Love & Relationships

The Brain/Credit Card Connection and Your Relationship

You are likely carrying around an emotional connection, and therefore, baggage, you didn’t even know you had. It’s a connection between your brain and your credit card debt; between your thoughts and feelings and why and how you spend money. It helps explain your views on money and debt and why you react to these things in certain ways.

Knowing about these connections and your money patterns won’t excuse you from financial problems you might face, but you can help nip these problems, and any repercussions they might have, in the bud.

I call these brain/money connections the Biochemical Craving for Connection.” It starts when stress causes thrill-seeking behavior. The stress can be linked as far back as childhood but can also be due to recent pain or emotional distress.

The thrill-seeking behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities.

You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. At the same time, these indiscretions give you another kind of high and the cycle starts: Give into sexual or financial pressure to help relieve stress, feel a “high” for a moment, then return to stressful feelings about the situation. Eventually, the only thing that can help your problem is the problem itself!

Areas in the Brain That Communicate With Each Other

There are several areas in the brain that communicate with each other to influence emotion. When it comes to dealing with extreme behaviors such as addiction, infidelity and poor decision making, these areas may be involved:

*The limbic system is made up of several structures that work together to control emotion, hormonal secretions, moods and pain/pleasure reflexes.

*The hippocampus is a structure within the limbic system and plays a role in emotion. If this area is damaged, it can reduce your ability to distinguish safe and dangerous situation, leading you to seek out situations that may FEEL safe, but in reality, aren’t. Things like sexual affairs or financial infidelity.

*The ventral striatum and the nucleus accumbens help process satisfaction and happiness. These areas are also associated with assessing risk reward and gratification. When these areas aren’t functioning properly, people may get involved with addictive behaviors leading to things like gambling, affairs, etc., in order to stimulate pleasure responses.

For people struggling with things like debt and/or financial infidelity, it’s helpful to figure out if these areas of the brain are coming into play. It’s also helpful to figure out what types of stressors may have triggered the Biochemical Craving for Connection in the first place so you can deal with the root cause.

Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair?

By melody

No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, an affair can completely turn your world upside down. Whether you were the cheater or the one who was cheated on, when the affair comes out into the open, it seems like life will never be the same.

Can a relationship survive an affair? What can you and your partner do to work past the affair and become a positive, healthy couple again?

Can a relationship really survive an affair? What’s the secret?

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The Causes Of Affairs

Too often, people view affairs as the problem. In reality, affairs are really not the problem at all. For example, having a runny nose and itchy, watery eyes are not a problem. They’re a symptom of the bigger issue of allergies.

Similarly, affairs are only a symptom of a problem in the relationship. If there are no allergies, there won’t be itchy, watery eyes and runny noses. If there are no problems in a relationship, there won’t be any affairs.

This can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially if you’re feeling victimized, but to begin working past an affair you have to own up to the causes of the affair.

The causes of the affair were unlikely to be “because your partner is a horrible person.”The more likely causes of the affair were that there was a problem between you and your partner to begin with.

Once you learn to accept that and own up to it, you and your partner can begin working through the affair.

Stop Feeling Victimized.

If you are the one who was cheated on, it’s normal to feel upset, hurt, betrayed and even victimized. Some people, however, stay in that state of mind for too long following the affair because they’re comfortable in the position of being the victim. Who wants to be the bad guy anyway?

It can be extremely difficult to own up to the contribution to relationship problems, and it’s a lot easier to sit back and feel like the other person did you wrong. You’ll never move past an affair if you continue to let yourself feel victimized. Take some time to think through how both partners contributed to the affair and what the possible problems in your relationships might be.

Solve Your Relationship Problems.

If you’re able to get to the point where you and your partner can both own up to your contributions to the affair, you’re ready to move on and start building your relationship back up. Counseling is a great way to work out your relationship problems and it’s very important that you do. If you ignore the underlying problems that caused the affair, the symptoms will continue to present themselves.

Enter into couples counseling or marriage counseling so you and your partner can begin to work through the deep seated problems that were behind the affair in the first place. It’s important to go into counseling together rather than individual counseling, because you stand a much better chance of solving your problems as a couple if you go through counseling as a couple.

With time and effort from both partners, you can begin to work through the affair and learn to trust each other again. When you begin to realize that both parties contribute to an affair, not just the cheater, your relationship has a much better chance of surviving the affair.

Five Little Words That Strike Fear Into The Hearts Of Men

By melody

Everyone knows that guys get freaked out at the age old question, “How do you feel about our relationship?” Even statements along the lines of “We need to talk” usually send guys running for the hills.

Why is this? How can you talk to your man about your relationship without scaring him off? What is the right way to go about it so your relationship can stay positive?

“Honey, we need to talk [about our relationship]”…

Why Do Men Always Get Defensive When You Want To Talk?

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They’re scared they’ll get it wrong.

When women ask men questions, they’re always afraid of giving the wrong answer. It doesn’t even matter what the question is most of the time.

If the “right answer” isn’t clear from the get go, men tend to shy away from talking about the subject with you at all. Many times, this stems from women getting angry and frustrated when a man does happen to answer a question. If he happens to answer with the “wrong” answer, the woman will get angry and the entire situation will get blown out of proportion.

If this happens,especially if it happens numerous times, men only learn that when they answer questions, bad things happen!

More often than not, men would rather not give an answer at all and shy away from the discussion than risk giving the “wrong” answer and getting a lot of flack for it.

Creating A Positive Atmosphere

You can avoid this by simply staying calm if your man gets an answer “wrong.” In essence, there really are no wrong answers. Discussing a relationship or other issues are actually just talking about how each person feels.

This isn’t wrong or right ,but what is said can upset the other person. By staying calm and collected even if your partner does something to upset you, you’ll keep your partner open to opening up.

Get angry and take it out on him, and he’ll close like a clam. Encourage him to open up by simply having a positive attitude about what he says. If something upsets you, tell him – in a nice way.

Asking the Dreaded Question.

Don’t approach a situation with the words, “We need to talk.” This only scares guys away. Women might not think it’s a big deal, but to men the mere suggestion of that type of discussion evokes a strong evacuation instinct. They can’t help it.

You can, however, help how you approach the situation. Say something positive about the relationship, for example, how much you enjoy a certain aspect of it. Then let him respond to that. Chances are, when approached like that, your partner will likely open up with what he enjoys about the relationship as well.

When the conversation starts rolling along in that manner, you can bring up issues that you have, of course, in a positive way. Avoid negative language like “you never” or “you always.”

It’s hard to do, but avoid placing blame. Just talk about the situation calmly with your partner and let them know how you feel. Avoid ranting and above all, give you partner room to talk to. No man enjoys being a listening post for a woman on a frustrated rampage.

Talk about any issues you have with your partner right away so you can avoid penting up your frustration and taking it all out on your partner at once.

Coping With Life After the Death of a Spouse

By elainewilliams

A life change from married to widow is not an easy transition. Whether you’re ready or not, a new life takes shape and somehow we must learn to adapt. Some days even the smallest change in our life can sometimes seem like too much to handle.

Once a widow or widower, your life has turned around drastically. Some of the obvious changes:

1.Size of Income

Income is sometimes halved or can even become nonexistent with the death of a spouse.

2. Tax filing status, and the tax implications

It may be appropriate to use an accountant for income tax preparation, especially in the first two years of loss.

3. Socially

When you are no longer part of a couple, friends and acquaintances may not be sure where you fit into the social circle. At times, you’re not sure where you fit in anymore. Don’t be surprised by adjustments, which may mean letting go of old friends. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet new people, when you are ready.

4. Economically

Bills don’t wait for recovery from the death of a loved one. Your children may need daycare and college age children still need books and tuition. There remains the immediate need to buy food, clothing, and everyday essentials.

Children up to eighteen years of age are eligible for social security benefits. As a surviving spouse you may also receive benefits until the youngest child reaches the age of sixteen.

Getting help from a financial planner can be of great benefit in the financial aspects of becoming a widow or widower. Debt can quickly become overwhelming.

5. Family

As the surviving spouse, we do the best in the solo role of mother and father. It helps, especially for young children, to keep life as normal as possible. You’ll find some days are easier than others.

6. Physically

Economic and lifestyle changes can be the most taxing challenges. Stress will rear its head in the oddest of places and circumstances. Take care of yourself in the kindest way possible or you may find it difficult taking care of anything else. Don’t berate yourself for the dirty laundry or the unmowed lawn.

7. Emotionally

The death of a spouse can throw you into an emotional tailspin. Processing grief is individual and it takes time. There is no right or wrong way to approach it. Don’t rush into any major decisions, especially in the first 12 months of loss.

8. Support

It can be helpful to accept help from outside sources; family, friends, grief support groups, therapists. Keeping fears and emotions suppressed can serve to make you ill and perhaps delay the entire grief process. And it is a process.

Try to move slowly through each day, each week. Don’t rush through the terrible feelings, but try to face them head-on, when you can, and release the tears. Yes, some days will be excruciating, but you’ll discover there is still joy to be found.

One day you may awake to find you’re feeling a little better, and perhaps you’ve evolved into a new person; one who is no longer afraid of new challenges as they arise. You may be surprised to discover that remaining open to life gives each of us the opportunity to reach a new normal.

8 Ways You May be Betraying Your Lover

By scottstephenpetullo

Infidelity comes in many different forms besides having a sexual relationship with someone other than your lover, assuming you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship with that person.

We’re often asked how romantic betrayal relates to spiritual tenets such as karma and personal destiny. In two words, a lot. Our long-term empirical research firmly indicates that everything you do and say will return to you, and usually not in the same lifetime.

The Big Picture

When looking at the big picture in relation to your love life, it’s important to realize that key circumstances and events, “good” and “bad,” happen because that’s the way your soul (not your personality) planned them before birth so you can learn your lessons and grow spiritually.

However, you do have free will to make the most of every situation. You can also limit your future life karma by treating others as you want to be treated now. Below we list five ways you may be betraying your lover, possibly even without realizing you’re doing so.

1. Emotional Cheating

You have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. You’re not sleeping with this other person, but still you have an intimate connection that you explore and nurture. If this sort of relationship isn’t acceptable with your spouse, then you are betraying them.

2. Fantasizing Outside the Relationship

You’re regularly fantasizing about someone else, even while in bed with your partner. If you and your partner have an agreement that it’s okay to do so, then fine, but beyond that, it’s a form of betrayal.

3. Disregarding Personal Health

You stop maintaining your health, take up unhealthy habits that cause your looks to deteriorate and, or otherwise are not making the most of your appearance and looking your best for your partner.

4. Decreasing Sexual Frequency

You limit the amount of sex between you and your significant other. Worse, you start to offer sex to your partner only under certain conditions, perhaps in exchange for something such as giving you more of his or her disposable income.

5. Cutting Off Your Partner

You cut off your lover emotionally or intellectually, or otherwise limit or sever vital human contact. Sure, relationships go through certain stages where you may change the way you relate, but to intentionally starve him or her of the type of emotional or mental contact you had prior is a form of betrayal.

6. Financial Irresponsibility

You are not financially responsible, spend more than you both make or have, and risk his or her good credit standing. Telling your lover he or she should be making more money isn’t an excuse for spending too much.

7. Just Pretending

You pretend you are in lust and love but you aren’t. Nobody likes to be with someone who really isn’t into them, but pretends to be.

8. Loving Someone Else

You are in love with someone else and, or you simply don’t love your partner anymore, yet you remain with them and pretend everything is great because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. This is actually selfish because you are keeping them from being with someone more compatible.

In a karmic sense, all of this behavior is ultimately betrayal and just as negative as fooling around behind your lover’s back. In fact, altering your behavior in any way, to your lover’s detriment, after a commitment has been made, is cheating. What to do if you are on the receiving end, you ask? We don’t recommend retaliating with similar behavior, since it will incur negative karma.

But if you’ve done all you can do to help your relationship, and your partner refuses to do their part, it is your right to sever the connection and leave if the betrayal or betrayals push the union beyond repair. You won’t incur any negative karma if you leave as peacefully and fairly as you can.