Relationship Advice

Do You Know Why Your Partner is Pushing You Away?

Don was a tall thin, ex bass guitar player of 43 who had been sober for 18 months. He had, for the first time in his adult life begun to experience the pleasure of being alive without drugs in his system and had met Karen. Karen was a divorcee with two teenaged children. Her ex-husband had been a raging, violent alcoholic with whom she had struggled nearly 20 years to make a life.

When she met Don she felt relieved to be with someone who listened to her feelings, cared about what she thought and wanted. Together they forged an attempt at a marriage. Within six months Don had begun verbally putting her down and nagging at her for minor infractions. Karen had been “through this before” and she withdrew from him emotionally, mentally making her plans for divorce before they were through their first year.

The Underlying Issues

Before the year was out she had divorced him and was convinced that no man could be what she needed. When I spoke with her a few months after the divorce she told me about the failure of their marriage. She said he had never been able to perform sexually, but that she was not upset about it; she was just happy to have someone who cared about her. But as his own since of inadequacy around his sexual performance grew, he became angrier and angrier toward her, ultimately pushing her to divorce.

I was saddened that she had not discussed her marital problems with me prior to their divorce because I knew what had happened could have been prevented had she been aware of the dynamic underlying his behaviors. Don’s insecurity put him in a position of feeling trapped and hopeless, despairing of being the partner for his wife in the way he wanted. His instinct was to move into a self-protective mode, pushing her away so that she would not want to be sexual with him. Karen then reacted back in her own self-protective mode and retreated behind first emotional barriers, then legal ones.

Both in tremendous pain and feeling like a failure, the marriage dissolved without so much as a look back.

Failure Out of Fear

Don and Karen’s dramatic example of how a marriage can fail out of a fear that is not addressed highlights the pain that results from a lack of compassion in marriage. Do I think Karen should have continued to put up with his verbal abuse? No, I don’t. But I do think that if she had been able to see through the rage into the pain that was underneath, she may have been able to save her marriage.

Don continued to be the same loving, gentle, wounded soul she had married, but she lost sight of that because of how his hurt and fear played out. No one can blame her for that considering the abuse she had endured for nearly 20 years. Yet all in all, it was such a shame for both of them.

Had Karen recognized that he was pushing her away because he was so fearful of rejection by her because of his inadequacy in the bedroom, she could have responded to him with empathy instead of self-protective anger. Had Don recognized and been able to own his true fear to her instead of pushing her away, things might have turned out very differently…

If Karen had come to me sooner, I could have helped them work through their fears and begin to see each other as human beings who are hurting and desperate for love. Had either of them taken ownership of the situation and offered empathy and respect to the other, compassionate understanding could have transformed their relationship.

How to Work Through the Fear

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner seems to suddenly be pushing you away with anger, nagging or other kinds of protective withdrawal there are things you can do.

Breathe, and know that whatever is going on with them, while it might seem like it is about you, rest assured it is not. Contain your own reactivity long enough to hear what is really going on.
Listen to the fear and hurt underneath the anger. When someone is angry and bitter or cold, they are in pain and/or fear.
Respond in a way that acknowledges your recognition of their feelings. Say something like; “I can see that you are really hurting right now. I’m sorry. What is going on?” Use your own words to convey that message.
Give them a chance to fully disclose what they are feeling even if it makes no sense to you initially and you don’t agree with their point of view.
Respond to what they are saying with some kind of acknowledgment that what they are saying makes sense given how they saw things. (This does not mean you agree, only that given how they are seeing it, it makes sense.)
Let them know you empathize with their pain and/or fear. Have you ever felt anything like what they are expressing before? Our human experiences are always similar. Letting your partner know you’ve been there helps them feel safer with you.
If they will let you, connect through some kind of physical touch, a hand on the shoulder, a kiss, a hug, a held hand… something that gives them the physical sensation of your being there with them.

Of course, I recognize how difficult this is to achieve when someone is expressing their anger directly to you. But when you can shift out of the automatic reactive self-protection mode you have a chance and getting beyond the tit for tat battles that are the downfall of even very close relationships.

The compassion that is the end result of such communication can really change everything about your life in every relationship. It can save your marriage.

How The Power of Empathy Can Improve Your Relationships

By lisa

Back massage? Flowers and candles? Sexual favors? Yes, all of these help keep the fires of a relationship burning. But have you ever considered the power of empathy?

Empathy in a relationship continues to fuel the stuff of really long lasting relationships because, I believe, most people desire to feel like their partner not only “gets” them but cares about how they’re feeling on a deeper level.

As far as long term relationships go, this level of attunement trumps massages, romantic gestures and sex as all of these wonderful elements have natural ends to them.

The benefit of being empathetic towards your mate is that it constantly reinforces your relationship foundation – and the payoff is enduring.

“So what is empathy?”

According to the Webster dictionary, empathy is, “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” Empathy may be a ‘given’ in your relationship and if it is, consider yourself lucky.

Many people are keenly aware of the lack of empathy from their partners. I know this because I have worked with many couples who report low levels of empathy in their relationships – which has usually morphed into high levels of resentment.

I’ve found that the more successful couples have figured out that being tuned into each other on this level can only bring them closer. They check in with each other more (emotionally), are good listeners and tune in well to the one another’s needs. Partners who are empathetic to each other tend to notice more readily when something is bothering the other and be open for discussion about whatever is the matter. This creates an environment where they both feel cared for.

I think we all can agree that we all want to feel cared for by the people that matter the most to us.

“What are some ways to show my partner empathy?”

An easy way is to be a good listener. Then you take that up a notch and see if you can put yourself in their shoes in how they might be feeling about whatever situation they’re talking about.

For example, your partner says, “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call me back like you said you would.” An empathetic response would be something like, “I’m so sorry – I totally forgot. I can completely understand why you’d be disappointed.” An example of a response lacking empathy would look this way, “Why are you always so sensitive? It’s no big deal.” Ouch.

I think most people are empathetic by nature but I suspect we simply forget. If you find yourself hitting a speed bump with your partner, remember these words about the power of empathy. It’s a wise investment in the future of a long lasting, healthy and loving relationship.

To learn more about Lisa Brookes Kift, visit The Therapy and Counseling Blog.

How Do We Keep the “New” Feeling and Not Get Too Comfortable?

By loveandsex

In new relationships, there is the “new” feeling that everyone loves.

There’s a scientific explanation for it. It’s a chemical released by the brain that gives us those warm, fuzzy feelings when we first meet someone new and the relationship gets off to a great start.

Unfortunately, those “new” feelings tend to wear off, especially when the relationship isn’t new anymore. How can you keep the “new” feeling alive, even after your relationship has passed the “mature” mark?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 3 years now. We were both virgins when we started dating. Well, about a year ago. I caught her seeing another guy. We broke up but still talked and remained friends. She went through 3 other guys after that and had sex with every one of them. I told her to take it slow with every guy she dated. After a while I asked her why she was rushing into bed with each guy she dated. She told me she was excited to have this “new feeling”. This worries me considering we have been back together for a month after working things out.

So my question is how do I keep this new feeling with her so she doesn’t find some one else again?

– Seth, Michigan

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gV0CImZI7U[/youtube]

Keep it exciting

One of the biggest reasons that the “new” feeling is lost is that one or both partners start to get comfortable. This can be expressed in a variety of different ways, including wearing flannel pajamas instead of lingerie or burping in front of her after a cold beer. Some people stop working out or stop caring about their image as much, causing their partner to become less physically attracted to them.

Regardless of how it is expressed, however, getting comfortable can kill a “new relationship” buzz in no time. You can keep your relationship exciting by trying your best to avoid getting comfortable. Do everything you would do if you had just met your partner.

If you wouldn’t dream of picking your wedgie in front of a girlfriend you’ve had for two weeks, don’t do it in front of your girlfriend of six months or even a year. Would you buy flowers for your new girlfriend? Buy them for your girlfriend of three months too. If you’re a lady, would you dare let your brand new boyfriend see you without a stitch of makeup or after you haven’t shaved your legs for three weeks? Don’t let your boyfriend of eight months see you like that either!

Take the time and effort to do everything as you would for a new boyfriend or girlfriend and you can keep the relationship exciting.

Searching for the high…

Some people, known as serial daters, are in constant search of that chemical high they get when they’re with someone new. Unfortunately, serial daters don’t know this is why they date someone and break up with them, date someone and break up with them, etc. To a serial dater, each boyfriend or girlfriend had a legitimate reason or fault for the break up.

This usually is a destructive pattern and leads to the serial dater feeling like no relationship will ever work out for them. If you suspect you might be a serial dater, you can seek counseling to help you deal with the bigger issues at hand. If you’re the victim of a serial dater, especially if he or she keeps coming back to you after a string of other partners, you might want to move on.

Trying to get them to realize what is happening is a lost cause, because they won’t see it no matter how many times you point it out to them. If a serial dater breaks up with you, especially if it’s the third, fourth or fifth time, move on and find someone who can commit.

While it takes work, you can keep the “new” feeling alive for as long as you put the effort in. Try your best to stay on your toes and avoid getting comfortable. Treat your partner like you just met them last week and enjoy your relationship day by day.

Do You Even Know What You’re Fighting About?

By melody

If you’ve ever gotten into a fight with a partner over something seemingly silly, you might have been very confused about why it was such a big deal. And yet, it may have been one of the biggest blow ups of your relationship.

The truth is that sometimes a fight is about much more than not picking up dirty laundry or taking out the garbage.

Jeanie was so upset with her husband. He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to. He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months. She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce if not an affair. Jeanie’s husband, Frank was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat an issue with Jeanie.

Why he was pulling away

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about. Frank was terrified of losing her to death. He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable. Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us. We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

Our brains can trick us into believe one thing when another is true

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away. But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have. When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four.

And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners. We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do. As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

How childhood can affect our adult relationships

Let me give you an example. Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years. They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

What happened next…

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt, Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven. She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position. Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old. Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Take time to really listen

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on. On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface.

Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary. But it’s always worth it.

Should You Get Married To A Man Who Doesn’t Want Kids?

By loveandsex

If you find yourself in a situation where you’re in a committed relationship but your partner doesn’t want kids (and you do), take heart because you’re not the first.

Regardless, it is still a difficult situation to be in and one in which decisions must be made. It is never easy to choose between the possibility of having children and your partner.

That said, can you somehow make your partner change his mind? It’s not likely.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. He tells me that he loves me very much and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same way but he doesn’t want to have children. I can’t give up the idea of never having a child and I don’t think he will ever change his mind. We were going to move in together, but since he made it very clear that he doesn’t want children, I decided to move to another state. He wants us to continue communicating after I move. I don’t think this would be a good idea. My friend tells me that the emptiness and loneliness might change his mind. I really don’t know what to think.

What should I do? Should I continue communicating with him or see him? Please help me.

– Jennifer, New Jersey

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3feTVtayG8s[/youtube]

Talk to him.

In some way or another, you’ve found out that your partner is not interested in having children. That can be huge, life changing discovery, especially if you’ve looked forward to having children with your partner for some time.

Is the topic open for discussion? If so, take some time to go over with your partner your needs as well as his. Why doesn’t he want children? Does he want them later, but not right now?

Don’t pass judgment or be critical when you ask your partner these questions. You’re just looking for his side of the story so you can better understand where he is coming from. In turn, you should be able to share your side of the story and express your needs about wanting children.

It may be likely that the issue is non-negotiable. Some people just don’t want kids. They are content with their lives as they are and feel that children would be a burden. Some people feel as though they aren’t capable of caring for children. Either way, these are legitimate feelings that should be respected.

It’s non-negotiable . . . what do I do?

You’ve discussed the situation with your partner and he truly does not want kids. What do you do? It’s time to make a decision.

You can’t change his mind. You can try a number of things to try to change the way he feels about you and feels about the situation, but chances are these won’t work. Even if they did, the change would likely be short lived. Your partner has the right to have his own objectives for his life and that’s okay. You are only responsible for you and your life.

So what do you do? Do you choose the possibility of having children or do you choose your partner? It’s completely up to you, so take as much time as you need to think the situation over.

Don’t rush making a decision. Really think about what you want in life and what you’re willing to sacrifice to get it. Do you want children badly? Does the thought of having children of your own make you feel complete? Or do you feel as though your life would be lost if you and your partner didn’t make it? Ask yourself questions that really make you think.

When you’ve decided what to do, you need to break it to your partner. If you’ve decided to leave your partner or already have, you need to tell them exactly how you feel. You may be better off going your separate ways.

If you’ve decided to choose your partner over the possibility of having children, keep in mind that this can be a huge weight on your partner’s shoulders. They might not want to feel responsible for you not being able to have children and may break it off anyways.

All you can really do is take your time and make the decision you feel is right in your heart. Trust yourself to choose the best thing for you!