Love & Relationships

How Can You Handle Your Fights Better

Every couple fights and argues. It’s something that is normal for two people to disagree, no matter who they are!

However, fights with your partner tend to become more heated and passionate and often escalate to a point where one or both partners end up feeling hurt, frustrated and angry.

How can you learn to handle your fights better so your relationship doesn’t suffer?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

“My girlfriend and I fight a lot. We both get really mad at each other and we say things we don’t mean. Is this normal? How can we learn to fight fair?”

–Jeff, North Carolina

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHxo4vvbRLw[/youtube]

Being An Adult

Even adults have the tendencies to revert back to their childish ways when getting into a heated argument. They may become critical, passive aggressive or even begin to act out and throw things.

Disagreements between two people aren’t what destroy a relationship. It’s the caliber of the fight.

Holding grudges and resentment, being passive aggressive or even hitting below the belt verbally and trying to hurt your partner are all things that have incredible consequences on the relationship and at that point, it’s not even really about the original disagreement in the first place.

The best way to curb a fight like this is to keep your actions in check. Be an adult about expressing your feelings. Don’t become withdrawn, don’t become critical and don’t lash out.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and even agree to disagree. Talking about your feelings in an adult way without being childish at all means you’re doing what you can do to keep the fight from escalating.

It’s Already Escalated. Now What?

It can be difficult to diffuse a fight or argument that has already escalated, but it’s not impossible! While you can’t control how your partner acts or reacts in an argument, you can control your actions and reactions and keep them in check.

If you find that the argument or fight has already reached a point where both of you are starting to act irrational or are really raising your voices, it’s time to take a time out. Take a few minutes to simmer down and get your emotions in check, as well as bring yourself back to the disagreement at hand.

Why You Need to Cool Down

Often what happens in a heated argument is that the original disagreement is lost when one or both partners start to become resentful, angry and frustrated. After you and your partner have both had some time to cool down, you can once again talk to each other about the real issue at hand.

Remember, it’s okay to agree to disagree! You and your partner don’t have to have the same viewpoints on every issue. If it’s something that really has an effect on your lives, work out a compromise that pleases both of you.

You can’t do this if your fight is escalating and both of you are being critical, raising your voices or even throwing things. Nothing gets solved that way! Be an adult, take a time out, and come back to the situation with a clear head.

While it’s natural and even healthy for people to disagree about things, it’s important not to become childish when you and your partner disagree, because you’ll affect the relationship in many more ways than that. Be open and honest with your partner in a non-judgmental way and keep a level head. If you both do that, you’ll solve arguments and disagreements in no time.

The Best Years are Yet to Be, if You Allow It…

By elainewilliams

Recently I was asked to describe the best years of my life. When I was younger, I remember summers going on seemingly forever. What wonderful times, playing tag or touch football until dark with the neighborhood kids, staying out until you had to come inside to take a bath and jump into bed. Endless, wonderfully carefree summer days.

Marriage and Babies

Marriage and the subsequent birth of my three boys followed. Each of their births is etched indelibly upon my memory. My oldest arrived two weeks early, dark haired and perfect, a little miniature human being. Always active and a handful, but a wonderful, compassionate person who turned 24 this year.

My middle son arrived screaming, as if he could hardly wait to enter the world. He was the head banger. If he fell, he always managed to hit his head. Following his speedy arrival, he’s been laid back ever since and has a wonderful, dry sense of humor. That was a memorable 22 years ago.

My youngest son was a real surprise when I discovered myself pregnant at 35. We were whisked into the delivery room with only twenty minutes to spare. He arrived screaming, eager to see what was going on. I’ll never forget the moment my husband looked at me and said, “You make beautiful babies.” That beautiful baby is now 16.

The best years and memories are scattered so delightfully throughout my life, and most center around family. At times the images arrive in vivid, fresh detail, as if I’m looking at a photo album.

The Unthinkable

When my husband died, there was a long time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say “the best years of my life” again. I felt stuck, emotions running from lonely and confused to isolated. I tried to understand, but many days I felt as if I was drifting with no purpose or passion.

In a gradual process, the darkness lifted. Five years later, I realize there are many days that I will be able to look back and say, “These are some of the best years of my life.” I have become so much more empowered from the experiences I’ve been given, managing to take something good out of each “sad” experience.

I now find it exciting, knowing there is so much before me, and some of the best years of my life are yet to come.

A Secret to the Cease-Fire in the War between the Sexes

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Sexual tension between a man and a woman can be a good thing. However, sometimes we get stuck and the tension in the relationship mounts to dangerous levels. There is a secret to the cease-fire in the war between the sexes. Read on to discover what it is!

What Causes The Tension

Recently my husband installed a new mailbox for me. It is beautiful, as mailboxes go! However, within a week, the handle broke! Held to the door of the mailbox with two screws and bolts, one of the screws went missing and my beautiful mailbox looked ugly with its handle hanging sideways.

He talked about how to fix it but he didn’t fix it because he had to go on a business trip. After all, the handle still worked, it just looked funny. So, while he was gone, I fixed it! I had paid attention to how he would fix it and decided to do it myself. Then the next time I had him on the phone, I bragged about it.

Was he proud of me? Was he relieved there was one less item on his to do list when he got home? I don’t know. What I heard was him exclaim, “You don’t need me!”

Resentment Leads to a Breakdown in Relationships

Now between the two of us at this point in our relationship, that was playful teasing. For some, however, that would have been a real criticism offered. For others, it would be something felt but not spoken, with another layer of resentment piled on.

He would resent her for disrespecting his ability and need to take care of it himself and she would resent him for his unspoken disappointment in her. In addition there would be the guilt and shame of something so simple and seemingly inconsequential causing a breakdown in the relationship.

How This Can Ruin a Relationship From the First Date

Now that’s a lot of heaviness associated with which of you takes a little screw and bolt and fixes the handle on a mailbox. But it is a reality for a lot of couples. For some, it has been such an intense reality in previous relationships that it can show up on a first date and ruin the chances of a budding relationship.

Just Listen!

On a different day, I had been in a conflict with a good friend and could not figure out what had gone wrong between us. Conflicted, I felt both guilt and victimization. All I wanted to do was tell my husband all about it, have him listen and appreciate how it made me feel.

I hadn’t gotten far into my story when he was already trying to fix what was wrong! I didn’t want him to fix what was wrong…I wanted to be heard, understood, and appreciated for the predicament I was in with my friend.

At that point, we were not as far along in our relationship as we are this week with the mailbox. I sighed, huffed, and aired my frustration over being unheard and misunderstood. If he really loved me, wouldn’t he know what I needed? Now I had feelings about his attempt to “help” me that I needed to process. Do you suppose he wanted to go there?

Mastering the Differences

There is a difference between men and women that once mastered creates happiness instead of strife. Men deeply appreciate respect and women deeply appreciate having their feelings valued. In fact, when a woman actively respects her man, he experiences his own feelings being valued. When a man actively values his woman’s feelings, she experiences respect.

One thing I do not understand and that is why is it so difficult for women to tell their men they respect them through their actions and words? It is tough. As soon as I believe I have this thing down, I turn around and treat that man like he is a child and I do not even realize I have done it! I take something away from him that he wanted to accomplish on my behalf.

I do that because he wasn’t getting it done in my time frame. So, again, there I am like a mama dismissing a little boy instead of appreciating my best fellow, my beau, and my lover, for all the love and all the ways he shows me he loves me!

On the other side of the issue, why is it so hard for men to value their women’s feelings? How often do we have to say, “I don’t want you to fix my problem! I want you to listen and understand how I’m feeling!” What is so hard about that?

I do not know why it is so difficult. I only know that it is. What I do know is that every single time I tell him I respect him, especially when it is for something very specific (not a generic, cover-my-bases respect), he glows and wants to be near me and love me! And every single time he values my feelings in word or deed, I melt and want to be near him and love him.

I do not know how long it takes to master a woman respecting her man and a man valuing his woman’s feelings. I do know that the discipline of practicing it has big payoffs and is well worth the time and energy!

Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m calling this economic crisis "Financial 9/11." And it’s obvious that this downturn has been around for awhile, and may be here to stay for quite some time.

A report was recently released that the recession is said to have started this time last year. Meaning we’ve already been experiencing a decline for nearly a year.

Not to start this article off on a down note, but it can be hard to keep spirits up, especially during the holiday season, when news like this hits the airwaves. So how can you avoid committing financial infidelity in this tough economic times?

Avoid Financial Infidelity

Those who end up falling into financial infidelity are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of "falling in love." They are trying to re-create their feelings, maybe not specifically with adulterous affairs, but by other means, including out-of-control shopping, or other risk-taking behaviors.

It may seem counter-intuitive that someone would "binge-shop" during tough financial times or that a person would actively seek out risk, but the satisfaction that is felt from this "quick fix" can appear to be worth the risk or the cost.

Talk to Your Partner

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication. I touch on various types of relational/financial communication in my book, Financial Infidelity, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances.

You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your "Imago," the way you look at money based on your past both as an individual and as a couple.

Don’t Let Stress Get to You

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging each other in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your "agenda."

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

The People You Love – Giving The Benefit Of The Doubt Even When It Feels Like The Last Thing You Want To Do

By wendystrgar

Here’s a new years resolution that anyone can keep. Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt.

Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment. We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes.

The People We Love Sometimes Bring Out the Worst in Us

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family. Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear.

It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me. He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point.

Sometimes the love we can express doesn’t bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us.

Seeing the Limits of Our Capacity to Love

It is a humbling realization. To see the limits of one’s own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself. This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech “Where do we go from here?”

He calls this creative redemptive love “ultimately the only answer we have as a human family.” This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with. It has to be enough.

When Love Brings Out the Best in Us

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me. I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources. It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections.

Needing to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident.

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe, I can’t fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can’t be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship.

In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space.