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Wired to Connect: Why Technology Keeps You From Really Connecting With Your Loved Ones

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Sustainable love, the kind that we use as a compass to keep us connected to a vital, healthy and happy relationships are now being recognized as skills that might just save our species.

Hardwired to be social

We finally have the scientific equipment to verify what we have always known: our drive to be social, to be connected to each other, is actually hardwired. Our need for connection and drive towards empathy is not a result of environmental influences but rather a function built into the brain itself.

Daniel Goleman, PhD, a New York Times science writer and bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence, has taken his research to a whole new level and has published Social Intelligence.

Advances in neuroscience now allow us to observe brain activity while we are in the act of feeling. We can now witness that we are continuously forming brain to brain bridges- a two-way brain traffic system. In the same way that we can “catch” a cold from someone, we can “catch” their bad mood- or good mood.

The significance of the relationship indicates how deeply we are affected and will stimulate actual physical consequences: hormonal response that magnifies stress (cortisol) or induces happiness (oxytocin).

Take your vitamins

Positive interactions and being surrounded by loving people actually works like a vitamin for your entire being. Negative relationships and interactions don’t just make us angry; they make us ill. As in other brain functions, this one also reflects our amazing neuro-plasticity.

This is to say that our brains are continually building new connections. And, no matter how young or old, anyone’s personality can be affected by other people. We literally heal each other through our social connections.

Virtual reality

This news couldn’t come at a better time, as we continue to replace real interaction with techno-driven reality. Is it really dating when it is virtual? Are we connected to others when we only share words on a screen? More than any new technology, what we truly need is to develop a lifestyle which encourages deeper human connection.

Overwhelmed with digital connectivity, it is easy to become oblivious to the people surrounding us. How often have you witnessed someone at a check out stand absorbed in some deep conversation on a cell phone and entirely oblivious to the person in front of them.

Making real connections

Real intimate connections don’t happen on the phone, in a text message or on IM: they require a real-life presence where we pay full attention to the people we live with. Empathy grows in our brain through eye contact, voice recognition, and touch–all of the time-intensive ways of knowing another person well enough that we can’t objectify them.

Empathetic connections are the prime inhibitors of human cruelty. Scientists agree that the survival of our species depend on our ability to grow and develop this innate ability and a culture which encourages deep and true human connections.

So next time you’re feeling blue about the state of the world, turn off your electronic gadgetry and go for a walk, preferably holding hands with someone who loves you. Sustaining your love is not only good for you, but you may also be saving an endangered species!

Afraid To Talk To Your Partner? Here’s a Step By Step Guide to Overcoming Your Fears…

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Certainly love means many things but one of the critical components is the ability to be courageous and indeed honest in your communications with your partner.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult of tasks because of the many fears that step in one’s way. It may not seem surprising that these fears are also those that eventually spell the demise of a relationship.

So what are some of these fears and how does one transcend them in order to establish a healthy and truly loving relationship?

Fears in Communication

First the fears; they include such things as:

  1. I fear I will be rejected if I speak my truth to my partner.
  2. I fear I will hurt my partner with my truth.
  3. I fear I will feel guilty and be unable to forgive myself.
  4. I fear I will have to justify my feelings or beliefs to my partner.
  5. I fear my partner may get angry with me.

Clearly capitulating to such fears means suppressing your own truth. That is accompanied with feelings of frustration, dishonesty, needing to constantly be on guard that one’s truth is kept under control, and a decreasing degree of true intimacy.

It may also lead to feelings of becoming emotionally and sexually distant from one’s partner, possibly the sharing of such information with third parties in order to vent one’s frustrations, sexual affairs and so on.

The tendency for all of these is to undermine the relationship anyway.

So if you’re feeling caught between the proverbial “rock and the hard place” how does one find a way to nurture a truly healthy, loving and sustainable relationship? Well, to summon up the courage to be honest and truthful when the circumstances call for it!

Summoning Up the Courage to Communicate

Of course in order to do so one must transcend the catastrophic beliefs i.e. the potential for rejection, being hurtful, feeling guilty etc., that are fed by the fears that I have listed above.

Here is a powerful way to accomplish this.

Let’s take the first item above i.e. the fear of rejection as an example that you can walk through with me.

Overcoming Fear Step by Step

Now contemplate the following question: “What is the benefit to you of having the fear of rejection living inside you?” Initially one may say that it protects one from getting rejected,

If this is the case, then supposedly how would you feel knowing that you were being protected in this way? Well, you might say that you might be feeling safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

So to summarize one could say that: The fear of rejection causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

Is That Really Your Truth?

Is that, however, the truth? Clearly not because this fear actually makes one feel anxious, weak, fragile, tense, and leads to secretive behaviors that make one feel guilty, insecure and in fear of being found out.

This is clearly the opposite of the summarized conclusion above espousing the supposed benefits of the fear. So, can these opposite statement be simultaneously true? Clearly not!

Determining the Truth for You

Well then, which one is the truth for you? If you look closely at it I think you’ll see that the fear is not beneficially acting for you.

Well that means that the statement above that ” The fear of rejection causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say” is false!

If you see this, do you want this false belief to be residing in your mind or body? If not then simply ask, from your heart, to have this belief purged from your life now.

Next, you’ll notice that the fear itself is clearly toxic to you as it undermines how you feel and your behaviors in your relationship so do you want it living inside you? If not, then again speaking from your heart ask it to be purged from your life now.

Now contemplate how you would rather be or feel in relation to being able to speak your own truth with your partner. This might look something like: feeling calm, confident, resilient, relaxed, loving, honest, and so on.

If this new way of being, as you have delineated it for yourself, feels desirable then again assert this to yourself as you speak this through your heart.

Now that you’ve come this far simply notice how you feel inside and how you feel about and towards your partner. You may be pleasantly surprised at how wonderfully positive loving moments will emerge through your new found freedom to be open and confident in this way.

5 Tips For an Amazing Relationship

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Here are 5 tips to help you make yours a truly amazing and happy relationship…

1. Make Time For Your Relationship

Time and time again, people tell me my ideas are wonderful, but they feel they can’t be as loving or romantic as I am because they don’t have enough hours in the day.

I have the same amount of time given to me each day as everyone else does. It’s how I prioritize the time that might be different. Besides my relationship with my Creator, my time spent with Athena is most important to me.

More important than my job. More important than the money I make. More important than exercise. More important than my friends or other family members. And yes, even more important than Ashton, my darling little son.

I am not against nice items for those who can afford them and don’t have to work insane hours to attain them. But I am slightly perplexed by those who work too many hours or have a long daily commute just so they can have “things,” not realizing they are losing something that is even more valuable and precious.

2. Share Secrets Together

I’ve got a secret and I’m not sharing. Actually, I have a lot of secrets. There are a lot of things that are only known to Athena and me that keeps us close.

I like it when Athena shares things with me that she doesn’t share with others. It makes me feel special and unique in her eyes. I tell her things that I don’t tell my friends or family. It’s not like these are horrible things we have done that we can’t tell others. I just want Athena to feel like she knows me better than anyone else.

Make your sweetheart feel special. Always share important things with them first. Let some things remain a secret between the two of you for a little while before letting the rest of the world know all about your personal life.

3. Have Date Nights

Without special time together, relationships can pull apart or simply become stale. But you can’t simply replace doing nothing with doing the exact same thing week after week. The oh-so-predictable dinner and a movie can be all right if mixed up with some other types of dates.

Here are a few suggestions: Bookstore, library, museum, zoo or park date, or together collect clothes for a shelter.

4. Spice Up Your Love Life

If you find that sex is becoming very sporadic in your relationship (and you are not happy with that) consider scheduling “sex nights.” Just like date nights, schedule one or two days each week for physical intimacy. Some people find the idea of planned sex off-putting at first, but later come to anticipate the weekly ritual. Having sex planned in advance makes for prolonged foreplay!

5. Get Your Debt Under Control

If you want to have a blissful relationship, you will need to get your debt under control (or at least a plan to do so). Otherwise, your debt will control you and affect you physically and psychologically.

When you get a paycheck, the first thing you should do is set aside money for charity/church. Doesn’t seem logical, but it works. Sit down with your partner and discuss all aspects of your family budget.

Only when you analyze your spending habits will you fully realize where you are wasting money. It’s a great opportunity to talk about your goals and dreams. Realize that frivolously spending money can be a sign of disrespect for your marriage and mate.

If you would like a bigger diamond ring or a fancier car, ask yourself why. Take a quick inventory of all the items you own but could really live without. Consider how much you paid for them. What if you didn’t buy those items and had all that money in savings instead? Would it make a difference in how you view your job, your family and your future?

I’ve Shown My Commitment to Him. Now Why Won’t He Propose?

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You’re in a committed relationship. You’ve shown your commitment to your partner in one way or the other, and now you’re ready for them to show theirs. Will they propose? When will you get the ring? How can you let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step?

While approaching your partner and flat out telling them they need to propose is not necessarily a good idea, there are ways to communicate your emotional needs about commitment to your partner without putting the pressure on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with by BF for 2.5 years – both divorced with kids. I am moving an hour away from my work & family to be closer to him. Thing is, now that I have shown my commitment by buying a house and moving closer to him, I would like for him to show his and give me a ring.

We don’t intend to marry for several years yet but I would love that we are sharing with our children & families that we ‘intend’ to one day. I am taking a huge step and it would be a wonderful representation of his efforts if we could have that symbol. Marriage is not important to him as he feels committed without that.

How do I share that a ring is not just a material object to me, without pushing him away?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL3oY11Q0Bo[/youtube]

Why Are You Looking For A Ring?

Often, people will keep scores in their relationships. They may feel that because they did something for their partner, they’re owed something in return. Is this why you’re looking for a ring? You’ve proved your love and commitment, and now you feel it’s time for them to prove theirs. Is this healthy? Actually, it’s not.

Relationships aren’t about keeping score or proving anything. You’re with your partner because you love them and you do things for them because you love them. This is what makes a relationship beautifully dynamic! If you’re looking for a ring so your partner can “prove” their love to you, you might be looking for the wrong reasons.

This doesn’t mean you have to give up all hopes of getting a ring, however. For many people, rings are a symbol of commitment and they’re a wonderful way to share your love with each other.

Telling Your Partner What A Ring Means To You

If a ring would mean a lot to you emotionally, you’re certainly entitled to let your partner know how you feel. The important part of letting your partner know what’s going on in your mind is not to tell your partner that they “have” to give you a ring, or that they “should.”

Let your partner know what a ring symbolizes to you and how having one would make you feel. Keep the discussion about how you feel, and not what you expect. This will keep the conversation from going downhill and backfiring.

What If They’re Not Ready?

You may let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step and that having a ring would mean a lot to you, only to have your partner let you know that they’re not ready. It might be an emotional blow, but if your partner isn’t ready, they’re just not ready. Don’t force your partner into engagement or marriage.

They should be able to take that step when they feel comfortable, not because you’ve forced them to. Accept that your partner isn’t ready for marriage or engagement and leave it alone. If you love each other and you’re committed to each other, you can wait it out until your partner is ready to make the next step.

Focus on your positive relationship and how much you and your partner love each other rather than focusing on what “isn’t” happening. Let your relationship take its natural course. Both you and your partner will be happier knowing that you gave your relationship time to grow and mature, and only when the time was right did you move on to the next step. Sometimes, things are worth waiting for!

Sex Is Boring… How Can I Get My Wife To Be More Seductive?

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This is a question many men would like to have answered. How can you get your wife to be more seductive? How can you get your wife to do all those things that turn you on so much?

It all starts with whether or not she feels comfortable enough with herself. If she is comfortable with herself, she will begin to let go of the doubt she has over dressing in that skimpy lingerie, talking dirty during sex, or whatever else she may otherwise be inclined to hide for fear of being rejected. Getting your wife to be more seductive begins with making her feel more attractive and accepted.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I are very sexually active, but I’m getting rather bored. She wants to have sex but that seems like that’s ALL she wants to do.

How can I get her to talk dirty and to seduce me?. She seems to be too self conscious about her body and thinks that it’s “silly” and only happens in the movies. Please help.

–Paul, Washington

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ4ypKdp87g[/youtube]

Dressing sexy

No matter how good a woman looks to you, chances are she doesn’t see the same thing you do when she looks in the mirror. It is a scary notion to step in front of someone naked only to have them recoil in disgust. Many women have this very fear, so they are often afraid to dress in sexy, skimpy clothes.

Imagine if someone dressed you in a loincloth and threw you in front of a stranger. You’d feel very exposed and tense.  Chances are pretty good that you would also feel a bit embarrassed about standing in front of someone with barely anything to cover you.

Even if you have been married to someone for years, it can still feel awkward or uncomfortable to stand in front of someone with next to no clothes on. This is where feeling comfortable with her body comes in. If you let your wife know that you think she is beautiful and talk with her about trying new things to be more seductive, then you are taking steps in the right direction.

Ask her to simply try dressing seductive, and if she feels uncomfortable she can stop. This lets her be in control and if you show interest in her while encouraging her to let go of her doubt about herself, then you have opened the doorway for you and your wife to experiment with new areas of arousal and sexual excitement.

Talk dirty to her

Talking dirty is another aspect all together though, as it has nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the mind. You’d probably give a thousand bucks for the ability to know just the right dirty things to say to make your partner moan with desire and you’d give a million to take back saying the wrong things and having your partner look at you like you’re crazy.

This alone can be enough to deter many women and men from experimenting with dirty talk at all. The most important thing about incorporating dirty talk into your sex life is starting small.

Don’t try to go over the top at first, as this can make for some awkward moments. You can start by simply describing what the other person is doing to you, or how you want them to do it. Don’t feel bad if the words don’t come rushing out at first, as with everything else practice makes perfect.

You can ask your wife to be more seductive, for which you may get shot down, or you can help her. Compliment her, romance her and make her feel sexy in her own skin. Let her choose lingerie that she likes, even if it’s not the skimpiest thing on the rack.

Talk dirty with her, instead of asking her to talk dirty to you. With your help, your wife will feel better about herself and your sex life will improve drastically!