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Eat, Pray And Love Your Relationship!

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With Eat Pray Love hitting theaters, I suspect there’s a lot of soul-searching going on. The movie is based on the book of the same name which focuses on the author Elizabeth Gilbert’s round-the-world journey to seek out enlightenment and peace after her divorce. It’s reported that her publisher paid her an advance which helped to finance the trip and there’s no doubt that would sweeten the pot and help make such a trip doable.

Most of us probably won’t see an advance that enables a trip like that but there are plenty of things you can do to ensure enlightenment and peace without leaving home. And since my area of expertise is relationships, here are a few tips to keep things happy on the home front – and to help ensure the only round-the-world excursion you’ll take is one for fun and relaxation, with your significant other by your side!

Make The Most Out Of Your Relationship

  • Don’t over-ride emotion. Sure, it can seem easier to just sweep heated discussions or uncomfortable communications under the rug but sooner or later things will resurface. Opting not to talk about things will likely lead down a road you don’t want to be on; one where you end up in a knock down drag out fight, or one where you’re pushed apart and possibly even enter into an affair.
  • Instead, learn to fight fair. The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict.
  • Know your “Imago.” Imago is the imprint that makes you who you are – your background, upbringing, friends, job history, education and so forth. But it’s also the “image” of what your’e looking for in a partner. As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with stressors as a couple. Being aware of how YOU deal with these things (your imago) and acknowledging your partner’s imago helps to forestall any preconceived notions or assumptions. It all comes back to being honest with yourself and your partner!
  • Have an affair – with your own partner! People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high. There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

Is Marriage Dead?

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Gender roles are changing, times are tough and no one knows what it means. Nothing is changing more than the institution of marriage. But is it changing or is it just plain dead? How does this affect you and your matrimonial urges? Five minutes from now, we’ll have given you all the answers you need.

What She Said:

Well, as someone who just got married last week, I certainly hope not! I’d also hazard a guess that all the people (rightfully) fighting to legalize gay marriage are also hoping it’s alive and well. Either way, it still seems to be a commitment that’s very important to a lot of people. But how do you make a modern go of an antiquated notion? The idea that two people would enter into a lifelong contract only for the good of procreation seems incredibly absurd. And frankly, I believe it is.

A bond created between two lovers transcends moral constraints; and these days you definitely don’t need a marriage license for the kiddos. The buzzwords for wedded bliss are “unconditional love and friendship.” Getting married is a matter of choice versus necessity these days, so there’s a lot of leeway in making it how you want it. Though I personally have thrown religion out of the mix, there are a lot of questions you shouldcask yourself before making it a legal matter. Are you compatible in the areas of spirituality andcbelief in commitment? Do you want to share finances? Do you want to travel and, if so, do you travel well together? Does this person have your back, no matter what? How is the in-law situation?

Do you have compatible life goals? Are you going to choose to bring children into the mix? Do you agree on child rearing? Really, I can’t stress the basics enough – being each other’s best friend and sharing similar views on how you want to live your lives are absolutely essential to a happy union. I don’t believe marriage is dead; the concept has been around for thousands of years and will be around for a thousand more. What is dead is the old-fashioned notion that marriage can exist only between a man and a woman – and only so those people can have children. It shouldn’t matter what combination of couple stands before the altar – if you’re lucky enough to find true love in this lifetime, I say more power to you.

What He Said:

To quote Austin Powers, marriage “isn’t dead, it’s just very badly burned.” Our entire society has undergone a huge fundamental shift. Things will literally never, ever be the same. Men have lost, women have won, and as such they will be taking things over and running the show very, very soon. No one is sure what any of this mean, but though it’s not all bad, it damn sure ain’t all good, at least for men. Nowhere is this more true than when discussing marriage.

That being said, saying marriage is dead because of the shifts in our society is just as stupid as saying the music industry is dead because of the Internet and iTunes. It’s different, there are now a different set of winners and losers to the game, and the way it’s played is different, but you still can get your “I do” on if you so desire.

I will say that the concept of “unconditional love” between adults is absolute bullshit. It doesn’t exist. Sure, it exists between parent and child, but man and wife (or wife and wife or man and man) no. No way. Disagree with me? Go off and have sex with a bunch of people on your anniversary or blow off Valentine’s Day and see how your spouse likes it. See? There are conditions. You can negotiate them to be whatever you want, but there are terms and conditions. Marriage, at the end of the day is a contract. Pure and simple. You dictate the terms of the agreement and you either sign or you don’t. You can’t always get exactly what you want in it, but you should be happy with the deal you signed or you need to cut your losses and walk away.

This is a merger like any other, and it requires you to do just as much due diligence as humanly possible, even if you know the deal is a great one for both of you. You have to be on the same page as much as humanly possible and talk about everything up front. If you don’t it will become a potentially fatal mistake at some point down the road. A pound of prevention is worth a pound of cure in general, but especially in marriage.

Personally, I also recommend a good pre-nup. You plan on staying married to the partner of your dreams forever I know. I’m not saying you wont. To me, it’s like this:

You have a car right?

You have insurance on that car, right?

You don’t plan on getting in an accident, do you?

Then why do you have car insurance?

Because you know as well as I do, that sometimes they happen. And they can be messy, especially if you’re unprepared. You know what pre-nup does in a happy marriage? Collect dust. It’s like the fire extinguisher in the kitchen that you never use because there’s no fire, but there might be. That’s why you have it. You understand, don’t you?

Breaking Up Literally Hurts

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Before you let someone diminish the pain of a break up or tell you there’s no such thing as a broken heart, consider this study from the University of New York, and Rutgers University. Scientists tracked brain activity as participants in the study – 15 students who had recently been victims of a break up – did mundane tasks like counting backwards from 8211 by sevens. That’s right – students who had recently been dumped were asked to provide a picture of their former significant other, then look at it while they counted down from upwards of 8000 – all which seems to add insult to injury!

Brain Activity After A Breakup

Aside from the potential painfulness of this exercise, the scientists discovered that “the brain areas associated with the pain of romantic rejection were the same ones involved in reward, motivation, physical pain, craving and addiction. For instance, looking at photos of exes lit up regions that are activated in cocaine addicts’ brains.”

It’s possible that anyone reading a romance novel could tell you that, but it goes deeper in explaining why the feelings of heartbreak are so hard to get over – it’s the same feeling experienced from pain, addiction and a host of other things. Lucy Brown, professor of neuroscience and neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, thinks it’s helpful for people to know that breaking up is supposed to hurt. “One guy called back the next day and said he thought the self-knowledge really helped,” she says.

Can You Avoid A Breakup?

It’s true that sometimes relationships just can’t be worked out and that dealing with the pain of a break up, struggling through the loneliness and emerging with new self-awareness is part of a growing process. Especially since the study participants were college-aged, these processes are to be expected. But so often I find that people have given up too easily on significant, meaningful relationships because of a lack of dedication to working through a problem.

There is a fine line between being a sucker for someone who hurts you repeatedly and with no indication that the behavior will change – and of course I’m not advocating staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I discuss finer details and techniques in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, but if both parties admit there are problems before the relationship gets to a dire point, and both people are willing to put effort into putting things back together I believe most relationships are salvageable.

Top Things Men Do To Screw Up A Long Term Relationship

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Men can do a lot of things to screw up a long term relationship, in addition to what women do to screw up a relationship. Some issues are small and can be worked out with their partners, but other things that men do when they’re in a relationship can really mess things up for both partners. Here’s the top things that men do that can end a relationship, and how you can avoid them.

Top Things Men Do To Screw Up A Long Term Relationship – What She Said

Cheating – it’s my number one, and I’d be willing to bet it’s at the top of the list for a lot of other ladies as well. Of course with cheating comes the loss of trust and respect. Combined, those are things that can (and often do) irreparably screw up a long-term relationship. While behaviors that can throw a wrench into a couple’s union vary greatly, here’s a quick list of the most common ways men muck up their love nest. Consider it a primer of what not to do, guys. You can thank me later.

  • Lying, whether about big or small issues, is never a good thing. It’s a slippery slope – don’t open that door.
  • Forgetting to appreciate your gal. No one wants to be taken for granted.
  • Letting resentment grow. Keep communicating – it’s a lot easier to air differences when they’re in the beginning stages.
  • Letting the sex go out of your relationship. Or, worse, looking for it elsewhere. See above!
  • Any kind of abuse, verbal or physical, is unacceptable.

The list could go on and on, but it really comes down to handful of things. Don’t worry; they’re all mutual! You’re not there to do all the work; you’re there to share in the experience with someone you care about. It all comes down to this: love, respect and communication. If you’ve got all of those things running smoothly, you’re golden. If anything seems out of whack, be willing to take a step back and explore why.

Feeling frustrated with your mate? Behavior and decide you need to vent about it with a female coworker at a bar after work? Thumbs down. Sitting with your partner and actually telling her what’s wrong? Applause meter! We all have that inner voice helping to guide us between right and wrong. It’s called intuition and, even though it’s usually associated with women, men have it too. Call it your gut, if you will, even if you have a six-pack. If something doesn’t feel right, your gut will let you know. However, listening to your gut is a two-parter. You’ve got to hear it AND follow through on what it’s telling you. It’s the “following through” part that trips us all up; and this is often where things go wrong. Be present, be honest and be kind. Following these little tips will make your girlfriend happy. And guess who gets to benefit from that?

Top Things Men Do To Screw Up A Long Term Relationship – What He Said

Complacency And Inconsistency

For women, life is a journey. For men, it’s a destination. This kills more relationships than anything else. You have to consistency say and do the things that got her in the first place. You can never stop. Don’t think that just because you “got the girl” that you won the game. Wake up, sparky. The game is just beginning. If you screw up with some girl at a bar, or some random one night stand, who cares? But if you’re in a long term relationship, this is when the real work starts. You can’t get lazy. You can’t let yourself go. You never stop dating. EVER. You may stop dating other women, but you never stop dating her.

Lack Of Preventative Maintenance

You love your car, you baby it. You get the fanciest car wash possible, get the oil changed regularly; you lavish all kinds of attention on it. And it looks amazing. Why shouldn’t it? You put in a shit ton of work! Do you put that kind of effort into your relationship with your girl? Hell, no. That would make sense! In life, you get what you put in, and if you don’t put in the effort into the relationship, she’ll find someone else to put it in her.

Lack Of Appreciation

She was everything you’d ever wanted in a woman when you first met, but somehow you forgot all about this when you settled down together. She needs to be appreciated. She needs to be needed. You need to make her feel like the greatest thing to ever happen to you. Because she is.

A Gap In Communication

Chris Rock was right. “Women are like the police. They can have all the evidence in the world, but they still want that confession.” Yes, she knows you love her, and yes, she knows you want to do her. Constantly. But what she’s not getting is how much you love her. She needs to hear it. Constantly. She needs to know specifically what you love about her, how your life is better off with her in it, the whole nine yards. The sappier the better. I know you don’t want to say this, but that’s what you’re there for.

Top Things Women Do To Screw Up A Long Term Relationship

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All right gals – let’s get one thing clear. Although you’re in a relationship, it’s still your job to make yourself happy. Having a partner is a bonus to living a full life; not your entire reason for living. It’s still your responsibility to make sure you’re a well-rounded person. Outside interests won’t detract, they’ll attract. Though I hope your love lasts a lifetime, men do come and go. The person you’re always going to have is you, so make sure you’re treating yourself well. That said, what are some surefire behaviors that will screw up your relationship? Let’s take a quick peek.

What She Said

  • Of course you’re allowed to be comfortable in your relationship, but not too comfortable. It may sound shallow, but save sweatpants for the gym.
  • Do not cling! You were living and breathing before this guy came along – remind yourself that you can do the same now.
  • Along with no clinging comes no whining. Harping on every little thing is the least effective way to get what you want. Instead, it’ll have your guy looking for the exit.
  • Be appreciative. Though you’re in a long-term relationship, saying “please” and “thank you” go along way. Give your guy kudos; he’ll dig it.
  • Be affectionate. You’re in love, not business, together. Of course sex is uber-important, but so are the hugs and kisses in between bedtime romps. While that sounds like a rather sexist list of no-no’s; the fact of the matter is those are common stereotypes for a reason. I’m not trying to be Camille Paglia; I’m just trying to save you some time and trouble.

What I’m about to say is going to sound crude, but it’s a common complaint amongst guys, so I’m going to share it with you. Here it is: don’t let yourself go. He fell in love with a pert and pretty thing, and that’s where he wants to stay. Love goes way deeper than the surface. No one is arguing that, by any means. Being gorgeous from the inside out is as much for you as it is for him. You’ll be glowing and feeling great about yourself and, by proxy, the spark that attracted your mate will remain. This isn’t to say that you have to play games or keep a tube of lipstick by your bedside table. Rather it’s about being independent and being your best self, whether it’s year one or year ten of your union.

What He Said

“Mommy Mode”

Something happens to certain women when they have kids. I call it “Mommy Mode.” Mommy Mode is when a woman has a kid and forgets that she’s a wife and mother. She focuses solely on the kid, and ignores her husband, unless of course she needs help with the kid, or the kid does something wrong (then, suddenly it’s ‘his’ child, not hers). You need to remind yourself that you are a wife AND mother. Both are your job. Not just one. Just like he is a father AND husband.

“Kate Gosselin”

There’s an old saying. It goes like this “There’s the girl you date, and the girl you marry.” In many cases, it’s true. People change, but it’s like this: if I go to the restaurant, and I order steak, I expect you to bring me steak. Don’t bring me fish and then go “well, you know, the kitchen’s been going through a lot of changes lately…” Who the hell cares about the fish? I didn’t order that. Bring me the damn steak! We know you change, but we don’t like it. And you should still be the same person, just more evolved. It’s like a car. If I paint my car, it’s the same car. It just looks different in the parking lot, but I can still find it. It’s not like I bought a BMW and it magically turned into a Mini Van one day, because it watched an episode of Oprah, you know? Make sure if you do change, it’s for the better, like a sudden burst of bisexuality, or nymphomania.

Cutting Back On The Booty

What turns your man on when you met him will turn him on until the day he dies. And he expects you to do it, on a regular basis, until the day he dies. Period. If you were into three ways and anal sex when you met, guess what? He’s going to be expecting them on a regular basis. You can’t be a total whore (and I mean that as a compliment) in the beginning of the relationship and turn into a nun down the road. He’s not going to be happy. He’ll be pissed. With good reason. You’re not living up to your end of the bargain.

Removing His Crown

Your job, as a woman, is to make your man feel like a king. That doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat, but he needs to feel appreciated just as much as you do. And he takes a great deal of pride in doing the job right, so tell him. Tell him why you chose him, why there’s no other for you, etc. This will give him the feedback necessary to feel like he’s doing a good job. Then you’ll get him to do more of what you already like. Score!

Trying To Change Him

My mother always said “Men don’t really change; they just become more of who they already are.” This is true. What’s also true is that the thing that turns you on about a person instantly begins to piss you off when have a long term relationship together. If you loved that he was spontaneous, sooner or later you’ll be pissed off that he never plans anything. But he didn’t change. You did. Or more accurately, how you view him. You ladies love your checklists, and maybe you married/or settled down with this guy without a list, but you probably had one. And oh, how you’ve waited to start making the improvements. But you can’t. You broke it, you bought it. No refunds or exchanges.

Not Looking Hot

Basically, you want your man to want to do you. You need to look your best at all times for this. Yes, bodies change, but you should still do your best to look hot for each other all the time. No BS excuses, he can’t complain about stress at work, and you can’t use the kids as a reason you can’t fit into your clothes anymore. If you do, don’t be shocked when he’s not sexually attracted to you anymore.