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First Serious Relationship… Should We Date Other People?

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The Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost seven months now, and I love him a lot. He says he loves me too, and I believe him. We’re already talking about getting married after we graduate from college, but I feel uncomfortable sometimes because this is my first serious relationship. He, on the other hand, has had actual girlfriends before, and a lot of them. In fact, he started dating me about a week after his previous girlfriend broke up with him.

Maybe this shouldn’t bother me so much, but it hurts so much whenever I think about how he’s loved multiple girls before me. It just feels like if we broke up, he’d begin dating someone else right away. He promises this wouldn’t happen, but I’m not so sure. It wouldn’t bother me so much if I was his first girlfriend also. I feel like if we end up getting married, I’ll have wanted more dating experience.

I thought I should talk to him about this, but honestly, what good would it do? I can’t change the past, and I’m sure he doesn’t regret dating any of his past girlfriends, but I regret not having had more serious relationships. I thought maybe I could talk to him, and we could take a break for a month. I haven’t said anything to him yet, but I do want to know whether he’d date other girls during that month, or wait for me, proving he loves me.

I know it’s stupid and he shouldn’t have to prove his love. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, jealous, and vindictive… but it hurts, thinking of all his ex-girlfriends. What do you think I should do?

The Answer: First serious relationship or tenth serious relationship, the feelings that you’re feeling are perfectly normal. They’re feelings of ‘wanting control’. We all want to subtly, and some times directly, control other people – our friends, our parents, our boyfriends, our co-workers. We want to make them do, act, and say the things that we feel is best.

The easiest solution here is to try to let go and understand that you simply can’t control another person. You can love them, and they can love you, but you simply cannot ever control them and make them act the way you want them to. This is an illusion that has shattered countless relationships.

One of the biggest underlying problems in troubled relationships today is that people feel like they "own" their partner. This is the real reason behind jealousy and similar types of feelings. The best thing to do is to just allow other people to be themselves and love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

It doesn’t matter who he’s been with before. It’s those decisions and those relationships that have made him the person you’re in love with. In the same respect, it’s your experiences, or lack of experiences that make you the person that he loves today.

If you want to date other people, then that’s cool. Just be up front about it, talk about it honestly, and make sure that it’s something you both want. But you shouldn’t set a double standard and definitely don’t use it as a test to see what he’d do. If you bring it up and he honors your suggestion, then that’s the deal. Simple. Just be prepared to accept the outcome. If you let the birdie out of it’s cage to see if it’ll fly away… it just might.

I’d stay away from the marriage talk for now. If and when the time is right, you’ll know. Some people get so excited about getting married quickly, we joke that it’s almost like locking in a low mortgage rate… "quick, sign here before the rate goes up".

Guess what? There’s no requirement for every relationship to turn into marriage. In fact, a lot of relationships sour that way because we all grow and change. Many times, we grow and change in different directions, regardless of what the legal marriage document says. It’s a good idea to take enough time to be sure that you’re both growing in the same direction.

Live your lives together, enjoy each other, and be happy on your journey together. Tomorrow will come soon enough and in it’s own time. Until then, enjoy what you have now.

Related Link: Are you just getting back into the dating scene? If you are then come check out a free personals site where you can browse through singles in your area or even find date ideas.

Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?

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The Question: I have been with a man for 5 months. He told me a few months ago that he has strong values and wants to wait for marriage to have sex. I was a little disappointed, but I respect his beliefs. We are very open with each other and I have never lied to him about anything until he asked me how many people I have slept with. I said 3, but the real number is around 40. I’ve never been so sure about someone in my life until I met him and wish to put my promiscuity in the past, but I fear he may look at me differently due to his strong values. That is why I wonder if it is necessary for me to tell him the real number of people I have had sex with. Or is this a lie that can remain a secret?

The Answer: My first response is that it’s no one else’s business how many people you’ve had sex with in the past or will have sex with the future…

Don’t allow yourself or your actions to be judged by another person. We make decisions every day and we learn from the results of those decisions and move on to the next decision. There is absolutely no reason to regret any decision you’ve ever made as long as you learned something from the experiences that followed. We grow with each experience, each choice, and each relationship. Some philosophers say that’s what life is really about – experiencing life so that we can discover who we truly want to be.

"We sometimes have to experience who we don’t want to be so that we can discover the person we want to become."

Each of us has our own set of core values that are important to us, but that doesn’t give us the right to push those values onto another person, nor to judge that person because they do not share our values now or in the past. Your partner should not judge you for your past actions because it is those actions and decisions that have made you the person that he or she loves today.

One man’s convictions, values, and moral beliefs are another man’s heresy. For thousands of years different societies have persecuted other cultures and societies for arbitrary "values" and "morality".

Ponder this for a moment… In the greater scheme of the Universe, what gives one man or society the right to determine what is right and wrong for everyone else? Or to force others to feel shame if they feel or believe differently?

If you are suppressing who you really are to match up with another person’s "strong values", realize that there’s nothing wrong with who you are, and there’s nothing in the world that makes their values and beliefs, or life experience, any better than yours. Period. Beware of convincing yourself to live up to someone else’s values. You could end up resenting the other person for it, which could end your relationship.

While I cannot make your decision for you as to whether or not to tell your boyfriend the actual number of people that you’ve slept with, I will say this: Open and honest communication in a relationship is vital to its growth and survival. If this is something that will haunt you and cause you distress on the inside, then you should tell him because suppressing it will affect your relationship. But if you can truly forgive yourself and let go of any guilt that you carry around regarding your past sexual activity, then I say let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life.

How Incense and Pot Can Save Your Relationship…

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Incense and pot… old friends together again.

Remember those days back in college? Oh well, even if you don’t remember or you don’t want to admit to it…

Here’s the story about how incense and pot saved our relationship last year…

 

Last year we were literally homeless for two weeks – at the Westin Stonebriar Resort. If you have to be homeless, that’s the way to go!

The problem, even with some of the nicer hotels, is that there is usually only one bathroom and the potty is in the open.

Dan and I have a really open relationship but there are a few things that we choose not to share. Our bathroom habits and associated aromas are some of those things.

So how did we survive 2 weeks sharing this incredibly open bathroom arrangement?

Simple – Incense.

 

People have used incense for years to cover up the smell of pot (the organic variety). We just applied the same logic to our very confined bathroom arrangement and were very pleasantly suprised. Incense is an amazing odor eliminator – better than any of those spray can concoctions that usually make the room smell horrible and stinky in another, but no better, way.

 

So please be kind to your significant other – light an incense in the bathroom every time you use the ‘pot’ – they’ll love you for it!

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

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Dating and Relationship Advice – Can You Use the Law of Attraction to Find True Love?

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Have you ever noticed that when you start thinking about buying a new car, you start to see that car everywhere you go? This happens to all of us on both a very small and very large scale. For our purposes, we are talking about the very common idea that our “thoughts create our reality”.

Now, you may be thinking…

“Wait, this sounds really weird. I’ve never heard of this stuff before, so it must be bogus.” Hold that thought for just a minute… If you’re not already in the perfect relationship and your life isn’t already exactly as you want it to be, then keep reading. This very short article could just change your life for the better.

So what is the Law of Attraction? Simply put it is a Universal Law that says we will attract into our lives the things that we focus our attention on, whether it is positive or negative. Whether you are aware of it or not, every thought you have, every emotion you feel, everything you hear and read, affects your reality.

So what does that have to do with dating and relationships?

By truly understanding what you want from a relationship and applying some very basic Law of Attraction principles, you will ensure that you get what you truly desire. It is important to understand exactly what physical traits, behaviors, values, beliefs, and interests are important to you so that you can focus on what you want in your relationship instead of what you don’t want.

Remember, you will get what you focus on.

Many times, people will go from one failed relationship to another without giving any thought whatsoever to why or how their relationships keep failing. Even better, they over correct and end up in another relationship that fails for similar, yet opposite extreme reasons.

“If you’re like I was, you have no idea what you really want
from your next relationship – only it should be completely different from
the last one that failed so miserably!”

I certainly knew what I didn’t want – at least from the relationship that just ended. Wouldn’t it have been great if I would have taken the time to think about all of the failed relationships and combined all that heartache into one clear idea of what I did and did not want in a relationship? I could have saved myself a few swings of the pendulum.

How do I ‘Attract’ the perfect relationship for me?

I’m going to show you a real quick and simple way to Attract the exact person that you are looking for – Your dream date!

Take out a piece of paper and write down everything you want in your perfect relationship. What is he or she like? How do they look, smell, talk? What kinds of things will you do together? How do you feel when you’re around them? Really get into this and take the time to write down every detail. It’ll be well worth it in the end.

Most people never take this step of writing down what they want and yet it is the single most important step in finding the partner of their dreams.

“Do you know that by simply writing down what you want, you increase your chances of getting it by 80%!”

Just think about that for a minute…

Don’t doubt yourself. Assume that you are perfect in every way and there is nothing standing in your way of getting exactly what you want. Not money, or looks, or time, or anything else.

“Imagine… You can have anything that you want!”

When you have finished this exercise, you will be well ahead of the game. Take as long as you need… This is key to your ultimate success!

Be VERY clear in your mind about what you want. Otherwise, the Universe will have no idea what you really want – and that’s what it will give you. (Just a quick note, when I say ‘Universe’, I mean God, Buddha, Mother Earth, or whatever term you use for your universal higher power.)

Confused? Stay with me here… Imagine going to a restaurant and ordering a hamburger. The waiter turns in your order. Before your hamburger arrives, you change your order. Now you tell the waiter that you really want a steak. The waiter turns in your order. Before your steak arrives, you tell the waiter that you have changed your mind again and would like a salad. Now at this point, most waiters would tell you to make the salad yourself. The Universe will not do this, but can you see how it is very difficult for the Universe to give you exactly what you want when you don’t even know?

OK – finished?

If you didn’t do it – go back and do it. I said that this would be simple, but you still have to do a little of the work.

Now that you’re very clear about what you really desire in a partner, take that piece of paper, fold it up and carry it with you for at least a week. Carry it in your pocket, in your wallet or purse, or in your underwear. It doesn’t matter where you put it, as long as you keep it with you for at least a week. Every time you remember that you have this piece of paper with you, remember the feeling of what it will be like to be with your partner. Really feel it!

There’s one more very important step. During this week, make sure that you listen to your gut, or inner voice. If it tells you to stop at the dry cleaners on Tuesday when you normally go on Thursday, go on Tuesday! You may meet you soul mate while your standing in line. The point here is that you’ve placed your order with the Universe, now you need to pay attention to the signs that are being sent your way and ACT ON THEM!

That’s really all there is to this exercise. If you’re interested in learning more about the Law of Attraction and how it can change your life, here are some of my favorite books on the subject. Read them all – twice!

“Ask and It Is Given”, by Jerry and Ester Hicks
“The Power of Intention”, by Wayne Dyer
“The Attractor Factor”, by Joe Vitale