Relationship Advice

Absence Makes the Heart (and Body) Grow Fonder

With my husband away on a business trip last week, I had an experience that reminded me of relationship advice I received several years ago. The first couple of days he was gone, I was very busy with lots of tasks and goals to meet. Then that night, we couldn’t say “Good-night” to each other. I missed his call because I was in the shower and then he missed mine because his phone didn’t ring and we both had this idea that we were each tired and ready to go to sleep. With the loss of that “Good-night,” sadness filled my body and took up residence. Although we had wonderful conversations following that night, the sadness wouldn’t leave until I saw him again when I picked him up at the airport three days later.

When Your Partner Is MIA

Fair warning, the relationship advice this experience reminded me of is kind of morbid. Basically, the advice is to be fully present when your spouse has to be away for any reason because one of these days, one of you will die, leaving the other behind. When that happens, the sadness will take up residence in such a way that you’ll feel as if it will never leave. If you have had the opportunity before that day comes to allow yourself to experience physical separation, it will not necessarily make the grieving any easier, but you might understand that 1) you will survive it and 2) that sadness that fills your body is a testimony to the depth of the love you shared.

In the meantime, there are other uses for the experience of being fully present for how absence makes the heart and the body grow fonder!

How To Be Fully Present When Your Partner Isn’t

1. When your spouse is out of town and you have the house to yourself, you can appreciate him or her more as you stumble upon the things he or she usually takes care of that you, perhaps, have come to take for granted. Particularly if you have a list of complaints about what he or she doesn’t do, being reminded of what you don’t have to attend to because your spouse does can open your heart more.

2. In the mental space created by his or her absence, recall past loving events and feel your whole body open. Recall some of the humorous and quirky things that happened when you fell in love. When was the last time he or she did something especially thoughtful? Recall that and let it make you happy! What was your favorite thing that happened the last time you made love? Let that memory warm your heart!

3. Take the time to anticipate and plan for reunion sex! Reunion sex can be even better than make-up sex! The longing that has built up in your body can fully express itself once you’ve come back together.

4. Allowing the longing to fill your body can make you hunger for your spouse in a way that is very flattering to him or her. So figure out how to express that in some of those phone calls you exchange during the time apart.

5. Speaking of phone calls, there is always phone sex! It will not be as satisfying as reunion sex, but it will do in the meantime as well as create a reminder of how special and sacred the intimacy between you is.

So, the next time you have to be separated by business trips, sickness, family demands, etc. use the time to feel the longing, appreciate the sadness, and deepen the love. It will fill the empty spaces in your hearts and minds until you have the chance to fill the empty spaces in each other’s arms.

Arguing And Fighting: How Can You Fix Someone Else?

By paulcarlson

Arguing and fighting – it’s part of every relationship, right? What happens when the arguing and fighting begins to be too much? What do you do when arguing and fighting seems to be all you and your partner are doing, instead of enjoying your relationship? How do you figure out whose fault it is? If it’s your partners’ fault, how do you fix them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,
My girlfriend and I fight all the time and she’s always twisting things around to her side, keeping score, and she doesn’t seem to trust me. There are also several other issues that we need to resolve. Any advice on how to fix her and this relationship?
–Jacob, WA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ614jyQLEc&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Wake Up Call – It’s No One’s Fault And You Can’t Fix Other People

There’s the classic saying, “it takes two to tango” and it is especially appropriate for this topic. It takes two to argue and fight – it’s generally not just one person’s fault! The first step to beginning to ease the arguing is to stop placing blame and start looking within yourself instead of just pointing fingers at the other person. If you have to, sit down and really think about how you contribute to arguments as well as what your partner contributes – you’ll likely find that it’s an even divide between the two. Even if your partner does have some issues with arguing and fighting, you can’t “fix” someone else. You can only change yourself.

Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

Not at all! Men and women are definitely on different wavelengths – you know, the Mars and Venus thing. While a man may be “proving his point” logically, that probably won’t make any sense at all to a woman, because for a woman, the way she feels governs pretty much everything. Even if you are logically “right” (which is usually never the situation anyways), your female partner won’t see it that way because she still feels hurt, upset, frustrated, angry, etc., etc. How do you get past this particular hurdle in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, try to see things from her point of view. How would something you did or said make you feel? Yes, it’s time to get in touch with your emotions. It’s hard for a man, but try letting your emotions rule you for a day or so and you’ll feel what it’s like to be a woman. Similarly, your partner can do an exercise in trying to see things logically for a day or two – trying to forget about the emotional aspect of it and thinking more realistically. When you understand how men and women are different in that department, you’ll probably stop arguing destructively and fighting more constructively – you might even reach a resolution!

Do You Need Counseling?

Sometimes, a couple’s fighting and arguing habits have become so ingrained in them that it’s exceptionally difficult for each partner to step outside their “box” and see the situation from the other’s perspective. Counseling from an unbiased third party can really help with this. Don’t be ashamed from seeking counseling, or even reading books about the differences in men and women and how to argue constructively. If you truly care about your partner and about the relationship – and if your partner truly cares about you and the relationship – you’ll both be accepting and willing to take the steps you need to take to make your relationship healthy and happy again.

Long Distance Relationship – What Do I Do?

By loveandsex

Long distance relationships can be tough – especially if you’ve been together for awhile but have recently become long distance. What do you do when you have to choose between your current life or giving it all up to be with your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I moved in with my boyfriend but missed my parents sooo much that I moved out to be closer to them. I hoped my boyfriend would join me, but it’s been 8 months and he’s still not here! I’m not sure what to do. Should I stay close to my parents or move back with my boyfriend?

–Jessica, NY

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_WKKTeD-nk&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Cut The Cord

If your parents are playing a part in your long distance relationship – meaning, you haven’t moved to be with your partner because you’re afraid your parents might disapprove – it’s time to cut the cord. It’s important to separate what you want from what your parents want and decide what’s best for you – not what’s best for your parents. Take some time to really consider what you want out of your relationship and what you’re willing to do for it, aside from what your parents think or don’t think. It’s essential that you make this big life decision without their influence – it’s your life, remember?

Why Won’t They Move To Be With Me?

You might be questioning why your partner hasn’t moved to be with you or isn’t planning to – they may be content with the long distance relationship as is, or they may not be ready to move and leave their job and their current life. They also may be wanting to avoid letting you have the “power” when it comes to who will relocate to be with the other, or they may not want to be as involved with your parents. It’s important to sit down and discuss these issues with your partner, because if you don’t, nothing will get solved! If you’ve bought a house, or have secured a great career, it’s important to let your partner know about these things so they can decide how that weighs in with their job and their current living situation. Talk to your partner and go through several “mock” scenarios, talking about what would happen if you moved, or what would happen if they moved. You’re more likely to find a compromise if you and your partner talk things out together rather than just waiting for the other to start getting ready to move.

What Do You Want?

In the end, this situation is about what you want. It’s important to really think about your relationship and what you want out of it, as well as what you want out of life. Does your relationship satisfy you? Do you love the person you’re with? Or are you not sure whether this relationship is worth moving for? Ask yourself these questions to dig deep and really find out what you want, instead of letting it all slide by until you are forced to deal with the situation after it’s already become exacerbated.

If you’re really stuck trying to make a decision, talk to a therapist or someone else outside of the situation that can offer good, unbiased advice. Meanwhile, stay close to your partner through phone calls, emails, web chatting and web cams. If you’re planning on being with your partner eventually – regardless of who moves – it’s important to nurture your relationship and give and receive love in the meantime!

Less Is Enough – Relationship Survival Tips For A Receding Economy

By drbonnieeakerweil

Remember in school when it was so important to have just the right pair of jeans or to carry a shoulder bag instead of a backpack? To a certain extent – depending on your circle of friends and acquaintances – things can stay this way as we grow up and become adults. Are there certain brands you just have to have? Are there gadgets that seem absolutely necessary?

When The Tables Get Turned

The interesting thing about this recession we’re facing is that the tables, in many cases, seem to have turned. Instead of being looked down on for not having the right brands, the right accessories or the right clothes, kids – and we adults too – are being judged when they DO have these things. As more and more people cut back, those that don’t have to do so are under more and more pressure and scrutiny. The idea that a child – or adult for that matter – should feel ashamed because they don’t have the right toys or clothes is being turned on its head.

It’s for this reason that even celebrities – who in most cases have more than enough – are not “strutting their stuff” out of respect for the predicament we as a nation find ourselves in. So how do we handle these issues if we’re the person who’s feeling guilty for not cutting back, or if we’re the one who is unable to continue in the lifestyle we once were accustomed to? The answer, while simple, is something we can take to heart when dealing with issues of money and friends.

How To Handle The Recession In Your Relationships

1. Be honest. I’m not suggesting you should divulge how much you’re making (or not making) but rather that many taboos of money have fallen away – even more so in this economy. It’s OK to tell friends that you can’t afford the Sunday brunch you had planned or that you’ll have to save up for a weekend away. If you’re in a position that hasn’t changed since the recession, don’t feel guilty for continuing to live your life the way you want to. But do be aware of those around you. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Be sensitive. If you have a friend who doesn’t have the resources she once did, while you shouldn’t feel ashamed for continuing to live your life, acknowledge what she’s going through. Suggest meeting for coffee and someone’s house or having a movie night at home. You’d be surprised at how much this can help take the pressure off. And if you’re the person who’s having to cut back, understand that not everyone is having to make the sacrifices you are and that’s OK.

Using my Smart Heart dialogue – which I mention in both Financial Infidelity and Make up Don’t Break up, will enable you to do this. This method of communication reminds us to take the other person into account and, while it’s designed to be used with couples, works quite well with friendships, too. Understand that a person’s money habits can be ingrained in them from a very young age – or they may be used to assuming a certain status or lifestyle, and therefore are usually held to pretty tightly, even if that person doesn’t realize it! Integrating your differences and views about money during a shift in a close friendship or relationship can be difficult but is important to the ongoing health of that relationship!

Please understand I’m not suggesting you air your gritty budget details to everyone, but letting the people in your life know what’s going on – in broad strokes – is perfectly acceptable and understandable nowadays.

Is It Worth It? Her Mother Is Ruining Our Relationship!

By loveandsex

In-laws can be tough to deal with – just ask anyone who has in-laws! But what happens when one of your in-laws crosses the line and starts taking over your life? Your relationship with your partner is dwindling and your daily life is being affected because of it – how can you confront this situation without hurting your partner or causing more of a problem than there was to begin with?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My relationship is like a car going 200 MPH backwards! Her mother is taking over our relationship to the point where I work late just so that I don’t have to go home… Nothing I say or do seems to matter. When it comes to sex, I’m not even going to go there… The only reason I stay is for my daughter. What’s the best way to handle this mess and get my sanity back?

–Jason, Wisconsin

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqN7I-62iLY&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

When The In-Laws Start Stepping In

Whether your in-laws have been in the picture the whole time or are just now starting to come around, your relationship with your partner can seriously suffer if your in-laws start taking over your life. Whether they’re constantly at your house with their grandchildren, or insisting you and your partner do things their way, having an in-law that is too close for comfort is never a healthy or happy situation to be in. What do you do?

Evaluating Your Reactions

The first thing you need to do is sit down and really think about how you feel about the situation. Write it down if you have to, but you can’t confront it if you don’t know exactly what is triggering your feelings of discomfort. Are you working long hours just to get away from your in-laws? Is there something in particular that they do that bothers you, or are they simply too involved in you and your partner’s life? If it’s overwhelming you and you’re unable to have a good relationship with your partner because of your in-laws’ involvement in your life, it’s time to really dig deep and evaluate why you’re upset and exactly what you’d like to see change.

Confronting The Situation

When you get ready to confront the situation, don’t do so without your partner by your side. This isn’t just “your” problem – it’s your partner’s problem too. Your in-laws’ involvement in your life is affecting your relationship with your partner, as well as your entire family. You need to address this situation as a “we.” Talk to your partner openly and honestly about how you feel about the situation and avoid being condescending, negative or petty. You certainly don’t want to make this an ultimatum or not – it’s not about your partner having to “choose” you over your in-laws or vice versa.

Once you’ve spoken to your partner about your feelings and you’re ready to confront the situation with your in laws’ as a couple, sit down and have an honest heart to heart talk. Again, avoid being negative or petty, as this can cause more harm than good. The idea is to just get your feelings out there and let your in-laws know that they’re overstepping their boundaries. Suggest that they watch their grandchildren for a weekend while you and your partner get away, or something similarly constructive. Plan family dinners together and stick to those plans – stay away from unannounced visits and so on. If your in-laws just don’t want to step out? Talk to your partner and consider moving. It doesn’t have to be far, but a little bit of physical space in between your family and your in-laws might be exactly what you need to get through to them.