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I Am Trapped In An Abusive Relationship! Help!

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I need relationship advice. My husband treats me like crap. He’s awful. He’s verbally abusive, belittles me constantly, the list goes on. I can’t figure out what to do. I want to leave, but I feel trapped. What do I do?

What She Said

First off, I’m sorry to hear of your current situation. No one deserves to be treated like that. Secondly, why do you feel trapped? As far as we know, this is the one life we get. Do you really want to spend it with someone who’s abusing you?

I’m not trying to be flip. This is a serious situation. Admittedly, this is not my exact area of expertise. There are facilities that help women in domestic abuse situations, but I’m not sure if that extends to emotional abuse. Check resources in your community. Help might be closer than you think.

I know you say that you feel stuck. If you have children, or you’re financially dependent on your husband, it will take some planning to extricate yourself from the home. If you don’t have kids and you have some expendable income, you might want to examine what is tying you to the situation. Seeing a qualified counselor or therapist may help you gain the clarity to remove yourself from an unhappy home.

The Truth About Love And Marriage

Love and marriage are complicated. No one knows what goes into a couple’s dynamic. If you feel your connection with your husband has turned sour and no amount of help will bring the light back, consider letting go of the past. Take heart in your family and friends, or whatever support system brings you peace. Know that there is still much joy to be found. I’m not saying it won’t be scary or difficult – but no more difficult than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.

What He Said

You’re not trapped. You do not live in a house without doors, or in a prison cell. If you want to get out, get the hell out and don’t look back period. Go off the grid. Just having a penis is practically a criminal offense these days so getting a restraining order should be no problem. If there’s no kids, just file for divorce and disappear. Yeah, it might be messy, but do what needs to be done and don’t look back.

Leave If You Want To Leave

If you want to leave, and there’s a good reason and it sounds like there is, then leave. Sure, you could try counseling or fixing the relationship in some way, but it sounds like it’s messed up beyond repair. So if that’s the case, what are you waiting for? Ripping off a band aid is never pleasant. You either rip it off fast and get the pain over with or you rip it of slowly and you make it worse.

This is going to hurt. It’s a big deal. There’s really no way around that. The best relationship advice is the sooner you can come to terms with that and rip the band aid off the sooner you’ll be on your way to your new life. You’ll have an adjustment period to be sure, but that’s another issue. Just rip the band aid off and get it over with already.

Little Everyday Things that Keep Romance Alive

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Romance tends to fade in long term relationships and once you’ve been together for awhile, it can be easy to assume that your mate knows just how much you love them. As you settle into a more routine state of couple-hood, however, you may find that some of the romance and excitement has faded.

It’s important to make sure that you make an effort express your love and affection for your significant other on a regular basis. Keeping the passion of your early relationship going doesn’t require a big production, either. There are easy everyday gestures that you can make that will let your partner know just exactly how much you love them.

Love Is A Basic Human Need

As human beings, we all need to feel loved and cared for. The mere act of doing someone a favor without their having to ask can show just how much you feel for them. There are all sorts of simple favors you can perform on any given day. If your S.O. typically takes their lunch to work, wake up ten minutes early and make it for them every once and awhile.

Volunteer to take over their half of the chores when you know they’ve had a particularly bad week. If you don’t live together, offer to come over and make them dinner or clean their place, instead. These small gestures are thoughtful and truly helpful, and your girlfriend or boyfriend will find them incredibly sweet.

Little Things Make It Romantic

Doing things without any major motive is also a way to bring romance into your relationship. Bringing over flowers just for the heck of it, or serving up breakfast in bed on a Saturday morning, are two classic examples. There are other great random acts, too. There are lots of opportunities to surprise your partner with inexpensive but thoughtful little gifts.

While you’re out grocery shopping, pick up your mate’s favorite candy bar or snack. Bring over a bottle of champagne or sparkling wine to add an extra air of romance to a typical evening in. Did your S.O. recently mention in passing how much they loved eating chocolate chip cookies as a kid? Surprise them with a homemade batch courtesy of yours truly.

Don’t Forget Physical Intimacy

Of course, love also has its physical side. Making sure to kiss and hug everyday is very meaningful. Even if it’s just a quick peck goodbye in the morning, it helps to keep you physically connected. If you see your S.O. sitting around looking stressed out, walk over and give them a five minute shoulder rub and a kiss on the cheek. When you’re watching TV or a movie, sit side by side and hold hands or cuddle. If you feel like sneaking a kiss or two during the commercial break, and that leads to more, then more power to you. The important thing is to keep up regular physical contact. You’ll both be happier for it.

Saying, “I Love You”

There is another simple way to remind your partner of how much you love them. Just tell them. Say it every night before bed or every morning before you leave for work. Say it right before you hang up on the phone or type it at the end of your text. The phrase “I love you” can be reassuring, romantic—even sexy. No matter when or how you say it, make sure that you do. It’s important to put that little daily reminder across to your S.O., so they’ll always know how you feel about them. Combine these words with the other aforementioned thoughtful gestures, and everyday will have an air of romance about it.

Engagement: Perfect Ways To Pop The Question

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Planning an engagement isn’t easy – in fact, sometimes it can be more difficult than planning the wedding! Thinking about the right way to propose can leave your head spinning. Make your engagement stellar with these great ideas.

Engagement is a big moment in not only your relationship, but also your life, so you want it to be as perfect as possible. A proposal should be personal and memorable. Most importantly, it should also be successful. All your work will be for naught if you don’t hear a “yes” at the end of it. Making it truly thoughtful and special will go a long way toward getting you that positive outcome.

Consider Your Mate’s Personality

Once you’ve decided to pop the question, the first thing to consider is your S.O.’s personality. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is a private person, asking them to marry you at halftime during a football game probably isn’t the way to go. If they’re a huge sports fan and love big, public displays of affection, then that’s probably a good idea.

Is your partner a sucker for traditional romance? Then a candlelight fancy dinner might do the trick. If they’re outdoorsy, you might want to try a trip to the botanical gardens or a hike. The quirky S.O. might appreciate finding their ring at the end of a treasure hunt with clues you’ve put together yourself. Just make sure that you tailor the location and mood of your proposal to your love’s tastes. They’ll appreciate it on so many levels.

Referencing Your Dating History In Your Proposal

If you really want to win him or her over, try referencing past moments in your dating history. Take them to the first restaurant you ate at, or the park you walk through every Saturday afternoon together.  If you met through work or in school, try asking in front of your office building or at your mutual favorite spot on campus.

You can even address the moment you knew your S.O. was the one for you. Maybe you had a moment at a museum while looking at a painting together when you realized he or she was the one. Go back and propose in front of that piece of art. Perhaps you both bonded over a mutual love for animals, so you should pop the question at the zoo or when you’re taking your dogs to the dog park together. Proposing at a special location that is part of your story together can make the moment feel extra inspired.

Think About What You Will Say

You should also prepare what you’re going to say before your engagement, of course. Be honest and open with your emotions. Tell an anecdote about the first time you met or the moment you knew you wanted to be together forever. Talk about how much you love your S.O. and paint a well-worded picture of how you see your future together turning out. Enumerate the qualities your boyfriend or girlfriend has that make them the perfect fit for you.

Then explain why you know you’re their soulmate. Be confident, but don’t feel bad if you get nervous or stray from what you planned to say. Nerves and excitement can be somewhat endearing. It’s an emotional moment, and it’s fine to tear up or stumble over a word or two. Let your true feelings shine through, and your mate will be moved by them. Combine that with a well-planned proposal that’s tailored to your significant other’s unique tastes, and you’ll be planning your wedding together in no time.

How To Discuss Deal Breakers Before You Get Hitched

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Marriage can be a truly exciting thing. During the time between your engagement and your wedding day, you’ll be busy with planning, enjoying the feeling of anticipation at your coming nuptials, and more. The engagement period is also your last chance to move past any doubts you may be having about your relationship.

The most important thing you can do prior to getting married is make sure you and your significant other are on the same page. Within the first week of getting engaged, you need to cover all of the possible deal breakers, so you don’t find out about anything bad after you’ve already said “I do.”

She Said Yes – Now What?

So the question has been popped and answered in the affirmative—now what? If you’ve already discussed all of your plans for the future with your S.O., congratulations! You’re ready to start planning the ceremony. If not, it’s time to have a very serious discussion together. You two need to cover all of the possible deal breakers and make sure you’re either on the same page, or one of you is willing to bend for the other’s sake.

Talking About Children

First up is one of the biggest topics, children. Do you both want to get pregnant? If one of you does and one of you doesn’t, that can be a major deal breaker. Don’t convince yourself that you can go without the little rug rats you’ve been hoping for just because your soon-to-be spouse doesn’t want them. Definitely do not convince yourself that he or she will likely change their mind.

Give this topic very serious consideration, because if you want them and he/she doesn’t, it can definitely lead to divorce farther down the line. If you both want children, you probably need to set basic expectations about it now. If one of you wants them right away and the other wants to wait, be sure that you’re willing to meet in the middle before you move forward with your marriage. As for how many you want, it’s probably best to wait until you’ve actually had one child before you start deciding on numbers. In this area, as in all of the other major issues, it’s necessary to establish where you are willing to compromise and where you are not.

Talking About Religion

After the issue of offspring has been covered, it’s time to talk religion. If you both practice the same faith or are not particularly religious people, there won’t be much to discuss here. If you’re both the same faith, two Methodists for instance, but go to different churches, you should discuss whose church you’ll join.

Other than that you’re golden. If you’re not of the same faith, or one of you is more religious than the other, you’ll definitely need to examine this subject more. Does one of you expect the other to convert? If you have children, which faith will you expect them to practice? Clarify these issues now, and no major problems will arise further down the line. Besides, if you’re intending to have a religious ceremony, you’ll need to have this discussion so you can pick a venue, etc.

Talking About Finances

You will also need to discuss your living arrangements and financial situation. Does either of you already own a home, or are you both renting? In either situation, will one of you move into the other’s place, or are you going to find a new place to share? If you are going to find a new place together, you need to decide whether you want to buy a home or rent something. Then you should compare your expectations.

If one of you would prefer to go on renting an apartment and the other expects to be a home owner within two years, the sooner you can reach a compromise, the better. Discussing your finances will go hand in hand with deciding where to live. Now is the time to talk about whether or not you’ll combine bank accounts, if either of you has any debt, and more. Unromantic as it may seem, financial worries can cause marriages to crumble. You don’t want to find out six months after you got married that your new spouse is $20K in debt and expects you to put your salary toward that. Talk about fighting and a possible divorce waiting to happen!

Smaller Issues To Deal With

There are other smaller issues that can wait until after the honeymoon, like how you’ll be splitting household chores and deciding which person’s family to visit on each holiday. What’s most important is that you clear the air on the major parts of your future—children, religion, finances and living arrangements. If you can have an honest discussion on these topics and plan to tackle any problems together, you’ll start your marriage on a much happier note.

Getting these things out of the way prior to the wedding not only leaves you with less to worry over, but it also makes sure you don’t walk into marriage with incorrect expectations. If you’re not comfortable talking any of these topics over now, you may need to question if you’re really ready to be married or not. However, if you can start your engagement with this sort of openness, you’re setting a great precedent for the rest of your lives together.

How To Cope With Unrequited Love

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Love – the unrequited kind – is something most of us have experienced at some point in our lives. You fall in love with someone, they don’t return your feelings, and you just can’t seem to let go. Logic would dictate that you shouldn’t care for someone who doesn’t care for you, but you’re so lovesick that logic no longer matters.

So how can you get over your heart break and your lingering feelings? You owe it to yourself to move forward. It’s important, not least of all because you might miss out on the person you should really be with while you’re mooning over the wrong guy or girl.

People You Can’t Pursue A Relationship With

It can be pretty difficult to see the forest for the trees when you’re head over hills for someone. When that individual doesn’t love you back, however, you need to have a reality check with yourself. Sometimes there are obvious reasons why you shouldn’t pursue a relationship with someone. No matter how attracted you are to them, if the object of your affection is married or in a happy relationship, you need to back down and look elsewhere.

If the person is your boss, your direct report, your current teacher or student, it’s inappropriate to pursue them until you no longer work together directly. When there are overt roadblocks like these, it can be easier to convince yourself to move on. But sometimes the only reason to move forward is because your crush just wants to be friends. Worse, maybe they don’t want anything to do with you at all. In either case, it’s in your best interest to spend a decent amount of time away from this person while focusing on your own happiness.

How To Deal With Rejection

You need to harness optimism in this situation, but it needs to be the healthy and not harmful kind. Move away from wishful thinking regarding the guy or girl who rejected you. There’s no point daydreaming that your married flame will suddenly leave their spouse for you, or that they’ll wake up one morning and realize they actually are in love with you.

Harness that source of hope inside yourself and direct it toward better things. Don’t sit at home and sulk night after night. Instead, enlist the help of your friends to make sure you get out of the house and have some fun. Don’t waste your time looking forward to an impossible relationship. Look forward to your fun weekend plans, to your morning run, or to completing that big project at work. Relegate thinking about love to the background for now, and you’ll find you’re able to take a step or two forward.

Moving On

The most important reason to move on is that there truly are other fish in the sea to date. If you’re busy fixating on one person, you’re missing all the other people out there who could easily be a better fit for you. If you’re out in the world enjoying yourself, you just might bump into Mr. or Ms. Right, and then you won’t give a flip about Mr. or Ms. Rejection anymore. So don’t close yourself off to the world, and don’t cling to false hope.

Instead, embrace the knowledge that there could be someone else out there a thousand times more perfect for you. Go out and live your life to the fullest, and you just might find them when you least expect it. There is no point in puppy dogging around after a lost cause. If they don’t see the value in being with you, they’re not worth it anyway.