not a big fan of shoot’em up action movies, nor farces.  My husband is not a big fan of lightweight girlie movies.  So we go to both.  I get him to go to Karaoke with me every now and again, and I go along to the air shows with him.  I like seeing him smile.  He likes seeing me smile.

Last year I discovered something called InterPlay. It’s a form of creative play that uses storytelling, movement and sound to stretch our creative genius.  For me, being a counselor who dealt with a lot of heavy, intense issues on a daily basis it was a really important release.  My husband doesn’t get it, but that’s okay. I get him to come now and again, and do some of the forms with him at home.  But many couples do InterPlay together and find it a wonderful source of play, connection and discovery. They tell me they find out things about each other through InterPlay that they might never have found out any other way.

Play can be something simple like playing a game of cards together, or a board game.  It may be even finding a Wii that you both like to do together or Guitar Hero.  Whatever it is that you do together, the important thing is that you understand the serious importance of playing together.  Playing together builds bonds, deepens connection and creates an atmosphere of joy in your relationship.  You can’t put a price on that or take it too seriously.

Ultimatums – The Fastest Way to End a New Relationship

By

How soon can you get your new love to say “I Love You”?

You know the feeling… you’ve been dating for months, and he still won’t say those magical little words. How frustrating! Why are so many men (and some women for that matter) so afraid to say “I love you”? Is it really so hard?

Is he unsure about you, or just afraid of commitment?

Of course that leaves you wondering… is he really ready to give himself fully to you, or is he holding back? Is he doubting himself, or worse, is he doubting you?

Or is he just afraid of commitment? But you still have to wonder why that is.

How can you know he’s really over his ex wife or girlfriend?

In the end, you want to feel that he’s completely over the other woman – his ex wife, girlfriend, etc – and wants only you. And it’s only natural to want to hear those words from him, to want that reassurance that he feels the same way you do.

But how do you make him say it without damaging your relationship and even breaking up? More importantly, SHOULD you insist he say anything at all?

Should you demand to hear “I Love You” – or else?

Drawing that line in the sand sometimes feels like a good idea – a last hope of security and stability – but it can often backfire. Many couples break up every day just because they get too hung up on the terms they use to define their relationship, on saying certain words, etc.

Fact is, every relationship is unique, because every person is unique. When we try to put relationships in a firm box, we often end up disappointed, and sometimes we end up alone…

Love by any other name?

If you are generally happy in your relationship, how about trying to live your life one day at a time, enjoying the wonderful time with your partner, and not worrying about what to call it.

Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I just broke up after a year long relationship. He has been struggling getting over his divorce. He had been in divorce preceding when we met and separated for a year at that point.

When we started I said “I don’t think you are over your ex-wife, get back to me when you are.” He said he “didn’t want to lose me and he wanted to try.” He tried I guess.

I of course fell in love over the year. In Feb. I told him I need to be with someone who was in love with me and could say it. I gave him 2 months time to think about it. He said he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t know how long it would be before he could love someone, and didn’t want to lead me on and waste my time.

I am devastated. He says I have many qualities he wants in a partner and I’ve done everything right. We are just in different places and he needs to get over the divorce alone. He says he hasn’t written me off and I wasn’t a rebound, but i feel he has and that I was. Have I lost him forever? And what can I do to NOT lose him?

I am trying to move on but i feel I have made the biggest mistake and lost the best guy. He wants to be friends, I can’t handle it and i am petrified to go into the friend zone. I just don’t want to lose out. What’s should I do?

– Ann from California

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz5FHHrLmKs[/youtube]