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Polite Marriages Will Suffer

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If you’re like most people, you were probably taught early on that being polite toward others is one of life’s top priorities. And while this advice certainly has a place, it can be detrimental to marriages if taken too literally. There are, in fact, statistics to prove that polite marriages end in adultery. There are two sides of this coin.

When You CAN Be More Polite

1). We tend to be most casual with the people we know best. The relationships in which we’re most comfortable – where we’ve known the other person for a long time, where they’ve seen us at our best and worst – tend to be the places where we are most open about our feelings and frustrations. These dynamics are usually within marriages, long-term relationships, or with family members. Being open with our feelings is a crucial part of having a functioning relationship, but too often, we unburden ourselves from the stresses of the day without giving a second thought for how disrespectful this could be to the other person. We let our true colors show, for better or for worse, and the people we’re the most comfortable with often become the people we unleash upon. When we find ourselves tending toward these extremes, we could benefit from being more respectful, and yes – a bit more polite. But then there’s the other extreme.

When You SHOULDN’T Be More Polite

2). We walk on eggshells with our partner. This can be due to many things: we were taught to be overly polite toward everyone; we haven’t learned to be ourselves around our partner; we’re afraid of what the other person might think; we’re afraid of the intimacy that honesty could bring. Whatever the reason – some being more drastic than others – the result tends to be the same: when a relationship is too polite, both people suffer. Avoiding confrontation, bottling up true feelings, refusing to communicate honestly – all these things can have damaging results . Things can sometimes even end in an affair, if either or both parties feel they can’t be themselves around their significant other.

Finding The Balance

Obviously both of these situations have major flaws. To deal with both of these problems, couples must learn to communicate openly about things that bother you, things you’re struggling with, things that stress you out. You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

The solution is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight fair.

Tips For A Lasting Relationship

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One of my biggest tips for a lasting relationships is scientific – but bear with me, as it has implications and advice for the real world. One of the best things you can do to ensure a happy, satisfying relationship that will endure through life’s ups and downs is to recreate endorphins. So what exactly does that mean? Endorphins are the same brain chemicals we feel when we begin to fall in love. They show up elsewhere, too, or course, when we’ve accomplished a goal or done something risky. But they show up in love because we’re anticipating the excitement, risk and – yes- perhaps the accomplishment of meeting someone new, starting a relationship, and all the details that brings with it.

When The “Fire” Dies

But it’s likely that after only a little while, those feelings of risk, excitement and accomplishment begin to wane. We know most of the stories our partner tells. We know all their secrets – and all of the details of their day-to-day life as well. We’ve learned much of what there is to know about their past, their likes and dislikes, their struggles and their hobbies. We’ve probably settled into a routine in this new relationship and what was once exciting and unsure has become second nature. This is not a bad stage in a relationship – on the contrary, it can be exciting in its own way as you get to know someone intimately and become comfortable enough with them to develop a life and support system with them. But that doesn’t change the fact that many relationships plateau here, and this often leads to trouble.

So, put into practice, what can you do to increase endorphins? As I suggest in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which focuses on getting through the dips in order to form a lasting relationship – I recommend that you linger. An example is a 20 sec hug which releases the feel good, happy, dopamine rush. Also a 30 second kiss which releases the cuddle hormone Oxytocin and which bonds you to your partner. I’m sure you can come up with more of your own!

More Tips To Make Your Relationship Last

• Make sure you fight fairly. I discuss this in Financial Infidelity that it’s so important to have a 10 minute heart-to heart each week, with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right. Instead of shame and blame you should give 3 solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Fighting fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe.

• Make sex a priority, Schedule it in. Some examples are:

“Sex vows”

“Kidnap your partner” – take turns scheduling something – non-sexual – that you enjoy as a couple. Build on that intimacy, and see where it leads!

Use your imagination and come up with different ways to feel close to your partner, even when you don’t, well, feel close to your partner. Those endorphins will keep your body, spirit and mind happy in this relationship, making it last for the long haul!

How To Date A Mama’s Boy

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Mama’s boys have been getting a lot of press lately. Everyone wants to know how to avoid them. I’m not giving you that advice because if you avoid mama’s boys, there aren’t many men left over for you to choose from! There are many types of mama’s boys who don’t let you see that trait in them until you’ve reached a certain level of commitment. For some, that commitment is marriage. For others, it is the magical third date.

Are Men That Manipulative?

It makes it seem like they snare you before revealing their true selves, right? Well, they’re not that methodically manipulative! Most men are not proud of their mama’s boy traits. You don’t get to see it until a certain level of commitment is reached because they are waiting to trust you before letting their guard down. There is a trick to dating (and eventually marrying) a mama’s boy that does not include throwing him back.

Mama’s boys come in all shapes and sizes of personality. Some are bullies and overbearing, others are nurturing caretakers, while others are into sports and manly activities. Some have interfering mothers but others have moms that are adorable! Mama’s boys missed out on the opportunity, during puberty, to enter their fathers’ sphere of influence. It’s a complex issue. What they have in common is the need to have their women affirm their masculinity as if the women have it to give.

Now, whether through your own observation, reading about it, or hearing about it, it is common knowledge that men love to have their masculinity affirmed by their women. That is a juicy experience for a man, which means there is a nice pay off for you! However, what we’re talking about here is a desire for affirmation as if that is the only way he can feel like a man; as if you have some power of masculinity to impart to him.

How To Affirm Your Partner’s Masculinity

You know this is what you are dealing with when not giving it to him results in some measure of punishment for you. Whether it is his pouting, disappearing into his cave, demanding affirmation, raising his voice in anger, feeling his bitterness because you are withholding something he requires from you, to verbally or physically abusing you, it is that level of need we are discussing here. A woman can affirm her man’s masculinity but if he isn’t grounded in his own masculine power, she doesn’t have that to give to him.

What a woman can do is discipline herself to maintain her own femininity no matter who she is dating. When a mama’s boy falls for you, he wants to be the man. He wants to be your knight in shining armor. He wants to be that powerful, masculine man for you! For the relationship to be successful, you need to take advantage of that.

When you put attention on grounding yourself in your femininity, in being a receptive yet powerful woman, in having the stature of a woman worthy of love and adoration, your words and behavior will be affected in such a way that the man sitting across the table from you will rise to meet the challenge. When he does this, he will be in the process of winning the battle between his real masculinity and the mama’s boy who would otherwise pull on you or push against you for confirmation.

Let The Real Woman Inside You Out To Play!

If you are like most women in the Western world, this discipline of being The Woman creates a struggle in you as well. Sitting across the table from him, you will be winning the battle between your real femininity and the daddy’s girl who would otherwise believe she needs to take care of him, as if he is a little boy, in order to find fulfillment.

As you practice being the woman, not fixing him, not rescuing him, but being receptive to his attention and creating the space for him to be the man, he will either show up prepared to win his own internal battle, proving himself worthy of you; or, the mama’s boy traits will rush to the surface in an effort to manipulate you. At that point, you know whether or not you want to continue.

If you do want to continue and the two of you fall in love and begin to create a solid relationship, the mama’s boy inside your man will always be there. The daddy’s girl inside you will always be there. These two will clamor for attention in ways that will sometimes seem to sabatoge your relationship. However, there is always the choice for him to be The Man and for you to be The Woman. You cannot call forth his masculine power by demanding it. But you can encourage and seduce it to the forefront as you discipline yourself to be The Woman, giving both of you space to show up as two adults in love, rather than children working out childhood issues.

Being the woman in your romantic relationship is a discipline. It will grow you in ways that make you yummy and irresistible to men, if you let it! And it will attract the type of man you desire as well.

Relationship Happiness When The Love Of Your Life Hasn’t Shown Up Yet!

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects.” ~ Albert Einstein

Some of us spend too many weeks, months, even years chasing unrequited love. Man, it can hurt so good to love so deeply one who will not and cannot return the favor! It isn’t a masochist’s dream, but it sure can become a favorite bone to chew on so that life doesn’t feel so darn lonely. Songs about it are sung, stories about it are written, and therapists’ couches are private spaces for it. There is a better way.

What Exactly Is Unrequited Love?

Unrequited love is what happens when he or she just isn’t that into you but you have feelings you cannot deny. The human heart is capable of loving those who are incapable of returning even feelings of “like” much less real love. The heart will love even those who neglect it and abuse it. So, loving someone who cannot love you back not only can feel kind of good, it can feel necessary. The love you feel for anyone can become something you cannot live without, even if they do not and never will love you back.

Oh, and if the person you love so deeply is a friend, it becomes even more complicated! Because they do genuinely like and love you, they just don’t love you “in that way,” you can conjure up the juice to love them for all eternity. As long as you don’t do or say anything that makes them exit your life in order to protect themselves; as your friend, he or she is always available. If you get to the point of processing your feelings about this person with this person, then you have these intimate conversations that, even though they produce nothing more than more pain, the intimacy feeds your feelings for him or her. You leave these conversations convinced that if you can just be there for them and love them as much they will let you, then one fine day, he or she will look at you anew and fall head-over-heels in love with you, regretting all the time lost till now!

Something Better Than Unrequited Love

Unrequited love can fill all the free and empty spaces in your life while you are waiting for the real thing to come along. That is one reason people refuse to let the love object go. A much better, honorable, deserving candidate for all that love is you, yourself. In addition to that, focusing your attention on what would be the ideal romantic relationship for you, on the perfect love of your life, how it all would look and feel and taste like; this level of dreaming and planning for the love of your life showing up is a more beneficial expression of your romantic love than sinking deeper into unrequited love.

One of the things you can do to turn your attention to loving yourself and preparing for the love of your life to come along is read self-help relationship books. These books can be even more helpful before you get into a romantic relationship because you have the freedom to read them without prejudice. You also have the opportunity to use them to fire your imagination with specific details about what you want your next romantic relationship to be like. It is the Law of Attraction in that what you put your attention on grows. If you put your attention on how richly painful it is to love someone who doesn’t love you back, you will get more of the same. Conversely, if you put your attention on the kind of relationship you will create with the love of your life, you will attract that.

Getting Into The Relationship Groove Outside Of A Relationship

Another thing you can do is use dating to practice the behaviors self-help relationship books teach. Particularly paying attention to those that outline the differences between men and women, as a man you can practice being the man with the women you date, or as a woman you can practice being the receptive feminine with the men you date. He or she doesn’t have to be the love of your life in order for you to practice how you plan to be with the love of your life. Even among your friends, you can practice listening skills and being present skills that will benefit you tremendously when the day comes along where you not only fall in love, but the recipient of your affection falls in love with you too!

The more attention you put on loving yourself and preparing for that big, powerful romance coming along, both your daytime dreaming and night time dreaming will move in alignment with you to support what you are attracting! Instead of your thoughts drifting to your unrequited love, they will naturally drift to imagining things like what the perfect Sunday spent with your love will look like. Nighttime dreams, if you remember them, will begin to sort through the debris left by the unrequited love so that you have more space and energy inside for creating something whole, balanced, and full of passion with a real prospect for finding someone to spend the rest of your life with!

Albert Einstein’s quote above, “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects,” inspired this article. When it comes to relationships, it can be very hard advice to follow because it can feel impossible to refrain from tying your happiness to another person. But when the goal is a beautiful romance because you are worth it, the thinking and action steps that follow give you a happy life even as you attract the love of your life.

How To End An Argument

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I saw a card meant to end an argument between lovers. It carried the worst advice on the subject I’ve ever seen. It read, “Maybe if we both said we’re sorry…” Yikes! Tell someone who is angry with you that maybe you can both apologize and what happens? The resentment scale in the other person sky rockets!

How Not To End An Argument

So, one way to not end an argument is to suggest you can both apologize. Another way to not end an argument is to say, “I’m sorry,” through gritted teeth as if what you really want to say is, “You son-of-a-you-know-what, I could just tear you apart right now!” A lack of authenticity when offering an apology tends to make the other person feel spat upon. This isn’t good for moving the conversation forward into a more loving place.

Another way to not end an argument is to say the very thing that will escalate it to the next level. Sometimes this happens by accident. It is only after saying the thing that makes it worse you realize you knew all along not to say it. One way this has looked in our house is when I’m fuming because my feelings are hurt. It’s called passive aggression. It can happen when he has hurt my feelings. It can also happen when someone else has hurt my feelings but I know he can’t do anything to fix it, which means he’ll be irritated by a conversation about it.

When I fume he eventually says in a certain tone of voice, “What’s wrong?” On the surface, that tone sounds compassionate. But I’ve lived with him long enough to know there is a very slight edge to it that is clearly recognizable but easily overlooked by me. Without thinking, I will answer him and actually relax inside as if now we are getting somewhere. Wrong! With my answer, I have just confirmed that he was right and now he knows for certain that I am either mad at him or mad about something he cannot fix and that drives him crazy too. Escalation of hard feelings with confusing words that don’t help to follow!

Recently, I was fuming really loudly. Because it wasn’t about him but was about something he couldn’t fix, I took a risk. He asked what was wrong and at the end of my answer I stated, “…and that is the end of this conversation.” It sort of worked! While there was no escalation, he left the room. I had an appointment to keep, so I left. By the time we got back together later in the day, we had both processed our stuff around what had hurt my feelings and what he couldn’t fix. We were able to have a loving conversation about it.

How To Actually End An Argument

Now for some solid advice on how to end an argument: the trick is to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person. People get there different ways. You may have discovered what works for the two of you and so the real issue is why does it take so long to make the shift? Unless abuse is happening, if just one of you will make the shift to a softer, appreciative place, the energy will soften and get better for both of you.

Some people are able to get to a softer place with a touch. Some take a breath and some space and purposefully remember the love and the sweetness that usually exists between them. In the past, once my feelings were hurt, I used to see the other person as my enemy. Sounds extreme but it wasn’t like I said, privately or out loud, “He’s the enemy!” No, I just realized that was how I felt. With that understanding, I would remind myself during arguments that he isn’t the enemy. He is my husband, my lover, my friend and we’re going to get past this. Dealing with my own trust issues allows me to remember that I trust him and his love for me. That softens my energy, causing me to feel appreciation again with a sense memory of loving him, and everything improves. It improves because the very next time I speak to him, my tone and intention are softer and genuinely about love and reconnection. That authenticity makes all the difference!

Loving And Reconnecting

What I mean by “a sense memory of loving the other person” is when you get past the anger and resentment and genuinely soften, some place in your body responds. That response is a sense memory of your love for that person. Perhaps your legs relax. Maybe your belly softens and energetically expands. You might get a feeling in the center of your chest where you feel full and relaxed. Your head might tingle. Your jaw could relax and chills run up the back of your neck. Your arms might ache with a longing to take your lover into your embrace. It is a memory in your body that expresses your love and longing for this person.

Another way to work this trick for ending an argument is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. For instance, men are wired to fix it. When my husband wants to fix something he can’t fix in me and that frustrates him; at the very least, I can appreciate this about him and his masculinity. Doing that, I do not escalate the argument further by getting frustrated with his masculinity. Appreciating his masculinity, I might even open to the possibility he could really fix it. When that happens, “Glory Hallelujah,” the home team scores and we both win!

How to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person is a personal issue between two people. It takes experimentation and patience to discover how that works for you. You and your lover, the home team, are worth it!