Relationship Advice

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

True forgiveness is when you have no memory of how it was before. The past loses its grip on your memory and suddenly there is room for a new way of relating. It’s an odd phenomenon because it isn’t an experience that you can will to happen, it is something that happens to you, seemingly without you- when you have an open heart and a true intent to find what there is to stay for.

Choosing to stay in a relationship is tied to the belief in the power of forgiveness to change life completely. It is the singular pathway we have at our disposal to make things new between people. Having an excellent memory and needing to be right are not helpful in developing this quality in your life.

Be Respectful To One Another

The other important agreement we made was to stop saying anything mean or disrespectful to each other. Couples often have subtle sarcasm, jokes that aren’t really jokes that pepper a conversation and slowly but surely eat away at the positive feelings between them.

Taking note of how often we might say things to our partner that we would never utter to a friend or even a stranger might surprise you. Becoming conscious of the words we use in our daily relating is the door to making a partnership safe.

With practice, the hurtful ways we communicated were planted over by the two of us actively trying to stay. Over time, even the negative unspoken thoughts we were trying not to say were replaced with small kindnesses. Connection happens by itself when we feel safe.

A Whole New Life

Then seemingly suddenly, we began exploring our intimate life with a whole new curiosity and openness. Our sex life became the glue to hold the rest of the more challenging places together. The safer I felt in the relationship, the more risks I could take in the bedroom.

The more our physical love flourished, the more that our relationship thrived. There are still times when one of us, might not feel in the mood when the other does, but now it doesn’t mean anything more than what it is, bad timing.

Although it took us years to get here, sharing the kind of deep intimacy which is the reward for all the communication work that you put into years together is an extraordinary blessing. There is nothing like the “take your breath away” power of loving someone who loves you back, with their eyes wide open. There is no place in life that is more satisfying, healing and transforming.

How Can You Handle Your Fights Better

By paulcarlson

Every couple fights and argues. It’s something that is normal for two people to disagree, no matter who they are!

However, fights with your partner tend to become more heated and passionate and often escalate to a point where one or both partners end up feeling hurt, frustrated and angry.

How can you learn to handle your fights better so your relationship doesn’t suffer?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

“My girlfriend and I fight a lot. We both get really mad at each other and we say things we don’t mean. Is this normal? How can we learn to fight fair?”

–Jeff, North Carolina

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHxo4vvbRLw[/youtube]

Being An Adult

Even adults have the tendencies to revert back to their childish ways when getting into a heated argument. They may become critical, passive aggressive or even begin to act out and throw things.

Disagreements between two people aren’t what destroy a relationship. It’s the caliber of the fight.

Holding grudges and resentment, being passive aggressive or even hitting below the belt verbally and trying to hurt your partner are all things that have incredible consequences on the relationship and at that point, it’s not even really about the original disagreement in the first place.

The best way to curb a fight like this is to keep your actions in check. Be an adult about expressing your feelings. Don’t become withdrawn, don’t become critical and don’t lash out.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and even agree to disagree. Talking about your feelings in an adult way without being childish at all means you’re doing what you can do to keep the fight from escalating.

It’s Already Escalated. Now What?

It can be difficult to diffuse a fight or argument that has already escalated, but it’s not impossible! While you can’t control how your partner acts or reacts in an argument, you can control your actions and reactions and keep them in check.

If you find that the argument or fight has already reached a point where both of you are starting to act irrational or are really raising your voices, it’s time to take a time out. Take a few minutes to simmer down and get your emotions in check, as well as bring yourself back to the disagreement at hand.

Why You Need to Cool Down

Often what happens in a heated argument is that the original disagreement is lost when one or both partners start to become resentful, angry and frustrated. After you and your partner have both had some time to cool down, you can once again talk to each other about the real issue at hand.

Remember, it’s okay to agree to disagree! You and your partner don’t have to have the same viewpoints on every issue. If it’s something that really has an effect on your lives, work out a compromise that pleases both of you.

You can’t do this if your fight is escalating and both of you are being critical, raising your voices or even throwing things. Nothing gets solved that way! Be an adult, take a time out, and come back to the situation with a clear head.

While it’s natural and even healthy for people to disagree about things, it’s important not to become childish when you and your partner disagree, because you’ll affect the relationship in many more ways than that. Be open and honest with your partner in a non-judgmental way and keep a level head. If you both do that, you’ll solve arguments and disagreements in no time.

The Best Years are Yet to Be, if You Allow It…

By elainewilliams

Recently I was asked to describe the best years of my life. When I was younger, I remember summers going on seemingly forever. What wonderful times, playing tag or touch football until dark with the neighborhood kids, staying out until you had to come inside to take a bath and jump into bed. Endless, wonderfully carefree summer days.

Marriage and Babies

Marriage and the subsequent birth of my three boys followed. Each of their births is etched indelibly upon my memory. My oldest arrived two weeks early, dark haired and perfect, a little miniature human being. Always active and a handful, but a wonderful, compassionate person who turned 24 this year.

My middle son arrived screaming, as if he could hardly wait to enter the world. He was the head banger. If he fell, he always managed to hit his head. Following his speedy arrival, he’s been laid back ever since and has a wonderful, dry sense of humor. That was a memorable 22 years ago.

My youngest son was a real surprise when I discovered myself pregnant at 35. We were whisked into the delivery room with only twenty minutes to spare. He arrived screaming, eager to see what was going on. I’ll never forget the moment my husband looked at me and said, “You make beautiful babies.” That beautiful baby is now 16.

The best years and memories are scattered so delightfully throughout my life, and most center around family. At times the images arrive in vivid, fresh detail, as if I’m looking at a photo album.

The Unthinkable

When my husband died, there was a long time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say “the best years of my life” again. I felt stuck, emotions running from lonely and confused to isolated. I tried to understand, but many days I felt as if I was drifting with no purpose or passion.

In a gradual process, the darkness lifted. Five years later, I realize there are many days that I will be able to look back and say, “These are some of the best years of my life.” I have become so much more empowered from the experiences I’ve been given, managing to take something good out of each “sad” experience.

I now find it exciting, knowing there is so much before me, and some of the best years of my life are yet to come.

A Secret to the Cease-Fire in the War between the Sexes

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Sexual tension between a man and a woman can be a good thing. However, sometimes we get stuck and the tension in the relationship mounts to dangerous levels. There is a secret to the cease-fire in the war between the sexes. Read on to discover what it is!

What Causes The Tension

Recently my husband installed a new mailbox for me. It is beautiful, as mailboxes go! However, within a week, the handle broke! Held to the door of the mailbox with two screws and bolts, one of the screws went missing and my beautiful mailbox looked ugly with its handle hanging sideways.

He talked about how to fix it but he didn’t fix it because he had to go on a business trip. After all, the handle still worked, it just looked funny. So, while he was gone, I fixed it! I had paid attention to how he would fix it and decided to do it myself. Then the next time I had him on the phone, I bragged about it.

Was he proud of me? Was he relieved there was one less item on his to do list when he got home? I don’t know. What I heard was him exclaim, “You don’t need me!”

Resentment Leads to a Breakdown in Relationships

Now between the two of us at this point in our relationship, that was playful teasing. For some, however, that would have been a real criticism offered. For others, it would be something felt but not spoken, with another layer of resentment piled on.

He would resent her for disrespecting his ability and need to take care of it himself and she would resent him for his unspoken disappointment in her. In addition there would be the guilt and shame of something so simple and seemingly inconsequential causing a breakdown in the relationship.

How This Can Ruin a Relationship From the First Date

Now that’s a lot of heaviness associated with which of you takes a little screw and bolt and fixes the handle on a mailbox. But it is a reality for a lot of couples. For some, it has been such an intense reality in previous relationships that it can show up on a first date and ruin the chances of a budding relationship.

Just Listen!

On a different day, I had been in a conflict with a good friend and could not figure out what had gone wrong between us. Conflicted, I felt both guilt and victimization. All I wanted to do was tell my husband all about it, have him listen and appreciate how it made me feel.

I hadn’t gotten far into my story when he was already trying to fix what was wrong! I didn’t want him to fix what was wrong…I wanted to be heard, understood, and appreciated for the predicament I was in with my friend.

At that point, we were not as far along in our relationship as we are this week with the mailbox. I sighed, huffed, and aired my frustration over being unheard and misunderstood. If he really loved me, wouldn’t he know what I needed? Now I had feelings about his attempt to “help” me that I needed to process. Do you suppose he wanted to go there?

Mastering the Differences

There is a difference between men and women that once mastered creates happiness instead of strife. Men deeply appreciate respect and women deeply appreciate having their feelings valued. In fact, when a woman actively respects her man, he experiences his own feelings being valued. When a man actively values his woman’s feelings, she experiences respect.

One thing I do not understand and that is why is it so difficult for women to tell their men they respect them through their actions and words? It is tough. As soon as I believe I have this thing down, I turn around and treat that man like he is a child and I do not even realize I have done it! I take something away from him that he wanted to accomplish on my behalf.

I do that because he wasn’t getting it done in my time frame. So, again, there I am like a mama dismissing a little boy instead of appreciating my best fellow, my beau, and my lover, for all the love and all the ways he shows me he loves me!

On the other side of the issue, why is it so hard for men to value their women’s feelings? How often do we have to say, “I don’t want you to fix my problem! I want you to listen and understand how I’m feeling!” What is so hard about that?

I do not know why it is so difficult. I only know that it is. What I do know is that every single time I tell him I respect him, especially when it is for something very specific (not a generic, cover-my-bases respect), he glows and wants to be near me and love me! And every single time he values my feelings in word or deed, I melt and want to be near him and love him.

I do not know how long it takes to master a woman respecting her man and a man valuing his woman’s feelings. I do know that the discipline of practicing it has big payoffs and is well worth the time and energy!

Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m calling this economic crisis "Financial 9/11." And it’s obvious that this downturn has been around for awhile, and may be here to stay for quite some time.

A report was recently released that the recession is said to have started this time last year. Meaning we’ve already been experiencing a decline for nearly a year.

Not to start this article off on a down note, but it can be hard to keep spirits up, especially during the holiday season, when news like this hits the airwaves. So how can you avoid committing financial infidelity in this tough economic times?

Avoid Financial Infidelity

Those who end up falling into financial infidelity are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of "falling in love." They are trying to re-create their feelings, maybe not specifically with adulterous affairs, but by other means, including out-of-control shopping, or other risk-taking behaviors.

It may seem counter-intuitive that someone would "binge-shop" during tough financial times or that a person would actively seek out risk, but the satisfaction that is felt from this "quick fix" can appear to be worth the risk or the cost.

Talk to Your Partner

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication. I touch on various types of relational/financial communication in my book, Financial Infidelity, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances.

You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your "Imago," the way you look at money based on your past both as an individual and as a couple.

Don’t Let Stress Get to You

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging each other in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your "agenda."

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.