Love & Relationships

Think Your Partner is Cheating? Here’s How to Find Out…

Do you have a feeling in your gut that’s something wrong in your relationship? That maybe, just maybe, your partner’s being unfaithful? If you do, then you have a decision to make and several options to choose from.

The Options

First, think about how sure you are of their infidelity. If you aren’t sure at all then option one, confronting them right now, without wasting any time, is completely out of the question. Doing so could ruin the relationship because it’d highlight, rightly or wrongly, that you don’t trust your partner.

The second option: ignore your suspicions, assume they’re unfounded and that they always will be, that nothing’s going on, and continue as normal.

This option’s one many people take, either to avoid being confronted with an ugly truth, that their lover’s doing some extra ‘loving’ behind their backs, or because they fear they’re being unfair to their partners by being suspicious of them and doubtful of their devotedness.

Third option: do something to help eradicate your suspicions. Find out either way what’s going on, if your partner’s cheating on you or if they’re being faithful.

Learning the Truth

Okay, let’s assume option three is the one for you. You want to find out the truth and don’t want to simply ignore your gut instinct and continue on as normal. What methods of investigation, ways of discovering the facts, are there at your disposal?

1. The simplest way (often considered the first step), and something you might have already begun doing, is looking for obvious signs of potential betrayal. Your partner smells of a fragrance, perfume or after-shave you don’t recognize.

They’ve been leaving the house for work half an hour earlier than they’ve ever done before, for no apparent reason. They don’t seem to enjoy sex with you as they used to, or choose to avoid it completely whenever they can.

Keep an eye out for these surface signs of potential infidelity. In a way, looking for them and recording them in your mind or on paper can be considered harmless, it’s free information there to be noticed…if only you’ll look.

2. After the obvious potential signs of cheating dry up, or when you feel you’re at a dead end looking for and analyzing them, more forthright, headstrong action may be called for. Some people, at this point, reach straight for the Yellow Pages, thumbing right to the private investigator section.

That’s one option, sure, but there are things you can do yourself before calling in a third party. First, you could try setting a trap. It may sound a little primeval, like catching a wild animal, but really it’s more like a test.

These tests can take many forms. For example, arrange a “trip,” say you’re going away for a couple days to visit your folks, or friends, and use that time to keep track of some of the things your partner does.

You don’t necessarily need to sit outside in the car with a pair of binoculars 24/7, just pay attention to key times when your partner would, if you were home, do certain things, like leave the house for work, come home, etc.

You’d be surprised how many cheaters embrace these rare, private opportunities to further their affairs and indulge in some extra-marital ‘relations’.

Subtler Ways of Testing Fidelity

There are also subtler ways of testing your partner’s fidelity and faithfulness. One of them’s called the ‘gossip’ test. It involves bringing up the topic of cheating using a fictional third party, such as one of your work colleagues or friends.

Mention, without hinting at your suspicion of them in the slightest, that your friend (or whoever you’ve chosen to use for this test) confided in you that they’re cheating on their partner. Most people are, to some degree or another, even if it’s just to maintain conversation, interested in a little gossip, especially if it involves a subject as juicy as infidelity.

But when cheaters hear the topic of cheating brought up, they tend to silently panic – a rush of nerves sweeps their consciousness. Have they been rumbled? Is this a test? Am I reacting like a non-cheater would to this kind of chat?

Keep a close watch on how YOUR partner reacts…it could provide a telling insight into their current state of mind, how they feel about cheating and whether or not, when you boil it right down, you can trust them to not cheat on you.

Why Are Men So Afraid of ‘I Love You’?

By paulcarlson

Many women have been in relationships where the man is hesitant to say those three little words that she’s anxious to hear, “I love you.”

Why do men have such an issue with saying that they love a woman, especially if they’ve been dating for quite some time and have become exclusive?

“Why are men so afraid to say ‘I love you’?”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQB2VQReBgI[/youtube]

Commitment Phobia

Many men are afraid of commitment. That’s just the way it is. Many men don’t want to settle down and even when they are ready to settle down, they’re afraid of admitting it to themselves and to other people.

Society makes huge demands on men, including putting out the idea that men are supposed to be frivolous when it comes to women and date around. It can be difficult for a man, especially for a man that is afraid of commitment, to think of himself as someone who has settled down.

Many men feel that once you’ve settled down, you’ve lost your “spunk” or your sexuality and some men feel that once they settle down, a woman begins to control their lives. We’ve all heard those horror stories of grown men having curfews, and these are things that can cause a man to be afraid of telling their partner that they love them.

Societal Pressure

Many men feel pressure from society to be “manly” and feel they will be made fun of or ridiculed when they choose to share their feelings.

From childhood, men are taught that they shouldn’t share their feelings and the way society views men that do share their feelings is a hefty contributor to the fact that many men are afraid to tell their partners they love them.

A combination of societal pressure and commitment phobia are huge factors that contribute to the reasons that men don’t say, “I love you.”

What Do You Do?

If you’re a woman who’s been dating a man who hasn’t said, “I love you,” especially you have been dating him for a significant period of time, you most likely feel frustrated and at a loss. If you’re in this position, give your partner more time.

You can’t force him to love you or even to say it, whether he means it or not. Look for other ways that he might show you he loves you. Does he fill your car with gas? Does he pick up your favorite food when he runs to the grocery store?

Men show their feelings and let their partner know they love them in a number of ways, besides just saying, “I love you.” It’s possible for your partner to tell you he loves you without really saying the words at all!

Relax a little bit and let your partner show you that they love you in their own time, on their own terms. If you love your partner, don’t be afraid to say it. Just make sure that your partner doesn’t feel pressured to say it back just because you said it.

Eventually, if you and your partner become very close and end up in a long term relationship or even a marriage, your partner will tell you that they love you – even if it’s just between you and him.

How To Manage Money Issues in a Loving Relationship

By laurieweiss

When “money” is a couple’s issue, is there any way to get past it and still have a loving and supportive relationship, especially if every other aspect of the relationship is strong and loving other than the ways of looking at money (particularly in tough times)?

This money question from Jenny describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

When Money Becomes an Issue

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need—security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

What You Can Do Differently

A couple of things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on it’s own system.

Questions to Ask

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)

What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)

What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)

What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

What’s Next?

Once you answer these questions, your solution may seem obvious. If it doesn’t, try brainstorming options. Then label each option as to whether it comes form your Parent or Child or from your realistic Adult Ego State or program.

Many couples I work with have come up with different solutions to money issues. I can’t tell which would be best for you without knowing more about the problem. Having this conversation should get you started. The answer may become obvious once you learn about all the different impulses each of you has and sort them out together.

You can use this information about your own Parent, Adult and Child programs to understand what happens in your relationship, one sentence at a time. Just for example, what happens when the Parent of one of you talks to the Child of the other?

I’m In A Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

By melody

Many people find themselves in sexless marriages. As unfortunate as it is, if you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone.

Does that mean you have to live with it? Of course not! Here are some great ways to understand what is happening in your relationship and what you can do to fix it so you can turn the heat back up in your marriage.

First the sex was great… but suddenly I look up and I’m in a Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRi_tS14zak[/youtube]

How Sexless Is Your Marriage?

Different couples have sex at different frequencies. Some married couples have sex once a week and they’re completely satisfied.

Other couples have sex once a week and they’re not satisfied. They feel like they should be having sex three or four times a week or even every day.

Whatever frequency of sex that makes you and your partner most comfortable and satisfied is your “magic” number. Don’t feel that if your friends or neighbors are having sex more often that you have to have sex the same amount or you’re not satisfied with your sex life.

Have sex as often or as little as it takes to keep both you and your partner happy and satisfied!

Hormonal Issues

If you truly aren’t satisfied with your sex life, it’s time to make a change. There’s no reason that you should not be in a marriage with a satisfying sex life!

There are a number of things that can contribute to a sexless marriage or an unsatisfying sex life, so it’s time to do a little digging.

Visit your doctor to rule out any physical reasons that might be decreasing you or your partner’s sex drive. Many couples in sexless marriages will find out from their doctor that they have an imbalance of hormones that is contributing to a lack of sex drive. Your doctor can help you determine if this is an issue for you and your partner or not.

Feeling Close Again

Another big culprit of sexless marriages is not feeling close to your partner. Feeling emotionally distant can really take a toll on your sex life. You no longer feel emotionally safe with your partner, so you desire being sexual with them less and less.

If you find that this is a major issue with you and your partner, it’s time to get back on track and work on being closer emotionally.

A great way to feel close to each other is to sleep in the nude. It may sound strange, but sleeping in the nude and having skin to skin contact releases “happy” hormones that not only make you feel closer to your partner, but improve your emotional and physical health as well.

In addition to that, you can start talking to your partner and opening up to them emotionally, provided they do the same with you. If you’re truly having trouble with this, a counselor or therapist can help you and your partner start seeing eye to eye again.

Once you and your partner become close again emotionally, you’ll find that you want to experience each other sexually again as well.

If you find you’re in a sexless marriage, take a few steps to try and get your relationship in the right direction. With time and effort, you can figure out what went wrong and how you can get right back to where you want to be – in the bedroom!

10 Romantic Tips to Make Any Woman Happy

By maiaberens

Dictionary.com defines romantic as “displaying or expressing love or strong affection”. The media pushes flowers, dinners, vacations and expensive jewelry as ways to be romantic with a woman.

I have a different view of what’s romantic and I suspect any woman in a relationship for any length of time would agree. Of course, flowers, dinners, vacations and jewelry are lovely but they don’t necessarily speak to women’s three most primary needs in a relationship as described in John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

Having worked with John for many years and having become intimately knowledgeable with the Mars Venus concepts by virtue of my job, I had several aha! moments when I learned what they the three primary love needs were for a woman.

I am in total agreement with John Gray that women need most to be cared about, understood and respected. He suggests that “when a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes her rights, wishes and needs, she feels respected”.

A man can not care, not try to understand and not respect a woman at all, and still buy flowers and think that’s romantic. It won’t cut it, guys. So, following are 10 romantic tips in no particular order of importance that will make any woman happy and show her that you care, that you try to understand her and that you acknowledge and make important her rights, wishes and needs.

Remember to do the things you promised to do – without being reminded.

When my husband remembers that he promised to fix the blinds on the weekend and goes to Home Depot to buy what he needs, comes home and fixes the blinds just as he said, I feel this as an expression of love and caring. He knows that I like the house to look nice and things to work; I feel he understands and respects my desire to have it so.

Surprise her with something you know she wants – big or small.

This is such a big deal to me that I still remember when my ex-husband came home from work one day when I was pregnant with my first child 42 years ago with a balsa wood model airplane because I had said sometime in the past that I never had one.

I remember it as perhaps the sweetest, most romantic thing he ever did for me in the 19 years we were together. He occasionally brought me flowers but it didn’t make up for all his bad, uncaring, disrespectful behavior during the relationship.

Care about how she dresses.

My husband cares about what I wear, not from a critical or fault-finding perspective, but rather from an honest, loving interest in how I want to look and how I can look my best. It’s not about a compliment although heartfelt compliments are nice.

It’s that he knows that how I look is important to me and he cares to honor that. The way he makes me feel special and complimented is by telling me that how I look will make other men envy him.

Notice when she gets a haircut or changes her hairstyle.

I love that my husband always notices when I change my hair. It means he is really seeing me and paying attention not just used to me and making me become part of his exterior flow of things seen but not noticed like how the neighborhood looks.

Choose to spend time with her when she needs to do mundane things and you could be doing something more important or more fun.

When I do errands on the weekend, my husband often comes with me just because he says spending time with me is an adventure. I love that! I enjoy his company and even feel cared about. He could easily stay home and correct his student’s papers but instead he chooses time with me.

Pay attention to anything she creates – from cookies to a book she may write.

I feel so seen and important when my husbands listens to or reads everything I write. And I write a lot. I feel like I am the best, most creative person he ever met – and it feels good. And, he even was excited about the quiche I made a few weeks ago.

Look her in the eyes and tell her what inner qualities you love about her.

Oh, she likes to hear you think she’s hot, but watch her light up when you tell her you love how she always seems to attract the nicest friends or she is the best mother or you can’t get over how organized she is in all the family paperwork and even in her thinking.

Join her – even a bit – on her quests for self-improvement whether it’s a diet or exercise program or a self-help journey.

When I want to lose some weight and I give up half and half in my coffee and my husband joins me in doing that even though he doesn’t need to lose any, I feel his support for what I’m doing and I know he wouldn’t want to have something I particularly love, when I am choosing to forgo it.

Make her feel that you would rather spend time with her than anyone else.

Need I say more?

Show care and concern for those she loves, too.

I happen to have four adult children, their three partners and two grandchildren in my family. When my husband keeps saying how much he wishes my daughter didn’t move out of our neighborhood, it’s hard to explain how I feel. It’s a complex feeling made up of love, appreciation and shades of many other things.

Which leads me to tell you that when you do these 10 romantic things for her, the benefits to you will be beyond your wildest dreams.