Love & Relationships

Relationship Happiness When The Love Of Your Life Hasn’t Shown Up Yet!

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects.” ~ Albert Einstein

Some of us spend too many weeks, months, even years chasing unrequited love. Man, it can hurt so good to love so deeply one who will not and cannot return the favor! It isn’t a masochist’s dream, but it sure can become a favorite bone to chew on so that life doesn’t feel so darn lonely. Songs about it are sung, stories about it are written, and therapists’ couches are private spaces for it. There is a better way.

What Exactly Is Unrequited Love?

Unrequited love is what happens when he or she just isn’t that into you but you have feelings you cannot deny. The human heart is capable of loving those who are incapable of returning even feelings of “like” much less real love. The heart will love even those who neglect it and abuse it. So, loving someone who cannot love you back not only can feel kind of good, it can feel necessary. The love you feel for anyone can become something you cannot live without, even if they do not and never will love you back.

Oh, and if the person you love so deeply is a friend, it becomes even more complicated! Because they do genuinely like and love you, they just don’t love you “in that way,” you can conjure up the juice to love them for all eternity. As long as you don’t do or say anything that makes them exit your life in order to protect themselves; as your friend, he or she is always available. If you get to the point of processing your feelings about this person with this person, then you have these intimate conversations that, even though they produce nothing more than more pain, the intimacy feeds your feelings for him or her. You leave these conversations convinced that if you can just be there for them and love them as much they will let you, then one fine day, he or she will look at you anew and fall head-over-heels in love with you, regretting all the time lost till now!

Something Better Than Unrequited Love

Unrequited love can fill all the free and empty spaces in your life while you are waiting for the real thing to come along. That is one reason people refuse to let the love object go. A much better, honorable, deserving candidate for all that love is you, yourself. In addition to that, focusing your attention on what would be the ideal romantic relationship for you, on the perfect love of your life, how it all would look and feel and taste like; this level of dreaming and planning for the love of your life showing up is a more beneficial expression of your romantic love than sinking deeper into unrequited love.

One of the things you can do to turn your attention to loving yourself and preparing for the love of your life to come along is read self-help relationship books. These books can be even more helpful before you get into a romantic relationship because you have the freedom to read them without prejudice. You also have the opportunity to use them to fire your imagination with specific details about what you want your next romantic relationship to be like. It is the Law of Attraction in that what you put your attention on grows. If you put your attention on how richly painful it is to love someone who doesn’t love you back, you will get more of the same. Conversely, if you put your attention on the kind of relationship you will create with the love of your life, you will attract that.

Getting Into The Relationship Groove Outside Of A Relationship

Another thing you can do is use dating to practice the behaviors self-help relationship books teach. Particularly paying attention to those that outline the differences between men and women, as a man you can practice being the man with the women you date, or as a woman you can practice being the receptive feminine with the men you date. He or she doesn’t have to be the love of your life in order for you to practice how you plan to be with the love of your life. Even among your friends, you can practice listening skills and being present skills that will benefit you tremendously when the day comes along where you not only fall in love, but the recipient of your affection falls in love with you too!

The more attention you put on loving yourself and preparing for that big, powerful romance coming along, both your daytime dreaming and night time dreaming will move in alignment with you to support what you are attracting! Instead of your thoughts drifting to your unrequited love, they will naturally drift to imagining things like what the perfect Sunday spent with your love will look like. Nighttime dreams, if you remember them, will begin to sort through the debris left by the unrequited love so that you have more space and energy inside for creating something whole, balanced, and full of passion with a real prospect for finding someone to spend the rest of your life with!

Albert Einstein’s quote above, “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects,” inspired this article. When it comes to relationships, it can be very hard advice to follow because it can feel impossible to refrain from tying your happiness to another person. But when the goal is a beautiful romance because you are worth it, the thinking and action steps that follow give you a happy life even as you attract the love of your life.

How To End An Argument

By sarahelizabethmalinak

I saw a card meant to end an argument between lovers. It carried the worst advice on the subject I’ve ever seen. It read, “Maybe if we both said we’re sorry…” Yikes! Tell someone who is angry with you that maybe you can both apologize and what happens? The resentment scale in the other person sky rockets!

How Not To End An Argument

So, one way to not end an argument is to suggest you can both apologize. Another way to not end an argument is to say, “I’m sorry,” through gritted teeth as if what you really want to say is, “You son-of-a-you-know-what, I could just tear you apart right now!” A lack of authenticity when offering an apology tends to make the other person feel spat upon. This isn’t good for moving the conversation forward into a more loving place.

Another way to not end an argument is to say the very thing that will escalate it to the next level. Sometimes this happens by accident. It is only after saying the thing that makes it worse you realize you knew all along not to say it. One way this has looked in our house is when I’m fuming because my feelings are hurt. It’s called passive aggression. It can happen when he has hurt my feelings. It can also happen when someone else has hurt my feelings but I know he can’t do anything to fix it, which means he’ll be irritated by a conversation about it.

When I fume he eventually says in a certain tone of voice, “What’s wrong?” On the surface, that tone sounds compassionate. But I’ve lived with him long enough to know there is a very slight edge to it that is clearly recognizable but easily overlooked by me. Without thinking, I will answer him and actually relax inside as if now we are getting somewhere. Wrong! With my answer, I have just confirmed that he was right and now he knows for certain that I am either mad at him or mad about something he cannot fix and that drives him crazy too. Escalation of hard feelings with confusing words that don’t help to follow!

Recently, I was fuming really loudly. Because it wasn’t about him but was about something he couldn’t fix, I took a risk. He asked what was wrong and at the end of my answer I stated, “…and that is the end of this conversation.” It sort of worked! While there was no escalation, he left the room. I had an appointment to keep, so I left. By the time we got back together later in the day, we had both processed our stuff around what had hurt my feelings and what he couldn’t fix. We were able to have a loving conversation about it.

How To Actually End An Argument

Now for some solid advice on how to end an argument: the trick is to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person. People get there different ways. You may have discovered what works for the two of you and so the real issue is why does it take so long to make the shift? Unless abuse is happening, if just one of you will make the shift to a softer, appreciative place, the energy will soften and get better for both of you.

Some people are able to get to a softer place with a touch. Some take a breath and some space and purposefully remember the love and the sweetness that usually exists between them. In the past, once my feelings were hurt, I used to see the other person as my enemy. Sounds extreme but it wasn’t like I said, privately or out loud, “He’s the enemy!” No, I just realized that was how I felt. With that understanding, I would remind myself during arguments that he isn’t the enemy. He is my husband, my lover, my friend and we’re going to get past this. Dealing with my own trust issues allows me to remember that I trust him and his love for me. That softens my energy, causing me to feel appreciation again with a sense memory of loving him, and everything improves. It improves because the very next time I speak to him, my tone and intention are softer and genuinely about love and reconnection. That authenticity makes all the difference!

Loving And Reconnecting

What I mean by “a sense memory of loving the other person” is when you get past the anger and resentment and genuinely soften, some place in your body responds. That response is a sense memory of your love for that person. Perhaps your legs relax. Maybe your belly softens and energetically expands. You might get a feeling in the center of your chest where you feel full and relaxed. Your head might tingle. Your jaw could relax and chills run up the back of your neck. Your arms might ache with a longing to take your lover into your embrace. It is a memory in your body that expresses your love and longing for this person.

Another way to work this trick for ending an argument is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. For instance, men are wired to fix it. When my husband wants to fix something he can’t fix in me and that frustrates him; at the very least, I can appreciate this about him and his masculinity. Doing that, I do not escalate the argument further by getting frustrated with his masculinity. Appreciating his masculinity, I might even open to the possibility he could really fix it. When that happens, “Glory Hallelujah,” the home team scores and we both win!

How to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person is a personal issue between two people. It takes experimentation and patience to discover how that works for you. You and your lover, the home team, are worth it!

In The Thick Of A Break Up

By chickinheels

Break ups are difficult no matter who you are. It is the rare occasion that a break up ends in harmony for both parties, it most usually does not. Although most people will later agree that a break up was indeed the best decision, initially this can be very difficult to see. There is normally one person who seeks to end the relationship more than the other. No doubt that a break up will cause a greater strain on the non-decision maker for they cannot force a relationship to continue without participation.

There’s No Doubt About It – Breakups Hurt

The hurt and shock one may experience at the onset of a break up can feel completely overwhelming. Tears, anger and frustration are common feelings – but the good news is, it’s the first real step in getting past a tumultuous time. It’s understandable to feel lost when a new path lies ahead. I’m here to tell you to pause for a moment because this new beginning holds so much potential. So once the tears have fallen and you start to breathe again you will realize that there is more to life, for all of us. It may at first feel like your world is crumbling but rebuilding creates the opportunity to make things so much better – give yourself some credit for deserving better.

For every challenge we face there are new lessons to be learned and opportunities to embrace. No matter how devastating a break up may be, remind yourself that the person you want to be with you – is exactly that, the person who WANTS to be with you. Why waste your time with anyone else? If you do, you are only delaying your best relationship from coming into your life. Everyone deserves to be with a person who loves them equally in return. Love doesn’t hurt, sure everyone has their ups and downs but know when to let go – once you do there is so much more to hold fast to.

What Happens When Your Life Changes Because Of A Breakup

Even when situations change, maybe you were living together and have to now move. If that was the case then you also face the financial changes that may occur. Circles of friends may change, family dynamics, among some of the possibilities. My point is, until you decide to build for your future instead of wallow in your past, you are merely running in place… exhausting isn’t it?

Negative thinking is like a spiral, once you get sucked in it will skew your thoughts repeatedly. Find ways to catch yourself before it begins. When you feel the onset of negativity you need to find an outlet for it. Speak to a friend, use a journal, take a 5 minute time out and breathe deeply. Whatever method works for you to reset and begin again. You can do this with so many of life’s stressful situations. The key to remember is that your outlook is within your control and will ultimately effect what happens next in your life.

How A Breakup Can Benefit Your Life

Now, you’re ready right? A huge benefit to a break up is you no longer need to worry about what the other person is thinking or how they will react. Now is about YOU, this is where you focus. Do what makes you happy. Do NOT stop living, in fact, now is the time to live life to its fullest. There is a new relationship ahead of you if you wish to attract it – be your happiest self. After all, would you want to date someone who was meandering in a depression over a break up? NO!!

Chalk the past up to a lesson learned. A lesson learned means knowledge was gained and experience was earned. You will emerge – allow yourself to begin your new path with a brighter potential. Once you cut your losses, you will fly free. It all begins with perspective, how you look at your life and whatever it brings is completely within your control. No break up or person can take that away. You are stronger than you think.

Absence Makes the Heart (and Body) Grow Fonder

By sarahelizabethmalinak

With my husband away on a business trip last week, I had an experience that reminded me of relationship advice I received several years ago. The first couple of days he was gone, I was very busy with lots of tasks and goals to meet. Then that night, we couldn’t say “Good-night” to each other. I missed his call because I was in the shower and then he missed mine because his phone didn’t ring and we both had this idea that we were each tired and ready to go to sleep. With the loss of that “Good-night,” sadness filled my body and took up residence. Although we had wonderful conversations following that night, the sadness wouldn’t leave until I saw him again when I picked him up at the airport three days later.

When Your Partner Is MIA

Fair warning, the relationship advice this experience reminded me of is kind of morbid. Basically, the advice is to be fully present when your spouse has to be away for any reason because one of these days, one of you will die, leaving the other behind. When that happens, the sadness will take up residence in such a way that you’ll feel as if it will never leave. If you have had the opportunity before that day comes to allow yourself to experience physical separation, it will not necessarily make the grieving any easier, but you might understand that 1) you will survive it and 2) that sadness that fills your body is a testimony to the depth of the love you shared.

In the meantime, there are other uses for the experience of being fully present for how absence makes the heart and the body grow fonder!

How To Be Fully Present When Your Partner Isn’t

1. When your spouse is out of town and you have the house to yourself, you can appreciate him or her more as you stumble upon the things he or she usually takes care of that you, perhaps, have come to take for granted. Particularly if you have a list of complaints about what he or she doesn’t do, being reminded of what you don’t have to attend to because your spouse does can open your heart more.

2. In the mental space created by his or her absence, recall past loving events and feel your whole body open. Recall some of the humorous and quirky things that happened when you fell in love. When was the last time he or she did something especially thoughtful? Recall that and let it make you happy! What was your favorite thing that happened the last time you made love? Let that memory warm your heart!

3. Take the time to anticipate and plan for reunion sex! Reunion sex can be even better than make-up sex! The longing that has built up in your body can fully express itself once you’ve come back together.

4. Allowing the longing to fill your body can make you hunger for your spouse in a way that is very flattering to him or her. So figure out how to express that in some of those phone calls you exchange during the time apart.

5. Speaking of phone calls, there is always phone sex! It will not be as satisfying as reunion sex, but it will do in the meantime as well as create a reminder of how special and sacred the intimacy between you is.

So, the next time you have to be separated by business trips, sickness, family demands, etc. use the time to feel the longing, appreciate the sadness, and deepen the love. It will fill the empty spaces in your hearts and minds until you have the chance to fill the empty spaces in each other’s arms.

Arguing And Fighting: How Can You Fix Someone Else?

By paulcarlson

Arguing and fighting – it’s part of every relationship, right? What happens when the arguing and fighting begins to be too much? What do you do when arguing and fighting seems to be all you and your partner are doing, instead of enjoying your relationship? How do you figure out whose fault it is? If it’s your partners’ fault, how do you fix them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,
My girlfriend and I fight all the time and she’s always twisting things around to her side, keeping score, and she doesn’t seem to trust me. There are also several other issues that we need to resolve. Any advice on how to fix her and this relationship?
–Jacob, WA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ614jyQLEc&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Wake Up Call – It’s No One’s Fault And You Can’t Fix Other People

There’s the classic saying, “it takes two to tango” and it is especially appropriate for this topic. It takes two to argue and fight – it’s generally not just one person’s fault! The first step to beginning to ease the arguing is to stop placing blame and start looking within yourself instead of just pointing fingers at the other person. If you have to, sit down and really think about how you contribute to arguments as well as what your partner contributes – you’ll likely find that it’s an even divide between the two. Even if your partner does have some issues with arguing and fighting, you can’t “fix” someone else. You can only change yourself.

Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

Not at all! Men and women are definitely on different wavelengths – you know, the Mars and Venus thing. While a man may be “proving his point” logically, that probably won’t make any sense at all to a woman, because for a woman, the way she feels governs pretty much everything. Even if you are logically “right” (which is usually never the situation anyways), your female partner won’t see it that way because she still feels hurt, upset, frustrated, angry, etc., etc. How do you get past this particular hurdle in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, try to see things from her point of view. How would something you did or said make you feel? Yes, it’s time to get in touch with your emotions. It’s hard for a man, but try letting your emotions rule you for a day or so and you’ll feel what it’s like to be a woman. Similarly, your partner can do an exercise in trying to see things logically for a day or two – trying to forget about the emotional aspect of it and thinking more realistically. When you understand how men and women are different in that department, you’ll probably stop arguing destructively and fighting more constructively – you might even reach a resolution!

Do You Need Counseling?

Sometimes, a couple’s fighting and arguing habits have become so ingrained in them that it’s exceptionally difficult for each partner to step outside their “box” and see the situation from the other’s perspective. Counseling from an unbiased third party can really help with this. Don’t be ashamed from seeking counseling, or even reading books about the differences in men and women and how to argue constructively. If you truly care about your partner and about the relationship – and if your partner truly cares about you and the relationship – you’ll both be accepting and willing to take the steps you need to take to make your relationship healthy and happy again.